ugly post...read at your own risk

I was six years old, from what I can remember, playing hide-and-seek with my cousins and brothers at our grandparents house. it was another one of those days where we had no adult supervision. my father had already moved out for the last time, my mother was at work. as long as we stayed outside, no one else really cared what we were doing and they never bothered to check on us. besides, our uncle was with us. he was the baby of his family, everyone's favorite, the boy who could do no wrong, the star. he was charming and funny, always the center of attention and he always got whatever he wanted. he was eight years older than me.

he could talk us kids into doing anything. jumping off barns, catching crayfish in the irrigation ditch, chasing sheep in the fields, climbing apricot trees, shooting BB guns and slingshots. he was like our big brother. we always looked to him for something to do, and when he wasn't busy with his friends he indulged us. playing hide-and-seek that day was his idea.

I was a quiet kid, very timid and shy. a daddy's girl whose daddy wasn't around anymore. I missed him so much. he had been gone for about a year by that time. and I was just starting to figure out that he probably wouldn't be back.

it was probably summer, I don't remember exactly. I do remember it being hot outside. I remember a slight breeze and the sound of it moving through the leaves. I remember someone counting, I remember my uncle grabbing my hand and telling me that we should hide in the garage. I remember thinking that we weren't allowed in the garage but before I could say anything he was pulling me towards it.

we hid behind the car, an orange VW bug. he was standing behind me, so close that I felt his breath on my neck. it was dark and cool and quiet. he whispered in my ear for me to watch the door and be quiet so no one would find us. then he wrapped his arm across my chest, pulled me in close and put his hand into my shorts. I didn't make a sound and just kept my eyes on that door.

it felt like we were in that garage for hours, although it couldn't have been more than a few minutes. I couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't think, couldn't breathe. finally, whoever was "it" gave up and called, "Ollie, Ollie, oxen free!" and the game was over. as we walked towards the door, he leaned down and said that if I ever told anyone what had just happened, he would kill me. and I believed him.

there were so many opportunities for him to be alone with me and he took advantage of almost every one of them. when my mother would go out at night, he was our babysitter and after the boys were asleep, he would send me to bed, only to follow behind me a few minutes later. he was also in charge of us during the day when she worked and my grandmother was busy. the boys would be sent outside to play and I would stay inside alone with him.

he loved to torture and torment me, physically and mentally. I wasn't allowed to shut the door when I had to use the bathroom, especially when he had friends over. he knew that I was afraid of water and was always threatening to drown me. he liked to stab me with things, a meat hook once, a screwdriver, an ice pick, assorted knives. he would shock me or burn me or hit me whenever he thought that no one was looking. on the rare occasion when I would tell someone about him hitting or cutting me, I was told to quit crying and was sent back outside.

he molested me for years. even after he moved away to California he would always manage to find a way to get me alone whenever he came back to visit. things progressed from him touching me to kissing me, to him forcing me to touch him and eventually to rape. he was also abusing one of my cousins, usually on separate occasions but I do remember him making me watch him with her and then making her watch him with me whenever he could arrange it. she was a year older than me. the two of us have never talked about any of this.

it was easy to pretend that none of it ever happened. easier than admitting that it had. because it was just too horrible to be true and I doubt that anyone would have believed me if I had told and I really was terrified that he would kill me. he had everyone wrapped around his finger. they all thought that he was an angel and I was just another annoying little kid. no one suspected for years and even then, it was never acknowledged to anyone beyond my grandmother asking me if I had seen him one day when she got back from the store and wondering out loud what was going on between him and my cousin.

to this day, I don't think anyone in my family knows about any of this. I know I haven't told anyone about it except my first husband and Brian. he wishes I would tell my mother about it, he wants everyone to know the truth. but I can't do it. even though I know that I should. I don't have the energy to deal with it, with them. Brian also wishes he could find my uncle and beat the shit out of him, which I appreciate but discourage. I'm so glad we will never have an occasion to be in the same room as him. I doubt if I could restrain Brian if they ever did meet. I'm not even sure I would try.

Candid

my photo friday entry. this week's challenge: candid



I don't get it...

pictures as promised

some photos from our trip to the beach:









and the fireworks:

so last night wasn't bad. it wasn't great but it wasn't terrible. we spent most of it moving Casey's stuff into the now empty bedroom. the girls don't have to share a room anymore, which makes them both very happy. I think they could tell that I was a little sad because they were extra sweet and funny yesterday. so was Brian. he called me at work today on his lunch hour, just to see how I was doing, which was completely unexpected and wonderful.

I wanted to post about our holiday weekend yesterday because, except for that one thing, it was awesome. and I have some lovely pictures to post too, if I can get some time on the internet at home tonight.

we spent part of Friday and most of Saturday helping my youngest sister move from her current upstairs apartment to the one directly below it. and since they weren't moving far, they didn't bother to pack. anything. which sucked for those of us (me and Brian) that were "helping" them move. she had to work, plus she's pregnant, so she didn't really do much. but her husband was home and asked us to come over at 12:15. when we got there, he was giving some guy a tattoo. so we just started moving stuff without him until everything but the big stuff was done. then he and Brian moved the furniture, we straightened up what we could and left.

Saturday night we met most of the family for dinner at a steakhouse in our little town to celebrate my bro-in-law's 23rd birthday. dinner was yummy and they had a band playing outside on the patio. the weather was beautiful and we had a great time. after dinner, we all went back to the new apartment (hence the straightening up) for cake, etc. we finished up the night by meeting my other sister for a couple of drinks at a bar that was ridiculously cold. I spent the entire time shivering. no joke.

Sunday we went to a cookout at my sister's in-laws with Casey. her in-laws are a great bunch of people. I love hanging out with them and I love the way we all treat each other like family. my sister and her husband have been married for sixteen years so we've all known each other forever. our parents were there too, which was a nice surprise. there was tons of food and cute little boys running around making us laugh. it was a beautiful sunny evening and again, we had a great time. we made plans with my brother-in-law and his brother to take the kids to Buck Creek the next day.

I don't swim, for those people who don't know me. and I'm not really fond of water (read as: I'm too embarassed to admit that I'm afraid of water). and I'm incredibly not tan. so, I wasn't really looking forward to spending the day by the water but I didn't complain. instead I loaded up on sunblock and bottled water and turkey sandwiches and a big old blanket and off we went.

the kids (Casey, my niece and nephew) had so much fun. the water was cold, apparently, but that didn't stop them. I sat by the edge of the water and took tons of pictures. when they needed a break from swimming, they came back up near the blankets and took turns burying each other in the sand. it was super hot out but there was a nice breeze blowing so it wasn't terrible.

that night we got together with my sisters, their husbands and kids for fireworks. again, I took a ton of pictures, about five of them turned out decently. one of them is spectacular! no lie, you'll agree when you see it. or not.

anyway, there were a lot more good things than bad this weekend. I need to try to focus on that instead of letting a few bad things ruin my whole day/week. having a lot of good things going on is new for me though, so it might take some time.

too much information, none of it nice.

from the birthday calculator thingy

As of 7/6/2005 8:31:09 AM CDT

You are 37 years old.
You are 445 months old.
You are 1,933 weeks old.
You are 13,529 days old.
You are 324,704 hours old.
You are 19,482,271 minutes old.
You are 1,168,936,269 seconds old.

I left for work this morning, walked outside to find that it was raining and that Brian forgot to take the trash to the curb. of course the trash bin was overly full. of course I had straightened my hair. of course I had to take the trash out and now have not-great hair today. I was dreading going to work more than normal because this is my first day back since finding out that I didn't get the promotion I applied for. bleh.

I was in a bad mood already because the boy moved out yesterday and was a complete ass about it. he's really mad at me for kicking him out but things only got worse once he got back from Utah. not that he broke any more rules but his attitude was horrible. the kids all got back on Wednesday. it's never been a bittersweet homecoming before, which sucks.

after I got home from work on Friday, I told him that he needed to figure out what he was doing and where he was going to live. I think if he would have apologized and asked us not to make him leave, I might have changed my mind. but he was still incredibly defiant and disrespectful and called me a hypocrit for being mad at him for drinking. he said that he wasn't sorry for anything and that he didn't think I could legally kick him out until his court costs from his juvenile probation stuff were paid. I told him I was paying them next week and that he had until Monday to get out.

he left the house right after our talk and didn't come back until Sunday afternoon. when I asked him if he found somewhere to stay, he said that he had. when I asked him where, he said that it wasn't any of my business. when I asked him why he wasn't staying there yet, he said that he had one more day before he had to leave. he then managed to eat all of the snacks that we had gotten for the girls that were supposed to last all week in about 24 hours, invited three of his loser friends over while we were at Buck Creek Beach yesterday to help him pack and eat a ton of other stuff, and left without saying a word to anyone.

it's for the best, I keep telling myself that. he obviously has a lot of growing up to do and hopefully being out on his own will help. he is being a huge jerk to us and the girls but it still kills me to know that I'm not going to see him for a while. Brian isn't being very supportive right now either. I can't talk to him about it without him getting angry. I understand that he's frustrated with the boy but I wish he understood that I just need him to be there for me and he can't seem to manage that right now. I can't imagine how this day could get any shittier.

used in the centerpieces at our wedding reception

my entry for Photo Friday. this week's challenge = used:

blogger love

I love my new blog. you know...this one I'm writing to right now. it's not exactly new, I've had it since December, but I still feel like I'm just starting to find my way around here. I used to keep a livejournal, but there was always too much stupidness on my "friends" list. and there were too many people there that I knew in real life, which made it even more annoying. so I'm trying to stay away from it and spend more time here, where I am happy and not annoyed.

