busy weekend

Busy, but good. Friday night we went to watch my brother-in-law's band play. Brian got up and played two songs with them. He was amazing, I am always so proud of him and impressed by how talented he is. He had a great time onstage (I have pictures) but we had to leave early-ish because Saturday was the District Science Fair.

We got home shortly after midnight and had to get up at 6:30 the next morning. Bleh. That really sucked and all three of us were tired all day. Casey didn't win an award, so she's not going to the State Science Fair but she didn't seem too disappointed about it. She really was tired from having to sit in the gym from 8:15 to 2:15 that day. I really don't blame her. She said that she wasn't going to participate next year but I'm sure that was just the lack of sleep talking.

Brian and I had to find something to do while she was busy so we did a lot of shopping (his favorite thing to do :). We did find some good bargains and bought a couple of things for our godsons and the girls so that was cool. We saw AJ Hawk and Bobby Carpenter (Ohio State Buckeyes football players - I have pictures) at the mall and that made Brian a little happier about being there.

It was nice, having some time all to ourselves. We stopped for coffee and talked and had a nice long lunch and talked. I really missed Casey but I did enjoy being alone with Brian for a few hours. We hardly ever get to do that anymore, we almost always have plans or are at home with the girls. I'm going to try to remember to make time just for the two of us.

Saturday was also Stephen's 19th birthday. So after we got home and took naps, we went to his house to wish him a happy birthday and then my sister brought the babies over to hang out for a while, which is always fun. Casey and I went to bed pretty early that night. We were both still really tired.

Sunday was pretty relaxing, except for when I had to take Stephen to Convenient Care at noon because he had injured his hand Friday night. He and his friends decided to have a "St. Patty's Day brawl" and he punched his cousin in the shoulder (in fun). He may have fractured a bone in his hand. So it's in a splint and he has the next three days off from work. It's his right hand too so he can't write or play video games on the computer or play guitar. We have to go back to our doctor in a week or so to see how it's doing. If it's still sore, there's a good chance that something is broken or cracked. The ER doctor said that because of the swelling, they couldn't be 100% sure.

The rest of the day was a typical Sunday. We did some housework and some laundry, Brian did the grocery shopping because he is just that awesome. We watched the Buckeyes lose their game, ate a yummy dinner and watched FOX until it was time for bed. This week should be relatively calm, maybe even a little boring. But we've got some fun plans for this weekend. I'll have pictures :)

blank

I don't know why I'm posting today. I can't think of anything to write about. Oh well, that has never stopped me before!

Casey and her friends did such a good job at the DI tournament. Their skit was very cute and they were very outgoing and seemed to be having fun. They were there for pretty much the whole day and she was completely worn out afterwards. She also had a choir concert on Monday, which was nice. This weekend is the district Science Fair. After that, I think we get a small break from Casey's activities.

Brian has been really busy too. He's in the office almost full-time at work now. We're both excited about that! I really need to send in some pictures for his desk or something. I'm sure it's still pretty empty and plain. He's been working a lot of overtime, which is good for our bank account, but I hate it when he's gone so much.

He's also been practicing with my brother-in-law's band for the last few weeks so he's gone in the evenings sometimes too. Actually, he's playing a few songs with them at their St. Patrick's Day show so that will be very cool. I think he's even singing a little. I can't wait!!! I'm glad he's still playing music and hanging out with people he likes but I miss him when he's not around. I'll be okay though. It's probably good for me or something :)

Not a lot is going on with Hannah, or me. I'm sure we sound boring and lazy, maybe we are. But personally, I enjoy not having a lot to do sometimes. I like having quiet evenings at home, reading or scrapbooking or watching television or playing cards with the kids. I wish we could have more of those nights honestly. Then again, if we did, I'd probably wish for more excitement. There's just no pleasing some people!

ps - It's Utenzi's last day here. Click the thumbnail under my profile to visit his blog. He's got a great post up today about a recent segment on 60 Minutes. Very interesting...

F*ck Blender

The 50 Most Awesomely Dead Rock Stars

Not to spoil it for you but Selena ranks higher that George Harrison? Notorious B.I.G. ranks higher than Elvis and John Lennon? What a bunch of crap.

JOY!

The weekend is finally here. I'm so glad! We don't have a lot of plans either, which I'm glad about too. Casey has her Regional Competition for DI on Saturday. That should be fun. Her team has been working really hard for the last few months and we're excited to see the results! She will pretty much spend the whole day there. We're just going to watch their skit and maybe take her to lunch. I hope she has a good time. I'm sure she will.

I love it that she's so fearless and isn't afraid to be herself. She will try anything that interests her, even if she doesn't think she'll be successful, and I really admire that about her. She's a great kid with a healthy dose of self-esteem and an outgoing personality. I am so proud of her. And so lucky that she is my daughter.

news - bullet-style

• I have a new renter. Utenzi has a great blog, it's very diverse and interesting and he seems like a really nice guy (I noticed that before he bid on my blog). You should check him out, I honestly think he offers something for everyone :) Click on the thumbnail below my profile to get to his blog.
• My brother is living with us for the next ten days...bleh. He is on some kind of house arrest for driving without a license or whatever. Rolling his truck in the middle of the night, probably after spending a few hours at the bar probably has something to do with it. And I'm sure there's more to the story that he's not telling, but he's like that. So he's sleeping on our couch until March 17th, leaving only to go to work. Did I already say, "bleh."?
• Casey participated in her school's Science Fair last week. It was completely voluntary, she's such a little weirdo :) She didn't feel like she spent enough time on her project though, and she wasn't that happy with her presentation board. But she still got a "Superior" rating, which means that she can take her project to the district Science Fair! We're really proud of her, even if she is a nerd.
• Hannah made the honor roll, yay! And the boy is trying to get his diploma this year. I hope he does it. So kid-wise, everything is great. That rarely happens. It feels so strange. In the good way.

irrelevant

Yesterday was lovely. I slept in late, had a yummy breakfast and watched a little television with the dog. I spent some time on the internet, bought something from Ebay, did some house-cleaning and laundry and just relaxed. It really was nice. I didn't come to any major decisions about my work situation, which probably means I'll stay where I am for now. We'll see, I guess.

I finished the book I was reading, A Million Little Pieces by James Frey. Maybe you've heard of it :) My sister lent it to me shortly after the whole controversy started about parts of it being exaggerated. But true or not true, it was a great story. I liked it a lot. I don't care about which parts were lies, I don't care that Mr. Frey may not have actually spent three months in jail or may not have gotten a root canal without anesthesia. I'm annoyed by the people who are acting as if Mr. Frey lied to them personally. It's just a book to me. Well-written, moving and brutal. Hell, I may even read the sequel, My Friend Leonard.

The rest of the day ended well. The girls and I made a cake when they got home from school, Brian made pizza for dinner and we played cards after the kitchen was cleaned up until it was time for Casey to go to bed. It really was a great day. And exactly what I needed.

down time

I think I'm taking the day off tomorrow. At least that's my plan for now. Work has been pissing me off more than usual lately. I don't work well with people who don't think they should be held to the same rules as everyone else. I don't like being held to a higher standard than my peers. It annoys me to be the only one in my department who holds myself accountable for the work that I do. I definitely need a new job, probably at a new company.

The problem is that I make a good amount of money where I am and it will be hard to find something new without taking a big paycut. I think I'm going to try though. Because things really need to change soon. It's possible that things will get better in the fairly near future, but I doubt that my work situation will change all that much unless I do something drastic to change it. And I'm not sure that I care enough to do that.

The other problem is that if I quit, we may not be able to go to Vegas in the fall, which will totally suck. Because we're really looking forward to it. I don't know...it's a tough decision. Either way, things will suck. At least home stuff is going well. We had a great weekend with the girls, lots of fun. I went to my first Secret Treasures party, which lasted about a million years. And I managed to spend the whole day today in my pajamas! It doesn't get much better than that :)

I should have posted this yesterday.

The thing about self-injury is that the pain and blood and scars actually provide a small measure of relief from all the negative thoughts and feelings that drive a person to self-injure. It's a little like shutting your hand in the car door to forget about your headache for few minutes. A "normal" person would just take some aspirin. Someone like me might feel like she wasn't worthy of an aspirin, she might think that the headache was the least of what she deserved. Other people don't get that. Lucky them. It's not a pleasant thought process.

And lucky me, I don't think like that very much anymore. Not that I don't still have negative thoughts about myself, but now I also have a few positive ones to reflect on instead. I have the love and support of someone who has made me realize that the past isn't important anymore. He's given me the ability and desire to live in the present and look forward to the future. It's such a wonderful gift, possibly the most valuable thing he's given me so far. I'll never be able to pay him back for that, no matter how hard or how long I try. That won't stop me from trying though :)

ASHIC

I have a new renter whom you should all go visit (by clicking on the thumbnail under my profile). Wild Abandon is the blog of a 26-year old girl from Mississippi who has been diagnosed as bipolar. Her most recent post is a poem about self-injury, in honor of National Self-Injury Awareness Day, which is March 1. How could I not pick her blog? It's honest and interesting and sometimes funny. She loves Starbucks and kittens and reading, so yeah...check her out.

five senses

I feel: my mouse and keyboard.

