Ms. Cheats-on-my-husband (it's my Native American name!)

okay, I know I admitted to cheating on my ex-husband the other day. it's not something I'm proud of. but you don't know the whole story yet. so don't judge me. not that I think anyone here would do that. but I do. and my lovely teenage daughter does, which she proved by throwing it in my face this morning (see subject). I shouldn't let it bother me, she doesn't know what she's talking about. she was just trying to hurt me and it worked.

anyway, when I met ex-husband #2 (Ian and I call him X) I was living in Colorado without the rest of my family, separated from my first husband and waiting tables to support my two young children. I made enough money to pay our bills but not a whole lot more. I had a roommate, he was a big loser. we had dated for a very short while before I realized what an idiot he was. but we were still sharing an apartment because I needed help with the rent.

X was the friend of the husband of a girl I waited tables with. she had a big crush on him but was trying to fix him up with one of us. I didn't really have much of a social life at the time, so when she invited me over to her house, I agreed to go. the first time I met him, he was sitting on a couch watching television. I noticed that he didn't get up to say hello, he just kinda' sat there. he later told me that the first thing he did when we met was to make sure that I had a decent rack. for real.

we met again at his friend's house to play cards. I am not a card player really. I don't know any real games and I am not competitive at all. I don't care if I win or lose, so it's probably not fun to play cards with me. they were all trying to teach me some complicated game that involved four decks of cards. luckily I'm a quick learner so I did alright. the night went well enough, nothing exciting but better than staying home alone. the next weekend was Valentine's Day so we made plans for the four of us to go out.

on Valentine's Day, one of the dinner waitresses called off, which would have left a friend of mine to work the dinner shift alone. so I volunteered to work a double shift to help her out. plus the tips are usually pretty good on Valentine's Day so I knew I would make some good money. I called X to cancel our plans but instead we decided to go out alone after my shift.

I left as early as possible and went home to change. my roommate was there, acting like an ass so as soon as X showed up, we left. it was pretty late already so there wasn't much we could do. we went to dinner and then to a little bar for a drink. the night wasn't really that memorable, but we got along well enough. we made plans to do something the next day. he took me home, gave me a kiss at the door and left.

he called me the next morning and I really wanted to spend the day with the kids so we decided to see if they wanted to go with us to the Denver Zoo. they had spent the night with their grandma (not my mom) so we drove over there to pick them up. Stephen didn't want to go, he had made other plans, so we just took Hannah (who was four at the time). it was a beautiful day, perfect for going to the zoo. and afterwards we took her to a playground and then we all had dinner at Casa Bonita. we had a nice time and he seemed like a nice guy.

we saw each other a lot over the next month, even though he lived about 45 minutes away. I met some more of his friends and his brothers that lived nearby. he had a good job and made a ton of money, which was the exact opposite of my first husband. we dated for about a month before we decided to move in together. he rented a small apartment for the four of us and we all moved in.

at first things were really good. we got along well and the kids were happy, which was the most important thing to me. I wouldn't say that we ever had a lot in common but my expectations weren't all that high anyway. the only thing I ever asked of him was for him to be nice to me. he pulled that off for a month or two before things started to change.

four months later, two things happened within the same week: my beloved grandfather died and I found out I was pregnant. the first one was completely unexpected and left me devastated. he was the only father I had growing up and was such an important person to me. even now, almost 12 years later, I'm on the verge of tears just writing about him. finding out that I was pregnant was bittersweet, because I knew that my grandfather would never meet my new child. if she would have been a boy, I would have named her after him. well, kind of. his name was Guillermo, we would have Americanized it to William. I don't think he would have minded though.

my mother and stepdad came to Colorado for the funeral and I found out that two of my stepsisters were also pregnant. I missed them so much, especially after my grandpa died. so X and I talked, and decided to move to Ohio. we packed up most of our things and the kids and I drove back with my stepdad. my mother stayed behind to help her mother with those things that always need to be taken care of after a funeral. X stayed behind to finish up some work stuff and collect his final paycheck. the trip back was eventful to say the least but we survived.

it was August in Ohio, which is not always pleasant. it was terribly hot and terribly humid and I was pregnant and had a ton of stuff to do: find an apartment, get utilities (and phone and cable) turned on, register Stephen for kindergarten, unpack, find a doctor for the kids and myself. it was a lot but it kept me busy. meanwhile, X was taking care of things in Colorado and trying to move the rest of our stuff out. he followed us out to Ohio after about three weeks.

things seemed different after the move. he was really short-tempered with me and seemed to have less patience with the kids. it was a subtle change at first but since I was pregnant, any little slight turned into something bigger. we didn't get along as well as we had before, but I convinced myself that it was because of the move.

X wasn't working then, but he had a bit of money saved so he could take his time and find a job that he would enjoy more than the one he had. Stephen started school, Hannah was still at home and the pregnancy was going along fine after our little scare at the beginning. a new niece was born in September, and a month later I had a new nephew too. it was so great to be around the babies, especially since I was going to have one in a few months. stepsister #2 and I were getting closer again. life was pretty good, which was very unusual. I don't always know how to handle normalcy. probably because it never lasted long enough to get used to it.

Casey was born in April, we got married that following June. mostly for the wrong reasons, like insurance and taxes. we definitely weren't getting along any better than we had been a few months ago. I started to realize that we had different ideas about almost everything, most especially money. he hated to let go of one penny, even for something that we needed. he thought we should just work and save our money, no unnecessary spending at all. no trips to McDonalds or to the movies, no new toys for the kids, new clothes from garage sales, etc. he thought we should spend our free time doing things that would earn more money, seriously he was obsessed with it.

I, on the other hand, thought it was fine to save some money but not at the expense of living life and having fun. we probably would have been okay if we could have found some middle ground but we never did. plus, his impatience and short temper were getting worse by the day. he would fly off the handle for no reason sometimes and overreact to the slightest things. I could never tell what would set him off, which was really bad for me because I reverted to my old habit of trying to be invisible when he was around. it was so much easier to stay out of his way than to try to figure out what the problem actually was.

he started a new job and really seemed to like it. he wasn't making a lot of money at first so he compensated by working a lot of hours. after a while he worked his way up and was making damn good money but he still kept his schedule the same. there were times when he would work 80+ hours a week and I'm sure he put in more hours than anyone else that worked with him. working so many hours made him more cranky and impatient with us, to the point where it was better if we weren't home when he was there. I started to get angry at the way he was treating me and the kids and we started arguing about that and money more and more every day.

I think he did realize that he wasn't being a very good father and made an effort to spend more time with the kids. he was more patient and understanding with them, and they started to go out and do things together when he wasn't working. but things never, ever improved between us. I was unhappy with the hours he worked and the way he treated people and the way he treated me. it was terrible, I was depressed most of the time and the slightest thing would almost push me over the edge. I was suicidal and destructive and miserable whenever I was around him. I didn't like who I had become with him, I was angry and bitchy and hateful and sometimes just mean. every time we were together we would argue. and while he really seemed to enjoy it, it made me want to kill myself. even though we were married for more than ten years, I knew after about three that it was never going to work. unfortunately.

our problems just escalated from there. we fought all the time over everything. I can't imagine how awful it must have been to be around us. it got so bad that I tried to avoid talking to him unless it involved the children. there were times when I didn't speak to him for days. when we did talk, it almost always turned into an argument. it wasn't all his fault, I didn't have to participate but I did. he seemed to know exactly what to say to get under my skin and I really do believe he did it on purpose. no one could make me as angry as he did. in fact, he pushed me so far one day that I slapped him across the face, the first and only time I have ever hit another person.

I hated the person I was when he was around. I felt completely out of control. things had gone beyond the point of ever being right. I don't know why it took me so long to get out of that situation. possibly it was because I couldn't see another solution, besides being on my own, which I didn't feel strong enough to handle, financially or emotionally. so I started seeing other men (Brian was not the first) whenever the opportunity came up. not to punish X for anything, but because it made me feel good to be with someone who was nice to me for a change.

it wasn't the same though, as having a healthy relationship. I wasn't any happier than I had been but I didn't really feel any guilt about it either. I don't think that X ever knew about any of those other men. I didn't ever lie or try to hide it but I'm pretty sure he had no idea, mostly because he wasn't paying attention.

during the last two or three years we grew even further apart, to the point of sleeping in separate beds. I had my money and paid my bills, he had his. the only time we did anything together was if it involved the children and he wasn't working. we didn't speak unless it was necessary or unless it was idle conversation. I was living my own life and he was free to do whatever he wanted, which meant that he was at work whenever possible.