I love blogger, and blogrolling.com and all the people whose blogs I read daily. actually, I say "daily" but it's more like two or three times a day. at least. I can't seem to stay away. I read waaaaaay more than I write but you all are just so interesting and/or amusing and/or kind. I can't tell you how honored I am that anyone reads this thing, but the people who stop by on a regular basis are just the best! and I want to thank each of you individually by telling everyone else why you are so awesome. thank you for inspiring me to keep writing and sharing and for giving me a minute of your time once in a while.

the list is in alphabetical order, with the exception of my thanks to my friend Ian.

Ian is the one who convinced me to start this blog, as I have said before. he is always at least two steps ahead of me when it comes to this kind of stuff and blogger was no exception. we used to work together, a hundred years years ago, and I consider him one of my best friends in the whole world. he knows me better than almost anyone, knows a lot of my deep dark secrets and is still my friend. he never judges or criticizes me, he has always been supportive and understanding and he always makes me laugh.

I read his blog every day. it's my way of keeping track of what he's been up to and how he's feeling now that we don't see each other five times a week anymore. he was recently diagnosed with Huntington's Disease and has been using his blog to document his feelings and symptoms and thoughts and progress, among other things. I admire and respect him so much for the way he has accepted his diagnosis and for the changes he has made in his life since finding out about it. he makes me cry on a weekly basis but I am so grateful that he gives me these glimpses into his everyday life. and I am honored to be his friend.

I found Raehan's blog via Michele Agnew's site of the day. her blog is very unique-looking and her post were entertaining so I was immediately hooked. I added her to my blogroll the first time I visited her site. I tried to be one of those lurkers who just reads all the posts and leaves an occasional comment but when she made an effort to include me in her "Collecting Favorites" post, I knew that this wasn't the place for that type of reader. Raehan welcomed me to her blog so warmly and sincerely. she is one of my favorite reads.

Average Mom/Yukon Mom was another site of the day, I think. I love the way she writes, it's so descriptive, and the way she refers to her kids as Boy Terror and Girl Terror, and the fact that she is so obviously proud of her so-called terrors. and she posts adorable pictures of them, too!

Ben is one of those people that I've known for years without ever meeting. we met via Ian, who used to run an independent music magazine that I used to write reviews for (I sucked). Ben was one of the people whose music I reviewed. I love Ben. he is incredibly talented and just a really nice guy. he doesn't post as often as I would like but when he does post, he usually includes a new song of his. he is also good for a picture or two.

Captain Picard's Journal is high-larious. I found him when he left a comment on my site as a part of Michele's meet 'n' greet a few weekends ago. I haven't spent a lot of time reading his older stuff but if you are a Star Trek fan, you should definitely go have a look around.

I found Cathy using that "next blog" button on blogger. I think hers was one of the first blogs I started to read on a regular basis. her blog is full of family posts and pictures and she is always so amusing. you all probably missed the post where she painted her pregnant belly like an Easter Egg. it was quite...uh, graphic but also quite beautiful.

Fidget was another "next blog" blog and quite a find! she is a talented artist, loving mother and wife, and damn hilarious. hell yeah, she will post about body odor and poop and being on medication for depression and her love of spatulas! and I guarantee she will make you laugh out loud.

the girls at Go Fug Yourself are always good for a snarky post. since they never visit me, I don't really know much about them. but I do love them, in that gossipy, catty, bitchy girl way.

Jootastic was a blogroll link that I stole from Fidget. a lot of my links were stolen from other people. because I'm lazy like that. I liked her blog right away because there was a picture of Lisa Simpson right at the top. and after reading a few posts, I knew she was a keeper!

I think I stole Last Girl on Earth from panthergirl at The Dog's Breakfast. she is an inspiration, a girl who is pursuing her dream of being a professional musician and actually succeeding without losing her sense of humor. she has probably met more famous people than anyone I "know" and I am completely honored that she graces my blog with her presence occasionally.

Micah World is a fairly new discovery. I think he is a link from panthergirl, one of her Wednesday's Child recommendations. I blogrolled him because he is just silly and funny and he gives away prizes sometimes. he lives in Ohio like me, he quotes the Smiths songs, he posted pictures of hot girls on his blog, he wears a cowboy hat...what's not to love?

every blog I visit seems to have a link to Michele Agnew and once I read her blog, it was easy to see why! if our little blogosphere is a party, then Michele is our host and everyone is invited. I love, love, love the way she encourages us to be a community and the way she entertains us with her questions and games. it's just fun finding new blogs to read through her site of the day posts.

Christine at Mommy Matters is a great writer. she's so entertaining, her children are beautiful and her stories are always funny. she loves tea and They Might Be Giants, she hates facial hair and men with big egos. her blog is so pretty, I just love everything about it!

Carson at Mommylogue was another site of the day, I think. if not, she should have been. her most recent post is about how she doesn't like people and she does go on to say "that probably includes you." her husband is referred to as "Whatshisname" which I find quiet funny, and she has two adorable children. her daughter is four and plays the violin. how impressive is that!

is anyone noticing how many mommies I link to? me neither.

Chick and Dick are linked as Mostly Chick on my blogroll, although Dick does a good amount of posting when he's up to it. I stole them from Fidget and was intrigued by their blog description "...a male & female point of view...We are two former coworkers who share similar ideas on what's absurd...or just plain funny...thought we could offer a unique view on life & stuff..." so yeah, that reminds me of Ian and me back in the day when we worked together. they, and the people that visit them, are hilarious. Chick always seems to be involved in some adventure and lots of crazy things seem to happen to her.

Betsy at My Whim is Law was a site of the day too. she posts lots of stuff about her kids and their activities. her daughter is referred to as Drama Mama (I have one of those too!) and her son is The Mogul. the children have blogs too, which is really cute. Betsy is also a big music lover so we have that in common. you should check out her 80's pictures. she looks so cute!

Not Your Typical Southern Belle has the blog design that I would have if I had thought of it. seriously, show anyone who knows me her blog and mine, ask them to guess which one is mine and they would probably pick hers. so how could I not link to her? plus we seem to have similar interests and I love the way she says whatever she feels and doesn't let people make her feel bad for it.

Annie at One Thing I Hate About Today has a beautiful blog. I love the colors and graphics. she and I are both (as she calls it) serial brides, we both have issues with our mothers, we both love our darling husbands, we both have curly hair! damn, we may even been twins. she seems to be another person who doesn't let people push her around. I really admire that about her.

I found Psychobabble's blog through Blog Explosion and she immediately won me over with a countdown to the release of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince right at the top of her site. plus you can change the skins on her blog (I chose the Fairly-Odd Parents). she is another mommy with a blog and her kid stories are cute and funny!

Quirky A. Chick (the "A" stands for "Assed" according to her) was a site of the day. I love her bright red blog and love seeing pictures of her son, Quirky Boy. this is her description of herself: Short, loudmouthed leftie (both in politics and handwriting) Catholic chick of French-Canadian descent whose life has its occasional moments of poopiness. Nonetheless, if asked, I'll tell you that I've never been happier. And I'll mean it when I say it, too. it fits, and she is great.

Scott-o-rama has been on my blogroll for about a week. I found him on Blog Explosion and linked to him right away. I love his blog design. it's so retro and awesome. the first post I read on his blog was a guest post, since he was in Las Vegas at the time. it was titled "Harajuku Girls" and made me laugh out loud at work. I hope to find some time to sift through his archives soon. and hope that he finds some time to stop by my blog for a visit.

Alli at Sixty-three Days has the most addictive blog in the whole world. I am always impatient for a new post. it's all about her time at one of those troubled teen boot camp places where kids were abused and died. don't visit her for the first time unless you are prepared to read her posts from beginning to end in one sitting. it's that compelling.

I either stole Supervelma from Chick and Dick or Fidget, I can't remember which. the first time I went to her blog, she had a picture of the back of Marge Simpson when she had those really huge knockers and flashed all the boys so they wouldn't shoot Stampy. so yeah. her posts are always so clever and funny and sarcastic. I love them. and her blog template is that argyle one that's so cute.

my most favorite blogger in the whole blogger world is Ginger at Sweet & Somber Fairytale. not only because she designed by lovely blog for me but also because she always seems so bubbly and cute. she's also quite funny and sometimes a little snarky and I really admire her for being a high school teacher (I have high schoolers, believe me, she deserves tons of admiration). and she posts lots of pictures, which I always love.

the mysterious Complimenting Commenter found me. and gave me a compliment! and really, who doesn't love someone who says nice things about you? his or her blog seems to exist soley for the purpose of saying nice things to everyone. sometimes you can even nominate a fellow blogger for a compliment. too nice.

panthergirl at The Dog's Breakfast is just amazing. I want to be like her when I grow up. except that it's too late because even as a kid, she was cooler than me. it is worth a trip to her blog just to read her 100 things. seriously, this woman is incredible.