I hear: a cricket and a typewriter. Is the cricket typing?

I see: this post and pictures of my family and friends.

I smell: Mexican food. It's making me hungry.

I taste: Tradewinds Green Tea with honey. Yummy :)

"Some people" think they're blogging too much. I'm not blogging enough. When I post every day, that seems cool. When I post more than once a day, it's usually all bullshit. When I go days without posting, it seems like I don't have anything to say at all. It's so hard to find that balance.

Work has calmed down, thankfully. We're not required to work this weekend, although we can if we want/need to. I'm going to pass on the overtime. I usually do. Because work can't pay me enough to spend that much time away from Brian and the girls. Last weekend sucked. I feel like I missed the whole thing. Screw that! It's not worth it. Nothing is, in my opinion.

It's Cate's last few hours here so hurry up and click the thumbnail! I feel bad for not posting more frequently this week and begging you all to visit her. I'm a sucky landlord :(

So fucking busy this week. Mandatory overtime this weekend and next weekend, so far. That's what I get for taking a four-day weekend last week. Actually, I won't be here doing my own work, another department is behind and we all have to help them. I hate that...making up for other people not doing what they're supposed to do. Not very "team player" of me, I know. But today, I really don't care.

Oh yeah, please go visit Cate (click on the thumbnail below my profile). I'll give you a dollar!

my first renter

So I'm giving this "Rent My Blog" thing a try. It's a Blog Explosion feature. Last week I rented space from Moonshine, which was fun. I got some good traffic, even if most of it was from Izzy herself :)

This week I'm renting out space. And my very first renter is also one of my very favorite bloggers, Cate from Snozzberries! Her blog is equal parts snarkiness and silliness and there are tons of overshares, pop culture references and pictures. What more could a reader want? For 10 credits, she probably doesn't expect too much. But please do me a favor and click on the thumbnail just below my profile. I guarantee she'll make you laugh!

ps - I'm trying to properly capitalize my sentences, etc. in honor of Cate's visit. She is quite the grammar, spelling and punctuation nazi. In the good way :)

long time, no blog

I feel like I haven't been here in forever, even though I did post on Thursday. I have no excuse either, this is day four of a four-day weekend for me. it was a really lovely weekend, which may be why I wasn't online much. the girls had Friday and today off from school too, so that was nice. Brian took Friday off so he could join in the long weekend hijinks.

we visited my parents Friday afternoon, and ended up watching old home videos for about three hours. it was fun and funny and we had a good time there. my mother went back to the doctor this week and it looks like the diagnosis so far is Alzheimer's. this is bad news obviously, but at least we know what the problem is, which I consider a step in the right direction. and even if there's nothing we can do about it, at least we know what we're up against.

yeah, okay, that story kinda' took the wind out of my sails. plus I'm getting tired. back to the Olympics...

duh.

every weekday morning, I get up at 6am, take a shower and watch the news on the couch with Brian until it's time for him to leave for work. then I wake up Hannah and get ready for work. Casey gets up at 6am too, but she just eats breakfast, goes to her room, shuts her door and takes about 20 minutes to get dressed. I like our mornings, and I really enjoy having a few quiet moments before the day starts.

this morning wasn't so quiet though. a commercial came on for a local ski resort, Mad River Mountain and at the end of the commercial, they listed the following web address:

www.skimadriver.com

I told Brian I didn't get it. what does "skim a driver" even mean? he gave me a funny look, and a second later I figured it out...Ski Mad River. duh. at first he thought I was kidding. when I told him I was serious, he spent the rest of the morning laughing about it. so much for the quiet :)

silly girls

the girls decided to learn to knit this weekend. all spur of the moment and everything. I know the basics, thanks to some 4-H when I was a kid, but hadn't done any knitting since junior high. Saturday afternoon we bought an instruction book, some needles and yarn and went home to practice. for hours.



Hannah caught on pretty quickly but Casey struggled a little bit and gave up. I think she'll give it another chance though, once she isn't feeling so frustrated. Hannah loves it, she's learned a ton of stitches and has already requested circular needles, which I got her for Valentine's Day. we've been watching Knitty Gritty on the DIY channel every time we can catch it. she's really into it, which is surprising. anyone who knows Hannah would probably not expect her to knit. but I think that's part of the reason she decided to do it. don't they look so cute?

two months old today

if this picture doesn't make you smile...














there's something wrong with you :)

our godson/nephew is two months old today. he's the smiliest kid I ever saw. Casey called him a smiling fool on Sunday. it's funny cuz it's true!

moving on

thanks everyone, for your sympathy and support. I really appreciate all the kind words. things at work are slowly getting back to normal, which is quite a relief after last week. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday are all tied for the worst work days I've ever had. each one was difficult and exhausting in its own unique way. I spent the weekend not doing a whole lot, other than spending time with hubby and the girls. I slept a lot, and reflected a lot. and even though I still feel the loss of my friend, I've made peace with the fact that she is gone.

I still have a lot of guilt though, everyone here that was close to her does. we all regret that we didn't do more to reach out to her when we knew she was having personal problems. we regret not recognizing that she was depressed to the point where she thought suicide was the only option.

we met with a grief counselor on Friday, who said that people who commit suicide don't usually do it as a spur of the moment decision. that they think it out, plan it out and then carry it out later, when the opportunity arises. I'm not sure I believe that. and I wonder if maybe the thought that it was inevitable is just a ploy to make the rest of us feel better. so we can sleep better at night thinking, "even if I had called her on Tuesday, it wouldn't have made a difference." I don't know...

her family was not from Ohio so there is no funeral for us to attend. I think some of her friends here might be holding a small memorial service some time this week. it will be nice to be able to say goodbye. and I think she would have liked that.

devastation

for all that I pretend that I don't really like people, it's really not true. fear of rejection and ridicule is really what keeps me from having more friends than I do. plus I don't like to let people get too close, because those closest to you can do the most damage if they choose. it's my loss really, I probably miss out on a lot by being so closed up.

yesterday, a wonderfully smart, funny, sweet, kind, thoughtful, peace-loving girl from my work killed herself. we all found out about three hours ago. I knew she was having some problems outside of work. but no one here had any idea how bad it was. obviously, those of us that were close to her are shocked and devastated.

she was one of the few work-people I knew that I considered a friend. I'm glad she knew that. she and I went through a two-month training class together when she first started working here. we answered phones together for about six-months after that. since our office moved last month, she sat on the other side of my cubicle. I could hear her on the phones every day.

it's so tragic and senseless and almost unbelievable. I can't think straight, can barely get any work done. I look at the same piece of paper again and again. my eyes burn from all the tears I've cried so far today. I just keep shaking my head in disbelief, I'm stunned.

I don't think I've ever personally known anyone who committed suicide. it's a completely different kind of grief.

UPDATE

I took a fake sudafed about an hour ago and feel like I'm about to pass out. I never take medicine so even the weakest pills make me feel all weird and hazy.

I made a word cloud. because I think they're funny.

not dead, just dying

man, I feel so terrible. Hannah was sick last week (missed three days of school) and now I must have gotten whatever she had because I am so sick. unfortunately, the first of the month is waaaaay busy so I can't take time off to stay home in bed. that's right. I'm at work, spreading the germs. that's what happens when you don't have a backup, which I've been asking for since October 2003. oh well! other people were sick at work last week and the week before that so the germs were already here before I got sick. so I didn't start it, but I'm not helping either.

we had a lovely weekend, spent lots of time with the kids and some time alone with hubby. we had people over for the Super Bowl on Sunday. what a boring game. plus Seattle got screwed by the refs big time. but we had a good time anyway, hanging out with our favorite people, eating yummy food and yelling at the television :) and I did a ton of scrapbooking, which was awesome.

so yeah, working and this cold or whatever are kicking my ass. good news though: I have an interview with my boss's boss tomorrow for a supervisory position here. I'm sure a million people applied so odds are, I won't get it. not because I'm not qualified (which I totally am) but because most of the other people have been here forever. still, it will be good practice and there's always a chance that I'll get it. so wish my luck with that! and if you want, you can send me some soup and hot tea to make me feel better.

new name, new look

so I moved the blog and updated the template all in the same week. Blog Explosion doesn't like that and won't give me a new thumbnail for 7 days so I'll still get to look at the old template until then. that's cool, I still like that template :) I like this one too, even if it's a bit grey. the original color was a neat green-ish one but I was having trouble with it so I changed it to this one. maybe I'll fix it sometime. maybe not.

we had my parents over for dinner tonight. it was yummy, of course. hubby made ribs and my mom made a cake. I should make more of an effort to see them. it's just hard sometimes, not only because of my resentment towards anyone who was a part of my childhood but also because her memory is getting worse and worse and it frustrates me that she isn't taking care of herself. she told us three times in about an hour that their neighbors moved. good news, though, they're finally going back to the doctor to get more tests run. hopefully, she'll be able to get some sort of diagnosis and then some help.

so the night turned out much better than I thought. we'll have to do that again sometime soon. Brian loves cooking for other people. he's so wonderful.

is it Friday yet?

a link to my blogroll

my blogroll

okay, so I moved the blog. hopefully everyone will find their way here. I sent out about five emails tonight before I got too tired and decided to send the rest tomorrow. sorry to all for the ponderous address, but all the good short ones were taken :) I had to go into hiding because people from my real life were getting a little too close for comfort. or so I imagine.

anyway, here are the pictures of the boy's awesome wallpaper, as vaguely promised:





the first picture is in the stairway to the bedroom, the second one is the wallpaper in the upstairs bedroom. aren't they both awesome? I seriously love them.

and now I'm off to bed...

random info

I think the dog ate a bean burrito from Taco Bell yesterday. Casey left one the kitchen table and the dog had the worst gas ever all afternoon and evening. it really was terrible, I bet she felt awful too.