I know that he knew something was going on when I started seeing Brian. everyone who knew me could see that I was ridiculously happy, even X. and as soon as Brian and I admitted to each other that we wanted to move forward with our relationship, I told X everything. we calmly discussed what the next steps needed to be, split our shared bills and our belongings and went our separate ways. it was all completely civilized and probably the first time in about 9 years that we had been decent to each other.

it's disgraceful that things were so out of control. I'm embarassed to say that I didn't do anything about it because it was just easier to avoid the situation than it was to fix it or end it. I'm grateful that everything worked out though. and I'm grateful for the wonderful life I have. I probably don't deserve it but I'm not letting that stop me!

action

my Photo Friday entry. it's a picture of our godson hunting for Easter Eggs. I love how he's mid-step in this picture. plus he's just so damn adorable.

how I met my darling husband

anyone who has been here longer than five minutes knows that I love my husband more than I could ever say here or in real life. he is the most incredible person I have ever met. he is loving and generous and sweet and kind and handsome and funny and smart. he is an amazing artist and musician and has a beautiful singing voice. he is honest and honorable and decent and good. he loves my children and my family and his family and our friends and our dog and most of all, me. I know without a doubt that he would do anything I asked him to do. everyone who has met him loves him, he's just that kind of person.

we met at my sister's 21st birthday party in 2001. she was dating his nephew at the time. I was still married but my then-husband was not at the party. we had been on the verge of divorce for years and years. I tried to avoid spending time with him whenever possible...but enough about that. Brian and I were actually sitting next to each other the whole night but didn't really talk that much. I noticed that he smiled a lot that night and that he bought her a great book about poetry. giving a girl a nice gift always makes a good first impression!

we didn't see each other again until July 2002, at a party for his nephew, who was just back from basic training. my sister and Brian's sister threw a big party to welcome our new soldier home and both of our families were there. I spent most of the party inside, watching the sports channel in the air conditioning (fuck being outside in Ohio in July) and Brian hung out in there for a while with me and my brother-in-law. we talked more than we had the first time but it was just small talk, nothing really important.

the "kids" were having another party after the cookout, where much drinking was planned. being a person who enjoys much drinking, I was invited. since almost everyone else there was in their late teens-early twenties, I asked Brian to go too so I wouldn't have to be the only old person there. being the good guy he is, he agreed to go and agreed to drive me there and back home so I didn't have to drive. I'm pretty sure he was planning to go before I asked him but he didn't really let on.

the older crowd started thinning out and the youngsters were slowly making their way to their cars, heading to the stores to buy the alcohol for the next party. I asked Brian when he was planning to leave and he said, "whenever you're ready." you have to love a man with a flexible schedule. and, dear god, was he cute! I had a huge crush on him already.

my sister and her friends left at the same time we left, they had to make a beer run and were supposed to meet us at their house right afterwards. we stopped for a 12-pack and then drove over to the new party. when we got there, his other nephew and a few of their friends were outside, my sister and the rest of the party hadn't gotten there yet. we parked the car out front and just stayed where we were, listening to music and talking and laughing. I may have opened up one of the beers, I can't remember. I do remember having a few at his sister's house so I was in a great mood by then. the windows were down, the moon was out, it was a beautiful night.

he was so nice and so funny. he mentioned that he was planning to move to Florida in a couple of weeks with a friend of his and that he hadn't really told his family about it. I told him that I hated Florida, I had a bad experience there when Stephen was about three months old. he teased me for forgetting to take my seatbelt off ten minutes after he had parked and turned off the car. I laughed the whole time we were together. he said that we were acting like drunk detectives on a stakeout, which cracked me up. I was having a great time, just sitting in that car laughing.

finally everyone else showed up and we carried our beers down to the basement. it was such a nice night out so we all went into the backyard and sat in the grass drinking our beers, etc. some of my sister's friends from college were in town for the party so I actually knew a lot of people there. but for the most part, I stayed close to Brian. I had never met anyone like him, we hit if off instantly. it was completely innocent and harmless. we just enjoyed being together. it never occurred to me that maybe he liked me too.

it was probably close to 2am when things started to wind down (read as: my sister was getting bitchy and annoying) so I asked Brian how long he wanted to say and he said, "we can leave whenever you're ready." so off we went. he drove me home, we said goodnight and he waited at the curb while I went inside. except that I was locked out. and I had given my keys and my purse to my then-husband before he went home. the kids were all gone and I didn't have my cell phone and he didn't hear the doorbell or my knocking.

I went back out to the car and told Brian that I would be okay because I could just climb in through the dining room window. obviously I was drunk, because I made him drive off before I got inside. the kids had climbed in that window many times so I knew it could be done. one problem...that window was higher than I had realized and I didn't have anyone to boost me in! it took me about five minutes to get up there and work my way into the house, giggling the whole time. first an inept detective, then an inept burglar. it was a great night. and he was a complete gentleman.

I bumped into him a couple of weeks later at the grocery store. he laughed when I told him how much trouble I had getting into the house and felt bad for letting me talk him into leaving before I got in. we talked about him moving to Florida for a few minutes and then said goodbye. I thought about him for days after that, and remembered how much fun I had that night. it takes a lot for me to be completely comfortable around a person but with Brian, it was so easy.

my sister and his nephew went back to college, found out that they had each cheated on each other over the summer and broke up within their first two weeks back. it was quite ugly, they were both so awful and bitter and vicious and malicious. she left school immediately and moved into my basement with the intention of missing the rest of that quarter and going back after things had settled down. she never went back.

at the time, I was completely miserable in my marriage and hated spending time at home when my then-husband was there. since he was home on Fridays and Saturdays, my sister and I started going out to the local bars on those nights. she was suddenly single and over 21, I was just happy to be away from my nightmare at home.

the problem with two girls going to bars in our town (and possibly every town) is that guys will not leave you alone. and while my sister seemed to enjoy all the attention, I did not. guys in bars are lame, and creepy and don't always understand or care when you tell them to go away.

we started bringing our own boy with us, to keep the other boys away. sometimes it was our brother, sometimes it was just a guy friend. one night we decided it should be Brian. my sister would always say that we should call him to hang out with us but we never did until that night. she would always talk about how much I would like him and how we had the same sense of humor and how much fun he was to hang out with. of course by the time we called him, he had already gone out for the night. apparently we weren't the only girls looking for him that night but he was out of town somewhere. we left a message for him and then forced our brother to go to the bar with us that night.

he called my sister later in the week and told her where he would be the next weekend if we wanted to hang out. we tracked him down at the Eagles in town and after having a couple of $1.50 drinks (hell yeah!) we dragged him to our bar so we could dance. it's a good thing we did because the ladies he was sitting with were trying to pick him up! they were old and weird though so it was for his own good.

we had so much fun that night! talking and laughing and dancing and drinking. he was the perfect boy. a friend of my sister's showed up, an old friend who she hadn't seen in a while. they were busy catching up so Brian and I were kind of on our own. I didn't mind though and neither did he. we were completely at ease in each other's company.

I never considered myself much of a flirt, even though all my sisters told me I was a big one. but apparently I was flirting with Brian quite a bit that night, according to him. at first we were sitting across the table from each other, then I moved over to his side so we could hear each other over the music. a little while later, I innocently (I swear!) gave him my cell phone number. at some point, he put his arm around my shoulder. and after half an hour or so, asked me if it was okay for it to be there. how cute is that?

at the end of the night, he offered to drive us home. I think my car was still at the Eagles, which meant we would've had to walk back to get it and then drive home. we took him up on his offer. as we were all walking slowly to his car, he put his arm around me and kept pulling me close to him.

my sister's friend was with us and two weird/funny guys were there too, trying to get the girls to go home with them. the six of us were just standing in the parking lot, talking and laughing. Brian didn't let go of me then, even in front of my sister! she didn't seem to mind and I think she was pretending not to notice. eventually we got into the car. I sat in the passenger seat, she was in the back and he drove us home. when we got to my house, he drove past it a little bit and parked in front of my neighbor's house. I thought he just forgot which house was mine.

my sister said bye and thanks and ran inside to use the bathroom. I turned to him to say goodnight and he kissed me. a small, sweet, tender kiss on the lips. all thoughts of getting out of the car left my mind. I just sat there and looked into his eyes and we both smiled. it took a second or two for reality to return. I said goodnight and went inside.

overcoming childhood

Raehan's post titled "Simply Heroic" was about two fellow bloggers who didn't necessarily have the greatest role models when it came to parenting. at the end of her post, she posed the following question: Is there anything from your childhood that you have had to struggle to overcome? wow. what a question for a Monday morning. I left a short-ish comment but decided that my response required an entire post.

my interpretation of her question was that it related to things I had to overcome as a parent. that might not have been exactly what she meant but that's the question I'm answering. Raehan, I hope you don't mind.

now that I think about it, growing up with a mother like mine was great preparation for being a parent. she played the role of child, and I played mommy to her and my two brothers. I guess that's why I never questioned whether or not I would have children of my own, in spite of all my issues. it was something I always wanted and I could not wait to get started. I had my son when I was almost 19, so obviously I didn't wait long.