Therese (pronounced "TUH-Rez") from The Origins of Shoeism was the first blog I started reading on a regular basis, except for Ian's. I found her with that "next blog" button and I flat out love her. she posts about her friends and their misadventures and she always makes me laugh.

Thoughts Outside My Head is another Blog Explosion link. her blog is so, so pretty! Indigo is a fellow thirty-something from the Midwest but unlike me, she has great stories, an iPod and she participates in 5K runs. wow. I haven't been reading her blog for very long but I'm definitely going to spend some time over there soon!

Cara at To Whom It May Concern was a site of the day, too. she is lucky enough to be a stay-at-home mom to her two children. she posts Tuesday is Chooseday questions that I never answer but should and lots of stories about her family. and sometimes she starts debates about controversial subjects but she doesn't allow anyone to be criticized for their opinions. I really respect that.

Todd's Random Meanderings are nice little updates about his family or his life or his movie projects for the people who know him or for people like me who know people who know him. we are good buddies on livejournal and I consider him my friend even though we've never met. I'm sure we'll get around to it sometime. probably at a cookout!

I love Zach Braff. and Scrubs and Garden State and his blog, which isn't updated very often. I think he is one of the funniest people in the whole world. he is the only famous person whose blog I read. except for Ian's.

Zinnia is in the middle of writing a book and is posting chapters to her blog as they are written. it's a really interesting story and it's kinda' neat to get to read it as it's being written. her blog title is "Real E Fun - tales from a non-religious funeral celebrant" which is funnier to me that it probably should be. tee hee!

so that's my list so far. I'm sure I'll be adding lots more to it some time soon. thank you all again for being so great!

don't know why...

I guess because everyone else is doing it. and because I'm bored at work today. at least it was semi-interesting.

my stat counter hit 2,000 today. I'm completely amazed.

yesterday I got a spur-of-the-moment haircut. I had never been to this hairstylist before so I was pretty nervous. it's hard for me to get my hair cut the way I want, hard to find a stylist who knows how to work with outrageously curly hair. but somehow, she did exactly what I wanted. I LOVE IT!!! before the cut, it was about halfway down my back. now it brushes my shoulders. I can't believe how perfect it is. this picture isn't the greatest but it will have to do.

it's Friday!

and I'm posting my photo friday picture on time for once! I just uploaded this picture last night and it happens to fit this week's challenge, Orange:



there are so many colors in this picture but I think it's primarily orange. plus I just love it and will use any excuse to post it. it's a display from the Chihuly exhibit at the Franklin Park Conservatory. we went in March for the Blooms and Butterflies exhibit with Casey, her friend Paige and the baby. everything was so beautiful. we love doing stuff like that.

we spent the whole day Saturday at Judes' house. Brian spent about six hours cooking ribs:



for a birthday party for me and our friend, Mike:



and I spent the day taking pictures of stuff in my sister's yard (she is such a great gardener):





the baby came over to entertain us for a few hours:



it's always so much fun to spend time with him. he was in a great mood (ignore his expression in that last picture) and he wore us out just watching him run around the yard.

the party was so great. we had ribs and chicken and shrimp and brats and tons of other stuff that Brian didn't make. and then we all sat in the backyard for hours. just listening to music and drinking beers and talking and laughing and having an excellent time. the weather was beautiful, it even got a little chilly! everyone had a good time and I don't think it could have been any better. it was a perfectly relaxing day. I hope we get a lot more of those.

my birthday, after a rocky start, turned out to be a great one after all. when I got to work, there were no balloons, no huge birthday banner, not even a card. this is how I prefer it. I don't like to draw unnecessary attention to myself for any reason, especially at work. and a big "Happy Birthday" over my cubicle seems to attract attention. I got a few birthday wishes from coworkers, which was nice. and a birthday poem and email from Ian. work was uneventful for the most part. so yay.

when I got home, two of my sisters, two nephews and a niece were there. and Brian of course. he warned me at the door that we had a house full of people, which was very sweet, and gave me a dozen red roses. seriously, who would not love this man? I got two nice cards from my sisters and a new cute shirt. they slowly got the hint that it was time to leave and Brian fixed dinner.

we had yummy steaks and baked potatoes and a nice bottle of Riesling. we debated on whether to go see a movie or not and eventually decided to rent one instead. the night was so peaceful and relaxing, except for some whining from the dog, who was begging for some steak. and the best part was getting a card in the mail from Casey. it really made my day.

I'm sorry, but...

I'm sticking with this decision, no matter how hard it is. I've given him so many chances and he's wasted every one of them. he needs to know that there are consequences for his misdeeds. he needs to learn to appreciate what he has and work for what he wants and respect other people's property. I've talked and talked and talked but I'm out of words. I'm going to let my actions speak for me now.

this will be the hardest thing I've ever done. but I know it's the right thing to do. I still love him so much but I can't protect him from the real world forever. it's time for him to grow up and start acting his age and see what life is really like.

last night I kicked the boy out of the house. because we found some empty alcohol bottles in his room. again. and some matches. which means he's been smoking something. I called him in Utah last night to tell him, so he would have time to figure out where he's going to go when/if he gets back and so I wouldn't change my mind, because we've already warned him and he either didn't believe us or didn't care. he didn't apologize or try to explain. he said, "thanks for ruining my vacation."

happy birthday to me.

my own personal series of unfortunate events

I normally work from 8-12 on Fridays. it is so awesome having those afternoons off. I usually have a million errands to run but it's nice to get them out of the way before the weekend starts.

this past Friday I was planning to come home and wash the dog and then do a little housework before Brian got home. things started out well enough. until I locked myself and the soaking wet dog out of the house. without my cell phone. and of course I don't know any of the neighbors.

so Phoebe and I had to walk to my sister's house so she could drive me to Brian's work to pick up a key. the dog was completely drenched and still soapy. my sister wasn't home. luckily Brian's dad and stepmom live next door to her place. and, yay! they were home.

the owner's wife answered the phone when I called Brian at work. that's always good. but she did let me speak to him right away, which never happens. I must have sounded desperate. I explained what happened, he chuckled for a minute and said he would be right there. he had to pick us up at his parents, drive us home, let us in the house and then go back to work for two hours. how sucky is that?

the rest of my weekend was wonderful. no really! but I'll write about that later so I can post some pictures. I know you can't wait!

ps - tomorrow is my birthday.

Photo Friday - catch up

I'm posting pictures for the last three Photo Fridays because I've fallen behind in my posting. today is going to be all about posting pictures.

This week's challenge: Sports



I love this picture. my nephew went to Magic Mountain with us for Casey's birthday and in this shot, he has completely missed the ball! mini golf counts as a sport, right?

Last week's challenge: Nerdy



my brother-in-law's cousin, making a nerdy face wearing nerdy glasses and a nerdy Steelers coat. he's actually a normal looking guy but I'm not sure what he was doing when I took this picture.

Two weeks ago: Rare



there's a long story behind this one. Hannah never wears dresses and hasn't worn one in about 8 years. the dress she's wearing in the picture is the dress her sister Casey wore to our wedding. yes, she's wearing it over a purple camo t-shirt. you can't see her grey pants or Doc Marten boots under the skirt. the only reason she's wearing this dress and letting me take a picture of her is because I bribed her with a new hacky sack. Hannah will do almost anything for a laugh.


I am really grateful that we are such good friends with my sister and her husband. she is such an amazing person, so giving and supportive and just wonderful. she has always been there when I needed someone. there aren't many people in my life that I can count on, she is one of them. she never judges me or criticizes me. she accepts me and loves me as I am. oh, and he's great too.

we had dinner with them last night. it was so nice. the four of us get along so well. it's great to be able to spend an enjoyable evening with another couple that we have so much in common with. we always have a great time with them. we've planned another dinner for tomorrow night and we're seeing them Saturday. I haven't been spending as much time with Judes recently as I have in the past. I hope that's going to change. I do love her so much.

as of 8pm last night, we are officially kid-free until June 29th. guess how we celebrated...that's right, by having a glass of wine and going right to sleep! yeah, we're crazy when there are no kids around.

yesterday was an exhausting day though. we had to take my parents to the airport, which was more of an ordeal than taking children. they are visiting my most favorite relatives in Boston for about ten days. my stepdad was ridiculously nervous about the flight. to the point where he almost didn't go. he drove us (mostly me) crazy with all kinds of questions and he kept insisting on getting out of the wheelchair when it wasn't necessary. my mother, who had knee replacement surgery in 2000 and forgot to tell the TSA people at the security check, kept setting off the metal detector. they made it, finally. but next time, if there ever is a next time, someone else can take them.

the boy also left yesterday, about an hour after my parents so we spent about three hours at the airport after work. it's almost as tiring as spending hours at the doctor's office with a sick kid.

today I am totally worn out and my allergies are acting up and work is hell. we're going to my sister's tonight to plan out a big birthday party this weekend for her brother-in-law and me! it's going to be great. her kids are out of town until Sunday evening and Brian is in charge of the food so it should be a drinking/eating/laughing good time. even the weather is supposed to be decent, which is almost miraculous.