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hubby has his MRI today, for that head twitching thing that isn't going away. did I mention that his neurologist said that Botox is the preferred treatment for things like that? it's kinda' funny but probably not likely for a while because insurance companies don't like to pay for it.

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Maribeth has an incredibly moving post up today about her daughter. it's beautiful and tragic and made me cry. you should be reading her post instead of this crappy one.

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the boy got a job last week at Wal-Mart! his first day was yesterday. I'm not sure what he'll be doing but I hope he likes it. in other good news, he and his cousin and a friend of theirs moved into a house together this weekend. their friend's dad owns the house so they didn't have to pay a deposit or have the utilities hooked up. he is the baby of the family so his mom bought them all kinds of new stuff, like a vacuum and a microwave and pretty much everything they might need. I think she bought them groceries too.

it's a pretty sweet deal for the boy. that kind of thing doesn't happen very often, if ever. basically he got to move in for free because his cousin paid the rent for him. they're all very excited and the house is pretty nice. I took a couple of pictures that I'll try to post tonight. there is some kick ass wallpaper upstairs that you just have to see :)

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I guess that's about it. I'm moving my blogger address tonight, I think. so let me know if you want the new one. hell, I'll probably give it to you even if you don't ask for it so never mind.

noise aversion

why are there so many people in the office today? I had to come in this weekend and do some end-of-month work (and make up some hours I missed earlier in the week). I expected it to be pretty empty and quiet. it's neither of those things. especially in my area. and the people who are here are loud and talking on cell phones and pissing me off. I should have stayed home.

I hate noise. it doesn't even have to be especially loud. the noise I'm making right now, typing this post, is annoying. people talking louder than necessary, commercials on television, that crunching sound cereal makes when you eat it, the sound you hear when a car window isn't rolled up all the way...it drives me insane. not all noise, just when it's unnecessary. loud music is okay, as long as I like the music. laughter, I love the sound of laughter. I even laugh loudly myself sometimes. okay, lots of times :)

you know, I swear I had a point when I started this post. it seems to have gotten lost. I'm just irritated and I didn't dress warmly enough today so I'm freezing and extra irritable. it's Sunday, dammit. I should be at home, enjoying a qiuet morning, eating a nice breakfast with hubby and watching stupid stuff on tv instead of being at work, freezing my ass off. that what I get for not coming in yesterday. then again, the noise would have probably been worse. working on weekends sucks. hey! I found my point!!!

change is good

I think I might need to change my blogger address soon. if you want the new link, let me know. I probably won't get around to it for a few days, but it's probably going to happen. anonymity = good sometimes :)

blocked

I'm having trouble posting lately. I'm not sure why. I think it's mostly because there's not a whole lot going on in my life right now. things are pretty quiet and any trauma or stress I was going through earlier this month is over, thankfully. we're starting to save up money for a trip to Vegas in October for Brian's birthday so we aren't really doing a whole lot. working, hanging out with the kids, staying home, relaxing. it all sounds so boring, doesn't it? I guess that's the price I pay for normalcy. it's a fair trade :)

you're mean

it's funny to me when I tell hubby he's mean. because it usually involves him teasing me about something ridiculous I've just done or said, which happens a lot. truthfully, he's never mean. to me or anyone else. he's so nice that he doesn't even play SORRY with us that often because he feels bad when he has to move us back to start. it's so sweet, I love that about him!!!

it does remind me how lucky I am to be married to someone who isn't actually mean. because I've been in that situation twice before. apparently I'm a slow learner. but it was all worth it.

hmmmm...

I think I might need to send in a postcard to postsecret sometime soon. not just because it's cool, but because I bet it's so liberating.

good news/bad news/other news

good news: hubby got a promotion at work and a raise! it's so exciting. he works in the office now, or he will in the next few days or so. I'm really so happy for him, because working in the shop made him miserable. and he deserves this, because he is just so smart and he's been a good and loyal employee there forever. plus it's good experience. so yay!

bad news: my brother's stupid girlfriend wrote me a check last week to pay me back for the $100 I lent to her. it f'ing bounced! of course since then, they've broken up. again. and she isn't even attempting to pay me back. so I had to file a stupid police report and have to see someone in the Prosecutor's office on Friday if I want my money. not that there's a guarantee that I'll get it even after I go to all that trouble. but $100 is worth the effort. $110 if I add in the fee from my bank. NEW POLICY: lend money to no one.

other news: my work is moving to a new building tomorrow. which means we get to take half a day off! it will be neat to have a new desk/cubicle on Monday. I know...I'm a dork.

we're ordinary

when hubby and I first started seeing each other, it was magic. like fate. we were so perfectly suited for each other. everyone around us could tell instantly. we could be in a room full of people and get lost in one another. we finished each other's sentences or said the same thing at the same time. we always knew what the other one was thinking.

it was like a movie or a novel, seriously. I had never experienced anything like it. we moved in together after dating for five months and neither of us had ever been happier. when we were apart I would almost count the minutes until I saw him again. we would talk on the phone, send emails, and text message constantly. a year later, he asked me to marry him. and I said yes.

we set the date. it was the second anniversary of our first date. the wedding was wonderful. a short yet meaningful ceremony followed by a casual yet beautiful reception with our families and friends. everything was perfect. we were so much in love and so happy. nothing could touch us.

fast forwarding to the present (fifteen months later), things are still great. I've never been happier. he is even more amazing than before. but the magic isn't quite as magical as it was in the beginning. that spark, that thing that made us feel like we were the first and only people to feel the way we did, is almost gone. real life and real worries and bills and family and all that other bullshit have forced their way into our world and created the tiniest of spaces between us. and just like that, we're ordinary.

we annoy each other, we voluntarily spend time apart. we go days, even weeks, without emailing each other. our timing is off, I don't always know what he's thinking now. we've actually had a fight. we're a happily married couple just like all the other happily married couples we know. how shocking!

he didn't like it at all when I shared that discovery with him the other day. he tried to deny it but we both know the truth. honestly though, I think it's kinda' cool. because nothing in my life has been ordinary before. I do miss it, that little spark, but I guess it was inevitable.

he still makes me the happiest person in the whole world. he can make me smile without even trying. I still get excited when he walks through the door. I miss him whenever we're not together. I love him with all of my heart. we still have the best relationship of any couple I know, it's no contest. we just have to work at us a little harder than we did before. there's nothing wrong with that. or with being ordinary.

I wonder if everyone starts out like we did. I sure hope so.

200

oh wow, that last post was my 200th. I'm really full of it! only about 5 of them are any good :)

while I didn't notice my post count, one thing I have noticed is that I've developed this habit of ducking down at my desk whenever my boss' boss is in my area. hiding from her, because I am apparently her new favorite. this is a good thing and a bad thing. good because she could/would definitely help me move up in the company if I wanted to and she could get me some more money. it's good because it means that she knows I'm good at my job and that I am a person who can get things done quickly and correctly.

it's bad because she is very demanding and expects things to be done right away. bad because she is good at putting a person on the spot and doesn't always remember that she has given you five projects that are due at the same time. but she's mostly fair and I think she's easy to work with (even if most people don't) so it's more good than bad I guess. when I'm extra busy though - like I am this week - I try to stay out of her sight as much as possible. wouldn't you know, that's when I seem to run into her the most...

soooooo tired today...stayed up late, late, late talking to hubby in bed. it was nice, we talked about lots of stuff that we really needed to talk about. I always feel so much better about everything after we talk.

the boy might finally have a job. I'm so excited! unfortunately, it's just at Walmart but at least it's better than having him sitting at home on the computer all day. plus he'll be making some money, which he really needs. so yay!


I got a new t-shirt on Friday. two actually, but I couldn't find a picture of the second one. I love this one though! the other one is a pink tank with that Rolling Stones mouth on it that says "The Rolling Stones" in black. it's pretty cute. and it was on clearance, so yay to that too!

