my lunch disgusts me almost as much as I disgust myself today.

yay!!!

my statcounter finally hit 10,000! I really am so excited, but I don't know why. I put that thing up in May and have been obsessed with it ever since. I love seeing the numbers go up, I love knowing that people are reading my stupid posts. and I am so thankful to everyone who has spent any of their time here when they could have been looking at porn. you guys are the best :)

Happy New Year!!!

last night was so much fun! too much fun judging by the way I feel today :) it started out rocky, because my brother was there, upset because his "girlfriend" was messing with his head and his heart. it killed me to see my carefree, happy brother crying over some stupid bitch who isn't worth crying over. he came to the bar with us but left after about an hour. I hated seeing him like that. and it was really hard to enjoy myself knowing that he was home alone, upset. but I knew that I was ruining everyone else's good time by sitting at our table crying so I tried to get over it. and after a few drinks, I did manage to forget for the night.

we went with a bunch of friends and family to see my brother-in-law's band play at a local bar. it's always so much fun going to their shows. and this was especially fun because it was within walking distance from my sister's house, where we all stayed last night. it was great not to have to worry about driving home. and we had been looking forward to this night for weeks.

the band sounded great, all our favorite people were there. I took literally 100 pictures. some of them were really good, some of them were really funny and some were terrible. I love my digital camera. there was champagne and food at midnight and everyone had such a good time. we got "home" at about 2:30 and Brian and I immediately went to sleep.

the next morning, Brian made breakfast for those who could stand to eat and then we all sat around in my sister's living room for three hours, looking at everyone's digital pictures and telling stories that some of us had forgotten. it was the perfect way to spend the morning after such a crazy night. we came home at about 1:00 and we've been relaxing and recovering all day. I am so glad we both have tomorrow off from work. otherwise, I'd be in bed already.

tomorrow afternoon/night we're going back to my sister's to watch the Fiesta Bowl (Go BUCKS!). I highly doubt that any of us will feel like having a beer. I know I won't! but it's still going to be fun watching the game with them. she and her husband are my favorite people in the whole world to hang out with, other than Brian and the kids. plus there's already a big pot of chili waiting for us. can't wait!

resolutions - a few days early

dude, resolutions suck. but as one of my favorite bloggers, karlababble, said earlier this week, it's a tradition. you should definitely check out her resolutions, because they are so good you'll want to steal them for yourself.

so, yeah...resolutions. shit, I don't know. I have so much room for improvement, it's hard to narrow it down to a list that's not overwhelming! I'll shoot for the top five:

1. eat healthier. or at the very least, stop eating so much crap. it should be easy enough. a few years ago, I completely changed my diet, started working out and lost about 50 pounds. then I met my wonderful future husband and stopped going to the gym, he took me out to dinner all the time and I gained it back. good times. which leads to my next resolution

2. be more active. I don't mean working out five or six times a week but it would be almost impossible to be less active so this one is kinda' cheating. although I guess I do have the option of keep my activity level exactly the same. I need to take walks, play tennis, do yoga. you get the idea.

3. take more pictures. this will be a big step towards professional photography, which is my ultimate career goal. and I haven't really made any strides in that direction in quite a while. it's pathetic really, I just need to get out and do it. no excuses.

4. find a job that doesn't make me die. or at least get more money for what I'm doing here. there are a lot of things that I do that no one else knows how to do and I have no backup for any of my responsibilities. some of my reports are read by the boss of my boss. and her boss and his boss. so yeah, it's a big deal. but I'm not really comfortable saying, "you guys would be so screwed if I left. I need more money." I need to be that kind of person. or I need to do something else. because my work is not valued here. screw that.

5. be more patient. with everyone. my kids, my husband, my mother, my sister, my co-workers, the outside world in general. I would have a lot more peace in my life if I could just let things go and not take them personally. and peace = good, I need peace.

so, that's done. of course I could go on for days but I think I'll stop at five. I really should try to spend more time and care on my appearance. and I should blog better. and do more house cleaning. and, wait, enough already. jeez, I'm not trying to be perfect.

love it!

I finally got tired of the clump of gray on my side part and dyed my hair this color:



ps - yes, my skin is really that white ;) and I put up a different picture on my photoblog.

x-mas

our weekend was lovely, as most of them are, aside from my mini-meltdown Friday night. I'll have to post some x-mas pictures this week. x-mas eve was so much fun, almost my whole family was there. we joked, laughed, ate, drank, talked and opened presents. it was completely exhausting though. by 8:30 I was ready for bed, but mean Brian wouldn't let me go to sleep that early. luckily the kiddos were tired too so we filled stockings at about 9:30 and I was asleep by 10:00.

our new x-mas morning tradition (since we moved in with Brian) is to wake up early and open presents and then drive over to Brian's brother's house for a yummy breakfast and gift exchange. his brother works third shift so we have to be over there before 9:00, which means we have to get up at about 7:00 to open our presents first. bleh. I hate getting up early, especially when I have the day off. but it's worth it because we always have a good time with his family and they're always so generous with the kids, which is the most important thing anyway.

Brian made a delicious x-mas dinner and his mommy came over with more wonderful presents. I really got some great gifts this year, including Simpsons' Clue, which is freakin' hilarious. Mr. Smithers as Mrs. White is my favorite, even though Hannah picked him/her every time we played.

everyone liked all their presents. Casey got a bunch of gift cards and money to spend on books at Borders and Barnes and Noble so she was really happy about that. and Brian made her a beautiful bookcase because she had already filled up her old one. Hannah and Stephen got lots of new clothes and some money too so they are happy teenagers.

I got exactly what I wanted this year. we are all together and everyone is healthy and happy. I know that's sappy and cliché but that's how I am sometimes. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday (or weekend if holidays aren't your thing). I'm looking forward to reading all about it as soon as you get back to your normal blogging schedules!

ps - am I the only one working today?

x-mas eve eve meltdown

yesterday was Brian's work x-mas party. they always have it at the "office" which he thinks is terrible. but the bosses bring in food and drinks and people can bring alcohol, which is pretty cool. they just hang out and listen to music and talk and eat. it sounds fun to me!

I agreed to pick him up afterwards, because his car is still broken. he called at about 5:00 and said that the party was moving to his boss' house so they could play pool. he gave me directions to get there since I had no idea where it was. I've been there twice, I think, but never paid attention to how to get there.

it was already dark by the time I left home. and I'm nervous driving by myself at night, plus the lights from other cars hurt my eyes. I had a vague idea of where I was going but still felt a little lost. their house is out in the country so the streets weren't lit up at all. I tried to follow his directions but just couldn't find the street.

I drove around for about half an hour, getting more and more upset that I couldn't get there. I didn't know the phone number and the battery on Brian's cell phone was dead so I couldn't call him. it was awful. he finally called me to see where I was and I just started crying. he tried to comfort me and even apologized for not giving me good directions but that just made me feel worse. he told me to just go back home, that he could have someone bring him home later.

I felt so worthless, like a huge pain in the ass and a complete burden. I couldn't even do this one simple thing, couldn't follow simple directions. I made him worry and then feel bad for something that wasn't even his fault. it was terrible.

then to top it off, I forgot to go to his parents' house to feed their cats last night until after he got home. and we had to go over there at 10:00 last night to do it. because I was too afraid to go over there (or anywhere) by myself in the dark.

I am so lucky and thankful to have such a wonderful husband who takes care of me and understands me and loves me. but sometimes I can't help feeling like he's going to get tired of all of my bullshit one day. he says that will never happen and that he doesn't ever consider me a burden. but it's still something I worry about from time to time.

so busy :|

this week was supposed to be nice and calm and ordinary. just a normal week until Saturday. but one of Brian's teeth broke over the weekend, so I had to schedule an appointment for him with the dentist on Tuesday. the dentist couldn't pull the tooth so we had to schedule an appointment with the oral surgeon on Wednesday. he also had an appointment Wednesday morning with the neurologist about his head twitching thing, but I rescheduled that one.

his car isn't working right now (the alarm is flipping out and not letting the car start) so I had to leave work at 11:30 to take him in to have the tooth removed. when we were about ten minutes away from the office, he realized that he forgot the x-ray that our dentist had done yesterday. and of course, the oral surgeon would need that x-ray and of course, we were about 30 minutes away from home.

luckily, our dentist was close by. unluckily, they were out to lunch until 1:00. I called them at 1:00 and they made a copy of the x-ray. I drove to their office after leaving Brian at the oral surgeon's to fill out paperwork and drove back with his x-ray. by this time it was about 1:45. I was starving and have trouble with low blood sugar so I had to leave after they took him back. I somehow managed to find the world's slowest McDonald's and by the time I got back to the dentist place, it was about 2:30 and he had just finished. poor guy, he looked really miserable and tired and sore.

we drove home and I had to keep him awake the whole time because his gums were bleeding. I know he was just exhausted, and in terrible pain. it must have been very frustrating not to be able to just lie down and sleep. he ended up not going to sleep until about 10:00 but by then he was feeling a lot better. still a little sore, of course. but much better.