I actually enjoyed taking care of everyone when I was little, I still love it. I loved being in charge and being the one who remembered what we were supposed to be doing and when. I would watch my brothers when mom was at work, we never had a babysitter during the day. I would make sure they were fed and clean, make sure they took their naps and got to play outside when it was nice enough. I changed diapers and filled bottles and pushed strollers. I had a lot of responsibilities for someone my age, I wasn't even six yet and my brothers were one and two. it's crazy to think about it now, but we all survived it somehow.

things were actually going well until we moved in with my grandparents. it was probably just a matter of time until our luck ran out anyway. life for the boys improved I'm sure, they had animals to play with and 40 acres to run around on. my life, on the other hand, was turned completely upside down. I was actually expected to let someone else be in charge. someone else made our meals and told us when to go outside. someone else would tell mom how we spent our day. I wasn't special anymore, I was just a kid.

anyone who says that being a kid is the best time of your life did not grow up with my grandmother. her sole purpose in life seemed to be to make me miserable. she loved to tell me how worthless and lazy I was and what a drunken loser my dad was (he left right after my youngest brother was born) and how I should be kissing her feet for raising me. she delighted in taking away people or things that made me happy. she loved to keep me either locked inside the house doing chores or locked outside unsupervised for hours on end.

she loved the boys, though. my youngest brother was her obvious favorite. he could do no wrong in her eyes. even now, if he calls her a fat bitch, she laughs. one day I jokingly said she was crazy and got slapped across the face. my mother tried to make sure my other brother wasn't left out so he was her favorite. I was no one's favorite, which really hurt at the time. I felt unloved, unimportant and invisible. I realize now that it taught me self-reliance.

I never did figure out what my grandmother's deal was, but I never really tried. I was just thankful to be out of her clutches once I did get away. she would still get close enough for a quick jab every once in a while though. and I could still see that malicious gleam in her eye when she knew that she could still hurt me. she has gotten better over the years, to the point where I don't mind her being around my children. it's too late for me though, I'll never be comfortable being anywhere near her. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive her for all the things that happened to me as a kid. hell, it's already been more than 20 years. if forgiveness isn't in me now, it's just not coming. I don't even try anymore.

the lessons I did learn from my upbringing are ones that I learned the hard way. I tried to remember them when I became a parent. the most important one is that kids are supposed to be kids, with kid responsibilities and kid worries and kid thoughts and kid fun. that it is my job as a parent to be their protector, their teacher, their home and their heart. I learned how important it is to love them equally, even if one of them isn't being as loveable as the rest. I respect their opinions and individuality. I would give my life for them if it was ever necessary.

I know I haven't been the perfect mother. there are lots of things I would do differently if I could. but in spite of my mistakes, I have three pretty great kids. and I wouldn't trade the experience of being their mom for anything in the world.

random stuff

my wonderful husband just came into the living room for no other reason than to kiss me and tell me that he loves me. I can't believe how lucky I am to be married to him.



we watched "Final Cut" last night. it was really good. best line:

Robin Williams' character to Jim Caviezel's character: Don't tell me you're worried about my soul now.

me to Brian: Well, he is Jesus.



I posted this to my LJ but it amuses me so much, I'm posting it here too:

wouldn't it be great if the Mammogram Mobile was shaped more appropriately?




you know...like the Weiner Mobile!






I had lunch at the Taj Palace Friday after work. by myself. it was nice but strange. because I don't usually eat out alone. I did enjoy the food, and surprisingly it wasn't terrible to eat a meal by myself. I might do that more often.

stress

upset about my stepdad,
who says that he cries every day.
angry at my mother for laughing while he told us.

upset about my sister,
who is pregnant again.
angry at her and her husband for being so stupid and clueless.

upset with my son,
for skipping school. again.
angry at him for being sneaky and lying to me.

upset about money,
worried about the bills.
angry for feeling like I will never be stress free.

upset with myself when I let the darkness in.
upset with myself for thinking there's no way to win.
worried about what will happen if I fall apart.
worried where everyone will go to pour our their hearts.
angry at myself when I don't give a shit.
angry at myself for losing it.

I just got the most un-fucking-believable news. I hope I wasn't as clueless when I was that young. but I probably was.

I need a few minutes to collect myself. deep breaths and all that.

it's official (even though I knew last year)

Casey's school sucks. I seriously hate them. This Thursday is Take your Child to Work Day or whatever. and at her school, if I take her to work with me on Thursday, they count it as an unexcused absense. so if she was eligible for perfect attendance (which she is not), missing school on Thursday would make her ineligible. and if she didn't get her form turned in by yesterday (which she didn't), then she won't be able to make up the work that she will miss. fuck that. I'm just going to call Thursday morning and tell them she is sick.

I sent an email to the principal this morning telling him how disappointing it was that the school is not supporting this initiative and how I thought that it was the job of an educator to provide opportunities for our children to learn how to become responsible members of the community. or something like that. I'm still waiting for his answer.

this is just one more reason why her school sucks. earlier this month, she told me that they watched the announcement of the new pope in her class whatever day it was that they announced that. what the fuck?!?!? I'm trying not to blow up about that one but it's really killing me. I'm not religious, I don't pretend to be. and I wouldn't berate or belittle my child for expressing an interest in learning more about religion or for wanting to go to church. hell, I'd even drive her if she wanted to go. but her teacher crossed the line that the school has drawn regarding any kind of religion in the building. it's not my stupid rule, it's theirs. they should all be made to follow it.

these kids don't get to celebrate Halloween in any way. no costumes, no treats, no punch. nothing. no Christmas, no Valentine's Day. I don't think they even did anything for Thanksgiving. when I was a kid, we celebrated all of these holidays. it's no fucking big deal. they're kids. dammit, can you just let them act like kids once in a while?

the entire school did have a small celebration after proficiency exams. the theme? Mardi Gras. hardly kid-appropriate but I didn't complain. shit, at least it was something.

selfish thought

sometimes I wish I could tell people to keep their problems to themselves. I don't have the energy to deal with any of this shit.

I forgot it was Photo Friday.

Photo Friday is my new thing. I stole the idea, of course. hopefully it will make me take more pictures. anyway, this Friday's challenge is "soft". this is not a picture of me. unfortunately.

is it time for a real post yet?

I don't think it's true that people don't change (not that I read anyone's "paranoid rant" or anything) but I used to think that. you know. before I had the life-changing experience of falling in love with my wonderful husband. I also used think that true love was bullshit and that there was no such thing as soulmates either.

I guess it's possible that I didn't really change, that I've just finally become who and what I always was. or maybe I just tend to adapt to my surroundings. well, that is definitely true but I think it's true of everyone. honestly though, I can't help but think that I have changed. in every way. the way I think, the way I treat other people, the things I say...I actually kind of like the person I am now. and that has never happened to me before.

I know I still have too many issues and fears. I'm still too bitter about things that happened years ago. sometimes I still question whether all the good things I have now are going to go away some day. but those things don't consume me the way they used to.

I don't live in the past anymore (even though I still visit). I make plans for the future, I take chances, I have good dreams. all I needed was for someone to see me and believe in me and accept me, flaws and all. it took 34 years to find him, but it was so worth the wait.

leave me alone. I'm medicated.

• I'm not a big fan of medication of any kind. it takes a lot of pain to even get me to take a Tylenol. so if I do take something it's because I'm feeling horrible. punchline: the allergy medicine I took this morning is making me feel weird...all shaky and groggy and unfocused. non-drowsy, my ass. on the plus side, no allergy symptoms!
  
  
• someone's lunch is very oniony smelling. I detest onions and have a very weird onion ESP. oh well, I'll get even with him or her when I heat up the salmon I brought for lunch. take that!
  
  
• the shirt I wore to work today could use another button at the top. I feel like I'm flashing the whole office. it's not good. plus it's one of those shirts that gaps between buttons for no reason. I knew I should have worn a shirt underneath it.
  
  
• things are so much better now. Brian saw that post and asked me what was wrong and we talked and stuff. he's wonderful.
  
  
• why does the media think we give a fuck who the next pope is? I mean seriously, who really cares? not me, not anyone I know. and why were our flags at half-staff (is that right?) when he died?
  
  
• according to michele it is Thank You Fairy Blogmother Day, according to MommaK. so I am thanking my friend iancstewart for talking me into starting this thing. and for all the nice things he says when I write real stuff here and for always being so supportive. he may be kicking himself for it today because of this bullshit post but that's what he gets. now you all know who to blame!
  
  
• I still need more blog links but I'm getting there! twenty-one and counting. I hope no one (cough...panthergirl) minds when I steal links from their blogs. I'm just too lazy to find my own.
  
  
• I wish I was allowed to have Mountain Dew. I could really use the energy right now. so sleepy...

Casey

our baby is going to be 12 on Friday. she's almost a teenager, even though she's acted like one for the past few months. I don't know what I'll do when she gets too old to hang out with us but it will make me very sad. it's so hard to see her growing up, but it's a joy at the same time.