I probably shouldn't have spent the money on either of them but it's been forever since I've bought something for myself. this shirt will be the next one I get. I know...you don't have to say it. but I can't help it, I heart Harry!

got myself a decent little review over at the Bloggy Awards. it's funny because it's true. especially the part where the reviewer says that some of my posts have "a melancholic tone of impending doom..." that's frickin' hilarious!

seriously though, it was a nice review. and I do appreciate it. check it out, if you have the time. the reviewer actually takes the time to check out your site for more than a minute, which is pretty cool. I mean, if this person found his or her way to a positive post in the midst of this manic-depressive mess, it must have taken a while :)

brokeback mountain

my sister and I saw Brokeback Mountain yesterday afternoon. it was such an incredible movie. everything good I had heard about it was true, it was beautifully shot, well-acted and touching. the love story was completely believable and I'm still thinking about the characters more than 24 hours later.

of course we couldn't get either of our husbands to see it with us, which was probably for the best. I was distracted enough by the couple in their 70s that was sitting beside us. as soon as they sat down, I knew that they had no idea what the movie was actually about. and as soon as the first love scene started, the husband started squirming around in his seat, whispering things to his wife.

I felt bad for them. because they obviously didn't intend to put themselves in that situation. and because I couldn't help but giggle at their predicament behind my hand. poor old guy did a lot of squirming :) but they were mostly respectful and did stay for the entire movie, much to my surprise.

the story itself reminded me of a situation in my own life, trying to live a life that you didn't really believe in. trying to hold on to a few small moments of happiness that you managed to find with someone in the same situation as you. it's not enough though, two half-lives don't equal a whole one. but it does make for a great movie!

sober post

I'm so glad I didn't get online when I got home last night. we spent the evening at my youngest sister's house playing board games and having a few drinks. at least that was the plan. we only actually played one game and didn't even follow the rules, so technically, we all just sat around and drank and laughed and acted stupid. it was fun. for me. apparently Brian had a headache and was ready to leave at least an hour before we left.

I hate it when that happens. because I feel like I was being too self-centered to realize that he wasn't enjoying himself. and I feel like he was just sitting there being miserable without telling me and probably feeling resentful about me not noticing him being miserable. I didn't even know he had a headache until we went to bed and he, uh, you know, turned me down when I asked him if he wanted to have sex. so yeah, I got the "not tonight, dear. I have a headache." excuse. at least it was true!

still, it isn't fun to be rejected, no matter the reason. and my fragile little ego can't handle even the slightest hint of rejection. so I feel bad about me and about us and always assume that something is wrong that he's not telling me. I blow things out of proportion and get depressed and each night it gets worse and worse.

yeah, doesn't it sound like a treat to be married to me? who wouldn't want to have sex with a mess like that? and isn't this post the best one yet? now imagine if I had written it last night...scary.

so confused

I wish people didn't have to change. I wish things could've stayed the same. can I have a rewind button? I'd like to go back to a time when things weren't so messed up. but I bet I'd end up right here again. because I don't learn.

got some good traffic yesterday from someone in Iowa doing an MSN search for "far from good blog." I'm glad s/he wasn't disappointed!!!

ps - I heart Deni Bonet. she's hilarious and sweet and talented and all kinds of other good stuff :)

work kicked my ass hard-core today. and I was already feeling mixed up and tired and just completely out of it. great day for a crisis, huh? and an almost-mental breakdown. don't you wish you worked with me?

my lunch disgusts me almost as much as I disgust myself today.

yay!!!

my statcounter finally hit 10,000! I really am so excited, but I don't know why. I put that thing up in May and have been obsessed with it ever since. I love seeing the numbers go up, I love knowing that people are reading my stupid posts. and I am so thankful to everyone who has spent any of their time here when they could have been looking at porn. you guys are the best :)

Happy New Year!!!

last night was so much fun! too much fun judging by the way I feel today :) it started out rocky, because my brother was there, upset because his "girlfriend" was messing with his head and his heart. it killed me to see my carefree, happy brother crying over some stupid bitch who isn't worth crying over. he came to the bar with us but left after about an hour. I hated seeing him like that. and it was really hard to enjoy myself knowing that he was home alone, upset. but I knew that I was ruining everyone else's good time by sitting at our table crying so I tried to get over it. and after a few drinks, I did manage to forget for the night.

we went with a bunch of friends and family to see my brother-in-law's band play at a local bar. it's always so much fun going to their shows. and this was especially fun because it was within walking distance from my sister's house, where we all stayed last night. it was great not to have to worry about driving home. and we had been looking forward to this night for weeks.

the band sounded great, all our favorite people were there. I took literally 100 pictures. some of them were really good, some of them were really funny and some were terrible. I love my digital camera. there was champagne and food at midnight and everyone had such a good time. we got "home" at about 2:30 and Brian and I immediately went to sleep.

the next morning, Brian made breakfast for those who could stand to eat and then we all sat around in my sister's living room for three hours, looking at everyone's digital pictures and telling stories that some of us had forgotten. it was the perfect way to spend the morning after such a crazy night. we came home at about 1:00 and we've been relaxing and recovering all day. I am so glad we both have tomorrow off from work. otherwise, I'd be in bed already.

tomorrow afternoon/night we're going back to my sister's to watch the Fiesta Bowl (Go BUCKS!). I highly doubt that any of us will feel like having a beer. I know I won't! but it's still going to be fun watching the game with them. she and her husband are my favorite people in the whole world to hang out with, other than Brian and the kids. plus there's already a big pot of chili waiting for us. can't wait!

resolutions - a few days early

dude, resolutions suck. but as one of my favorite bloggers, karlababble, said earlier this week, it's a tradition. you should definitely check out her resolutions, because they are so good you'll want to steal them for yourself.

so, yeah...resolutions. shit, I don't know. I have so much room for improvement, it's hard to narrow it down to a list that's not overwhelming! I'll shoot for the top five:

1. eat healthier. or at the very least, stop eating so much crap. it should be easy enough. a few years ago, I completely changed my diet, started working out and lost about 50 pounds. then I met my wonderful future husband and stopped going to the gym, he took me out to dinner all the time and I gained it back. good times. which leads to my next resolution

2. be more active. I don't mean working out five or six times a week but it would be almost impossible to be less active so this one is kinda' cheating. although I guess I do have the option of keep my activity level exactly the same. I need to take walks, play tennis, do yoga. you get the idea.

3. take more pictures. this will be a big step towards professional photography, which is my ultimate career goal. and I haven't really made any strides in that direction in quite a while. it's pathetic really, I just need to get out and do it. no excuses.

4. find a job that doesn't make me die. or at least get more money for what I'm doing here. there are a lot of things that I do that no one else knows how to do and I have no backup for any of my responsibilities. some of my reports are read by the boss of my boss. and her boss and his boss. so yeah, it's a big deal. but I'm not really comfortable saying, "you guys would be so screwed if I left. I need more money." I need to be that kind of person. or I need to do something else. because my work is not valued here. screw that.

5. be more patient. with everyone. my kids, my husband, my mother, my sister, my co-workers, the outside world in general. I would have a lot more peace in my life if I could just let things go and not take them personally. and peace = good, I need peace.

so, that's done. of course I could go on for days but I think I'll stop at five. I really should try to spend more time and care on my appearance. and I should blog better. and do more house cleaning. and, wait, enough already. jeez, I'm not trying to be perfect.

love it!

I finally got tired of the clump of gray on my side part and dyed my hair this color:



ps - yes, my skin is really that white ;) and I put up a different picture on my photoblog.

x-mas

our weekend was lovely, as most of them are, aside from my mini-meltdown Friday night. I'll have to post some x-mas pictures this week. x-mas eve was so much fun, almost my whole family was there. we joked, laughed, ate, drank, talked and opened presents. it was completely exhausting though. by 8:30 I was ready for bed, but mean Brian wouldn't let me go to sleep that early. luckily the kiddos were tired too so we filled stockings at about 9:30 and I was asleep by 10:00.

our new x-mas morning tradition (since we moved in with Brian) is to wake up early and open presents and then drive over to Brian's brother's house for a yummy breakfast and gift exchange. his brother works third shift so we have to be over there before 9:00, which means we have to get up at about 7:00 to open our presents first. bleh. I hate getting up early, especially when I have the day off. but it's worth it because we always have a good time with his family and they're always so generous with the kids, which is the most important thing anyway.

Brian made a delicious x-mas dinner and his mommy came over with more wonderful presents. I really got some great gifts this year, including Simpsons' Clue, which is freakin' hilarious. Mr. Smithers as Mrs. White is my favorite, even though Hannah picked him/her every time we played.

everyone liked all their presents. Casey got a bunch of gift cards and money to spend on books at Borders and Barnes and Noble so she was really happy about that. and Brian made her a beautiful bookcase because she had already filled up her old one. Hannah and Stephen got lots of new clothes and some money too so they are happy teenagers.

I got exactly what I wanted this year. we are all together and everyone is healthy and happy. I know that's sappy and cliché but that's how I am sometimes. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday (or weekend if holidays aren't your thing). I'm looking forward to reading all about it as soon as you get back to your normal blogging schedules!

ps - am I the only one working today?

x-mas eve eve meltdown

yesterday was Brian's work x-mas party. they always have it at the "office" which he thinks is terrible. but the bosses bring in food and drinks and people can bring alcohol, which is pretty cool. they just hang out and listen to music and talk and eat. it sounds fun to me!