I'm so happy he's doing better. he was still sore this morning but he did sleep through the night for the first time since Saturday. he went back to work this morning, which was also nice. missing two days without any vacation or sick time left is going to hurt next week. but it wasn't avoidable so there's no point in complaining about it. I'm just thankful that it happened after the x-mas stuff was done.

in other news, the head twitching thing may be something called Essential Tremor. his dad has it and it's hereditary. he's had the hand-shaking thing since high school. it seems to fit so we hope that's all it is. his rescheduled appointment with the neurologist is next month, so wish us luck!

new template

well, the new template is up. of course I still have a lot more work to do on it. but when I was putting it up last night, the laptop froze and I had to start over so this one just has the basics. I think I like it. it's hard to tell from work because I can't see any of the graphics.

so anyway, let me know what you think. or not.

random crap

1. I am done x-mas shopping!!! it's so exciting! last year we actually had to go out on x-mas eve day to buy things for the kids. Ohio was in the middle of a terrible snow/ice storm that was so bad, my work closed for three days. and yeah, we were driving around in it, like idiots. not this year though!
2. our nephew is doing very well. he came home Friday afternoon and is just adorable and tiny and sweet. I need to take some more pictures of him for scrapbooking.
3. I cut my hair yesterday. it's about three inches shorter than it was. since I couldn't reach the very back in the center, Casey had to cut that part for me. she was a little nervous but it looks just fine.
4. hopefully tonight, I will be changing my blogger template. I have two lovely graphics picked out for the header. I just hope I don't screw it up too badly. I make no guarantees!
5. we are having my family over for x-mas Saturday night. there will be about 25 people in our house. it's going to be loud and crowded but there will be a ton of great food and plenty to drink and I can't wait! Brian and I have not ever hosted x-mas eve together. so that will be nice too :)

baby

our new nephew/godson was born at 2:45 this afternoon! his lungs were fully developed but for some reason, he had trouble breathing so he had to be put under an oxygen hood for a couple of hours. his blood sugar was a little low so he has a tiny little IV in his right arm. but he is doing well now and he's just beautiful. don't you agree?

work rant

I challenge anyone here who thinks my job is so fucking easy to handle everything I do for one month. no one else in this whole company could do what I do as well as I do it or as efficiently. you think "someone" dropped the ball? why don't you pick it up for a change? you don't feel comfortable doing your job and need me to do your dirty work? big surprise.

by the way, I notice you feel perfectly fine cashing your paycheck, which is most likely bigger than mine.

confession:

I think I'm becoming a chronic re-gifter. I know it's not nice but in my defense, I only re-gift things I got from gift exchanges or from someone who felt obligated to buy me something. you know, those "I-bought-something-for-everyone-here-and-this-is-for-you" types. and it's not that I'm not grateful or appreciative. it's just usually stuff that I don't need that someone else may enjoy more. so yeah, it's awful, I know. but I'm still doing it. after all, it's the thought that counts, right?

x-mas #2

we celebrated Christmas on Saturday with Brian's dad and stepmom. they had a big party at his stepsister's house and it was just lovely, as usual. there was tons of delicious food, and everyone is always so nice and funny and generous. seriously, they spend way too much money on all of us. and from the first time I spent the holiday with them, they have treated me and my kids like family. they really are incredible people, I do love his family.

his grandfather lives in Indiana so he just gives us money to do his shopping for him. we buy presents for the kids and for each other, wrap them up and bring them to the Christmas party so he can watch us open them and see what he got us! it's silly, but fun. and he always makes jokes about how much shopping he had to do. this year, grandpa bought me a foot spa, a xyron machine for scrapbooking and a Harry Potter DVD box set.

I also got a book by my favorite author, the new Fiona Apple CD, more scrapbooking stuff, a new scarf, hat and gloves set and a bunch of other stuff. see what I mean? they're too much.

we all had a great time. and our next Christmas party will be the one at our house with my family. it's going to be so much fun! I love this time of year.

money really doesn't buy happiness

whenever I get stressed out about money, which I am a little now, I think back to the only time in my life when I wasn't stressed out about money and instantly feel better. because the only time I was never worried about money was during my second marriage and I was so miserable and unhappy and suicidal then. no amount of money is worth feeling like that. I am much richer for leaving all of that behind and making a new start with the most incredible man I have ever met.

Crash

we had a department meeting at work yesterday during lunch. the boss provided pizza and we were supposed to watch Crash. you know, because it's all about stereotypes and my work is all about diversity. I'm so sick of that word. diversity. like corporations really give a shit.

anyway, the movie seemed really good but I didn't get to see the whole thing. my boss's boss pulled me out to look something up for her boss and then I left early because my annoying/lingering cough was probably too disruptive. and afterwards, no one really wanted to say much about it, which is cool. it's on our list of movies to rent anyway. right after the Dukes of Hazzard. so I wouldn't want anyone to ruin it for me.

I think it was a bit much for a lot of them. a big fat look at the reality that most of them never see. parts of it were slightly exaggerated, in my opinion. it's been my experience that racist comments are made under one's breath. but in the movie, they were shouted out for everyone to hear. or maybe things are different in bigger cities, I don't know.

I do want to watch the movie, although I probably wouldn't want my kids to see it yet. we all learn about the ugliness in this world eventually. maybe they'll be lucky enough to not see it until they're much older. it's not very likely, but I can hope.

what the hell?! this really isn't funny anymore. we watched about twenty minutes of the "game" last night before Brian had to change the channel. by then, I had already cussed three times and Casey had to get out of bed to ask me to stop yelling at the television.

I'm really not one to get angry at my team when they aren't playing so great, but this is getting ridiculous. at least they lost to Seattle this week. stupid football.

so, yesterday was my one year blogiversary. I've been writing on this thing for a whole year! it doesn't seem like it's been that long though. looking back through my archives, this past year hasn't always been easy. but in spite of all the rough days, I've never been happier. I've written a lot of silly, pointless stuff but I've also written things that I'm really proud of. I've written things that were painful, personal, and ugly and things that I probably shouldn't have written at all.

this blog is so therapeutic, it's been a place where I can say anything. and almost everyone who has been here has been wonderful. I am so thankful to anyone who has spent any amount of time reading anything that I have written. and even more thankful for everyone's comments.

to everyone on my blogroll, I feel like I actually know all of you, like we're all friends. I genuinely care about what is going on in your lives and am always anxious to read updates. it's amazing how connected a person can feel to someone they've never even met, isn't it?

anyway, happy blogiversary to me! and thanks again, Ian, for making me start this thing.

still sick...but at least it's Friday!

I can't breathe through my nose. the
inside of my chest has to be bruised
from all the coughing. my head is so
killing me. I need to soak in a tub of
this stuff all weekend. before I die.
<--------- no really.

our first date

Indigo asked this question on her blog:

Do you remember your first date and where did you go?

I thought I had already posted this here but apparently not. anyway...

the first time Brian and I went out by ourselves, we started the night at his bar. (why are boys so bad at planning an evening out?) we spent most of our time there with this older couple, who eventually turned out to be my sister's aunt and uncle-in-law. they were both really funny. there were a lot of people there that Brian knew, I only knew him but everyone was very, very nice to me. it's such a great place, we always have the best time there because the people are just so damn nice.

at one point Brian got up to go to the restroom and an older guy that he knows was talking to me while he was gone about how his daughter wanted to get her tongue pierced. he was confused about why anyone would want to do that. Brian came back from the bathroom and asked what we were talking about. I tried to subtly kick him on the leg to tell him to drop it. but since we didn't know each other that well, he didn't get the hint and proceeded to tell this guy that a tongue piercing is used for sexual pleasure, not realizing, obviously, that we were talking about the man's 19 year old daughter!

the guy didn't really say much after that. he just kind of wandered off, probably offended by our poorly hidden laughter after I whispered to Brian what he had just done. Brian said that the poor guy was probably too drunk to remember it. I guess he was right because when he sees us, he's still just as sweet as before.

I love to tell that story because Brian is still a little embarassed about the whole thing. I think he learned his lesson though. he knows that if I kick him before he starts talking in the middle of a conversation, he probably shouldn't say what he was just about to say.

we left the bar shortly before midnight and took a walk at the park. we sat in one of the wooden swings and made out for a little while, then he took me to Waffle House. it probably doesn't sound like much but it really was a great night. we talked and laughed a lot and I really felt so comfortable with him right away. before we started seeing each other, he was planning to move to Florida with a friend. that night, on our first date, he told me that he had changed his mind and was staying in Ohio. I get all girly and warm inside just remembering that.

one of my favorite things about x-mas is getting to do some shopping with Brian, even though he hates shopping. I like getting to spend time with him alone. I like walking around the stores holding his hand, looking at things for ourselves that we like but can't afford. he has the best taste (not just in women!) and a real artist's eye for color and lines and design. we usually have a quiet lunch somewhere and sometimes stop for a drink after we're done for the day. it's just nice...there's no other word for it.

no point. sorry.

you know you're sleeping with a musician when you wake up with a small piece of E-string in your t-shirt.

you know you're not a musician yourself if you have to ask a friend, "what is the skinniest guitar string?"

feeling a lot better today. like 200% better than yesterday but that's not really saying much because yesterday I felt like complete crap. still, it's an improvement. right now I'm on cold medicine and need to go to sleep. I know it's only 8:00, I told you I was getting old.