I keep forgetting to post my Photo Friday picture. this week's challenge is "Nerdy" and I have the perfect picture. I'll try to get it posted tonight but don't count on it.

when the people who raised you and were supposed to love you no matter what failed to give you a sense of self-worth, it's hard, if not impossible, to find it for yourself after they're done inflicting their damage on a daily basis. I'm trying...but it seems so futile.

yesterday was a busy day for us. we started out the morning watching our godson for about half an hour. he's an irresistable little guy, such a charmer. he has a laugh that melts my heart and fills me up with joy. it's amazing, how much power he has over all of us at such a young age.

his parents were at the doctor, getting an ultrasound of the new baby. and we were the first ones to watch the video with them afterwards. it was incredible, the baby was moving around the whole time. he or she (we don't know yet) almost seemed to be showing off for the camera. watching it took me back to the days when I was pregnant and made me wish that I could have another baby. but I know I'm too old to take care of an infant, and I definitely don't have the energy to take care of a toddler!

after they left, we went to Brian's niece's baseball game. in the rain. they lost 30-8, which sucked. before this game they were undefeated but so was the other team. we stayed for a few minutes afterwards to socialize with his family, which I still find a little awkward. it's mostly me, I know that. but it's still something that I'm not comfortable with yet. and I hate that. because he deserves better.

we had a graduation party after that, for his boss's daughter. I had never met his boss before and only knew a few people from his work so I wasn't looking forward to it at all. to the point where I was trying to find a way to excuse myself from going. I knew that he would still go but I also knew that he wouldn't like going without me so I didn't mention it. I told myself that I could do it, that I was an adult, that we were only going to be there for a little while anyway. it worked, because it was true. and it was fine. I did feel a little ridiculous for being right at Brian's side the whole time but he knows that I need that. I don't like being left alone with strangers. I always feel like they're assessing me and dismissing me immediately afterwards, which is absurd, I know. but it's how I feel.

we had a nice time though and before we knew it, it was time to go. we had another party that evening. a friend's 30th birthday. two of my sisters and their husbands were going with us. they were grilling some hotdogs and hamburgers and there was tons of stuff to drink. it was out in the country, which was so nice. the weather was perfect, a little overcast but still warm with a cool breeze blowing over us every once in a while. there was a little pond on the property and a large stack of wood was set up near it for a bonfire.

it should have been a great time. and it was for the most part. when the bonfire was lit, my sister and I went to sit beside it with Brian and the guy who had lit the fire. it was so peaceful out there, watching the flames and listening to the frogs croaking in the pond. we were talking about my mother (her stepmother) and the fact that her test results would be in at the end of this month. we talked about other things too, unimportant things really. but it was nice and I was enjoying myself.

the rest of the party stayed down by the house. and I could tell that Brian was getting anxious to rejoin them. he asked me if I was planning to stay where I was for the rest of the night. I said that I probably was, which was not what he wanted to hear. I think he felt obligated to stay with me and I can understand why he would feel like that. I told him he didn't have but he said that he wanted to. I could tell he didn't mean it though. I knew he would have preferred for both of us to go back to the party. but more and more people that I didn't know were showing up and it was getting too hard for me to be around them.

so he stayed with us but everytime he left, it seemed to take longer for him to come back. and it made me feel like such a burden when he would eventually make his way back to the fire. if he had been there alone, I know he would have had a better time. I hold him back. I don't mean to but I do. with my stupid problems and stupid fears and my inability to do the things that normal people do. it makes me wonder if there are times when he wishes that he didn't marry me. I don't see how he wouldn't think that. especially when we're surrounded by people like him, who aren't scared of everything and can fit in wherever they go.

I want to be better but I feel like it's too late. the damage has been done and it's irreparable. if I haven't recovered in 37 years, it's just not going to happen. I don't like it but I can accept it. for myself. I can't accept it for him. he deserves better, so much better. I'm scared that the day will come when he won't be able to handle my shit anymore. and I don't think I would blame him one bit.

edgy...but not in the good way. apologies in advance for being moody.

so the girls left for Utah on Tuesday, which sucks. I always think I'm looking forward to having some time without the kids and then when they leave, I can't handle it. the boy leaves on Monday and it will probably be even worse after that. I'm nervous that he will decide to stay out there with his stepdad instead of coming home. I know that asshole already told Stephen that he was welcome to live out there if he wanted. I hate him. a lot.

note to self: call your stepdad later today. my mother had her tests on Monday and yesterday. so I need to call him to find out how it went. she had to get an MRI yesterday and she is highly claustrophobic so it probably didn't go well, if it happened at all. she couldn't even handle one on those open MRI machines so it's doubtful that she got through it. hopefully it wasn't too stressful for either of them.

the beginning of the end

I guess we all get to that point in our lives when we can no longer ignore the fact that our parents are getting older and when that time comes, I guess it's normal to think about how we will feel when they are no longer with us. unfortunately, there are some people in my family who I do not care about at all and some people who I know I should care more about, but can't. my grandmother (and a few others) falls into that first category. it makes me sad to admit that my mother is in the second.

my stepdad is not well. and hasn't been for quite a few years. he has rheumatoid arthritis and diabetes, he is a long-time smoker and has heart problems that are inoperable due to his other health problems. at age 58, he looks like he's at least 70. this isn't really anything new. he's been sick for quite a while. lately though, I've noticed that he seems to be more frail and tired. he is completely dependent on his pain medications just to get through the day and the medications take a heavy toll on his body. factor in his uncontrollable cigarette addiction (at least two packs a day) and you can imagine how sick he really is.

my mother is his only caregiver. my mother, who I would never consider a proper caregiver for anyone. she does a fairly good job of it, I guess, driving him around, making sure he has his medicine and taking care of the house. she's not very emotionally supportive though, she never has been. and she doesn't deal with reality very well, she'd rather just pretend that problems don't exist. so it's hard to find out exactly what is going on with him at home, even harder to find out what's going on with her. and apparently there's something going on with her.

she's always been pretty flighty and thoughtless and unconcerned with anyone else's problems. she's inconsiderate and childish and forgetful. it's gotten a lot worse recently, especially the forgetfulness. to the point where you find yourself having the same conversations with her two or three times over the course of one meal. it's been out of control for more than a year but she has refused to see a doctor about it. and since she tends to ignore the things she doesn't want to deal with, no amount of nagging on my part could convince her that there might be something wrong.

my stepdad tended to take her side whenever I would bring it up. and say that he thought it was just an act or that it wasn't as bad as I was making it out to be. I think he was scared to admit that there might be something wrong with her. part of that was the normal denial any of us would have if we thought a loved one might be ill but I think the larger part of it was fear of what would become of him if she wasn't able to take care of him anymore. whatever it was, unless I had him on my side, I knew I would never get her to do anything about it. so I quit trying.

I don't know what happened that made her see the doctor earlier this month but it doesn't matter. I do know that she is being tested for Dementia and Alzheimer's this week. I didn't hear about it from her, of course. my stepdad told me yesterday at a family graduation party. he looked terrified when he told me. I didn't know what to say. I still don't know what to say. and I don't know how I feel about any of it.

it seems almost certain that the doctor will find something and I have no idea what that will mean for any of us. I do know that our lives will change pretty drastically some time in the future. I hate that.

time for a new post

I don't like meeting new people. I'm completely convinced that I make a terrible first impression. I don't want to be looked at or talked about or even thought about. I'm uncomfortable at parties when I don't have someone beside me who I know really well. I am so bad at making small talk or initiating conversations. I feel like a total social retard. I'm 36 years old and act like an awkward teenager whenever I meet someone. it's awful.

of course Brian is the exact opposite. he has a way of fitting in wherever he goes and everyone thinks he is a great guy, which he is. I'm so envious and impressed and proud all at the same time.

I am a sucky friend in real life and in blog life

happy late birthday to:

Ian

Ginger

Christine's son

and Fidget.