I agreed to pick him up afterwards, because his car is still broken. he called at about 5:00 and said that the party was moving to his boss' house so they could play pool. he gave me directions to get there since I had no idea where it was. I've been there twice, I think, but never paid attention to how to get there.

it was already dark by the time I left home. and I'm nervous driving by myself at night, plus the lights from other cars hurt my eyes. I had a vague idea of where I was going but still felt a little lost. their house is out in the country so the streets weren't lit up at all. I tried to follow his directions but just couldn't find the street.

I drove around for about half an hour, getting more and more upset that I couldn't get there. I didn't know the phone number and the battery on Brian's cell phone was dead so I couldn't call him. it was awful. he finally called me to see where I was and I just started crying. he tried to comfort me and even apologized for not giving me good directions but that just made me feel worse. he told me to just go back home, that he could have someone bring him home later.

I felt so worthless, like a huge pain in the ass and a complete burden. I couldn't even do this one simple thing, couldn't follow simple directions. I made him worry and then feel bad for something that wasn't even his fault. it was terrible.

then to top it off, I forgot to go to his parents' house to feed their cats last night until after he got home. and we had to go over there at 10:00 last night to do it. because I was too afraid to go over there (or anywhere) by myself in the dark.

I am so lucky and thankful to have such a wonderful husband who takes care of me and understands me and loves me. but sometimes I can't help feeling like he's going to get tired of all of my bullshit one day. he says that will never happen and that he doesn't ever consider me a burden. but it's still something I worry about from time to time.

so busy :|

this week was supposed to be nice and calm and ordinary. just a normal week until Saturday. but one of Brian's teeth broke over the weekend, so I had to schedule an appointment for him with the dentist on Tuesday. the dentist couldn't pull the tooth so we had to schedule an appointment with the oral surgeon on Wednesday. he also had an appointment Wednesday morning with the neurologist about his head twitching thing, but I rescheduled that one.

his car isn't working right now (the alarm is flipping out and not letting the car start) so I had to leave work at 11:30 to take him in to have the tooth removed. when we were about ten minutes away from the office, he realized that he forgot the x-ray that our dentist had done yesterday. and of course, the oral surgeon would need that x-ray and of course, we were about 30 minutes away from home.

luckily, our dentist was close by. unluckily, they were out to lunch until 1:00. I called them at 1:00 and they made a copy of the x-ray. I drove to their office after leaving Brian at the oral surgeon's to fill out paperwork and drove back with his x-ray. by this time it was about 1:45. I was starving and have trouble with low blood sugar so I had to leave after they took him back. I somehow managed to find the world's slowest McDonald's and by the time I got back to the dentist place, it was about 2:30 and he had just finished. poor guy, he looked really miserable and tired and sore.

we drove home and I had to keep him awake the whole time because his gums were bleeding. I know he was just exhausted, and in terrible pain. it must have been very frustrating not to be able to just lie down and sleep. he ended up not going to sleep until about 10:00 but by then he was feeling a lot better. still a little sore, of course. but much better.

I'm so happy he's doing better. he was still sore this morning but he did sleep through the night for the first time since Saturday. he went back to work this morning, which was also nice. missing two days without any vacation or sick time left is going to hurt next week. but it wasn't avoidable so there's no point in complaining about it. I'm just thankful that it happened after the x-mas stuff was done.

in other news, the head twitching thing may be something called Essential Tremor. his dad has it and it's hereditary. he's had the hand-shaking thing since high school. it seems to fit so we hope that's all it is. his rescheduled appointment with the neurologist is next month, so wish us luck!

new template

well, the new template is up. of course I still have a lot more work to do on it. but when I was putting it up last night, the laptop froze and I had to start over so this one just has the basics. I think I like it. it's hard to tell from work because I can't see any of the graphics.

so anyway, let me know what you think. or not.

random crap

1. I am done x-mas shopping!!! it's so exciting! last year we actually had to go out on x-mas eve day to buy things for the kids. Ohio was in the middle of a terrible snow/ice storm that was so bad, my work closed for three days. and yeah, we were driving around in it, like idiots. not this year though!
2. our nephew is doing very well. he came home Friday afternoon and is just adorable and tiny and sweet. I need to take some more pictures of him for scrapbooking.
3. I cut my hair yesterday. it's about three inches shorter than it was. since I couldn't reach the very back in the center, Casey had to cut that part for me. she was a little nervous but it looks just fine.
4. hopefully tonight, I will be changing my blogger template. I have two lovely graphics picked out for the header. I just hope I don't screw it up too badly. I make no guarantees!
5. we are having my family over for x-mas Saturday night. there will be about 25 people in our house. it's going to be loud and crowded but there will be a ton of great food and plenty to drink and I can't wait! Brian and I have not ever hosted x-mas eve together. so that will be nice too :)

baby

our new nephew/godson was born at 2:45 this afternoon! his lungs were fully developed but for some reason, he had trouble breathing so he had to be put under an oxygen hood for a couple of hours. his blood sugar was a little low so he has a tiny little IV in his right arm. but he is doing well now and he's just beautiful. don't you agree?

work rant

I challenge anyone here who thinks my job is so fucking easy to handle everything I do for one month. no one else in this whole company could do what I do as well as I do it or as efficiently. you think "someone" dropped the ball? why don't you pick it up for a change? you don't feel comfortable doing your job and need me to do your dirty work? big surprise.

by the way, I notice you feel perfectly fine cashing your paycheck, which is most likely bigger than mine.

confession:

I think I'm becoming a chronic re-gifter. I know it's not nice but in my defense, I only re-gift things I got from gift exchanges or from someone who felt obligated to buy me something. you know, those "I-bought-something-for-everyone-here-and-this-is-for-you" types. and it's not that I'm not grateful or appreciative. it's just usually stuff that I don't need that someone else may enjoy more. so yeah, it's awful, I know. but I'm still doing it. after all, it's the thought that counts, right?

x-mas #2

we celebrated Christmas on Saturday with Brian's dad and stepmom. they had a big party at his stepsister's house and it was just lovely, as usual. there was tons of delicious food, and everyone is always so nice and funny and generous. seriously, they spend way too much money on all of us. and from the first time I spent the holiday with them, they have treated me and my kids like family. they really are incredible people, I do love his family.

his grandfather lives in Indiana so he just gives us money to do his shopping for him. we buy presents for the kids and for each other, wrap them up and bring them to the Christmas party so he can watch us open them and see what he got us! it's silly, but fun. and he always makes jokes about how much shopping he had to do. this year, grandpa bought me a foot spa, a xyron machine for scrapbooking and a Harry Potter DVD box set.

I also got a book by my favorite author, the new Fiona Apple CD, more scrapbooking stuff, a new scarf, hat and gloves set and a bunch of other stuff. see what I mean? they're too much.

we all had a great time. and our next Christmas party will be the one at our house with my family. it's going to be so much fun! I love this time of year.

money really doesn't buy happiness

whenever I get stressed out about money, which I am a little now, I think back to the only time in my life when I wasn't stressed out about money and instantly feel better. because the only time I was never worried about money was during my second marriage and I was so miserable and unhappy and suicidal then. no amount of money is worth feeling like that. I am much richer for leaving all of that behind and making a new start with the most incredible man I have ever met.

Crash

we had a department meeting at work yesterday during lunch. the boss provided pizza and we were supposed to watch Crash. you know, because it's all about stereotypes and my work is all about diversity. I'm so sick of that word. diversity. like corporations really give a shit.

anyway, the movie seemed really good but I didn't get to see the whole thing. my boss's boss pulled me out to look something up for her boss and then I left early because my annoying/lingering cough was probably too disruptive. and afterwards, no one really wanted to say much about it, which is cool. it's on our list of movies to rent anyway. right after the Dukes of Hazzard. so I wouldn't want anyone to ruin it for me.

I think it was a bit much for a lot of them. a big fat look at the reality that most of them never see. parts of it were slightly exaggerated, in my opinion. it's been my experience that racist comments are made under one's breath. but in the movie, they were shouted out for everyone to hear. or maybe things are different in bigger cities, I don't know.

I do want to watch the movie, although I probably wouldn't want my kids to see it yet. we all learn about the ugliness in this world eventually. maybe they'll be lucky enough to not see it until they're much older. it's not very likely, but I can hope.

what the hell?! this really isn't funny anymore. we watched about twenty minutes of the "game" last night before Brian had to change the channel. by then, I had already cussed three times and Casey had to get out of bed to ask me to stop yelling at the television.

I'm really not one to get angry at my team when they aren't playing so great, but this is getting ridiculous. at least they lost to Seattle this week. stupid football.

so, yesterday was my one year blogiversary. I've been writing on this thing for a whole year! it doesn't seem like it's been that long though. looking back through my archives, this past year hasn't always been easy. but in spite of all the rough days, I've never been happier. I've written a lot of silly, pointless stuff but I've also written things that I'm really proud of. I've written things that were painful, personal, and ugly and things that I probably shouldn't have written at all.

this blog is so therapeutic, it's been a place where I can say anything. and almost everyone who has been here has been wonderful. I am so thankful to anyone who has spent any amount of time reading anything that I have written. and even more thankful for everyone's comments.

to everyone on my blogroll, I feel like I actually know all of you, like we're all friends. I genuinely care about what is going on in your lives and am always anxious to read updates. it's amazing how connected a person can feel to someone they've never even met, isn't it?

anyway, happy blogiversary to me! and thanks again, Ian, for making me start this thing.

still sick...but at least it's Friday!