Brian is going to make me a Bee Gees mix CD later. I'm so excited!!!

I'm an idiot...I just posted this to my photo blog. damn medicine's making me stupid.

one more reason why I love him so much

he comforts me when I have nightmares, which doesn't happen as often as it used to, even if I wake him up at 2am and he has to be up at 4:30. he'll put his arm around me as I cry and he'll hold me until I stop. he'll stay close long after he thinks I've gone back to sleep and he always makes sure I'm okay the next morning. there is no doubt in my mind that I am the luckiest woman in the whole world to be married to such an incredible man.

I'm sick. I feel so awful. my head is killing me, my throat feels like it's swollen shut. but I can't stay home because it's the end of the month and I'm way too busy right now. if I take a day off, I will be majorly screwed for the rest of the week. so, my plan is to finish up as much as I can today as quickly as possible so I can go home and rest up for tomorrow. why am I blogging then, if I'm trying to get done and get out of here? because the f'ing system is taking all day to do even the simplest things. this only happens when I'm completely overwhelmed with things to do. :( I wish I had a laptop and could work from home in bed. but I'm not important enough to get a laptop so I'm forced to sit here in my cubicle and be miserable. I'm really trying not to spread germs, but I doubt if it's working.

i see you

thanksgiving was lovely, as I knew it would be. we went to Brian's brother's for "dinner" and everything was great. there was a ton of food, all of it was delicious, and we brought home tons of leftovers. his family is so nice, I really like them all. after dinner, my family met at my sister's house for dessert and coffee. my parents didn't make it, because it was too cold out for them, but we still had fun.

Friday we didn't go shopping, which was very cool. Brian cleaned the whole garage all by himself. it looks so good now! we pretty much stayed home until it was time to pick up Stephen at the airport. I am so happy to have him back. we're just not a whole family without him. I don't know what it is, but he has this effortless way of bringing us all closer together, especially the girls. without him around, they don't really spend any time together unless we're all doing something. but the three of them were doing something pretty much all weekend. video games, cards, board games, DVDs. it's wonderful. I hope things continue to go well, I hope he can live with us and follow our rules. I know he's going to try, which means a lot.

Saturday night, Brian and I went to see my brother-in-law's band playing in Lancaster, which is about an hour away. we rode up with him and my sister and didn't get home until 4:30 am on Sunday. bleh. it was crazy, but we had a great time at the show and met some really funny people. I took some awesome pictures, including this one that I posted to my photo blog for photo friday. it was almost worth the lack of sleep :)

Sunday afternoon I took the kids minus Hannah (she had band practice) to the mall for a little x-mas shopping. it actually wasn't crowded at all. at least no more than it usually is. still, I think we'll try to avoid any more trips there. it's so much easier to shop online. as a matter of fact, I've already spent $120 online just this afternoon. I think maybe it's a little too easy :)

it's official. I'm old.

big surprise, I know. truthfully, I've been old for years but either haven't realized it or haven't wanted to admit it, I'm not sure which. I can remember being able to stay out until 3am and still get up at 8am for work the next day. every weekend. I could drink as much as I wanted and not even feel it the next day. hell, it wasn't even that long ago! now, if I'm not in bed by 10pm I have to struggle to get up on time. so forget going out on a weekday. and a hangover will sometimes last for two days. screw that! it's not even worth it anymore. and if we're going to be out past 1am, I need to take a nap before we go.

see what I mean? old...it's a little pathetic actually. but you'll have that.

so the wedding we went to on Saturday was wonderful. the bride was so beautiful and the ceremony seemed to go smoothly. the reception was amazing and lots of fun. the groom works with Brian and they're fairly good friends outside of work too so it was really nice to be there to see him get married. he's a great guy, a lot of fun and his new wife is a wonderful, smart, sweet person. we're just so happy for them both.

one thing I didn't know before this weekend is that even though they had been together for more than five years and have been living together for most of that time, they were waiting until after they got married to have sex. I knew that they had separate bedrooms but I thought it might just be for their families. apparently not.

I was surprised, not only because he is so pervy and sex-obsessed (in a good natured, harmless way of course), but also because it seems pretty uncommon these days. or maybe it's not all that uncommon, I don't know. but to live together and build a relationship for that long and then bring sex into it seems a little risky in my opinion.

not that I am judging them at all, it's impressive more than anything else. I just know that it wouldn't work for me. I don't think I could make that commitment without knowing whether or not we were physically compatible. I know, there are ways to be intimate without having sex. but it's not the same thing.

I don't really know what the point of this post is supposed to be...seems like I had one when I started it.

our weekend in reverse: Harry Potter was wonderful, such a great movie! I loved it. and I want to see it again already. the wedding was beautiful, everything was so nice and the food was delicious and there was free beer and a chocolate fountain. our godson/nephew's birthday party was fun. there were a ton of people there and he got lots of presents. ours was the best though, we bought him a sit n spin. remember those? he really seemed to love it.

great weekend. and a three day work week coming up! plus the boy is coming home. things didn't work out in Utah, I guess. I'm really excited and happy that he's coming back. thinking about not having him home for the holidays was really making me depressed.

speaking of depressed, Brian's eye/forehead twitch isn't going away. it seems like it's getting worse but that's probably just because I keep watching it. still, I'm calling our doctor tomorrow to see what he thinks. I wish we had at least some idea of what it might be.

enough worrying. peach pie is waiting for me in the kitchen. and Family Guy is going to be on in about ten minutes.

UPDATE: yay, posted a picture. look how cute he is!!!

• our godson is two today! I would show you his most recent picture but blogger and flickr are being bad words and won't let me upload it. maybe later.
• work is kicking my ass this week. I've been so busy it's ridiculous. but I have gotten three free lunches and a Lands End pullover with my work's name on it so far. good lunches too, not fast food or pizza. I'm not sure if that makes up for all the stress or not though. and I have discovered that I cannot stand working with people who don't know how to prioritize. if your boss's boss's boss wants something, that means drop whatever else you're doing and get it to him. it's really not rocket science.
• our doctor wasn't able to find out what is wrong with Brian but at least his blood pressure is pretty normal. if he's not better in a week or so, he's supposed to go see a neurologist. yeah, that doesn't make me any less worried.
• I'm the only one who thinks I'm funny. for example, I recently said to someone that watching a movie with me and my kids is probably like watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 except that we sit in the back and we're not funny. I don't know why that cracks me up. oh, wait. yes I do, it's because I think I'm funny.
• Kim was right. those chocolate covered espresso beans from Target are delicious! I've been thinking about them all afternoon.
• I actually get to leave on time today. first time this week!

I'm really worried about Brian right now. he has had this weird forehead constant twitching thing going on for more than a week. I did convince him to go to the doctor though. when I called yesterday to make an appointment for him, I was transferred back to a nurse after I described his symptoms to the receptionist. the nurse tried to get him to come in at 4:30 that same day, which wasn't doable for us since we're sharing a car right now. when I told her that he couldn't make it then and asked for an appointment the next day, she said that she thought he should go to Convenient Care because she wanted him to be seen right away.

I couldn't get him to go last night. what is it with men and going to the doctor? but I did get him an appointment for this afternoon so hopefully we'll have a better idea of what is going on later today. his dad has a bad heart and probably other health issues that I don't know about. I'm just so afraid that it's going to be something serious.

Hannah is...

MUSICAL


FASHIONABLE


DARING


AND EASY TO STORE AWAY!


SHE ENJOYS SPENDING
TIME WITH HER PEERS


AND SHE LOOKS
GREAT IN A HAT!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HANNAH!!!
LOVE, YOUR MOM

November 14, 1988

today is Hannah's birthday!!! she is 17 now. I can't even believe it.

she is a wonderful kid. so funny and smart and silly and responsible and talented and creative. I just love her so much and am so proud of her. she is the most original person I have ever met and she always stands by her convictions, even if it gets her in trouble :)

I had such an easy time being pregnant with Hannah. and an easy labor and delivery. this time I knew the routine and that made it go a lot smoother. I didn't go to the hospital until the last minute and we were only there about an hour before she was born. she came in the middle of the night and the nurse put her in my arms about ten minutes after she arrived. it was so different from when Stephen was born. I didn't get to hold him until he was a few days old because he was so sick.