I became pregnant with Casey when I was 24. her father and I had been living together for about four months and had only dated for a month before moving in together. he was a few years older than me, divorced, with no kids. he was in Sales. a girl I waited tables with introduced us. he was a friend of her husband. she had a big crush on him and didn't mind telling everyone how she wished she had met him before she met her husband.

our first date was on Valentine's Day, which was just a coincidence, and we moved in together in March. after a few months we decided to have a baby. it only took me one month to get pregnant. two days before I found out, my grandfather died. I was devastated, he was such an important person to me growing up. it makes me sad to think that he never met her. he would have loved her so much, everyone does.

we were living in Colorado at the time but the rest of my family was living in Ohio. we thought it would be nice to live near them so we packed up all our stuff, rented a U-haul and headed east. Chris stayed behind to finish up some stuff at work so I was in charge of finding an apartment and moving us into it.

things were going pretty smoothly, except that Chris was becoming more of a jerk than I had noticed before. we couldn't seem to agree on anything without an argument, especially if it involved money. I think the stress of moving and the stress at home was affecting my health because I woke up one morning with stomach pains and spotting. a trip to the emergency room made matters worse when the on-call doctor told me that I was "threatening abortion" and needed to stay in bed until the pains and bleeding stopped. those were possibly the scariest words anyone has ever said to me.

since we didn't have health insurance, I was going to a clinic at the health department for prenatal stuff so I didn't get to see my real doctor until a few days after that. the nurse at the health department was so upset when I told her what had happened and what the ER doctor said. she reassured me that things like that sometimes happened and that there was no reason to think that I was going to lose the baby. my doctor confirmed this and said that everything looked fine. such a relief.

the rest of the pregnancy went smoothly, except for the little car accident I had a couple of months before my due date. everything turned out fine but it was very upsetting. I had to spend the night in the hospital just to make sure there were no problems but it was worth it to hear that the baby was okay. the other two children also got the chicken pox right around that time too so I had them at home for two weeks while they recovered. in spite of the extra care they needed, I was happy to have them there before the baby came.

labor and delivery were no problem. hell, it was my third time, it should be easy by then! Casey was born at 4:59 pm on April 15th. she was perfect, and had a head full of dark, straight hair. we got to check out the next day, which was exactly what I wanted. I got enough of hospitals when Stephen was born.

Chris didn't really take any time off from work once we got home so it was just me and the kids most of the time. I didn't mind. we were getting along less and less those days. but the new baby was such a joy. she was so sweet and so good and we all just loved her so much. I decided to breast feed her, which was awesome. I didn't do that with the other two, with Stephen it was because he was sick for so long, with Hannah I had to go back to work as soon as I could. but this time, I had the luxury of staying home and I was able to dedicate all my time to the kids, which I did.

when Casey was about seven months old, her doctor noticed that she had stopped gaining weight, a condition she called "failure to thrive." normally at seven months an infant should have at least doubled her birth weight. Casey was 7lbs. 5oz. when she was born and about 12lbs. at seven months. she stayed at that weight for about three months. we took her for test after test after test to try to find out what was causing this. at one point, her doctor thought that she might have Cystic Fibrosis but test results came back negative, thankfully. actually, all her test results came back negative but she was still not gaining weight.

when all the tests were run and nothing was found, her doctor decided that we should just focus on getting her to gain weight. the quickest way to do that was to tube feed her at night while she slept. the process involved filling an IV bag with PediaSure and connecting that to a tube that was inserted in her nose and fed down her throat to her stomach. a nurse came to our house and taught me how to do it. it was terrible. she never stopped fighting it and I didn't blame her at all. I had to put her through it for about three months. every night. until she showed enough weight gain to give us hope that she would continue to gain weight after we stopped the tube feedings.

she was still small for her age, but not so small that it was a danger to her health. the lack of nutrients during those months when she didn't gain weight did affect her when she got a little older. her bones were more fragile than they should have been. she broke her arm when she was three. her baby teeth weren't really very strong so she got cavities a lot. a lot of her motor functions weren't as advanced as other kids. luckily she recovered from all of that and is as healthy as most other kids her age, which makes everything that we went through completely worth it.

she was always such a sweet little girl. she loved to sing, all the time, and would make up little songs when there was no music playing. she used to say she wanted to be a singer when she grew up. then she decided she wanted to be a star. she had (and still has) a way of wrapping people around her little finger and always got whatever she wanted. she definitely was (and still is) a drama queen. she could cry on command and make it believable at age two. she adored her brother and sister and they adored her. everyone did actually. she was so happy and outgoing and tiny and cute, you couldn't help but love her.

it broke my heart to tell her that her dad and I were getting a divorce. up until that day I think she had a pretty normal childhood. but she took it well, all three kids did. a lot of her friends had already gone through the same thing so I think that made it easier for her to handle. it was probably harder on her when he moved to Utah a couple of years ago. before he moved she would see him about every day, now she only sees him during the summer and on christmas break. but that was his selfish decision and there was nothing that we could do except make the best of it. she's good at that though...seeing the positive when things don't go the way we planned them. I don't know where she got that from.

she's such a great kid. so giving and loyal and generous and funny and weird and sweet and loving and smart and clever and inventive and creative. I am so lucky to have her in my life and so proud to be her mom.

book meme

I stole this little meme from ginger. feel free to steal it too! I should preface my results by saying that I don't always read children's books, I normally read literature. it's just that I was reading the newer Harry Potter books to prepare for reading the new book (100 days!) and then started reading the older ones so I would have read them all.

You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?
it's hard to imagine wanting to be anywhere other than where I am right now. life is pretty damn sweet for the most part. but bookwise, I guess the world described in Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf would do. especially since the entire book takes place in one day. and it's pretty girly. love, love, love this book!

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
not really. the closest I could come to that is probably Florentino Ariza from Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. he was such a romantic but in a realistic way.

The last book you bought is:
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J.K. Rowling. I heart Harry!

The last book you read:
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by J.K. Rowling. yeah, I know.

What are you currently reading?
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling. leave me alone!

Five books you would take to a deserted island…and why?

1. One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, my favorite author. I just get lost in the world he created. and the picture of him on the back cover reminds me of my grandfather.
2. Lolita by Vladmir Nabakov. I loooove Nabakov. I did only read it because of that song by the Police but it turned out to be a pretty damn good book.
3. The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. one of my favorite books from my childhood. the selflessness of the tree is somehow very moving and admirable.
4. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. great characters, great love story. I've read this book a million times and could read it a million more.
5. Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy. another of my favorite authors. Tolstoy's stories are timeless. I could probably fill my whole list with his books.

Who are you going to pass this stick to and why?
I'm posting it here for everyone to steal plus I'm putting it on my livejournal but that's it.

stupid stuff, really.

okay, here's the thing: I don't have any close friends that I can talk to about stuff. I have a few good friends that I can talk to about a lot of things, and I have a lot of superficial friends that I can talk to about superficial things. but that's it really. it's my own fault. I don't make an effort to get to know people. and I don't go out of my way to be closer to the friends I do have. so I don't have anyone to share all the important, personal stuff with, except Brian. usually that doesn't bother me, I actually prefer it. sometimes, though, there are things that I can't talk to him about, because I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him sad. and I can't always write about them here because sometimes he comes here.

so basically, I'm fucked when I have a problem. and right now I do, one that I can't talk to anyone else about. so I'm feeling pretty helpless and sad and hopeless and frustrated. and I don't really know how to fix what's wrong. I've tried, many times, but it always comes back. and I end up right where I am now, which is not good. I hate feeling like this and hate the way my mind works whenever this problem comes up. I wish I knew what to do but I'm really out of ideas.

sorry to be whiny.

me, a feminist?!?!?

spur-of-the-moment plans were made to borrow a truck Friday night and pick up a new barbecue grill. plans were then postponed until Saturday afternoon so we could go have a few drinks at our bar instead (much better plans!). Saturday afternoon, my brother with the truck called to say that he and a friend of his were already out and would just meet us at Lowe's with the truck and drop off the grill at our house when they were done with their errands. below is the conversation we had afterwards, more or less.

she said: I'm glad there will be boys there to help load up the grill. and they'll be here to drop it off an unload it. I was worried about you doing all that work yourself.

he said: but you would have been there to help! it would have been fine.

she said: I wasn't planning to help. it's big. and heavy! and I'm a girl.

he said: well, if we had gone last night, how would we have managed?

she said: people in the store could have loaded it up. and I guess the boy would have been here to help unload it.

he said (teasingly): but wait...aren't you a feminist? what about equality between men and women? don't you think that women can do anything?

she said: yeah right. you know that's not true. you're thinking of your first wife.

actually, I would say just about anything if it got me out of doing stuff. but I really am a firm believer that there are things that boys should do and things that girls should do. he knows this. and since I am a girl, there are things that I do not do except in an emergency. such as:

• moving furniture
• or anything heavy
• mowing the lawn
• checking the oil, etc. in the car
• using the barbecue grill
• driving on long trips
• plunging toilets or any plumbing
• checking out strange noises
• changing a flat tire

there are probably lots of other things that I can't think of right now. but you get the idea. I know, I know. it's a good thing Brian is such a patient and wonderful man.

note to self:

enough. stop whining, stop dwelling on the past, stop complaining about your stupid, insignificant issues. there are people with real problems, problems that you will probably never have to deal with. you should be grateful, instead of worrying about things that are never going to change. you don't have to wallow in a story to tell it, you don't have to hold on to all of that anger. be happy with what you have, it's a lot more than most people.

love,
m

broken promises

so bastard, horrible father, ex-husband #2 is trying to back out on a promise he made to the kids to bring them all out to Utah for a visit this summer. saying that he probably can't afford to pay for three plane tickets, which is a big lie, I'm sure. that son of a bitch always has money but he never wants to let go of it. the little one doesn't have a choice, I make her go. she wants to go anyway, even though she's usually bored because he doesn't really do that much when she's out there. the older two won't really care that much, they were pretty much making excuses not to go as soon as he went back to Utah after x-mas.