I can't breathe through my nose. the
inside of my chest has to be bruised
from all the coughing. my head is so
killing me. I need to soak in a tub of
this stuff all weekend. before I die.
<--------- no really.

our first date

Indigo asked this question on her blog:

Do you remember your first date and where did you go?

I thought I had already posted this here but apparently not. anyway...

the first time Brian and I went out by ourselves, we started the night at his bar. (why are boys so bad at planning an evening out?) we spent most of our time there with this older couple, who eventually turned out to be my sister's aunt and uncle-in-law. they were both really funny. there were a lot of people there that Brian knew, I only knew him but everyone was very, very nice to me. it's such a great place, we always have the best time there because the people are just so damn nice.

at one point Brian got up to go to the restroom and an older guy that he knows was talking to me while he was gone about how his daughter wanted to get her tongue pierced. he was confused about why anyone would want to do that. Brian came back from the bathroom and asked what we were talking about. I tried to subtly kick him on the leg to tell him to drop it. but since we didn't know each other that well, he didn't get the hint and proceeded to tell this guy that a tongue piercing is used for sexual pleasure, not realizing, obviously, that we were talking about the man's 19 year old daughter!

the guy didn't really say much after that. he just kind of wandered off, probably offended by our poorly hidden laughter after I whispered to Brian what he had just done. Brian said that the poor guy was probably too drunk to remember it. I guess he was right because when he sees us, he's still just as sweet as before.

I love to tell that story because Brian is still a little embarassed about the whole thing. I think he learned his lesson though. he knows that if I kick him before he starts talking in the middle of a conversation, he probably shouldn't say what he was just about to say.

we left the bar shortly before midnight and took a walk at the park. we sat in one of the wooden swings and made out for a little while, then he took me to Waffle House. it probably doesn't sound like much but it really was a great night. we talked and laughed a lot and I really felt so comfortable with him right away. before we started seeing each other, he was planning to move to Florida with a friend. that night, on our first date, he told me that he had changed his mind and was staying in Ohio. I get all girly and warm inside just remembering that.

one of my favorite things about x-mas is getting to do some shopping with Brian, even though he hates shopping. I like getting to spend time with him alone. I like walking around the stores holding his hand, looking at things for ourselves that we like but can't afford. he has the best taste (not just in women!) and a real artist's eye for color and lines and design. we usually have a quiet lunch somewhere and sometimes stop for a drink after we're done for the day. it's just nice...there's no other word for it.

no point. sorry.

you know you're sleeping with a musician when you wake up with a small piece of E-string in your t-shirt.

you know you're not a musician yourself if you have to ask a friend, "what is the skinniest guitar string?"

feeling a lot better today. like 200% better than yesterday but that's not really saying much because yesterday I felt like complete crap. still, it's an improvement. right now I'm on cold medicine and need to go to sleep. I know it's only 8:00, I told you I was getting old.

Brian is going to make me a Bee Gees mix CD later. I'm so excited!!!

I'm an idiot...I just posted this to my photo blog. damn medicine's making me stupid.

one more reason why I love him so much

he comforts me when I have nightmares, which doesn't happen as often as it used to, even if I wake him up at 2am and he has to be up at 4:30. he'll put his arm around me as I cry and he'll hold me until I stop. he'll stay close long after he thinks I've gone back to sleep and he always makes sure I'm okay the next morning. there is no doubt in my mind that I am the luckiest woman in the whole world to be married to such an incredible man.

I'm sick. I feel so awful. my head is killing me, my throat feels like it's swollen shut. but I can't stay home because it's the end of the month and I'm way too busy right now. if I take a day off, I will be majorly screwed for the rest of the week. so, my plan is to finish up as much as I can today as quickly as possible so I can go home and rest up for tomorrow. why am I blogging then, if I'm trying to get done and get out of here? because the f'ing system is taking all day to do even the simplest things. this only happens when I'm completely overwhelmed with things to do. :( I wish I had a laptop and could work from home in bed. but I'm not important enough to get a laptop so I'm forced to sit here in my cubicle and be miserable. I'm really trying not to spread germs, but I doubt if it's working.

i see you

thanksgiving was lovely, as I knew it would be. we went to Brian's brother's for "dinner" and everything was great. there was a ton of food, all of it was delicious, and we brought home tons of leftovers. his family is so nice, I really like them all. after dinner, my family met at my sister's house for dessert and coffee. my parents didn't make it, because it was too cold out for them, but we still had fun.

Friday we didn't go shopping, which was very cool. Brian cleaned the whole garage all by himself. it looks so good now! we pretty much stayed home until it was time to pick up Stephen at the airport. I am so happy to have him back. we're just not a whole family without him. I don't know what it is, but he has this effortless way of bringing us all closer together, especially the girls. without him around, they don't really spend any time together unless we're all doing something. but the three of them were doing something pretty much all weekend. video games, cards, board games, DVDs. it's wonderful. I hope things continue to go well, I hope he can live with us and follow our rules. I know he's going to try, which means a lot.

Saturday night, Brian and I went to see my brother-in-law's band playing in Lancaster, which is about an hour away. we rode up with him and my sister and didn't get home until 4:30 am on Sunday. bleh. it was crazy, but we had a great time at the show and met some really funny people. I took some awesome pictures, including this one that I posted to my photo blog for photo friday. it was almost worth the lack of sleep :)

Sunday afternoon I took the kids minus Hannah (she had band practice) to the mall for a little x-mas shopping. it actually wasn't crowded at all. at least no more than it usually is. still, I think we'll try to avoid any more trips there. it's so much easier to shop online. as a matter of fact, I've already spent $120 online just this afternoon. I think maybe it's a little too easy :)

it's official. I'm old.

big surprise, I know. truthfully, I've been old for years but either haven't realized it or haven't wanted to admit it, I'm not sure which. I can remember being able to stay out until 3am and still get up at 8am for work the next day. every weekend. I could drink as much as I wanted and not even feel it the next day. hell, it wasn't even that long ago! now, if I'm not in bed by 10pm I have to struggle to get up on time. so forget going out on a weekday. and a hangover will sometimes last for two days. screw that! it's not even worth it anymore. and if we're going to be out past 1am, I need to take a nap before we go.

see what I mean? old...it's a little pathetic actually. but you'll have that.

so the wedding we went to on Saturday was wonderful. the bride was so beautiful and the ceremony seemed to go smoothly. the reception was amazing and lots of fun. the groom works with Brian and they're fairly good friends outside of work too so it was really nice to be there to see him get married. he's a great guy, a lot of fun and his new wife is a wonderful, smart, sweet person. we're just so happy for them both.

one thing I didn't know before this weekend is that even though they had been together for more than five years and have been living together for most of that time, they were waiting until after they got married to have sex. I knew that they had separate bedrooms but I thought it might just be for their families. apparently not.

I was surprised, not only because he is so pervy and sex-obsessed (in a good natured, harmless way of course), but also because it seems pretty uncommon these days. or maybe it's not all that uncommon, I don't know. but to live together and build a relationship for that long and then bring sex into it seems a little risky in my opinion.

not that I am judging them at all, it's impressive more than anything else. I just know that it wouldn't work for me. I don't think I could make that commitment without knowing whether or not we were physically compatible. I know, there are ways to be intimate without having sex. but it's not the same thing.

I don't really know what the point of this post is supposed to be...seems like I had one when I started it.

our weekend in reverse: Harry Potter was wonderful, such a great movie! I loved it. and I want to see it again already. the wedding was beautiful, everything was so nice and the food was delicious and there was free beer and a chocolate fountain. our godson/nephew's birthday party was fun. there were a ton of people there and he got lots of presents. ours was the best though, we bought him a sit n spin. remember those? he really seemed to love it.

great weekend. and a three day work week coming up! plus the boy is coming home. things didn't work out in Utah, I guess. I'm really excited and happy that he's coming back. thinking about not having him home for the holidays was really making me depressed.

speaking of depressed, Brian's eye/forehead twitch isn't going away. it seems like it's getting worse but that's probably just because I keep watching it. still, I'm calling our doctor tomorrow to see what he thinks. I wish we had at least some idea of what it might be.

enough worrying. peach pie is waiting for me in the kitchen. and Family Guy is going to be on in about ten minutes.

UPDATE: yay, posted a picture. look how cute he is!!!