I could not get enough of her though. she was so adorable, had a head full of dark hair, long, slender fingers and the tiniest face I had ever seen. two hours after the delivery, I was in the nursery, asking them to put her in my room, where she stayed until we left. we were out of the hospital in two days and she was an incredibly easy-going baby.

Stephen adored her, he couldn't get enough of her either. I would always find him standing beside her bassinette when she was sleeping, just watching her with his little hands behind his back. they were always so close. it was sweet the way he would watch out for her and she followed him around whenever she could.

she was such a smart little kid. she would come up with the funniest things. whenever she did something wrong and I asked if it was her, she would always say "no, the wind did it." and once when I caught her playing somewhere she shouldn't have been, her response was "it wasn't me. it was a little girl that looked just like me!"

she was shy around strangers and didn't like to talk to anyone besides her immediate family. when she was three, she made her right hand into Mr. Hand, who would do all her talking for her. I have a couple of great pictures of Mr. Hand and Hannah, I should have scanned one for this post because it was so freakin' cute.

she did well in school and had quite a few friends. her brother was always her best friend though and the two of them were practically inseparable. it was hard for her when Stephen went to middle school but she adjusted and did just fine. in fifth grade, she was put into the gifted students class, which was really cool. they met once or twice a week instead of going to regular classes and she seemed to enjoy it. once she got to middle school though, it wasn't really her thing. so she quit going and just took more advanced classes.

high school started out a little rough. Stephen was having a lot of trouble going to school and his grades were awful. we had such a hard time with him and it somehow seemed to affect Hannah too. her grades dropped and I couldn't find a way to motivate her to improve. she would spend all her time at home in her room and would stay up all night sometimes. I would notice cuts and other marks on her arms and knew from my experiences that she was cutting herself.

no matter what I did, she just couldn't seem to get over whatever she was dealing with. she wouldn't talk to me about it, but I know that she was emailing and calling a younger cousin of mine that was closer to her in age. my cousin got her to open up and explain what was wrong. when she started to get in over her head, she told my aunt what was going on. by that time, we had taken Hannah to see a social worker who advised us to see our family doctor. she was prescribed Prozac for a chemical imbalance that was causing her to feel depressed.

she did seem to improve on the pills but said that she didn't like the way they made her feel numb. she also didn't ever connect with any of the psychologist we took her to, so eventually she stopped going and stopped taking her pills. but I think that she was starting to feel better about things in general and I noticed that there weren't as many marks on her arm. we arranged for her to go visit my cousin for a month and I think that helped a lot too, having someone to talk to who understood her and accepted her and loved her just for being herself.

shortly after she got home and pretty much all of a sudden, her grades started to improve and her attitude and outlook were 100% better. I'm still not sure how or why it happened. it probably wasn't from me constantly keeping an eye on her whenever possible or all the positive reinforcement we gave her about what a wonderful person she is or the attention we gave her whenever she would let us. I think she just grew up a little and realized that whatever was bothering her wasn't worth hurting herself over.

and now she's back to being the wonderful kid that she used to be. I am enjoying time with her more than ever. she's so funny and silly and clever and smarter than anyone I know. she's a talented artist and an incredible musician. she plays drums and guitar and bass and keyboards. yesterday Casey said that she could be a band all by herself :) she's helpful around the house, she takes care of her sister and we can trust her to do the right thing when she's out with her friends. she's turning into a healthy, responsible adult and that's all any parent could want. I'm so incredibly proud to know her and even more proud to be her mom.

Brian and I both had to work today. I hate working on the weekends. and right now, his car is broken so I had to drop him off at 7am, which meant that I had to get up at 6am. bleh. we had about ten minutes to spare before it was time to leave so he watched the news and I did some scrapbooking. I don't know why he thought that was weird :)

he's still not feeling all the way better so we're just staying home this weekend. it will be nice to just sit around and relax. next weekend we have a birthday party on Friday, a wedding on Saturday and we're taking Hannah to Magic Mountain for her birthday on Sunday. yikes! and at some point we have to fit in time to see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, which I have been waiting months for. it's finally here and we might not have time to see it. that totally sucks. although I guess it wouldn't be too tragic if we had to wait until Thanksgiving weekend to see it.

off to look up cheesecake recipes. Brian has new springform pans to try out!!!

at 4:00 yesterday afternoon, the guy in the cubicle right beside me put four tickets for a Columbus Blue Jackets game on my desk and asked me if I could use them. the only problem was, the game was last night. I had never been to a hockey game and it kinda' sounded like fun. so I called Brian to see if he was interested and convinced him to go when he said that he was tired.

then I called my sister to see if she and her husband wanted to go with us. she did, but he was supposed to have band practice. luckily, he was on his cell phone talking to the guy who couldn't make it to practice. I didn't even have to trick her into promising him sexual favors for skipping practice, it got cancelled all by itself.

the game was so much fun! except for all the fights. Brian said that those are the only reason for watching hockey but I definitely could have done without them. the Jackets won, which is unusual apparently.

we had a couple of beers and some nachos and some laughs with our favorite couple to hang out with and got home at about 10:30. today though Brian stayed home sick. I guess I should have listened when he said that he was tired last night. bad wife. poor sick husband.

I'm post-crazy today!

four girls in my department are pregnant. all of them are in their 20s. one of them is the cool younger chick that sits across from me. I love hearing them talk about being pregnant. and seeing their ultrasound pictures and tiny little baby clothes. it reminds me of how much I loved it when I was pregnant. it was the best. little or no morning sickness, easy/short labors and deliveries. sometimes I actually miss it :)

but those days are over for me. besides, while I might have enough patience to take care of a newborn, I definitely don't have enough energy anymore. I get tired just thinking about all the work that goes into it. I do regret not being able to have a child with Brian but he says that being a father to the kids we already have is enough. we'll have to settle for being godparents I guess.

I had a friend in high school who loved Supertramp, which seems kinda' pretentious now. I mean really, what kind of 16 year old's favorite band is Supertramp? he was that guy who liked to listen to stuff that no one else really listened to. and he was always condescending when he knew something that you didn't. not just about music, about everything.

he was really smart too so chances were, he thought he was better than you. he was funny though, in a cutting way, and could be nice when he wanted to be. I "dated" him for about two weeks when Jimmy and I were broken up for reasons I don't even remember. he tried to tell me he loved me and that I was "one of the beautiful people." see what I mean? prententious. but it didn't matter, I knew he wasn't who I wanted to be with. it was Jimmy, always Jimmy. no one else even came close. besides, he was also in love with my best friend who was dating his best friend.

eventually, the two of them got together although she was seeing him on the side while still dating his best friend. according to her, sex with him was just better than sex with her boyfriend. she was really jealous that we had "gone out" but that didn't stop them from getting her pregnant halfway through our senior year. I was devastated when I found out, because I knew what a jerk he was and that he had cheated on her with a choir skank.

I remember that day so well. our good friend Bill took me out to lunch and broke the news because she was too scared to tell me herself. I couldn't believe it, I cried for the rest of the day. I wanted to tell Jimmy but he was home sick. I tried all afternoon to call him, which was scary because he wasn't allowed to talk to me and I was afraid to get him in trouble, but there was no answer. I even walked to his house and knocked on the door but he didn't hear me. it was one of those times when I needed him so desperately but he couldn't be there.

but as for my friend, there was nothing to be done about it. they got married a month or two before graduation and their son was born in August. he had a year of school left so he made arrangements to go to school in the mornings and work in the afternoons and evenings until he graduated. I don't know how they did it. it couldn't have been easy. they had another son two years after the first one was born and a third boy a few years after that. they had more than their share problems and at one point, they were separated for a couple of years because she was having an affair with her old boyfriend/his best friend from high school. talk about karma! he came out to Ohio to stay with me for a couple of weeks because he said he was feeling too depressed and suicidal in Colorado. she really hated that and told him that if he came back, they could get back together. she still kept seeing her old boyfriend though so that didn't exactly work out like he had hoped.

eventually, they did get back together. she attended and finished college and became a teacher. he didn't go to college that I know of, unless it was after we lost touch. I haven't seen any of them in about 10 years or more. it's kinda' sad really. she was my best friend since the fourth grade. we knew almost everything about each other, she was like a sister. we exchanged letters for a few years but time and distance and life in general made it too easy to lose contact with her.

I did hear from her husband a few years ago, I don't know how he found me. maybe from Classmates.com. he said that he wanted me to move back to Colorado and have an affair with him. I'm pretty sure he was kidding but still...what a jerk.

one more reason why you should be glad you're not married to me - like you really need another :)

I am completely silly and out of control and obnoxious when I have too much caffeine. to the point where I almost want to slap myself. it's bad. ask Ian, he actually banned me from drinking Mt. Dew when we worked at k!nko's together. I usually limit the amount of caffeine I have every day to a cup of coffee in the morning and a soda with lunch but sometimes it's not enough.

yesterday morning at my desk, I could not stay awake. so I had a second cup of coffee and a light snack at 11:00. because sometimes lack of food makes me light-headed and sleepy so I thought it might be that. I was super busy with work stuff so I didn't stop for lunch until after 1:30. I still felt like I didn't have any energy so I had my diet cherry coke with my lunch. the rest of the day seemed to go okay, I wasn't tired anymore and the hours just flew by.