still it really pisses me off. because he had to know that he wasn't going to want to spend that much of his precious money when he first asked them all to come out. and really, how much do plane tickets cost? lying about the money isn't what makes me so angry, it's that he made a promise to the kids that he's not going to keep. (almost) nothing pisses me off more than that. and when I calm down enough to talk to him without threatening to cut his balls off, I'll tell him that his behaviour is not acceptable, which is probably the only thing I'll be able to say without completely losing it.

my mother was the queen of broken promises when we were kids. it was constant, she would tell us that we were going to do something or go somewhere or see someone and my brothers and I would get all excited about whatever it was. we'd make plans and talk about how much fun we were going to have. and then the day would come and nothing would happen and she would act like we imagined the whole thing. man, we would fall for that one for years. this little game of hers is one of the reasons why I have a hard time trusting people, I think. because if your own mother would lie to you, why wouldn't everyone else?

she still tries to pull that one on my kids every once in a while. and whenever she does I have to make up some excuse for her so they won't have to think that they can't trust their own grandmother. I know I should just tell her to stop doing it but she's too old to change now. and I'm not really sure she realizes what she's doing or how hurtful it is. but that might just be me making another excuse for her.

can't think of a title

I stole this from panthergirl (with permission). her answers are a million times more interesting than mine but she is a million times more interesting than me so it's not really surprising!

Name the most unusual object you possess.
I don't know that it's that unusual but I have this book that describes every little thing about a person according to his or her birthday. everyone who has read mine says that it's scary how accurate the book is.

Name three things you like about yourself. Name three things you don't.
LIKE:
1. my twisted and stupid sense of humor.
2. how unique and weird my children are. I take complete credit for this.
3. my life since meeting Brian. it doesn't get any better.

DISLIKE:
1. that I am still bitter about things from my childhood.
2. my weight.
3. losing touch with old friends.

Name three things you'd like to learn.
1. how to draw
2. how to overcome my irrational fears
3. how to save money

Name three things that comfort you when you are stressed.
1. Brian
2. chai tea
3. a good laugh with the kids

random weirdness...nothing important

there are a million more people on blogger from Marysville all of a sudden. last time I checked, there were only two.

two people (Ben and Last Girl on Earth) whose blogs I read every day posted something about Robyn Hitchcock and I read them both this morning. what kind of crazy coincidence is that?

I got an email from ex-husband #1 this morning out of the blue, responding back to an email I sent him on December 15th.

I almost always get hyper and stupid when it's bedtime, even if I was just sound asleep on the couch. last night's absurdity started when I told Brian that I would still love him just as much as I do now even if he cheated on me. what I meant was that cheating would be the worst thing he could do to me and it wouldn't change how I felt because I love him so much. then I told him that the reason I love him so much is because he is such a good and decent person which meant that he would never even dream of cheating on me. I consider that a reverse catch-22, which I then tried to think of a name for. poor guy, he was just trying to get some sleep.

I'm surrounded by Christians at work but it doesn't bother me. I think it's because they're good-intentioned and not obnoxious about it. and they don't seem to judge anyone who might not be a Christian. the same isn't true about people outside of work.

a teacher at my kids' high school told them that she feels sorry for their mom. little does she know that the reverse is actually true.

I blog more at work than at home, especially when I'm writing really personal stuff.

some of my favorite bands on Launchcast include: Three Dog Night, the Bee Gees, and the Spice Girls. I don't really listen to any of them that much any other time.

no one at work really knows what my job is (except me) but they all think it sucks (I agree).

boys - part two

I bet Brian doesn't like my boy stories. actually, I'm sure he doesn't. he's funny like that, this kind of stuff bothers him. it doesn't bother me to hear about his old girlfriends or whatever. maybe it's only the more recent stuff that he doesn't like, I'm not really sure. I do know that we don't talk about my "romantic" past unless it's absolutely necessary.

I'm not really sure what made me start writing about old boyfriends. but now I have so much to write I don't even know where to start. that doesn't happen very often. I guess the easiest thing to do would be to just start where I left off:

after Rob and I broke up, Jimmy and I starting hanging out at school more often. we had gotten closer since that first time we met, plus he was friends with Rob so we all spent a lot of time together. I don't think he knew how much I liked him, or for how long, but I was pretty sure that he liked me too.

my best friend and I were friends with a boy in our grade who looked a lot older than he was. he was a big guy, over six feet tall, and I had known him since third grade. he was one of those boys that had liked me for years. we were great friends for the entire time that I knew him. he was one of the few people I tried to keep in touch with after graduation. eventually he got married, had kids and moved away. I haven't heard from him in years.

Bob had his license and didn't mind driving us around when we didn't have anything else to do. one night, we were all going to hang out and drive around, maybe go to the arcade or a movie. I wanted to invite Jimmy to come with us. Bob didn't really want me to but he was such a big softie, I could talk him into anything. so we called Jimmy and convinced him to come along. we picked him up at his house and the four of us (Jimmy and I were in the back seat) just drove around trying to think of something fun to do.

when we ran out of ideas, someone thought it would be cool to try to buy some beers. apparently Bob looked old enough to buy beer without getting carded (at that time you only had to be 18), despite having two very young-looking girls in his car. we got a 12-pack of Old Milwaukee, 3.2 beer, and we all opened one up.

I hadn't ever had beer before, the only other time I got drunk was at a JV football game the year before when one of the seniors gave my friend and I some Everclear punch. so after a couple of beers, I had a pretty good buzz going. I didn't notice that Jimmy wasn't drinking at all, I didn't see how worried he looked when I accidentally spilled a little beer on his shirt. I didn't know that his father was a psychotic tyrant who physically and verbally abused his wife and children. I found out about all of those things later.

we had about an hour left before Tina's curfew so Bob headed back to the little town my friend and I lived in. I was feeling pretty good by then, and had my head on Jimmy's shoulder. I decided that it was time to tell him how I felt about him. so I tilted my face up and told him everything, how much fun it was to be around him, how he could always make me laugh, how much I really liked him and had since that first time we met. he looked down at me, smiled and kissed me. it was wonderful, exactly as I had imagined it would be.

we girls needed to sober up so we stopped at our elementary school playground for a while. Bob pushed Tina on the swings while Jimmy and I sat at a picnic table. he had his arms around me and every once in a while, he would lean down and kiss me. he made me feel so happy and content and at peace. it was like nothing I had ever felt before that night.

he was so sweet, and so funny. we spent all our free time together at school and at band functions. all our friends saw it coming, and everyone, including Rob, seemed happy for us. he loved to tease me and make me laugh and our first month together was so perfect. his parents seemed pretty strict, especially where girls were concerned, so we didn't get to see each other much outside of school. we both hated that but it was just as well. I didn't have a lot of free time after school anyway.

once in a while we would both make up excuses to stay after school (band practice for me, weight lifting for him) to have some time alone together. we would usually walk around and end up at the middle school playground and just be together. I was perfectly happy just to be with him, to be holding his hand and sitting beside him for a few hours. we would talk about our future plans and how we spent our day, he was so easy to be with. he never, ever pressured me for anything more than kissing and our time together was very innocent. I would almost always get in trouble for staying after school but it was worth it. I'm sure he got in worse trouble than I did but he never said anything about it.

he had a younger brother who was a freshman that year, a funny kid who would hang out with us once in a while. he was quiet, shy and a little withdrawn, he seemed to like me well enough. Don was in band too so he would be my buddy during games when Jimmy was playing football. I have a nephew who reminds me of Donnie. it's weird.

a few months after we started "dating" Jimmy's parents decided that we couldn't see each other any more. the story was that one of them heard that I was a slut, and they didn't think I was good enough for him. I'm not sure why I believed that. I mean, I know that's what they told Jimmy, I don't think he would ever have lied to me. but considering what I later learned about his childhood, that excuse was complete bullshit.