• our godson is two today! I would show you his most recent picture but blogger and flickr are being bad words and won't let me upload it. maybe later.
• work is kicking my ass this week. I've been so busy it's ridiculous. but I have gotten three free lunches and a Lands End pullover with my work's name on it so far. good lunches too, not fast food or pizza. I'm not sure if that makes up for all the stress or not though. and I have discovered that I cannot stand working with people who don't know how to prioritize. if your boss's boss's boss wants something, that means drop whatever else you're doing and get it to him. it's really not rocket science.
• our doctor wasn't able to find out what is wrong with Brian but at least his blood pressure is pretty normal. if he's not better in a week or so, he's supposed to go see a neurologist. yeah, that doesn't make me any less worried.
• I'm the only one who thinks I'm funny. for example, I recently said to someone that watching a movie with me and my kids is probably like watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 except that we sit in the back and we're not funny. I don't know why that cracks me up. oh, wait. yes I do, it's because I think I'm funny.
• Kim was right. those chocolate covered espresso beans from Target are delicious! I've been thinking about them all afternoon.
• I actually get to leave on time today. first time this week!

I'm really worried about Brian right now. he has had this weird forehead constant twitching thing going on for more than a week. I did convince him to go to the doctor though. when I called yesterday to make an appointment for him, I was transferred back to a nurse after I described his symptoms to the receptionist. the nurse tried to get him to come in at 4:30 that same day, which wasn't doable for us since we're sharing a car right now. when I told her that he couldn't make it then and asked for an appointment the next day, she said that she thought he should go to Convenient Care because she wanted him to be seen right away.

I couldn't get him to go last night. what is it with men and going to the doctor? but I did get him an appointment for this afternoon so hopefully we'll have a better idea of what is going on later today. his dad has a bad heart and probably other health issues that I don't know about. I'm just so afraid that it's going to be something serious.

Hannah is...

MUSICAL


FASHIONABLE


DARING


AND EASY TO STORE AWAY!


SHE ENJOYS SPENDING
TIME WITH HER PEERS


AND SHE LOOKS
GREAT IN A HAT!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HANNAH!!!
LOVE, YOUR MOM

November 14, 1988

today is Hannah's birthday!!! she is 17 now. I can't even believe it.

she is a wonderful kid. so funny and smart and silly and responsible and talented and creative. I just love her so much and am so proud of her. she is the most original person I have ever met and she always stands by her convictions, even if it gets her in trouble :)

I had such an easy time being pregnant with Hannah. and an easy labor and delivery. this time I knew the routine and that made it go a lot smoother. I didn't go to the hospital until the last minute and we were only there about an hour before she was born. she came in the middle of the night and the nurse put her in my arms about ten minutes after she arrived. it was so different from when Stephen was born. I didn't get to hold him until he was a few days old because he was so sick.

I could not get enough of her though. she was so adorable, had a head full of dark hair, long, slender fingers and the tiniest face I had ever seen. two hours after the delivery, I was in the nursery, asking them to put her in my room, where she stayed until we left. we were out of the hospital in two days and she was an incredibly easy-going baby.

Stephen adored her, he couldn't get enough of her either. I would always find him standing beside her bassinette when she was sleeping, just watching her with his little hands behind his back. they were always so close. it was sweet the way he would watch out for her and she followed him around whenever she could.

she was such a smart little kid. she would come up with the funniest things. whenever she did something wrong and I asked if it was her, she would always say "no, the wind did it." and once when I caught her playing somewhere she shouldn't have been, her response was "it wasn't me. it was a little girl that looked just like me!"

she was shy around strangers and didn't like to talk to anyone besides her immediate family. when she was three, she made her right hand into Mr. Hand, who would do all her talking for her. I have a couple of great pictures of Mr. Hand and Hannah, I should have scanned one for this post because it was so freakin' cute.

she did well in school and had quite a few friends. her brother was always her best friend though and the two of them were practically inseparable. it was hard for her when Stephen went to middle school but she adjusted and did just fine. in fifth grade, she was put into the gifted students class, which was really cool. they met once or twice a week instead of going to regular classes and she seemed to enjoy it. once she got to middle school though, it wasn't really her thing. so she quit going and just took more advanced classes.

high school started out a little rough. Stephen was having a lot of trouble going to school and his grades were awful. we had such a hard time with him and it somehow seemed to affect Hannah too. her grades dropped and I couldn't find a way to motivate her to improve. she would spend all her time at home in her room and would stay up all night sometimes. I would notice cuts and other marks on her arms and knew from my experiences that she was cutting herself.

no matter what I did, she just couldn't seem to get over whatever she was dealing with. she wouldn't talk to me about it, but I know that she was emailing and calling a younger cousin of mine that was closer to her in age. my cousin got her to open up and explain what was wrong. when she started to get in over her head, she told my aunt what was going on. by that time, we had taken Hannah to see a social worker who advised us to see our family doctor. she was prescribed Prozac for a chemical imbalance that was causing her to feel depressed.

she did seem to improve on the pills but said that she didn't like the way they made her feel numb. she also didn't ever connect with any of the psychologist we took her to, so eventually she stopped going and stopped taking her pills. but I think that she was starting to feel better about things in general and I noticed that there weren't as many marks on her arm. we arranged for her to go visit my cousin for a month and I think that helped a lot too, having someone to talk to who understood her and accepted her and loved her just for being herself.

shortly after she got home and pretty much all of a sudden, her grades started to improve and her attitude and outlook were 100% better. I'm still not sure how or why it happened. it probably wasn't from me constantly keeping an eye on her whenever possible or all the positive reinforcement we gave her about what a wonderful person she is or the attention we gave her whenever she would let us. I think she just grew up a little and realized that whatever was bothering her wasn't worth hurting herself over.

and now she's back to being the wonderful kid that she used to be. I am enjoying time with her more than ever. she's so funny and silly and clever and smarter than anyone I know. she's a talented artist and an incredible musician. she plays drums and guitar and bass and keyboards. yesterday Casey said that she could be a band all by herself :) she's helpful around the house, she takes care of her sister and we can trust her to do the right thing when she's out with her friends. she's turning into a healthy, responsible adult and that's all any parent could want. I'm so incredibly proud to know her and even more proud to be her mom.

Brian and I both had to work today. I hate working on the weekends. and right now, his car is broken so I had to drop him off at 7am, which meant that I had to get up at 6am. bleh. we had about ten minutes to spare before it was time to leave so he watched the news and I did some scrapbooking. I don't know why he thought that was weird :)

he's still not feeling all the way better so we're just staying home this weekend. it will be nice to just sit around and relax. next weekend we have a birthday party on Friday, a wedding on Saturday and we're taking Hannah to Magic Mountain for her birthday on Sunday. yikes! and at some point we have to fit in time to see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, which I have been waiting months for. it's finally here and we might not have time to see it. that totally sucks. although I guess it wouldn't be too tragic if we had to wait until Thanksgiving weekend to see it.

off to look up cheesecake recipes. Brian has new springform pans to try out!!!

at 4:00 yesterday afternoon, the guy in the cubicle right beside me put four tickets for a Columbus Blue Jackets game on my desk and asked me if I could use them. the only problem was, the game was last night. I had never been to a hockey game and it kinda' sounded like fun. so I called Brian to see if he was interested and convinced him to go when he said that he was tired.

then I called my sister to see if she and her husband wanted to go with us. she did, but he was supposed to have band practice. luckily, he was on his cell phone talking to the guy who couldn't make it to practice. I didn't even have to trick her into promising him sexual favors for skipping practice, it got cancelled all by itself.

the game was so much fun! except for all the fights. Brian said that those are the only reason for watching hockey but I definitely could have done without them. the Jackets won, which is unusual apparently.

we had a couple of beers and some nachos and some laughs with our favorite couple to hang out with and got home at about 10:30. today though Brian stayed home sick. I guess I should have listened when he said that he was tired last night. bad wife. poor sick husband.

I'm post-crazy today!

four girls in my department are pregnant. all of them are in their 20s. one of them is the cool younger chick that sits across from me. I love hearing them talk about being pregnant. and seeing their ultrasound pictures and tiny little baby clothes. it reminds me of how much I loved it when I was pregnant. it was the best. little or no morning sickness, easy/short labors and deliveries. sometimes I actually miss it :)

but those days are over for me. besides, while I might have enough patience to take care of a newborn, I definitely don't have enough energy anymore. I get tired just thinking about all the work that goes into it. I do regret not being able to have a child with Brian but he says that being a father to the kids we already have is enough. we'll have to settle for being godparents I guess.

I had a friend in high school who loved Supertramp, which seems kinda' pretentious now. I mean really, what kind of 16 year old's favorite band is Supertramp? he was that guy who liked to listen to stuff that no one else really listened to. and he was always condescending when he knew something that you didn't. not just about music, about everything.

he was really smart too so chances were, he thought he was better than you. he was funny though, in a cutting way, and could be nice when he wanted to be. I "dated" him for about two weeks when Jimmy and I were broken up for reasons I don't even remember. he tried to tell me he loved me and that I was "one of the beautiful people." see what I mean? prententious. but it didn't matter, I knew he wasn't who I wanted to be with. it was Jimmy, always Jimmy. no one else even came close. besides, he was also in love with my best friend who was dating his best friend.

eventually, the two of them got together although she was seeing him on the side while still dating his best friend. according to her, sex with him was just better than sex with her boyfriend. she was really jealous that we had "gone out" but that didn't stop them from getting her pregnant halfway through our senior year. I was devastated when I found out, because I knew what a jerk he was and that he had cheated on her with a choir skank.