I really am a terrible person.

vacation

the children's last day of school is Friday. and the three of them are going to visit Casey's dad in Utah for about three weeks. the girls leave on the 7th and the boy leaves on the 13th and they will all be back on the 29th. which means that Brian and I will have the house to ourselves for that whole time!

don't get me wrong, I'll miss them a lot. I always get really sad when they're gone for any length of time. but it will be so nice to spend some time at home alone with my husband. this will be a big change from prior summers when the kids were gone and I would freak out and get depressed and do destructive things. obviously a good change. I don't know what we're going to do with all of our free time but it won't even matter. I'm starting a list of things I would like to do so I'll know what they are when the time comes. lots of picnics and day trips to take pictures hopefully. and maybe we'll try to get away for a weekend while they're gone. that sounds nice.

in other news, I have cramps today. stupid cramps :(

we went to a little cookout last night at my sister's house. Brian made most of the food and it was delicious. we had steak and chicken and hotdogs and pasta salad and baked beans. for dessert we had pound cake topped with grilled pineapple and chocolate sauce. Brian made everything but the pasta salad and beans. after dinner, we sat outside in the backyard and drank beers with everyone. we were there for hours, just talking and laughing and enjoying the night. it was great.

right after we got there, my brother-in-law left to drop off my niece and a boy who may have been her boyfriend at the movies. they were so cute together! she's 15 and I think this is her first real boyfriend. I used to watch her every day when she was a baby so I really feel close to her and sometimes it's hard to think of her growing up. my sister says that the boy is really nice and a little shy, which is exactly the kind of boy she should be "dating", which was quite a relief.

she has always had trouble with self-esteem, partly because of a speech problem she had when she was younger, partly because she has worn glasses since she was a baby (and hated them) and partly because she had a learning problem in elementary school. any one of those things would be a lot to overcome for a young girl but she had to deal with all three. over the last few years though, she's shown a lot improvement. she seems to be feeling much better about herself and now she's just a typical teenage girl. which means that sometimes she's a sweet and funny girl and sometimes she is overly sensitive and moody. but all-in-all, she's a great kid.

anyway, they came back from the movie shortly before we left and she walked her boyfriend to the end of her street to say goodbye. as she walked back up the driveway towards us, she was smiling the biggest smile ever and I just knew that he had kissed her. from the look on her face, all lit up and dreamy-eyed, I would guess that it was her first real kiss. she looked so happy, it was such a beautiful thing to see. I felt so proud of her and so happy for her and so thankful to see that look on her face. I hope she remembers that night forever. I know I will.

isn't it pretty?

the amazing Ginger at Baby Jane Blog Design has taken the time to give me a beautiful new design for my boring blog. I think my original request was something along these lines:

could you use this picture and maybe put flowers and/or hearts on the page? something girly and cheerful.

she took that and turned it into the design you're looking at now. I can't tell you how much I love it and how great it was to work with her. she is professional and friendly, she is so easy to work with and has great ideas. it took less than three days from my first email until the design was completed and installed. and on top of all of that, her prices are incredibly reasonable. if you're thinking of changing your blog, I definitely recommend her services.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, GINGER!!!

symbol

I knew exactly what I was going to shoot today for the Photo Friday challenge. but on the way there, I found this, which also fits:



so this week, I guess I'll have two entries:



I hope that's not against the rules.

pet peeves

Brian and I went to the Stereophonics show last night at Little Brother's and I didn't get to sleep until after midnight. since I have to get up at 6am to get kids ready for school, I'm a little tired and a lot cranky today. so please excuse the bitchiness to follow and we'll all chalk it up to lack of sleep.

• people that they are qualified to take pictures for other people just because they own a camera. Brian has a similar complaint about people think they are qualified to design stuff because they have a slight knowledge of a computer design program. like this guy we know who is in a band and makes all their flyers and tshirts and cd covers, etc. they suck. seriously, they're just terrible. and I know a person who is going to take pictures for a different band and do their "promotion and t-shirt sales" when she doesn't know the first thing about anything and can't even use Microsoft Word properly. ugly logos or artwork and unremarkable photographs used in publications offend me. greatly.
• people with questionable taste in everything who recommend stuff to other people. like I give a shit about your crappy opinion.
• misspelling and poor grammar. no explanation necessary. also improper use of the apostrophe, for some reason.
• people who don't try to control the volume of their voices and can be heard all over the building at any time of day. and you know they can keep it down because you have overheard them trying to be quiet.
• phonies. hey, I don't care if you like me or not. but don't pretend that you're my friend to my face and then trash me when I'm gone. I hate that.
• people who believe their own bullshit. for real. lie all you want, as long as it's not to my children. but it's pathetic when you're the only one who falls for it.

okay, I need to be done with this because I'm just being waaaay too bitchy. don't forget...we're blaming it on lack of sleep!

twenty-somethings

I'm finding that I have very little in common with the young twenty-somethings I know. which is probably long overdue, considering that I am 36 years old. it's not a bad thing necessarily, we're just at different stages in our lives. we have different concerns and opinions and problems. it's weird...for the first time in forever I actually feel like I have more in common with people my own age.

I've always hung out with people younger than me, I don't know why. possibly it was because I felt like they were harmless, more like kids than adults. possibly it was because all the people my age seemed old and boring. possibly it was an attempt to avoid being a grown-up (X always used to say that people would say I looked younger than my age because I acted so immature, which was probably true). they were fun, they never slept, they had crazy ideas and weren't afraid to share them. but lately, I'm drawn to people who are more settled, people who know who they are and what's really important. and it's funny to think that I might be one of those people now.

I'm slowing down and enjoying my life in my old age, instead of always being on the run and letting the years pass by so quickly. things that seemed important when I was in my twenties don't really concern me now. it's okay if I have a different opinion and keep it to myself. it's okay to be who I am and feel how I feel, I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not to fit in.

it's so lovely to just relax and spend time reflecting on life and watch the clouds drift by. I should definitely spend more time doing that.

too many to count

there are so many things that I love about my husband but I'm going to try to make a list of my favorite ones, in no particular order. for no reason other than that I really enjoying thinking about him and what a wonderful person he is.

1. he accepts me as I am and has no desire to change me.
2. he loves my children and understands that he will always come second to them.
3. he doesn't take it personally when I have a hard time believing that he is too good to be true. he knows it's just me and my issues.
4. he would do anything I ask him to do and proves it all the time. whenever I say, "honey, could you do me a favor?" he always answers, "of course."
5. he cooks for me. all the time. almost every night. and he's great at it.
6. he quit smoking before we moved in together. voluntarily of course!
7. he is kind and loving and loyal and tender and sweet.
8. he knows how to make me laugh.
9. he is smart and funny and sarcastic.
10. he has great taste in music.
11. he writes me poetry.
12. he is honest.
13. he cares about doing the right thing.
14. he is amazing in bed.
15. he loves my family! imgaine that.
16. he is an incredible musician and artist.
17. he buys great presents. not that I want lots of presents but when he buys me something, it's perfect.
18. he is a great dresser. as a matter of fact, he dresses way better than I do. once Casey told me that I needed to change what I was wearing because he looked so nice and I was bringing him down.
19. he is romantic.
20. he is just the most decent person I have ever met and I consider myself very lucky to even know him, much less be married to him.

I promised myself I would stop at 20 things. but I really could go on forever.

the wedding

my favorite part of our wedding happened right before the ceremony and it was completely unplanned. we didn't have attendants, it was just the two of us and my kids. we ordered corsages for our mommies the week before and forgot to pick them up until about 20 minutes before the wedding (eek!). we were disappointed because everyone was already down at the wedding site and we couldn't think of a way to give them to them before the wedding. then I realized that there were three moms (my mom, Brian's mom and his stepmom) and three kids, and that it would be very sweet if the kids could hand the moms a corsage and give them a hug. luckily our minister was flexible and didn't mind the last minute change. the five of us and the minister walked down to the wedding site together and the children walked down to where the mommies were sitting and gave each of them a corsage. it was very touching.

my second favorite part of the wedding was when Casey was handing me Brian's ring. I handed Hannah my flowers and Casey got his ring out of her purse. as she was handing it to me, she dropped it and it rolled under my shoe! we couldn't find it at first and were all trying not to laugh. luckily not many people noticed because she was already really embarrassed about it. but it is on the videotape!

our ceremony only lasted about 15 minutes, which was exactly what we wanted. everything, except for the dropped ring, went perfectly and I still get teary-eyed thinking about it. we wrote our own vows, which made it even more perfect.

his:
I've been in love with you all my life, I just had to grow up and learn a few things before I found you. And now that we are together, I want to grow and and learn everything new with you.

I give you my heart, my soul, my body, my mind and my love. I will never forsake you, take you for granted or put you aside for any reason. I will be the best husband and stepfather that I can and I promise to never stop trying. I will never lose the respect and admiration I have for you and I will never, ever, leave you alone.

You have given me a family, you have given me hope & reason and today I give you everything. I love you and I always will.

mine:
As we stand here on our wedding day, I realize that we already have so many great memories. I will always remember our first date, the first time you said, "I love you.", the day we moved in together, the day you proposed. And I know I will always remember this day and how much I love you at this moment and how incredibly happy I am to become your wife.

I promise you laughter and companionship, comfort and smiles, understanding and respect, happiness and trust, family and patience, and most importantly, love for the rest of my life. I love you.