I was devastated. I couldn't imagine who would have ever said such a thing about me. but at the same time, I felt like it was true. because there were ugly things in my childhood, things that I thought I had kept hidden, things that I hadn't told anyone about. I thought that somehow, his parents knew or could see it on me. I didn't know what to do. he said that he tried to stick up for me but he wasn't able to change their minds.

we didn't really think it would change anything. we hardly ever saw each other outside of school anyway. so after the initial panic, things went back to normal. for about a week. before we found out that Donnie had been reporting to his parents that we were still going out. oh, I hated him so much for that at the time. now I realize that he was just trying to survive a horrible childhood any way that he could. Jimmy's parents were furious, I can't imagine the kind of trouble he must have been in. his father wasn't the kind of person who would ground his kids for disobeying him, that much I know. anything beyond that was too terrible for me to imagine.

it took us a while to figure out what to do. but not seeing each other anymore was not an option. we both knew that what we had was something really great, and great things weren't all that easy to come by for either of us. luckily we had a lot of friends that cared about us and were willing to help us keep our secret. friends who would warn us if Donnie was around or distract him when we were together. our band director was one of those friends and he would let us stay in his office before classes and during lunch. it wasn't ideal but it was better than nothing.

there was never a doubt in my mind that he was worth all the trouble. he understood me like no one had before. he was the first person to really know me and love me for who I was. I didn't have to pretend around him. it was so easy to love him. I would have done anything for him.

every once in a while, out of the blue, he would tell me that his parents had changed their minds. and it would be okay for us to see each other. their change of heart would last for a couple of weeks before they would take it back. during those weeks though, we could actually spend time together outside of school, without having to worry about being spied on. Donnie would be our friend again. we could hold hands in the halls or hang out with our friends or sit together on bus trips. we could go to school dances or eat lunch together or go see a movie or even talk to each other on the phone. then they would take it away and we would go back to hiding from the world.

it wasn't always easy. there were times when I really needed him and he couldn't be there. and probably times when he needed me. it got harder and harder to deal with, because everything was out of our control. and as hard as it was for me, I know it was worse for him. because at home, his father would make comments about me. saying that I was the type of girl who only wanted things I couldn't have and he was my forbidden fruit. or telling him that I was a slut. or that I was probably cheating on him. and even though I constantly told him that his father was wrong, I'm sure over time it started to affect him. I know it eventually got to me.

somehow, he worked up the courage to ask for permission to take me to my Junior Prom. and even more amazingly, his parents said that they would think about it. so my grandmother and mother took me out to the mall and got me a dress. I was threatened with physical harm if I didn't end up going to Prom. you know, she had spent all that money on a dress so I was going to wear it or else. I pretty much had to go whether Jimmy was allowed to take me or not. and of course, he wasn't allowed.

instead, I went with Rob. and the whole night was a disaster. the people we rode with got very, very drunk and we were actually scared to ride back with them. Rob's uncle had to bring us a car so he could drive me home. I didn't dance once that I can remember. it was so boring, I didn't have the least bit of fun. we did have a yummy dinner before the dance but it was definitely not worth the hype.

on the way home, Rob pulled the car over and tried to kiss me goodnight. I let him. I don't know why, out of frustration from the last few months I suppose. it was a huge mistake. he tried to take off my dress, I yelled at him to stop, which he did, then he drove me the rest of the way home.

when Jimmy found out, he was furious, at me, at Rob, at his parents, at the world. I had never seen him angry before and it scared the hell out of me. I can't handle it when someone is angry, being near anyone in a fight makes me physically ill even now. anyway, he flipped out, walked away from me, grabbed one of our friends by the shirt and threw him into a drum set. I had to leave the room before I was sick.

we didn't speak for the next few days. he tried to talk to me but I just couldn't face him. I felt like I didn't even know who he was anymore and I'm sure he felt the same way. but it hurt me to think badly about him and it hurt even more to be away from him. we eventually worked it out somehow and things went back to the way they were before, seeing each other in "secret".

the end of the school year was coming way too quickly. I knew he wouldn't be allowed to see me that often, if at all. Donnie was being cool at the time so over the summer we were able to talk on the phone while his parents were at work. unfortunately, I had a job during the day so I could only call him during my lunch, which I did every day.

there were a couple of other guys at my work (no girls that year) that I hung out with on breaks or while we ate lunch. they were both so nice, one of them even knew Jimmy which was very cool. he was going to be a freshman when school started. the other one was a little older than me, he was 21, and really nice and funny. he was the cousin of a guy I knew at school. we went out a couple of times, even though he knew I had a boyfriend. it was mostly harmless but I never told Jimmy about it.

things were weird between us when school started again. we weren't spending much time together and having to hide from Donnie was really getting old. my feelings for Jimmy hadn't changed at all but it was my senior year and I was afraid I was going to spend it locked away in the band room. we stopped seeing each other for about a month, and it was horrible. so we got back together and that was how things were for the rest of the schoool year. it wasn't ideal by any means, but it was better than the other option, which was to not be together at all.

we had a few opportunities to see each other outside of school. almost all of them involved band trips. our friends would distract Donnie or talk him into ignoring us for the night. once we even got to spend a weekend in Denver when the basketball teams went to State.

I guess we never really had a chance of making things work, no matter how much we both wanted it to. I needed to be with someone who could spend time with me, who would be close by when I fell apart. someone who wasn't as screwed up as I was/am. we were too young and too battered to fight for what we wanted. it was just too hard. I was going to be graduating in a month and he still had a year of high school left. there was no way we could have stayed together without our parents' help. my mother was already off living her new life and of course, his parents weren't going to ever help us.

so that was it. it wasn't ugly or dramatic or terrible. it was devastating to leave him though, the hardest thing I had ever been through, which says a lot. it literally took me years to get over it. I met someone else (who I later married and had two kids with), he finished his last year of high school. I did run into him at a basketball game his senior year. he had a new girlfriend and said that she didn't want him to talk to me. we never saw each other again after that.

in January of 2002, I found his email address on classmates.com and tried to contact him. when he wrote back, I couldn't believe it. he was happy to hear from me, I was very grateful to read that. we emailed each other for a couple of months. we exchanged stories of our lives after high school. he moved to Oklahoma after graduation to go to OSU which had always been his dream, but had to leave after a year. he finished school back in Colorado. after college he joined the army, which was a complete shock. he was so not the type of guy that would do that. but apparently he loved it, travelled to lots of different countries and only quit because his wife didn't like him being gone. he was married, to someone he met in college back home, and had two sons.

his relationship with his parents was still pretty strained but I think he said that they liked his wife. he spent time with Donnie every once in a while, having a beer or playing golf, things I never would have imagined him doing.

it was so incredible to be in contact with him again. it was so easy to write to him and tell him all the things I had wanted to say the last time we saw each other. how sorry I was for not being more brave and how sorry I was for breaking up with him and how often I thought about him over the years and how I always wondered if he was alright. it was so great to find out that he didn't hate me and that he understood how hard things were for me when we were together and that he was okay for the most part, even though from the things he wrote I don't think his marriage is as happy as he would want it to be.

he seems satisfied with his life. he loves being a father, I knew he would, and would do anything for his boys, including not emailing me anymore. because I think his wife found out and didn't like it. I don't really blame her. I know he never really got over me or our time together, he told me as much. hell, at the time, I felt the same way. but then I met Brian and he taught me what love actually felt like. and even though I don't ever doubt that I loved Jimmy, I know now that it wasn't even a fraction of the love I feel for Brian.

I do miss hearing from him though and wish we could have stayed in touch. it probably wouldn't be the same but it would still be nice. he always could make me laugh.

welcome to Kent, Ohio

we actually stayed at this hotel one night while we were in Kent visiting Brian's nephew. in case you can't read the sign, it does indeed say:

WELCOME TO THE PRIDE OF THE SUPER 8"

that's right...the super eight inches. and we stayed there, it was great. we laughed about that joke for weeks. it was about the funniest part of the whole weekend. the couple we drove up with broke up as soon as we got back home. the couple we were visiting broke up while we were sound asleep at the Super 8". it was not cool. luckily we were oblivious to all the teenage drama and had a lovely weekend. then again, we have this amazing ability to get lost in each other and ignore the rest of the world. it's the best.

my son...

is turning 18 on Friday, which makes me very sad. it also makes me sound very old. I suppose I am getting up there. I'm not ready for him to be 18 and I don't think he's ready for it either, no matter what he thinks. all mothers probably feel this way though.

I was 18 (almost 19) when he was born. it was nine months after I had graduated from high school. his dad and I had been married for four months and were living with his parents, who were the nicest and most decent people I had ever met.

I remember the day he was born so clearly. I can still feel his tiny, newborn body in my arms. he was the first good thing I had ever done and I knew from the moment I saw him that I would do anything for him. he was born with pneumonia and a severe case of jaundice. he spent five days in the hospital after he was born. the first two were spent under an oxygen hood, the last three under the bilirubin lights trying to clear up the jaundice.

his beautiful blue eyes were covered to protect them from the lights, his tiny heels were full of little razor cuts from having blood drawn to test his bilirubin levels and he had a tongue depressor taped to his little arm to keep his IV in place. it was the saddest thing I had ever seen.

we could only hold him to feed him and he wasn't really eating that often. when he finally came home, I didn't ever want to put him down. I took him everywhere I went, I couldn't get enough of him. I had never felt so much love for another person, I didn't even know I had it in me.

he was a wonderful baby, so sweet and easygoing. we didn't really see any lasting complications from his earlier health problems, for which I was incredibly grateful. he did have a lot of trouble with ear infections when he was a lot younger, and strep throat, but other than that he was pretty healthy.

my wonderful baby turned into a wonderful boy. he adored me as much as I adored him, he was very affectionate and sweet and funny and outgoing. I hated to be away from him, even for a few hours but I knew I had to give him room to grow up and become his own person. it was so hard to send him off for his first day of preschool. he just waved and told me goodbye and ran off to have fun and play and meet new friends.