I was in my car and headed home when that caffeine finally hit. all at once. I was really hyper for no reason and suddenly in a great mood. I didn't realize what it was at first so I tried to find a CD to go along with my energy and mood which, thinking back, probably wasn't the best idea. I should have tried to find something to calm me down. hell, Red House Painters was in the CD holder and would have done the trick nicely :)

by the time I got home, my obnoxiousness was at an all-time high. my poor family...they were completely unprepared. Brian was opening a bottle of wine for us to have with dinner, which was lovely. and probably the only reason I calmed down and actually got some sleep last night. I did promise to limit my caffeine intake today. so far, so good!

confession

I was a band geek in high school. and middle school. and elementary school. although I don't think it was really geeky to be in band when I was in elementary school. everyone joined band, well almost everyone. I started playing the flute when I was in third grade and played until I graduated high school. that's ten years, baby. it was crazy.

it was fun though. I really liked it until eighth grade. but by then, the flute was already paid for so my grandmother wouldn't let me quit. I don't know why she even cared. it's not like she came to many concerts and when she did, she just made fun of me afterwards.

I was good at it too. really good at it. I was first chair every year except for my freshman year, when I was third chair out of about twelve. my junior and senior year I got to assign chairs for the rest of my section. oh yeah, I was the shit back then. relatively speaking. and before you ask, yes, that is me in the picture, rocking that cape and wearing a yellow feather in my hat. the actual picture isn't really that speckled, I just forgot to clean the scanner glass and was too lazy to rescan. the picture was taken in either 1984 or 1985.

it was great. most of my high school memories involved band stuff. I met all of my high school boyfriends (except the last one) in band. I met some really nice kids and got to do things that I wouldn't have been allowed to do otherwise. there were overnight trips and hotel rooms and four hour bus rides and football and basketball games. it was always harmless, innocent fun...at least for me.

that kid of ours is growing up and I don't like it one bit. she's doing her hair and wearing lip gloss and talking about boys and in general, becoming a teenager way before I'm ready. to be fair, she is just acting her age, which is actually pretty refreshing these days. she still watches Nickelodeon and the Disney Channel. she still likes Neopets and Pokemon and still shops for clothes at Limited Too. we're really lucky she doesn't like revealing clothes or make-up, she reads books all the time and plays the clarinet. she is learning how to sew and play the piano. she's a wonderful kid, I wouldn't change a thing about her. too bad there's nothing I can do to stop her from changing herself.

it all seems to be happening so quickly. and I'm definitely not ready. last night we drove her to her first dance. A DANCE!!! she looked so cute, way too cute to go to a dance where boys could see her. one of her friends came over and did her hair, she wore black shirt with a white flower the shoulder and her black gaucho pants. she really looked beautiful. the dance was from 7:00 to 9:00. when we picked her up, she said she had a great time and spent the whole night running around with her friends. literally, running around. you know, like a kid. but still, she was at a dance. no matter how much that sucked for us though, I'm glad she had a good time.

tonight is no better. she had her first official babysitting job, for our neighbors. she's watching their six and four year old grandsons for two hours. it will be fine, she's so good with younger kids. I know she'll have fun. I would be a little nervous if we weren't going to be right next door. who am I kidding? I'll still be nervous.

why do they have to grow up? things were so much simpler when she was still a little girl. sigh.

recent funny search engine referrals:

stuff to make you feel good
- fat chance anyone would find that here!

cramps starting livejournal
- now that's more like it :)

pictures of people buried in the sand
- check!

saran wrap togas
- I've gotten that one before...


and one disgusting one that I'm not going to repeat because I don't want the pervert traffic, no matter how desperate I am to hit 10,000 visitors.

I really should try to be more entertaining and/or informative.

random stuff

check out how nice Launchcast is being to me today! some of my very favorites, that never happens.

Don Henley - Sunset Grill

Sarah McLachlan - Dirty Little Secret

Three Dog Night - Liar

Eagles - Desperado

No Doubt - Spiderwebs

Garbage - Stupid Girl

Elefant - Misfit

Beck - Bad Cartridge (E-Pro)

Sting - I Was Brought To My Senses

Sheryl Crow - Hole In My Pocket

Norah Jones - Be Here To Love Me

The Police - Wrapped Around Your Finger

plus Prince's Greatest Hits was in the CD player this morning on the way to work. it's been a good music day so far.

Wrapped Around Your Finger reminds me of high school. because we used to play it in pep band at basketball games. in spite of being asked not to by people who liked the Police :)

________________________________________

I can't believe that Holly was glad that the Eagles lost. I'd hold it against her but she's just so nice :) I like Denver too though. I grew up in Colorado, I can't help it! and it's not their fault the Eagles suck lately. Hannah put on her Terrell Davis jersey at halftime. she hasn't worn that thing since she was in elementary school! of course it still fit, she's so damn tiny. but still, it was frickin' hilarious!!! I should have taken a picture.

________________________________________

confession: I'm spazzy when I'm in a good mood, like now. obviously.
________________________________________

I love Britney Spears as much as the next person (okay...probably more) but a 9 minute version of "Me Against the Music" is a bit much, even for me.

cranky biotch

I really don't know why my husband puts up with me sometimes. well, I know why. it's because he loves me. but I'm sure there are times when it's harder than others. like last night. Brian brought home Revenge of the Sith and a bottle of wine last night. we cuddled up on the loveseat and watched the movie until the wine made me too sleepy and I moved to the couch to sleep.

the girls were already in bed, the dog was sleeping on the chair, I was sleeping peacefully. until the final fight scene, which was incredibly loud. but not as loud as Brian's potato chip bag, which was not as loud as the sound of him eating the chips. I rolled over and grumbled something about the noise and tried to get back to sleep. after a few more minutes of being woken up by the tv and the chips, I went to bed. I'm sure I was crankier than I should have been. but man, I hate to be woken up when I'm trying to sleep.

you'd think that I would just go to bed when I'm tired but I don't like going to bed by myself. I had too many years of that already. and besides, I love it when we both climb into bed and talk about things that we've been too busy to talk about during the day. it's my favorite time alone with him. I'd rather lose sleep than lose that.
_____________________________________________

in other boring news, I finally decided not to participate in the NaNoWriMo thing. I really was considering it but didn't feel like I could dedicate the time to it right now. maybe if I had spent a little more time trying to think of something to write about, I would have felt more confident about participating. and of course, now that I'm definitely not doing it, I wish that I was. I'm really impressed by the people I know who are participating though. Indigo is posting her story on her blog as she writes it, which is very cool. and Raehan is writing away too. they're both so much busier than I am in real life, I feel like a total wuss now :)

another lovely weekend, except when the stupid Eagles lost. we did some Christmas shopping, took the girls coat shopping and drove to southern Ohio to see the scenery (see pictures here) and eat giant burritos.

we watched the Wallace & Gromit movie today, which was so great! I agree with Micah, Hutch was the best. Brian made a delicious dinner and now we're watching Family Guy. it's the one where Peter sings "You've Got AIDS" and "Rock Lobster" - tee hee!

tomorrow is trick-or-treating, here's a picture of Casey in her costume:



isn't she so cute?

• fairly light traffic on the way to work
• a gorgeous sunrise
• a grande chai latte from Starbuck
• putting money into the bank for x-mas
• free Panera Bread for lunch
• my last full day of work for the week

it's going to be a good day :)

two random pictures

this is a picture of the stuff at my desk. yes, that is a Patrick Star pez dispenser. and yes, I am Diversity.



the next one is for Ian. because it's so f'ing awesome:



dude, you know you want them all!