Green

my Photo Friday entry:


taken from the car, but not while driving!

ew, seriously.

the world's most phallic piece of sesame chicken in existence. no, I didn't eat it.

last night

so yeah, I watched the Britney and Kevin thing on tv last night. to the embarrassment of the rest of my family. it's the first "reality" show I've watched on purpose, so I should get credit for that. right? I don't know what I thought of it...I don't even know if I'll watch next week. two of my hunches were confirmed though so it wasn't a complete waste of time. 1) she really is pretty skanky and 2) he is as dumb as he seems and proved it by saying that he thinks Eminem is a genius.

my hands were sore while I watching the show and at first I couldn't figure out why. but then I realized that it was from the 45 minutes I had spent on the couch earlier, learning to make farting noises with my hands. apparently it was my night to do dumb stuff that embarrassed other people. but c'mon! I'd never been able to do it before. Casey was equally amused and embarrassed, Brian just kept shaking his head and saying that it was funny, when he was six. Stephen ignored me and Hannah was upstairs so she didn't get to vote. she did almost pee her pants laughing when I explained why my hands hurt later that night. Brian just shook his head and rolled his eyes. poor guy.

for photo friday (better late than never)

Space:



taken out of the car window while driving home. I take waaaay too many pictures while driving (don't tell Brian!).

The ABCs of Who I Wanna Be...

I stole this from this person whose name I don't know. I really hope she doesn't mind! I found her via my lovely stat counter. note to self: go back and visit her again later!

Athletic
Brave
Charitable
Daring
Emotionally stronger
Funny
Good parent
Healthy
Intelligent
Just
Kind
Liked for who I am
Married for a hundred years
Nice
Open-minded
Photographer
Quirky
Role Model
Successful
Thinner
Understanding
Versatile
Wise
X-ray vision haver (not really, but what else is there for "X"?)
Youthful
Zephyr

good weekend/bad weekend

it was nice to get away for a day or two this weekend, but I spent too much time worrying about the children. Casey was with my sister so I knew she was fine but the teenagers were home alone. they're old enough (18 and 16) to stay home by themselves for one night but I don't always trust their judgement. and I definitely don't trust the people (my brother and brother-in-law) who were supposed to check on them to tell me if something was going on that I wouldn't approve of. little things were out of order when we got back Sunday evening and it made me nervous and suspicious. but as I told Brian last night, no one got hurt, nothing was broken and the police didn't show up so I guess there's no reason for me to dwell on it.

we had a nice time while we were gone, except that we had a fight Saturday night. it wasn't a big fight and was over after about thirty minutes. but for us, it was a big deal. because we don't fight. as a matter of fact, this one was only the second one that I can remember. in almost three years, that's pretty amazing.

we don't go out of our way not to fight, but honestly, he never makes me angry. well, rarely anyway. yes, there are times when I get annoyed and a lot of the time, it's just me being hormonal. and there are lots more times when I'm annoying too, I'm sure. we just don't let the little things bother us.

our fight Saturday was probably a little thing that was blown out of proportion because I was getting tired and wanted to go back to the hotel. he's a lot more sociable than I am plus it was his nephew's party so he wanted to stay. but we had already been there for more than eight hours and more people were showing up that I didn't know, which I don't deal with well. and I was super tired.

I told him that he could stay and just call me later if he needed a ride home but he didn't believe me. he made the mistake of saying that he had already gone through that too many times with his ex-wife and it just annoyed the hell out of me. because he's done that before...you know...implied that I was just saying that I wouldn't get angry if he went out without me but not meaning it. his ex used to do that all the time I guess, and then hold it against him if he actually went.

I was more understanding when he was nervous at first. but I've also proved that I mean what I say by not being upset if he goes out without me. quite a few times. so it hurt me that he thought I would actually do that. we said our goodbyes and drove back to the hotel in silence. we got to the room and just sat on separate beds for a few minutes to calm down before working it out. told him that I was tired of being compared to his ex when I didn't deserve it. he admitted that I haven't ever lied to him and that I don't play games. and that was pretty much the end of the argument.

everything was fine, it really wasn't anything to fight about. we talked about it for a little while and then let it go. it was almost over as soon as it began. we ordered some pizza, watched Futurama and went to sleep. the weekend was lovely, but tiring. it was good to get away but it was nice to have things back to normal and I was so happy to get home.

in other news

• my new site counter is stroking my ego quite nicely. I know only about half of those clicks are mine. just kidding...they're all mine!!!

• did I mention we will be out of town this weekend? I know, I already wrote about that. I'm just so excited about it!

• the children are almost definitely going to visit X next month. all three of them. for at least two weeks. don't come over while they're gone. I'm just saying.

• sorry everyone. I can't write real posts at home. no privacy here, unlike at work where I usually write personal stuff from. I don't know.
  

• Brian's nephew is graduating from college this weekend, so yay! unfortunately he joined the National Guard to help pay for it so he might be going to Iraq in a few months. I'm so scared for him. so, not yay.

• Casey had a band concert tonight. this is her first year. it was really nice, they did a great job. apparently it's a tradition for the sixth grade band to play "Hang On, Sloopy" at the end of their concert. I hate that song. it did get them a standing ovation though. weirdo Ohioans.
  

NEWS FLASH: I have nothing to write about today.

• reading everyone's lovely posts about their mothers makes me a little jealous.
• I heart my Britney Spears CD. and Britney.
• I am overwhelmed with work this week but can't seem to stay away from blogger.
• no matter how much other people thought and said that they deserved it, I was never able to hit one of my children.
• I always forget how much the receptionist likes to talk. duh. asking her a polite question in passing turns into a five minute conversation.
• Brian and I will be out of town this weekend. without the children. in a hotel room. yay!!!
• I want to go dancing.
• I'm not brave enough to post all my deep, dark secrets here but I think I'm getting closer. consider yourself warned.
• green tea w/mint=yummy

Ms. Cheats-on-my-husband (it's my Native American name!)

okay, I know I admitted to cheating on my ex-husband the other day. it's not something I'm proud of. but you don't know the whole story yet. so don't judge me. not that I think anyone here would do that. but I do. and my lovely teenage daughter does, which she proved by throwing it in my face this morning (see subject). I shouldn't let it bother me, she doesn't know what she's talking about. she was just trying to hurt me and it worked.

anyway, when I met ex-husband #2 (Ian and I call him X) I was living in Colorado without the rest of my family, separated from my first husband and waiting tables to support my two young children. I made enough money to pay our bills but not a whole lot more. I had a roommate, he was a big loser. we had dated for a very short while before I realized what an idiot he was. but we were still sharing an apartment because I needed help with the rent.

X was the friend of the husband of a girl I waited tables with. she had a big crush on him but was trying to fix him up with one of us. I didn't really have much of a social life at the time, so when she invited me over to her house, I agreed to go. the first time I met him, he was sitting on a couch watching television. I noticed that he didn't get up to say hello, he just kinda' sat there. he later told me that the first thing he did when we met was to make sure that I had a decent rack. for real.

we met again at his friend's house to play cards. I am not a card player really. I don't know any real games and I am not competitive at all. I don't care if I win or lose, so it's probably not fun to play cards with me. they were all trying to teach me some complicated game that involved four decks of cards. luckily I'm a quick learner so I did alright. the night went well enough, nothing exciting but better than staying home alone. the next weekend was Valentine's Day so we made plans for the four of us to go out.

on Valentine's Day, one of the dinner waitresses called off, which would have left a friend of mine to work the dinner shift alone. so I volunteered to work a double shift to help her out. plus the tips are usually pretty good on Valentine's Day so I knew I would make some good money. I called X to cancel our plans but instead we decided to go out alone after my shift.

I left as early as possible and went home to change. my roommate was there, acting like an ass so as soon as X showed up, we left. it was pretty late already so there wasn't much we could do. we went to dinner and then to a little bar for a drink. the night wasn't really that memorable, but we got along well enough. we made plans to do something the next day. he took me home, gave me a kiss at the door and left.

he called me the next morning and I really wanted to spend the day with the kids so we decided to see if they wanted to go with us to the Denver Zoo. they had spent the night with their grandma (not my mom) so we drove over there to pick them up. Stephen didn't want to go, he had made other plans, so we just took Hannah (who was four at the time). it was a beautiful day, perfect for going to the zoo. and afterwards we took her to a playground and then we all had dinner at Casa Bonita. we had a nice time and he seemed like a nice guy.

we saw each other a lot over the next month, even though he lived about 45 minutes away. I met some more of his friends and his brothers that lived nearby. he had a good job and made a ton of money, which was the exact opposite of my first husband. we dated for about a month before we decided to move in together. he rented a small apartment for the four of us and we all moved in.

at first things were really good. we got along well and the kids were happy, which was the most important thing to me. I wouldn't say that we ever had a lot in common but my expectations weren't all that high anyway. the only thing I ever asked of him was for him to be nice to me. he pulled that off for a month or two before things started to change.