I was so proud of him and at the same time, felt so lost without him. eventually I learned to manage without him for a few hours. after all, I had his little sister to keep me company. and she was as sweet and funny and adorable as he was. his first day of kindergarten was a little easier to handle but not much.

he loved school then, and did really well. he made friends easily and got good grades. he was even invited to participate in the gifted student program at his school. and somehow that was the start of his decline. his teacher at that time was not working in cooperation with the gifted class teacher so he got twice as much work as most of the kids in his class. his grades slipped a little, and then a little more. between ear infections, strep throat and sinus infections, he started missing a lot of school.

someone in my family suggested that he go to an allergist to see if allergies were the reason he was sick so often. we found out that he was highly allergic to: dust mites, mold, grass, trees, pollen, cats, dogs, horses, and rabbits. and that his immune system was in terrible shape. he had to get allergy shots every week for about three years to try to build up his tolerance to all the stuff he was allergic to and to strengthen his immune system so he wouldn't catch every virus that blew through our town.

healthwise, he showed a big improvement. school was a different story. he continued to miss a lot of school and then didn't make up the work he missed. his grades went from all A's to C's and D's. in middle school, he failed a few classes and had to go to summer school twice. he was threatened with failing 8th grade but didn't seem to care. anyway I think it was just a bluff.

high school didn't get any better, in fact his absences were more and more frequent. his grades were awful, well below his abilities. there were mornings when we had to physically drag him out of bed and to the bus stop. he would cut classes and hang out in the lunchroom or go back home. when he was in class, he would not participate or complete his work.

I never really had a problem with him at home, unless it was related to school. I was at a complete loss as to how to handle him. the school administrators were little or no help. he would miss three or four days in a week before they would notify me that he wasn't attending classes.

he decided that he wanted to go to a different school, in Oregon, where his dad lived. and even though it broke my heart to let him go, I did. because I was willing to do anything to help him, even if it killed me. his dad and stepmom agreed that he could move out there but they wanted my word that he would stay with them for at least the rest of the school year, which was about six months. no matter how much he asked, I was not to let him come home. unfortunately, it was the same old story there. he wouldn't get up for school, wouldn't participate once he was there and their forms of punishment only made things worse the rest of the time. his dad wasn't willing to work it out and pretty much gave up on him after a month and sent him home in April. typical.

once he came home, he seemed withdrawn and depressed, which I had never seen before. I didn't push him to go back to school that year. there were only two months left. we talked about him getting a GED instead but the rules in Ohio are stupid and he couldn't do it. so in the fall he went back to school. he seemed to do well enough but then fell into old patterns. we had to go to a mediation session with the juvenile court system because the dean of students filed a complaint. at that session, it was explained that if another complaint was filed, he would have to go to court for truancy.

he seemed to want to improve after that but again, he couldn't pull it off. so yeah, we had to go to juvenile court, and he got a probation officer. and a social worker, who recommended that he be put on anti-depressants. things are better for him, schoolwise, but we've had setbacks. I'm very happy with his progress though, and his attendance is better than it has been in years.

he's not graduating this year, but we're crossing our fingers that he'll graduate next year. he's even been talking about going to college, which just about makes me cry. he wants to be a teacher.

our relationship has had its rough spots, but the good times outweigh the bad times by infinity. even though he is getting older, I still feel as close to him as I did the day he was born. we have an unspoken connection that nothing and no one will ever break. my firstborn, my only son, my reason for living when I had nothing else, I don't know where I would be if he and his sisters weren't a part of my life.

he knows that I would do anything for him and that I will love him no matter what. but I plan to remind him on Friday. I just hope I can find a card big enough to express it all.

boys - part one

I didn't have a boyfriend until I was a sophomore in high school, which was a lot later than most of my friends. I think it was because I was super shy and my self-esteem was so low that I couldn't ever believe that a boy would actually like me. and I was a big tomboy growing up, probably because I was uncomfortable being a girl. and because I grew up with two brothers and no sisters.

there were boys that liked me in middle school, quite a few actually for some reason, including a boy that had liked me since the third grade. I really liked him too but I didn't know what to do or how to act. it was embarassing to be so clueless about it so I just pretended that I didn't like him more than a friend. we did eventually go to a dance together our freshman year but by then it was pretty anticlimactic. I think he was tired of waiting and we decided we were going to just be friends. he was such a sweet boy, he would have been a great first boyfriend. we were pretty close friends until graduation, then we lost touch.

I had a couple of bad experiences with boys after that. the following summer I was working in the office of a nursing home and met a boy who was doing maintenance. he was a couple of years older than me. I was one of the two teenage girls working there and the other girl was a bit of a prude. so he started eating lunch with me and flirting with me. it eventually lead to some kissing when we were alone. he seemed nice enough but he was always trying to take things further. when he finally realized that I wasn't going to have sex with him, he stopped talking to me completely.

once school started, I met a girl who had transferred from another school in a nearby town. she was different from the girls I grew up with, she seemed so mature and she was completely boy-crazy. we were both in band and got to be superficial friends. she was a girl who was used to getting her own way and I was a girl who was used to doing what I was told. she knew about the boy from summer and knew that I wasn't really excited about meeting another boy but she somehow talked me into going on a date with a friend of her boyfriend.

we arranged it so that I would spend the night at her house and we would meet the boys after a football game. my date, Jeff, was on the team so we had to wait for him to finish playing. I spent the whole time during the game hanging out with people I didn't even know, which was never fun for me. and our whole "date" consisted of us spending the evening in her boyfriend's back seat while they made out in the front seat. we talked a little, kissed a little, he seemed like a nice guy.

we went on a few dates alone, to the movies or out to eat. I liked him but never really considered him my boyfriend. we didn't really go out that often and stopped seeing each other when my friend broke up with her boyfriend. apparently, Jeff had liked my friend for a while. no loss really. one day out of the blue he called me to tell me that they had broken up and that he wanted to see me. somehow she blamed it on me and we weren't friends anymore after that.

I met my first boyfriend when he was a freshman and I was a sophomore. we were both in band (yes, former band geek here!) and we would hang out during varsity football games. his name was Rob and he was funny and sweet and outgoing and popular. he played the tuba and was on the football team and wrestled. I don't think we really had much in common but he seemed harmless and he thought I was funny and cute so when he asked me to go out with him about a month after we met, I said yes. we "dated" for most of that school year and during that time only broke up once for a month or so. I can't remember why.

we were both too young to drive plus my high school was not in the town where I lived, so we didn't really go on many dates. we would spend all our free time together during school and on band trips we would spend the whole ride making out. I loved to make out, could and did do it for hours without really going any farther. he was a little handsy for me but it never got out of control.

our varsity football team went to State that year, which involved a long bus trip there and back. Rob's parents drove up for the game so he had to ride home with them. he introduced me to one of his friends and told me to sit with him. he told his friend to take care of me and make sure I was safe. how sweet is that? this guy, Jimmy, and I hit it off instantly. he made me laugh the whole way home. I don't think I ever had so much in common with someone else before. of course, I developed a huge crush on him. apparently he liked me too.

Rob had an older brother (in my grade) who really didn't like me for some reason. Mike was also in band. he would spend entire bus trips glaring at us. on one trip he walked by our seat and hit Rob in the back of the head, causing him to hit my mouth with his mouth, which broke a good-sized piece off of my front left tooth. god, that was so humiliating. it took about four trips to the dentist to get it permanently fixed. so stupid.

I dated two boys during that month or two that we broke up. the first boy was also in band (yeah, I know). I don't even remember how that got started and I had no idea that he like me, as usual. his name was Brad and he was from the Boys' Ranch (read as, juvenile detention center). completely not my type but really cute and nice for a delinquent. everyone hated that we were going out, especially Rob. I guess Brad probably wasn't a good guy but he was always nice to me. he was a big flirt though, and my frail ego couldn't deal with that so I broke up with him after a couple of weeks.

shortly after that breakup, a girl I had known since elementary school told me about a friend of hers that had liked me for about a year. he was in my English class, I think I sat right behind him but he never talked to me much. he was not in band, for a change, he was kind of an art guy. he was also a bit of a stoner and would go out during lunch and get drunk and stuff. still, she said he was really nice and really liked me a lot and hated seeing me with Brad. he wanted me to go to some Valentine's dance with him but was too shy to ask me himself. he was cute and smart and nice, so I said I would go. his name was John.

he started hanging out with me and my friends during school, which was nice but also strange. we talked a little but were both so shy and quiet around each other. it was awkward, but I did find out that he actually was a nice guy. the drugs and drinking bothered me, but I never really told him about it. we hadn't even been on a date yet, I would never have dreamt of telling him that.

the day of the dance finally came. it was a Friday night. I had to get a ride with a friend's parents because none of us had our license yet. John was waiting for me outside the building. my friend went inside but we just stood outside talking. he said that he didn't actually want to go to the dance, that it was just an excuse to go out with me. so instead we just walked around outside and talked. we made our way to the middle school and just hung out until it was time to go home. he never even tried to hold my hand or kiss me, which was very sweet.

the next day my best friend called me at my grandmother's house and said that John called her to get my number. it never occurred to me to give it to him for some reason. maybe because we didn't have a phone. she said he sounded kinda' anxious about it, which was weird. my friend and I made plans to go to a basketball game that night, just for something to do. Rob was there, hanging out with two other girls, one of them was his ex-girlfriend from middle school. but as soon as he saw us there, he left them and sat with us for the rest of the game. at the end of the night, he asked me if we could get back together and we did.