Christmas in October

a lot of things changed when I moved in with Brian. for the first time, I was actually excited to come home, because he was usually there waiting for me. I didn't have to do everything around the house, sometimes he even did more housework than I did. he loves to cook and I hate to cook, so most nights he makes dinner. it gets better every day, even almost three years later.

another change was that since his family is extended and blended even more than mine, he attended more Christmas celebrations than I could ever imagine. we have at least five every year: one at his stepsister's house before they go to Indiana on Christmas Day, one at his brother's house before they go to Florida, one with my family on Christmas Eve, one at his other brother's house Christmas morning (complete with a big, yummy breakfast!) and then our own Christmas with the kids and his mom and sometimes my brothers. he used to hate having so many family celebrations but I think it's been better these last few years. they're always so much fun!

this year, though, we started the parties a little earlier than usual. our first Christmas for this year was today, at his stepsister's house. we celebrated early because his nephew is in the National Guard and won't be home for Christmas this year. he'll be in Georgia or Florida (I can't remember which) for nine months of training before he is shipped overseas to either Afghanistan or Iraq for eighteen months. it was a surprise for him and he was totally surprised! the ten-foot Christmas tree and all the decorations were up, everyone brought food and presents (I made Anisa's yummy white chocolate chip cranberry oatmeal cookies, which were a big hit!) the only thing missing were the caroles :)

it was a great party, but it was touched with the sadness of a family who knows that one of their own will be leaving for a while. and even though everyone was laughing and smiling and eating and joking, our thoughts were of Anthony and our hearts were a little heavy. if I believed in prayer, I would pray for him and his safety. I would pray for strength, for us and for him. we're still having Christmas there in December, but it won't be the same without Anthony.

photo friday

the wallpaper in Hannah's room.

this week's challenge is "retro" and Hannah's wallpaper definitely fits. actually this wallpaper is the reason why she picked her room. she's so silly :)

pictures from this morning

here is the picture I took from the parking lot at work today:



and a close up where you can see the small amount of fire I managed to capture.



ace photographer, indeed.

holy cow. the order of Chicken Lo-mein I just got from Mark Pi's for lunch is huge. seriously, it's enough for three people. I know what Casey is having for dinner later. she loves it when I have Chinese for lunch :)

this morning on the way to work I drove past a van that was on fire!!! it was less than a mile from my work so when I got here I could still see tons of smoke and a little bit of fire above the trees. I took two pictures, I'll post at least one of them later tonight. I wanted to take a picture from close up (what kind of person does that make me?) but didn't want to look like a big jerk. when I passed it, the whole front of the van was on fire but no emergency people were there yet so it had to have just happened. the driver was already out of the van, talking on a cell phone so I'm sure no one was hurt.

by the time I got to my floor and got clocked in, it was too late to see anything. which sucked because the view from the other end of our building would have been perfect. by the way, check out how beautiful my work is but ignore my poor editing (I only have "Paint" at work):



it's not a great picture of the building but it's all I could find online. you get the idea though. it's surround on all sides by water, except for the little driveway that leads up to the building. Brian calls it an island fortress, like in James Bond movies. unfortunately, we're moving out of here in December. what was my point again? oh right...fire. mmmmmm, fire.

my lunch today tasted as craptastic as it looked. I can't believe I actually thought it wouldn't be that bad. oh well, skipping a meal once in a while won't hurt me.

we had a really great weekend. it was Brian's birthday on Thursday. I left work a few hours early so the girls and I could put up some decorations before he came home from work. it was a lot of fun and he really appreciated our efforts. we went to our nephew's football game that night and out to dinner at Max+Erma's. yum!

Friday night we just stayed home and relaxed. it was nice to have a fairly quiet evening at home. Brian had to work Saturday morning anyway and then had band practice. we went to see my brother-in-law's band play that night and celebrated Brian's birthday with a few drinks. that was a lot of fun too.

two of our nieces stayed the night at our house with Casey while we were out and surprisingly there was no drama and no trouble! actually they are pretty good girls and it was nice to see them both. Sunday morning I made french toast for breakfast and that afternoon the girls and I went to the pumpkin farm with our godson. it was a little cold and windy but still sunny. the only bad part was when Casey got bitten on her forearm by a donkey! luckily it didn't break the skin but it was sore and red for a few hours :( tonight we're carving pumpkins. yay!

the rest of the day was uneventful. we watched some football and Brian made ribs for dinner. we watched a couple of movies (Shaun of the Dead on HBO and Hannah and I watched Mean Girls on DVD after that) until it was time for bed. it may not sound like much but it really was a perfect weekend. I wouldn't change a thing about it, except for maybe the donkey bite...

photo friday

my photo friday submission:

Perry's Victory and International Peace Memorial

this week's challenge is conspicuous. how in the hell do you shoot that? my picture is from our trip to Put-in-Bay this past summer. you really can't miss it!

it's 10:00pm

I'm ready for bed. chances are I fell asleep on the couch half an hour ago. Brian is a night owl and can fully function on waaaay less sleep than I can. it's almost always well after 11:00 before he's ready for bed. usually he will gently wake me with a kiss on the cheek and ask if I would like to "watch tv in bed" which is code for him watching tv in bed while I sleep. this question always makes me so happy! I hate to go to bed without him but the couch isn't nearly as comfortable as our lovely warm bed.

one of two things happens when I actually get in bed though (it's one of three things actually, but we're not going to talk about the third thing here!): either I immediately fall asleep, almost without telling him goodnight, or I've had just enough sleep for a sudden burst of energy and decide that I'm not tired after all. then, I start acting all goofy and stupid while Brian is trying to unwind and relax. and even when that is out of my system, I can't get back to sleep without tossing and turning and readjusting my pillows and making sure my side of the comforter has enough feathers. I really am an ass. but he just smiles down at me with an amused look on his face, shakes his head and quietly laughs. because, in spite of my jackassed-ness, he loves me.

I need a new pair of tennis shoes. I decided that this morning. mine are old and make my achilles tendons hurt when I wear them. even worse, they're not cute. after a two-second search on target.com, I found these:



they're exactly what I was looking for. AND I happen to be going to Target immediately after work today. that's way too convenient to be coincidence. the Universe wants me to have these shoes immediately! and who am I to argue with the Universe?

grumpiness follows

what a weekend. first, the Buckeyes lose. then the Eagles. what the hell was that? and I missed the end of the Eagles "game" because we got a phone call from my stepdad at about 7:15 saying that my mother had gone out for cigarettes and dinner from Dairy Queen and had been gone for almost two hours.

understandably, he was panicked, even though last time this happened she had gone to the grocery store and Wal-mart and just didn't tell him where she was going. this is exactly why we bought her a cell phone, so we could find her when she was out. but of course she didn't have the cell phone with her, because she "can't remember how to use it." in quotation marks because I really don't believe that. she gets quite belligerent and defensive when anyone implies that she can't take care of herself. which is ridiculous because she couldn't/wouldn't take care of herself even before she got sick.

my brother was already out looking for her, following the route she should have taken. we were checking the grocery stores to see if she had stopped anywhere else. as we were driving around, I got a call from my brother saying that she got lost trying to drive to the grocery store and ended up about 20 miles west of our town. in her defense, the intersection she was trying to use is very confusing, it was getting dark and she can't really drive at night, and once she missed her exit, there wasn't another one for about 20 miles.

apparently, she stopped at the first house she came to and used the telephone there to call my stepdad. he talked to the man who lived there and told him that my mother was sick and quite forgetful. he agreed to let her follow him in his truck until they were back on the right road, pointing towards our town. how lucky we are that he was a decent, kind person.

there really wasn't much more for us to do so we went home to wait for word that she was home and safe. I called my stepdad, who was on the verge of tears, and told him to call us as soon as she made it home. we knew she was about 30 minutes away, but after almost an hour, we still hadn't heard anything. I called him back and she still wasn't home so we decided to check the stores again and then head out of town in the direction she would have come from, in case she had run out of gas or something. I don't know.

we checked the stores and then tried to call my stepdad before we left town. there was no answer at the house. I called the cell phone and he answered. apparently, she was now about 25 miles east of our town, having missed the three exits she could have taken to get back home. she was at a Shell gas station (no, he didn't know exactly which one), waiting for someone to come out there to help get her home. he had called my other sister to drive him over to where she was so he could ride home with her and give her directions. did I mention that he is totally blind in one eye and legally blind in the other? *insert cliche here*

she wasn't at the Shell that he thought she was at but they did eventually find her. they called us at almost 11:00 to say that they were home. by my calculations, that was about six hours after she left.

the situation is getting worse and worse. and she still doesn't even have a fucking diagnosis other than "probably not Alzheimer's." she's not working, which is probably a good thing, but that means they don't have any insurance. which means that she won't be going to the doctor to get any more tests done.

neither of them will talk about what's going on or more accurately, what's not going on. I really think we're going to need to hold a pseudo-intervention with them before they get serious about taking care of whatever the hell is going on. I'm so tired of this whole thing.

five

this week's Photo Friday challenge is FIVE. here's my submission:

KARMA10

"fatal brain disease" takes the wind out of my sails too. it also puts a tear or two in my eye. fucking shit indeed.

I love being the first one home on Fridays. it's nice to have a quiet hour or two at home before the usually busy weekend starts. but as soon as 3 o'clock rolls around, I can't wait for the girls to get home from school. I get to hear about their days and spend a little time with them before Brian gets home. I'm always the last one home Monday through Thursday, which means I'm always the last one to hear anything new. I hate that. but leaving early on Friday almost makes up for it :)

old poetry alert!