four months later, two things happened within the same week: my beloved grandfather died and I found out I was pregnant. the first one was completely unexpected and left me devastated. he was the only father I had growing up and was such an important person to me. even now, almost 12 years later, I'm on the verge of tears just writing about him. finding out that I was pregnant was bittersweet, because I knew that my grandfather would never meet my new child. if she would have been a boy, I would have named her after him. well, kind of. his name was Guillermo, we would have Americanized it to William. I don't think he would have minded though.

my mother and stepdad came to Colorado for the funeral and I found out that two of my stepsisters were also pregnant. I missed them so much, especially after my grandpa died. so X and I talked, and decided to move to Ohio. we packed up most of our things and the kids and I drove back with my stepdad. my mother stayed behind to help her mother with those things that always need to be taken care of after a funeral. X stayed behind to finish up some work stuff and collect his final paycheck. the trip back was eventful to say the least but we survived.

it was August in Ohio, which is not always pleasant. it was terribly hot and terribly humid and I was pregnant and had a ton of stuff to do: find an apartment, get utilities (and phone and cable) turned on, register Stephen for kindergarten, unpack, find a doctor for the kids and myself. it was a lot but it kept me busy. meanwhile, X was taking care of things in Colorado and trying to move the rest of our stuff out. he followed us out to Ohio after about three weeks.

things seemed different after the move. he was really short-tempered with me and seemed to have less patience with the kids. it was a subtle change at first but since I was pregnant, any little slight turned into something bigger. we didn't get along as well as we had before, but I convinced myself that it was because of the move.

X wasn't working then, but he had a bit of money saved so he could take his time and find a job that he would enjoy more than the one he had. Stephen started school, Hannah was still at home and the pregnancy was going along fine after our little scare at the beginning. a new niece was born in September, and a month later I had a new nephew too. it was so great to be around the babies, especially since I was going to have one in a few months. stepsister #2 and I were getting closer again. life was pretty good, which was very unusual. I don't always know how to handle normalcy. probably because it never lasted long enough to get used to it.

Casey was born in April, we got married that following June. mostly for the wrong reasons, like insurance and taxes. we definitely weren't getting along any better than we had been a few months ago. I started to realize that we had different ideas about almost everything, most especially money. he hated to let go of one penny, even for something that we needed. he thought we should just work and save our money, no unnecessary spending at all. no trips to McDonalds or to the movies, no new toys for the kids, new clothes from garage sales, etc. he thought we should spend our free time doing things that would earn more money, seriously he was obsessed with it.

I, on the other hand, thought it was fine to save some money but not at the expense of living life and having fun. we probably would have been okay if we could have found some middle ground but we never did. plus, his impatience and short temper were getting worse by the day. he would fly off the handle for no reason sometimes and overreact to the slightest things. I could never tell what would set him off, which was really bad for me because I reverted to my old habit of trying to be invisible when he was around. it was so much easier to stay out of his way than to try to figure out what the problem actually was.

he started a new job and really seemed to like it. he wasn't making a lot of money at first so he compensated by working a lot of hours. after a while he worked his way up and was making damn good money but he still kept his schedule the same. there were times when he would work 80+ hours a week and I'm sure he put in more hours than anyone else that worked with him. working so many hours made him more cranky and impatient with us, to the point where it was better if we weren't home when he was there. I started to get angry at the way he was treating me and the kids and we started arguing about that and money more and more every day.

I think he did realize that he wasn't being a very good father and made an effort to spend more time with the kids. he was more patient and understanding with them, and they started to go out and do things together when he wasn't working. but things never, ever improved between us. I was unhappy with the hours he worked and the way he treated people and the way he treated me. it was terrible, I was depressed most of the time and the slightest thing would almost push me over the edge. I was suicidal and destructive and miserable whenever I was around him. I didn't like who I had become with him, I was angry and bitchy and hateful and sometimes just mean. every time we were together we would argue. and while he really seemed to enjoy it, it made me want to kill myself. even though we were married for more than ten years, I knew after about three that it was never going to work. unfortunately.

our problems just escalated from there. we fought all the time over everything. I can't imagine how awful it must have been to be around us. it got so bad that I tried to avoid talking to him unless it involved the children. there were times when I didn't speak to him for days. when we did talk, it almost always turned into an argument. it wasn't all his fault, I didn't have to participate but I did. he seemed to know exactly what to say to get under my skin and I really do believe he did it on purpose. no one could make me as angry as he did. in fact, he pushed me so far one day that I slapped him across the face, the first and only time I have ever hit another person.

I hated the person I was when he was around. I felt completely out of control. things had gone beyond the point of ever being right. I don't know why it took me so long to get out of that situation. possibly it was because I couldn't see another solution, besides being on my own, which I didn't feel strong enough to handle, financially or emotionally. so I started seeing other men (Brian was not the first) whenever the opportunity came up. not to punish X for anything, but because it made me feel good to be with someone who was nice to me for a change.

it wasn't the same though, as having a healthy relationship. I wasn't any happier than I had been but I didn't really feel any guilt about it either. I don't think that X ever knew about any of those other men. I didn't ever lie or try to hide it but I'm pretty sure he had no idea, mostly because he wasn't paying attention.

during the last two or three years we grew even further apart, to the point of sleeping in separate beds. I had my money and paid my bills, he had his. the only time we did anything together was if it involved the children and he wasn't working. we didn't speak unless it was necessary or unless it was idle conversation. I was living my own life and he was free to do whatever he wanted, which meant that he was at work whenever possible.

I know that he knew something was going on when I started seeing Brian. everyone who knew me could see that I was ridiculously happy, even X. and as soon as Brian and I admitted to each other that we wanted to move forward with our relationship, I told X everything. we calmly discussed what the next steps needed to be, split our shared bills and our belongings and went our separate ways. it was all completely civilized and probably the first time in about 9 years that we had been decent to each other.

it's disgraceful that things were so out of control. I'm embarassed to say that I didn't do anything about it because it was just easier to avoid the situation than it was to fix it or end it. I'm grateful that everything worked out though. and I'm grateful for the wonderful life I have. I probably don't deserve it but I'm not letting that stop me!

action

my Photo Friday entry. it's a picture of our godson hunting for Easter Eggs. I love how he's mid-step in this picture. plus he's just so damn adorable.

how I met my darling husband

anyone who has been here longer than five minutes knows that I love my husband more than I could ever say here or in real life. he is the most incredible person I have ever met. he is loving and generous and sweet and kind and handsome and funny and smart. he is an amazing artist and musician and has a beautiful singing voice. he is honest and honorable and decent and good. he loves my children and my family and his family and our friends and our dog and most of all, me. I know without a doubt that he would do anything I asked him to do. everyone who has met him loves him, he's just that kind of person.

we met at my sister's 21st birthday party in 2001. she was dating his nephew at the time. I was still married but my then-husband was not at the party. we had been on the verge of divorce for years and years. I tried to avoid spending time with him whenever possible...but enough about that. Brian and I were actually sitting next to each other the whole night but didn't really talk that much. I noticed that he smiled a lot that night and that he bought her a great book about poetry. giving a girl a nice gift always makes a good first impression!

we didn't see each other again until July 2002, at a party for his nephew, who was just back from basic training. my sister and Brian's sister threw a big party to welcome our new soldier home and both of our families were there. I spent most of the party inside, watching the sports channel in the air conditioning (fuck being outside in Ohio in July) and Brian hung out in there for a while with me and my brother-in-law. we talked more than we had the first time but it was just small talk, nothing really important.

the "kids" were having another party after the cookout, where much drinking was planned. being a person who enjoys much drinking, I was invited. since almost everyone else there was in their late teens-early twenties, I asked Brian to go too so I wouldn't have to be the only old person there. being the good guy he is, he agreed to go and agreed to drive me there and back home so I didn't have to drive. I'm pretty sure he was planning to go before I asked him but he didn't really let on.

the older crowd started thinning out and the youngsters were slowly making their way to their cars, heading to the stores to buy the alcohol for the next party. I asked Brian when he was planning to leave and he said, "whenever you're ready." you have to love a man with a flexible schedule. and, dear god, was he cute! I had a huge crush on him already.

my sister and her friends left at the same time we left, they had to make a beer run and were supposed to meet us at their house right afterwards. we stopped for a 12-pack and then drove over to the new party. when we got there, his other nephew and a few of their friends were outside, my sister and the rest of the party hadn't gotten there yet. we parked the car out front and just stayed where we were, listening to music and talking and laughing. I may have opened up one of the beers, I can't remember. I do remember having a few at his sister's house so I was in a great mood by then. the windows were down, the moon was out, it was a beautiful night.

he was so nice and so funny. he mentioned that he was planning to move to Florida in a couple of weeks with a friend of his and that he hadn't really told his family about it. I told him that I hated Florida, I had a bad experience there when Stephen was about three months old. he teased me for forgetting to take my seatbelt off ten minutes after he had parked and turned off the car. I laughed the whole time we were together. he said that we were acting like drunk detectives on a stakeout, which cracked me up. I was having a great time, just sitting in that car laughing.

finally everyone else showed up and we carried our beers down to the basement. it was such a nice night out so we all went into the backyard and sat in the grass drinking our beers, etc. some of my sister's friends from college were in town for the party so I actually knew a lot of people there. but for the most part, I stayed close to Brian. I had never met anyone like him, we hit if off instantly. it was completely innocent and harmless. we just enjoyed being together. it never occurred to me that maybe he liked me too.

it was probably close to 2am when things started to wind down (read as: my sister was getting bitchy and annoying) so I asked Brian how long he wanted to say and he said, "we can leave whenever you're ready." so off we went. he drove me home, we said goodnight and he waited at the curb while I went inside. except that I was locked out. and I had given my keys and my purse to my then-husband before he went home. the kids were all gone and I didn't have my cell phone and he didn't hear the doorbell or my knocking.