when I told John about it on Monday, he looked really hurt. I felt bad about that. he eventually started dating a girl that was a couple of years younger than us, she was a stoner too. I think they ended up getting married. after graduation, I ran into him at a football game. I was there with my soon-to-be first husband. John was really drunk or stoned, I couldn't tell which, and he asked me if I would want to go out again sometime right in front of my boyfriend. I was flattered and thought it was funny, my boyfriend was not amused. I saw him again at a restaurant where I was working a few years later. he hit on me again.

anyway, things with Rob were okay, but I wasn't completely happy. we continued to go out for the rest of the school year and over summer vacation. I spent a month with my cousins in a city that was about an hour away, babysitting some younger cousins. he drove up to see me one day, even though he didn't have his license yet. he drove his brother's car, one more reason for Mike to hate me.

we had spent time alone outside of school before but he had recently started pushing me to have sex. I guess there's only so much making out a boy can do before he wants to go further. who knew? that day was worse than usual, but I was sure that I would never give in. and I knew that it was past time for us to break up for good. besides once he got back home, he was in big trouble for driving up to see me and we weren't able to see each other for the rest of the summer.

when school started, we were still officially together but I tried to avoid him whenever I could. a few weeks later I had to tell him it was over but I tried to make sure that he already knew. we decided to still be friends, of course.

one of the freshman girls we knew from band was majorly in love with him. she used to tell me that she was going to take him away from me. after we broke up, he started seeing her. she spent the last half of her freshman year and part of her sophomore year being pregnant with his kid. she wanted us all to act like we didn't notice so we all pretended that we couldn't tell, even though it was really obvious. he was kind of a jerk about the whole thing, which is to be expected, I guess he was mostly scared. he never really cared that much about her anyway. I know that he gave her some money for an abortion but she never got it. after the baby was born, she gave him up for adoption.

to be continued...

ps - do everyone's stories from high school sound like a soap opera or is it just mine?

I'm trying to post something meaningful but...

of course I can't think of a single thing to write about at the moment. probably from lack of sleep and unexpressed anger. the boy was out past his court-appointed curfew last night. he went to a concert without telling us where he was, which violates another court order. and I was up past midnight waiting for him, alternating between worry and anger. I tried to call his friends but couldn't find him anywhere in town, which usually means he is avoiding me. I was sure that he was safe but not completely sure. my mind has been trained to always think the worst, so I did for a minute or two every hour. plus I'm a mom...I worry naturally. it's my job.

when he finally got home, it was the usual story. he tried to call but couldn't get through, even though there were three people at home with cell phones plus the house phone. but he doesn't know the cell numbers, even though he uses one of them all the time. but he told his sister where he was going, even though he knows that's not how it works. I grounded him, maybe more punishment will follow. I wouldn't care if he was late or if he went to a concert, but the rule is that I need to know where he is and when he's going to be late. and now I'm cranky and tired at work, which sucks. because it's way too tempting to go home and go back to bed.

if you have a minute...

the lovely and hilarious panthergirl is raising funds for the Greyhound Rescue & Rehab group in her area with this post. so please please please go there. all you have to do is leave a comment and she will personally donate at least $1.00 to the cause. how easy is that? if you tell her I sent you, I will be your best friend.

a link to make a donation yourself is also there, if you're so inclined.

bad dream

I had the worst dream Thursday night. it was really terrible, one of those where you wake up crying because it was just that bad. I have a lot of bad dreams, about a lot of bad things. but this one felt so real and hurt me so badly I can still feel it four days later.

in the dream I was reading an email from Brian that he had sent from work and it was about getting a new cell phone. in the email he mentioned someone named Caroline. I asked him who that was and he said, "we're not going to get into that right now." in a really mean voice. I don't know how it came out that this was someone from his work and he was in love with her and wanted to leave me. all I remember is being completely devastated. I was crying and crying and couldn't stop. my ex-husband's mom (who passed away eight years ago) was there and kept telling me it would be okay. I was just sitting on the floor, crying and rocking back and forth. I can remember thinking that I was going to have to kill myself to stop the pain. my step-dad showed up and said that they would get a bigger place and the kids and I could move in with them. I finally woke up, crying and I couldn't stop for quite a while. I eventually just moved closer to Brian, put my arm around him and fell asleep again.

this was possibly the worst I've felt after a dream since the time I dreamed I was being taken at gunpoint with my two older children in the car. I had this one a couple of years ago but in the dream the kids were still small, like maybe three and five. the guy who had the gun let them go but made me tell them to just start walking away and I had to stand there and watch them walk towards town, holding hands, looking for grandma's house. occasionally they would look back at me and the looks on their faces was what really did me in. at least when I woke up from that one I knew it could never happen.

and I know this one will never happen, he is such a decent and good man and he loves me way too much to ever do anything like that. but it could happen and I think that's why I'm having trouble getting past it. I know from past experience that it will go away eventually. I just wish it could happen pretty quickly.

my family. immediate family anyway.

mom: see this post.

dad: divorced mom when I was in kindergarten. I have one faded picture of him holding me and about three memories, which sucks. we never saw him again after the divorce. my brothers and I did get one letter each from his second wife when I was in high school, telling us that he was sorry and that he missed up and wished he could have visited us. it was strange. I wanted to write to him but my grandmother shamed me out of it. I regret letting her do that. and then I lost the address so that was the end of it.

step-dad: former drug addict/alcoholic. he was a very abusive father before he got off the drugs. he and my mother started dating while I was in junior high, he was one of those guys we would see at breakfast. they broke up when he decided to go back to his wife and kids. they got back together after his divorce and moved us all in together when I was a senior in high school. they were married about a year after that. I was already married with a kid by then.

he has become quite sick these last few years. diabetes and rheumatoid arthritis, not to mention his constant smoking and the effects of years of drug abuse, are killing him slowly and painfully. I don't know what my mother will do when he is gone.

step-brother: married, two girls. a big giant of a guy, the oldest of all of us and the most irresponsible. also a former drug addict/semi-alcoholic. his drinking is under control most of the time...well, at least it's not as bad as it used to be. we have his overbearing, bitchy wife to thank for that, I suppose. he has had some problems with the law and has stolen stuff from family, including pain medication and cash. he has made me cry more times than I can count but I still love him because he has a bigger heart than just about everyone I know. he used to have a crush on me when we were kids.

me: next in line but more about me in another post.

step-sister #1: married, two boys and one girl. has more issues than anyone I have ever met, including me, which says alot. she had a horrible childhood, abusive father, uncaring, absent, neglectful mother, siblings who were favored over her at every turn. she spent time in foster homes and group homes when she was younger, is still suicidal all the time. she is the one who doesn't really like me but that's okay. I try not to hold it against her.

step-sister #2 (hee hee! number two): married, one boy and one girl. she's such an amazing person. so caring and thoughtful and supportive and just a great sister to all of us. we have always gotten along and have grown really close over the years. she is the one I would trust with my secrets and fears. I know that I could tell her almost anything and she would still love me. she has had a tendency in the past to act older than she is (a lot older!) but has really lightened up over the last two years, which she gives me credit for. not sure if I want it but she does seem a lot happier now so it must be a good thing.

brother #1: single. the middle child growing up. I should put growing up in quotation marks because I think he's still working on that. or maybe he's given up. mom's unquestionable favorite when we were kids and still today, so obvious it seemed deliberate. he was named after our dad. after my mom's second marriage, he is the one who lived with the new family. I was married already and my little brother moved in with our grandmother when we moved in with my stepdad, etc. so we kinda' left him there by himself. I feel bad about that, because it took a while before things were good there. but I couldn't have done anything to help. he changes jobs a lot, and spends more time at the bar with his friends than anywhere else. he always seems to owe me money. I don't know how that happens.

brother #2 (hee hee! number two): divorced, one boy who he doesn't really see anymore. the baby, grandmother's favorite, always got everything he wanted, probably still does. the type of person who has to be with someone who will take care of him. really into sports, plays softball all year long, and travels to out-of-town tournaments. avoids all family except brother #1 and . I usually only see him if he needs something from me or if I run into him accidentally or at the rare holiday get together. he gets bent out of shape if he's not invited to something but never shows up when he is invited. it's weird not seeing him, but I'm not surprised. he made a choice to leave us when we moved, I don't think he ever really came back.

step-sister #3: married, one boy, our godson. she is the true baby. when our families moved in together, she was five. my earliest memory of her is coming home from school every day to her sitting in front of the television, watching The Neverending Story. every day. sometimes three or four times a night. talk about never ending. we didn't get along for quite a few years but that was because of my immaturity and her brattiness. she's still a brat but in the good way, if such a thing is possible. we are really close too. how could I not love the person who introduced me to Brian? but I loved her before that, we are great friends and sisters. we have way too much in common, considering the fact that she is twelve years younger than me. and we always have so much fun together. she makes me laugh all the time. I would do anything for her.

husband and kids post to follow soon. don't want everyone here to fall asleep. sorry if it's too late!