I remember that day so well. our good friend Bill took me out to lunch and broke the news because she was too scared to tell me herself. I couldn't believe it, I cried for the rest of the day. I wanted to tell Jimmy but he was home sick. I tried all afternoon to call him, which was scary because he wasn't allowed to talk to me and I was afraid to get him in trouble, but there was no answer. I even walked to his house and knocked on the door but he didn't hear me. it was one of those times when I needed him so desperately but he couldn't be there.

but as for my friend, there was nothing to be done about it. they got married a month or two before graduation and their son was born in August. he had a year of school left so he made arrangements to go to school in the mornings and work in the afternoons and evenings until he graduated. I don't know how they did it. it couldn't have been easy. they had another son two years after the first one was born and a third boy a few years after that. they had more than their share problems and at one point, they were separated for a couple of years because she was having an affair with her old boyfriend/his best friend from high school. talk about karma! he came out to Ohio to stay with me for a couple of weeks because he said he was feeling too depressed and suicidal in Colorado. she really hated that and told him that if he came back, they could get back together. she still kept seeing her old boyfriend though so that didn't exactly work out like he had hoped.

eventually, they did get back together. she attended and finished college and became a teacher. he didn't go to college that I know of, unless it was after we lost touch. I haven't seen any of them in about 10 years or more. it's kinda' sad really. she was my best friend since the fourth grade. we knew almost everything about each other, she was like a sister. we exchanged letters for a few years but time and distance and life in general made it too easy to lose contact with her.

I did hear from her husband a few years ago, I don't know how he found me. maybe from Classmates.com. he said that he wanted me to move back to Colorado and have an affair with him. I'm pretty sure he was kidding but still...what a jerk.

one more reason why you should be glad you're not married to me - like you really need another :)

I am completely silly and out of control and obnoxious when I have too much caffeine. to the point where I almost want to slap myself. it's bad. ask Ian, he actually banned me from drinking Mt. Dew when we worked at k!nko's together. I usually limit the amount of caffeine I have every day to a cup of coffee in the morning and a soda with lunch but sometimes it's not enough.

yesterday morning at my desk, I could not stay awake. so I had a second cup of coffee and a light snack at 11:00. because sometimes lack of food makes me light-headed and sleepy so I thought it might be that. I was super busy with work stuff so I didn't stop for lunch until after 1:30. I still felt like I didn't have any energy so I had my diet cherry coke with my lunch. the rest of the day seemed to go okay, I wasn't tired anymore and the hours just flew by.

I was in my car and headed home when that caffeine finally hit. all at once. I was really hyper for no reason and suddenly in a great mood. I didn't realize what it was at first so I tried to find a CD to go along with my energy and mood which, thinking back, probably wasn't the best idea. I should have tried to find something to calm me down. hell, Red House Painters was in the CD holder and would have done the trick nicely :)

by the time I got home, my obnoxiousness was at an all-time high. my poor family...they were completely unprepared. Brian was opening a bottle of wine for us to have with dinner, which was lovely. and probably the only reason I calmed down and actually got some sleep last night. I did promise to limit my caffeine intake today. so far, so good!

confession

I was a band geek in high school. and middle school. and elementary school. although I don't think it was really geeky to be in band when I was in elementary school. everyone joined band, well almost everyone. I started playing the flute when I was in third grade and played until I graduated high school. that's ten years, baby. it was crazy.

it was fun though. I really liked it until eighth grade. but by then, the flute was already paid for so my grandmother wouldn't let me quit. I don't know why she even cared. it's not like she came to many concerts and when she did, she just made fun of me afterwards.

I was good at it too. really good at it. I was first chair every year except for my freshman year, when I was third chair out of about twelve. my junior and senior year I got to assign chairs for the rest of my section. oh yeah, I was the shit back then. relatively speaking. and before you ask, yes, that is me in the picture, rocking that cape and wearing a yellow feather in my hat. the actual picture isn't really that speckled, I just forgot to clean the scanner glass and was too lazy to rescan. the picture was taken in either 1984 or 1985.

it was great. most of my high school memories involved band stuff. I met all of my high school boyfriends (except the last one) in band. I met some really nice kids and got to do things that I wouldn't have been allowed to do otherwise. there were overnight trips and hotel rooms and four hour bus rides and football and basketball games. it was always harmless, innocent fun...at least for me.

that kid of ours is growing up and I don't like it one bit. she's doing her hair and wearing lip gloss and talking about boys and in general, becoming a teenager way before I'm ready. to be fair, she is just acting her age, which is actually pretty refreshing these days. she still watches Nickelodeon and the Disney Channel. she still likes Neopets and Pokemon and still shops for clothes at Limited Too. we're really lucky she doesn't like revealing clothes or make-up, she reads books all the time and plays the clarinet. she is learning how to sew and play the piano. she's a wonderful kid, I wouldn't change a thing about her. too bad there's nothing I can do to stop her from changing herself.

it all seems to be happening so quickly. and I'm definitely not ready. last night we drove her to her first dance. A DANCE!!! she looked so cute, way too cute to go to a dance where boys could see her. one of her friends came over and did her hair, she wore black shirt with a white flower the shoulder and her black gaucho pants. she really looked beautiful. the dance was from 7:00 to 9:00. when we picked her up, she said she had a great time and spent the whole night running around with her friends. literally, running around. you know, like a kid. but still, she was at a dance. no matter how much that sucked for us though, I'm glad she had a good time.

tonight is no better. she had her first official babysitting job, for our neighbors. she's watching their six and four year old grandsons for two hours. it will be fine, she's so good with younger kids. I know she'll have fun. I would be a little nervous if we weren't going to be right next door. who am I kidding? I'll still be nervous.

why do they have to grow up? things were so much simpler when she was still a little girl. sigh.

recent funny search engine referrals:

stuff to make you feel good
- fat chance anyone would find that here!

cramps starting livejournal
- now that's more like it :)

pictures of people buried in the sand
- check!

saran wrap togas
- I've gotten that one before...


and one disgusting one that I'm not going to repeat because I don't want the pervert traffic, no matter how desperate I am to hit 10,000 visitors.

I really should try to be more entertaining and/or informative.

random stuff

check out how nice Launchcast is being to me today! some of my very favorites, that never happens.

Don Henley - Sunset Grill

Sarah McLachlan - Dirty Little Secret

Three Dog Night - Liar

Eagles - Desperado

No Doubt - Spiderwebs

Garbage - Stupid Girl

Elefant - Misfit

Beck - Bad Cartridge (E-Pro)

Sting - I Was Brought To My Senses

Sheryl Crow - Hole In My Pocket

Norah Jones - Be Here To Love Me

The Police - Wrapped Around Your Finger

plus Prince's Greatest Hits was in the CD player this morning on the way to work. it's been a good music day so far.

Wrapped Around Your Finger reminds me of high school. because we used to play it in pep band at basketball games. in spite of being asked not to by people who liked the Police :)

________________________________________

I can't believe that Holly was glad that the Eagles lost. I'd hold it against her but she's just so nice :) I like Denver too though. I grew up in Colorado, I can't help it! and it's not their fault the Eagles suck lately. Hannah put on her Terrell Davis jersey at halftime. she hasn't worn that thing since she was in elementary school! of course it still fit, she's so damn tiny. but still, it was frickin' hilarious!!! I should have taken a picture.

________________________________________

confession: I'm spazzy when I'm in a good mood, like now. obviously.
________________________________________

I love Britney Spears as much as the next person (okay...probably more) but a 9 minute version of "Me Against the Music" is a bit much, even for me.

cranky biotch

I really don't know why my husband puts up with me sometimes. well, I know why. it's because he loves me. but I'm sure there are times when it's harder than others. like last night. Brian brought home Revenge of the Sith and a bottle of wine last night. we cuddled up on the loveseat and watched the movie until the wine made me too sleepy and I moved to the couch to sleep.

the girls were already in bed, the dog was sleeping on the chair, I was sleeping peacefully. until the final fight scene, which was incredibly loud. but not as loud as Brian's potato chip bag, which was not as loud as the sound of him eating the chips. I rolled over and grumbled something about the noise and tried to get back to sleep. after a few more minutes of being woken up by the tv and the chips, I went to bed. I'm sure I was crankier than I should have been. but man, I hate to be woken up when I'm trying to sleep.

you'd think that I would just go to bed when I'm tired but I don't like going to bed by myself. I had too many years of that already. and besides, I love it when we both climb into bed and talk about things that we've been too busy to talk about during the day. it's my favorite time alone with him. I'd rather lose sleep than lose that.
_____________________________________________

in other boring news, I finally decided not to participate in the NaNoWriMo thing. I really was considering it but didn't feel like I could dedicate the time to it right now. maybe if I had spent a little more time trying to think of something to write about, I would have felt more confident about participating. and of course, now that I'm definitely not doing it, I wish that I was. I'm really impressed by the people I know who are participating though. Indigo is posting her story on her blog as she writes it, which is very cool. and Raehan is writing away too. they're both so much busier than I am in real life, I feel like a total wuss now :)