I wrote this about my niece (I posted about her earlier here) one day when I was angry with her dad for something thoughtless I overheard him saying to her. my friend Mark thought it was about me. he may have been right :)

sad little girl, alone in your world. no one even notices you're there.

scared little girl, afraid fo your world. but no one seems to care.

poor little girl, cast out of your world. as if you don't belong.

lonely little girl, hurt by your world. you don't always know right from wrong.

take hear,t little girl, take your place in the world. soon you'll find your way.

be smart, little girl, you can make your own world. one where it's safe to play.

feel safe, little girl, as you travel your world. but please don't go too far.

smile, little girl, there are people in this world who love you just as you are.

yay-ness!

I got an email last weekend from this guy! how awesome is that? and even more awesome is that Brian doesn't mind us emailing each other because he is just that amazing. well, he's probably not crazy about the idea but he knows there is nothing for him to worry about, which is just as good.

apologies in advance...

but this is the only place I really have for these stories.

my mother has three sisters (all older) and two brothers (both younger). the sisters are each two years apart in age, which is kinda' cool. her youngest brother I've already written about here (beware of ugliness!). that story pretty much says it all. her other brother was a great uncle. he genuinely cared about us kids and seemed to enjoy spending time with us. I was the flower girl at his wedding and he always made me feel like I was his favorite. he probably treated all of us that way but it didn't matter. he made me feel loved and special, which was a rare experience for me growing up.

my mother was the youngest girl. the baby. they were left on their own a lot when they were way too young to take care of themselves. hmmmm, that sounds familiar. my aunts are really great too. surprising when you consider that they were raised by such a terrible person. in fact, the second oldest of them is my favorite person in the whole world after my kids and Brian. she's my hero, I really admire her and love her so much. she has been married for a hundred years and has two grown children. she is fun and youthful and generous and giving and I know that she would do anything for me or Brian or my kids.

the third oldest was a lot of fun too. she used to own a beauty shop and would always give me fancy new hairstyles. I used to spend at least one day a week there and she would give me little bottles of nail polish and soda and stuff. she had three kids, a girl (who I mentioned in that other post that is linked above) and two boys, and was divorced for as long as I can remember. I barely have any memories of her ex-husband, which is a good thing in my book. no memories = no traumatic memories = good.

the oldest sister was also very nice. she didn't live nearby so I didn't see her much. mostly at holidays or other celebrations...that kind of thing. she had four daughters and one son, who was adopted. they seemed like a really happy family. the youngest daughter was my age and her three older sisters were like my older sisters. they had boyfriends and dressed cool and wore makeup and listened to songs I had never heard before. they were pretty and smart and funny and nice. I was little jealous that they all had sisters and I had none. then again, I was a pretty big tomboy so I probably wouldn't have liked having sisters as much as I thought I would.

their parents divorced when I was in high school and their father moved to Texas. quite a few years later, when I was already married and living in Ohio, the oldest daughter finally admitted that he had been molesting all four of them for years. when my mother found out and told me about it, without thinking I asked "how did they find out?" instead of acting surprised or shocked. which is the reaction I would have had if I hadn't already known first-hand that he was a child molester. at the time I was slightly surprised that he would do that to his own daughters. I had no idea that I wasn't the only one.

of course, my mother didn't notice my mistake or my reaction. she just kept talking about it and said that there was some talk that maybe he had done the same thing to me. she was convinced that I would have told her if something like that had happened. how little she knew/knows about me.

so that's my deal. the whole deal, I think. as I've said before, I really don't remember much about my younger years. the details aren't important. and putting them into words somehow makes them seem more real so I'll leave the rest of the story unwritten. you've heard it all before though.

touchy uncle? yes. plural in fact. I'm not sure whether that makes a difference or not though. actually that's not true. one time probably doesn't fuck you up as much as multiple times. one sick, sadistic bastard doesn't make you think that all adults are scary and evil. two sick, sadistic bastards makes you doubt that decent people even exist. two makes you think that everyone you meet wants to hurt you, no matter how nice they seem. two makes you feel discarded, worthless and abandoned.

it's a lot to overcome. not that I've actually done that yet. but I feel like I'm getting closer. this blog helps a lot. being loved unconditionally and accepted for who I am by my wonderful husband helps too. I will never ever be able to thank him enough for everything he does for me. but I'm going to try anyway.

I'm a posting fool

my work picnic thing was this Saturday. it was a lot of fun. Casey and our nephew Tyler went with us. there was fishing and paddle boats and tons of food and even a keg! there were games for the kids and prizes and bubbles and a DJ. it was a lot of fun. here's my favorite picture from the day:

in my opinion...

love is not possessive. it can only be experienced by letting go of your fears and your doubts, by giving up control and surrendering to the unknown. it cannot be taken, but must be given freely, unconditionally, honestly and completely. love is a gift to be treasured. it's your reward for being truthful and respectful, for caring about the happiness of someone else before your own. love is the answer to all of your questions, not the solution to all of your problems.

love is everything you put into it and nothing more.

there is nothing better during the work day than a surprise email from my wonderful husband. he so rarely gets to send one from work. it always makes my day better, no matter what is going on.

guitar widow

Brian got a new guitar today!!! he's so excited. I don't blame him, it is beautiful:



it's a Schecter, which is the guitar he said he wanted about two years ago. I'm so happy that he finally got one but I have a feeling he'll be spending a lot more time in the bedroom playing guitar.

poor me... :)

photo friday

this week's challenge: darkness.

my submission is up at my photo blog. it's a pretty cool picture, says the person who took it. :)

http://imaginephotos.blogspot.com/2005/09/photo-friday-challenge-darkness.html

my wish list (don't want much, do I?)

just some flowers:


and perfume:


maybe one of these things:


or one of these:


since I'm asking:


and just to push my luck:

thankfully, the rest of the week has been uneventful. I might even go so far as to say that it's been pretty good. hell, it's already Thursday! yesterday I kept thinking it was Tuesday so to only have one more day of work is very, very, very nice.

I've been in a really good mood lately too. for no reason that I can think of. things at home are great, the house is so wonderful. we really enjoy the time we spend there. it's so quiet and everyone has their own space. it was such a good move for us. I'm happy with almost everything in my life right now and the things I'm not happy with are out of my control so I'm not worrying about them. it feels weird when life is normal and calm, but I like it.

the weather is a little chilly today in Ohio. this morning it was cold enough for jackets! but the sky is a beautiful blue and the sun has been shining all day. tonight it will be even colder but it looks like we'll have a perfect fall weekend.

wow, I'm pretty boring when I'm not complaining. and probably when I am :)

another shitty Monday

so far, this day sucks. I have a terrible headache plus cramps. and it's raining and yucky outside. work sucks, as usual. did I mention that my head hurts? because it does. a lot.

I guess things could be worse. and at least this weekend was pretty nice. Friday night we did nothing. we were supposed to go out to dinner but thanks to a check book error on my part, we lost $155.00 in NSF fees. fortunately, this was a week where we could afford a blow to our account like that, if it's possible to be able to throw away $155.00, and not feel it. Brian was pretty pissed about it and so was I but it was my own fault so there really wasn't anything that could be done.

Saturday I took the girls with me to run some errands and have lunch. Brian stayed home to watch the Buckeyes game. my sister went with us and we had a really nice afternoon. we had lunch at Panera Bread, went to Joann, etc. for fabric and scrapbooking stuff. while we were there, we made some cool bracelets for free. after that, we went to Target to goof off and get a few things for the house.

we were supposed to go out with my sister and her husband to the Eagles that night for a Hog Roast but they cancelled on us because he wasn't feeling well. we went out without them though and had a great time. we played darts, which I normally suck at, but that night, I did pretty well.

I think all the hog made me sick though, because I was up pretty much all night with stomach cramps, etc. so Sunday was kind of a sucky day. I was tired, and sore and had a million things to do that couldn't be put off. bleh. we had laundry to do and grocery shopping. also went to stupid Wal-mart to buy a new vacuum. when I opened the box to do some vacuuming, we found out that it was used! ewwww. it had dirt in the bagless thing from whoever had used and returned it so now we have to return to stupid Wal-mart and get a new one.

we watched some football (the Browns barely lost, the Eagles won) and then the Simpsons and Family Guy and I fell asleep on the couch. I wish the weekend could have been longer. but I wish that every weekend :)

a memory

when I was a kid, we took a summer vacation to New Mexico. I don't know why. maybe because we're Mexicans. I thought we were going to actual Mexico, but to the newer part. I believe I was still in elementary school at the time so I forgive my own ignorance :)

I loved NM, in spite of the heat. the mountains (mesas) were incredible, so different that the ones we could see back home. it was beautiful! we went to Taos and walked around the ruins. we visited the church and I bought a little heart-shaped mother of pearl necklace.

one of the Native American women started a conversation with my grandfather, asking his name and whether he had an family nearby. he did have a sort of Native American look to him, and possibly some Native American ancestry, so her questions didn't seem at all out of the ordinary.

after we left Taos, though, my grandmother teased him mercilessly about his new girlfriend. not in the funny way you tease your husband when the waitress is really friendly, I don't think she knew how to gently tease. hers was always mean-spirited and constant and made the person she was "teasing" want to kill her. she would fill everyone in on the punchline. and if you didn't laugh, she would make a target out of you, either with malicious comments or her hand across your face, so she always got the rest of us to join in. and this one was a joke she kept telling for years.

on the way back home, we stopped to visit an aunt who lived in Farmington. she had four daughters (which is a terrible story for another day) and a son but as I think back, I don't remember any of her kids being there. hmmmmm, there's one more family secret I'll never hear about.

she had a pool in her apartment complex and she took me and my youngest brother down for a swim. I can't swim and have a great unreasonable fear of water, but I went down with her anyway. she was always very nice to me, which I couldn't get enough of. as we were putting down our towels, my little brother took off running and jumped right into the pool!

we watched him for what seemed like a minute and then my aunt asked, "does he know how to swim?" I answered that he didn't and she jumped in, fully clothed, to fish him out of the pool. I'll never forget the look on her face when she realized what was happening and I'll never forget how grateful I was that she was there. I would have been too terrified to go in after him and he probably would have drowned.