I went back out to the car and told Brian that I would be okay because I could just climb in through the dining room window. obviously I was drunk, because I made him drive off before I got inside. the kids had climbed in that window many times so I knew it could be done. one problem...that window was higher than I had realized and I didn't have anyone to boost me in! it took me about five minutes to get up there and work my way into the house, giggling the whole time. first an inept detective, then an inept burglar. it was a great night. and he was a complete gentleman.

I bumped into him a couple of weeks later at the grocery store. he laughed when I told him how much trouble I had getting into the house and felt bad for letting me talk him into leaving before I got in. we talked about him moving to Florida for a few minutes and then said goodbye. I thought about him for days after that, and remembered how much fun I had that night. it takes a lot for me to be completely comfortable around a person but with Brian, it was so easy.

my sister and his nephew went back to college, found out that they had each cheated on each other over the summer and broke up within their first two weeks back. it was quite ugly, they were both so awful and bitter and vicious and malicious. she left school immediately and moved into my basement with the intention of missing the rest of that quarter and going back after things had settled down. she never went back.

at the time, I was completely miserable in my marriage and hated spending time at home when my then-husband was there. since he was home on Fridays and Saturdays, my sister and I started going out to the local bars on those nights. she was suddenly single and over 21, I was just happy to be away from my nightmare at home.

the problem with two girls going to bars in our town (and possibly every town) is that guys will not leave you alone. and while my sister seemed to enjoy all the attention, I did not. guys in bars are lame, and creepy and don't always understand or care when you tell them to go away.

we started bringing our own boy with us, to keep the other boys away. sometimes it was our brother, sometimes it was just a guy friend. one night we decided it should be Brian. my sister would always say that we should call him to hang out with us but we never did until that night. she would always talk about how much I would like him and how we had the same sense of humor and how much fun he was to hang out with. of course by the time we called him, he had already gone out for the night. apparently we weren't the only girls looking for him that night but he was out of town somewhere. we left a message for him and then forced our brother to go to the bar with us that night.

he called my sister later in the week and told her where he would be the next weekend if we wanted to hang out. we tracked him down at the Eagles in town and after having a couple of $1.50 drinks (hell yeah!) we dragged him to our bar so we could dance. it's a good thing we did because the ladies he was sitting with were trying to pick him up! they were old and weird though so it was for his own good.

we had so much fun that night! talking and laughing and dancing and drinking. he was the perfect boy. a friend of my sister's showed up, an old friend who she hadn't seen in a while. they were busy catching up so Brian and I were kind of on our own. I didn't mind though and neither did he. we were completely at ease in each other's company.

I never considered myself much of a flirt, even though all my sisters told me I was a big one. but apparently I was flirting with Brian quite a bit that night, according to him. at first we were sitting across the table from each other, then I moved over to his side so we could hear each other over the music. a little while later, I innocently (I swear!) gave him my cell phone number. at some point, he put his arm around my shoulder. and after half an hour or so, asked me if it was okay for it to be there. how cute is that?

at the end of the night, he offered to drive us home. I think my car was still at the Eagles, which meant we would've had to walk back to get it and then drive home. we took him up on his offer. as we were all walking slowly to his car, he put his arm around me and kept pulling me close to him.

my sister's friend was with us and two weird/funny guys were there too, trying to get the girls to go home with them. the six of us were just standing in the parking lot, talking and laughing. Brian didn't let go of me then, even in front of my sister! she didn't seem to mind and I think she was pretending not to notice. eventually we got into the car. I sat in the passenger seat, she was in the back and he drove us home. when we got to my house, he drove past it a little bit and parked in front of my neighbor's house. I thought he just forgot which house was mine.

my sister said bye and thanks and ran inside to use the bathroom. I turned to him to say goodnight and he kissed me. a small, sweet, tender kiss on the lips. all thoughts of getting out of the car left my mind. I just sat there and looked into his eyes and we both smiled. it took a second or two for reality to return. I said goodnight and went inside.

overcoming childhood

Raehan's post titled "Simply Heroic" was about two fellow bloggers who didn't necessarily have the greatest role models when it came to parenting. at the end of her post, she posed the following question: Is there anything from your childhood that you have had to struggle to overcome? wow. what a question for a Monday morning. I left a short-ish comment but decided that my response required an entire post.

my interpretation of her question was that it related to things I had to overcome as a parent. that might not have been exactly what she meant but that's the question I'm answering. Raehan, I hope you don't mind.

now that I think about it, growing up with a mother like mine was great preparation for being a parent. she played the role of child, and I played mommy to her and my two brothers. I guess that's why I never questioned whether or not I would have children of my own, in spite of all my issues. it was something I always wanted and I could not wait to get started. I had my son when I was almost 19, so obviously I didn't wait long.

I actually enjoyed taking care of everyone when I was little, I still love it. I loved being in charge and being the one who remembered what we were supposed to be doing and when. I would watch my brothers when mom was at work, we never had a babysitter during the day. I would make sure they were fed and clean, make sure they took their naps and got to play outside when it was nice enough. I changed diapers and filled bottles and pushed strollers. I had a lot of responsibilities for someone my age, I wasn't even six yet and my brothers were one and two. it's crazy to think about it now, but we all survived it somehow.

things were actually going well until we moved in with my grandparents. it was probably just a matter of time until our luck ran out anyway. life for the boys improved I'm sure, they had animals to play with and 40 acres to run around on. my life, on the other hand, was turned completely upside down. I was actually expected to let someone else be in charge. someone else made our meals and told us when to go outside. someone else would tell mom how we spent our day. I wasn't special anymore, I was just a kid.

anyone who says that being a kid is the best time of your life did not grow up with my grandmother. her sole purpose in life seemed to be to make me miserable. she loved to tell me how worthless and lazy I was and what a drunken loser my dad was (he left right after my youngest brother was born) and how I should be kissing her feet for raising me. she delighted in taking away people or things that made me happy. she loved to keep me either locked inside the house doing chores or locked outside unsupervised for hours on end.

she loved the boys, though. my youngest brother was her obvious favorite. he could do no wrong in her eyes. even now, if he calls her a fat bitch, she laughs. one day I jokingly said she was crazy and got slapped across the face. my mother tried to make sure my other brother wasn't left out so he was her favorite. I was no one's favorite, which really hurt at the time. I felt unloved, unimportant and invisible. I realize now that it taught me self-reliance.

I never did figure out what my grandmother's deal was, but I never really tried. I was just thankful to be out of her clutches once I did get away. she would still get close enough for a quick jab every once in a while though. and I could still see that malicious gleam in her eye when she knew that she could still hurt me. she has gotten better over the years, to the point where I don't mind her being around my children. it's too late for me though, I'll never be comfortable being anywhere near her. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive her for all the things that happened to me as a kid. hell, it's already been more than 20 years. if forgiveness isn't in me now, it's just not coming. I don't even try anymore.

the lessons I did learn from my upbringing are ones that I learned the hard way. I tried to remember them when I became a parent. the most important one is that kids are supposed to be kids, with kid responsibilities and kid worries and kid thoughts and kid fun. that it is my job as a parent to be their protector, their teacher, their home and their heart. I learned how important it is to love them equally, even if one of them isn't being as loveable as the rest. I respect their opinions and individuality. I would give my life for them if it was ever necessary.

I know I haven't been the perfect mother. there are lots of things I would do differently if I could. but in spite of my mistakes, I have three pretty great kids. and I wouldn't trade the experience of being their mom for anything in the world.

random stuff

my wonderful husband just came into the living room for no other reason than to kiss me and tell me that he loves me. I can't believe how lucky I am to be married to him.



we watched "Final Cut" last night. it was really good. best line:

Robin Williams' character to Jim Caviezel's character: Don't tell me you're worried about my soul now.

me to Brian: Well, he is Jesus.



I posted this to my LJ but it amuses me so much, I'm posting it here too:

wouldn't it be great if the Mammogram Mobile was shaped more appropriately?




you know...like the Weiner Mobile!






I had lunch at the Taj Palace Friday after work. by myself. it was nice but strange. because I don't usually eat out alone. I did enjoy the food, and surprisingly it wasn't terrible to eat a meal by myself. I might do that more often.