I don't know what made him think he could do that. crazy, fearless little kid! I wonder if he remembers...

and then

after I finally took a break to eat my lunch at 1:45, the stupid frozen thing I brought was damaged and I was too scared to eat it. so I drove to Wendy's (which is closest to my work) for a sandwich and fries. got back to my desk and spilled fries all over the place. gathered up the ones that weren't on the floor and bit my tongue while I was eating them. it's still bleeding. stupid day.

bad day

this day is shit so far. and I don't see it getting any better.

the boy left for Utah yesterday, which was awful. not that it won't be good for him, I hope it is. but it was hard for me to say goodbye and let go. and then I thought about it all day yesterday. so I'm already bummed out because of that.

my work situation is becoming more unbearable every day. I have too much work and feel bad when I say I can't take on any more. no one will give me a raise though, so lately I'm not only turning down any new responsibilities, I'm getting rid of some of the stuff I already have. my attitude is terrible. I don't care about anything here anymore because nothing ever changes for the better. ever. I hate being like this but it frustrates me when people don't care and don't want to fix the things that are out of my hands to fix. as an attempt to make my work life less stressful, I am trying to just come in and do my job and go home. it's hard though, because I am the type of person who likes things to be right whenever possible. apparently, that is not something that my company appreciates anyway.

other than that, everything is mostly okay. except that we have to replace a lawnmower this weekend because ours was broken and the one we borrowed got all fucked up while we were using it. so that has to come out of our new washer/dryer fund. bleh. I guess I shouldn't complain about it though, since I didn't actually do laundry this weekend or last weekend. and maybe we can find a good used pair somewhere.

I think/hope we're going out for a nice quiet dinner this weekend. it's only Monday and I already need it desparately!

it's been an interesting morning so far today. at 11:41, our billing system at work is still processing the overnight cycle so I haven't been able to do a bit of work. normally, when this happens, I just waste time online but our server was down too :( at least that was fixed by 9:00.

while I was internet-less, I read "Florville and Courval (The Works of Fate)" by The Marquis de Sade using an old link that Ian had sent me about a month ago. that story is seriously f'ed up, but in the good way. this girl (Florville) unknowingly sleeps with her brother (he didn't know either), accidentally kills her son who is in love with her (the father took him away when he was born so she didn't know it was him), testifies against her mother who is sentenced to death (the mother gave her away when she was an infant, told her father that she had died, abandoned her father and changed her name) and eventually marries her father (Courval - neither of them knew) and becomes pregnant. she finds out about all of it at once at the end of the story and immediately kills herself. damn.

yesterday, I was helping one of my coworkers with some work stuff and today, to thank me for my help, she brought me a big ole mocha from Caribou Coffee! how sweet was that? it was completely unexpected and just so nice. it really made my morning :) it's so huge and yummy, I should be extra energized today!

I updated the photo blog a little. just some minor changes really. I put some new pictures up too. you all have to see this one of our doggie:

http://imaginephotos.blogspot.com/2005/09/phoebes-taken-091305.html

wow, I just found out that I got some comments on my pictures. that's so awesome.

it seems like all the caffeine and free time is making this post a little unfocused. I think I need to go waste some more time on Blog Explosion and share the randomness with some strangers!

I took about a million pictures tonight. it was so much fun. this one of my sweetie is my favorite though.

long time, no write

I'm finally over that cold/flu thing that I've had for more than a week! it really was the worst. it seemed like I only had enough energy to make it through the day at work and once I got home, all I wanted to do was sleep on the couch. we did a couple of things last week though, had drinks with Brian's friend Mark Wednesday night and went to our nephew's first football game Thursday night. I felt a lot better by the weekend, luckily.

I uploaded a few pictures that I wanted to post from Labor Day weekend. lighting the gigantic sparklers was a bust, for the most part. I guess they were too old because they didn't want to stay lit for very long. the kids had fun though, which is really all that matters. we had to light them with the citronella torches, which made for an interesting photo:



and of course, taking pictures of sparklers is always fun. I think this is Casey, but I'm not sure:



we don't really have much going on right now. just enjoying the new house and the last few weeks of summer. the boy is staying with us until the 18th and then he's moving to Utah to stay with Casey's dad. when he first told me about it, I was kinda' sad. but he's been with us again for about two weeks and I have realized that nothing has changed. he is following our rules now because he knows that we won't let him stay with us unless he does, but his attitude hasn't improved at all. he needs to grow up and it doesn't seem to be happening here. hopefully the move will be good for him.

the girls are doing well with school. Casey has a band performance this weekend at the high school football game, which should be a lot of fun. she has some new friends this year and seems to be enjoying middle school.

Hannah has joined a band with some of her friends from school. she's playing the drums and apparently they're a punk band, which is surprising because Hannah doesn't like to play punk music. oh well, I'm glad that she's doing something outside the house. she tends to sleep too much or spend hour after hour on the computer. she is actually looking for a job right now. yay Hannah!

things with Brian are wonderful. we still need to do something to celebrate our anniversary since I've been too sick to actually do anything. I'd love to get away for an entire night alone but that will have to wait until the boy is gone. Saturday night, Brian went to see KISS with Ian (read Ian's post about it here) while I spent the evening watching the OSU v. Texas game at my sister's house. we drank (too many) margaritas and had pizza and wings. it was fun but I missed my sweetie. Sunday I spent most of the day sleeping/recovering and watching more football. I'm so excited that football is back!!!

one last picture, just because it's so cute, of Casey soaking up some sun with Phoebe. that dog will lay in front of these doors for hours if the sun is out.

still feeling so sick. I just want to go home and go to bed.

hooray!!! - part two

today is our anniversary! Brian and I have been married for one year. I can't believe it's been a year already. it seems like our wedding was weeks ago. I've never been so happy, he is honestly the most incredible person I have ever met and the fact that he loves me still feels like a dream come true. he went out and got me breakfast before I woke up and gave me a wonderful card. he loved the card/mini-book I made. I have to admit it turned out better than I thought it would.

the only bad part about today is that my stupid allergies are kicking my ass today and I have little to no energy to do anything. so our night out will have to wait. oh well, we're having yummy barbecued ribs instead. I think my sister is coming over for dinner and maybe a movie tonight so that will be fun. I am really excited that we have one more day off. hopefully I'll feel a lot better by Tuesday. there will be a ton of work on my desk. :(

hooray!!!

I made it through my crash-iversary without crashing my car!

too busy for a real post, never too busy to blog!

• I finished the poem last night but it ended up being kinda' long. so I'm turning it into a mini-book instead. it's silly but I like it. I hope Brian will too.
• my lunch today was super awesome. leftover beef and chicken kabob stuff plus a Jones cream soda. that frickin' soda is delicious!
• one year ago today, three days before our wedding, I was in a car accident on the way to work. it was terrifying. no one was hurt, except for minor aches and bruises, but my car was totalled. I still can't relax in the car, especially when I'm not driving. it has gotten better though.
• I'm thinking of getting a part-time job doing something that I wouldn't hate to get some extra money for a trip to Vegas next spring or fall. cuz I can't handle working more hours at my regular job.
• we need a new/used washer and dryer. we currently have none and going to the laundromat sucks. we also need a new vacuum because ours broke when we were cleaning up the old house after we moved out.
• the new house is lovely. we are having a big cookout on Saturday and finally lighting those 6" sparklers we've had forever. yay fire!!!
• I am becoming too addicted to Rock Star: INXS and can no longer claim that I don't watch reality tv. although I think I had to stop saying that because of that one time I watched the Britney Spears one. I want MiG to win, even though he capitalizes the last letter of his name.
• I cannot wait for this weekend. three days off, baby!