Confession: I have a "secret" blog where I write letters to an old boyfriend. Sometimes he writes back. Shhhhhhh, don't tell...

Okay, so the deal is my work has this thing called Websense that is blocking access to blogs all of a sudden. So I can't post from work anymore :( I did most of my posting from work so that's why I haven't updated in a while. That and my home laptop is almost literally hanging by a thread so I can't use that either. I don't like to access this blog from the family computer and I can't figure out how to email posts so for now, posting will be hit or miss.

News:

My car is broken. Sucks so much!!! Hopefully my brother can figure out what's wrong with it by this weekend.

We missed Halloween because Casey didn't feel good. No candy and no donations for Unicef.

Hm, I guess that's about it.

I know it's what I get paid for, but sometimes I am completely disgusted by how fake I am on the phone with customers. If some variation of the previous sentence ends up on Postsecret, it wasn't me :)

long time, no post.

I guess that's what happens when we don't have much going on. I do like the peace though, and I like not having too many surprises. Wow, don't I sound boring.

Brian's dad did not have a stress test this past week. His cardiologist said no. So now he's taking some nitroglycerin pills, I'm not sure why. I mean, I know it's for his heart but I don't know anything more than that. He's doing well though, which is really all that matters since there's not a lot they can do for him anyway.

The girls are doing well, school is going okay. I wish Hannah would apply herself a little more, but that is always true. We haven't really heard from the boy. He stopped by a week or so ago to pick up some of his things but he didn't say a word to me or to Brian. He talked to Casey when she talked to him so I was glad about that. Otherwise, I probably would have told him to leave and come back when he was done being a dick.

I found out from Hannah that he burned all the pictures he took from the scrapbooks and picture frames and photo boxes. That sucked, so many of them were irreplaceable. I can't do anything about it now, other than be devastated everytime I see the big black scorch marks on the garage floor. But enough about that.

Casey got a hamster the weekend before last. He's really cute and tiny. His name is Larry the hamster, named after my stepdad who helped her pay for him and his stuff. We love him, he's so funny somehow. I guess because he's so small, whatever he does makes us laugh. He's been hours of fun so far :)

Not much else is new, just the way I like it.

news

• Brian's dad got out of the hospital Tuesday. We saw him that night and he looked fine. Good as new almost. He is going to have a stress next sometime next week, I hope that goes well.
• Hannah's senior pictures are back and they're beautiful. I can't believe how well they turned out. I already want to go back and order more!
• Casey made dinner for us last night. How funny is that :) She made pork chops and green beans. Brian wasn't home, he had band practice so it was just me and the girls. It was really yummy and I hope she had fun. I guess she really didn't want leftovers!
• Fun plans this weekend: Going to a show in Lancaster tonight, staying at a hotel afterwards, birthday party for my niece tomorrow and a hog roast at the Eagles, and football on Sunday! Brian beat both of my fantasy teams last week. Boooooo!

exhausted but relieved

We got a call from Brian's sister at just before 6:00 last night, telling us to get to the hospital right away because his dad was having a heart attack. He's had trouble with his heart before and it's really weak because of it so it's always extra terrifying when anything like this happens.

We got to the hospital first, before the ambulance even. When his sister got there, she said that it didn't look good. That he was in more pain than she had ever seen before. A minute or two later, his stepmom arrived and told us what happened. When the ambulance arrived, Brian went over to see him and to let his dad know that he was there before he was rushed inside.

He looked terrible, you could instantly see how much pain he was in. But when they got him into a room and gave him some morphine, he was a lot better. The chest pains subsided and he started being really goofy from the drugs. For a while, no one could understand what he was saying but once the medicine started wearing off that got better. They ran a bunch of tests and couldn't find any evidence of a heart attack, but his doctor wanted him to stay overnight for observation. When we left, he was falling asleep, waiting to be admitted.

There's a possibility that he might have to have surgery later to have a heart catheter put in but we're not sure yet. His cardiologist says that his heart is too weak for that unless it's absolutely necessary. And they're still not even sure if it was his heart. Hopefully we'll know more today.

I'll take all the good wishes and positive thoughts anyone wants to send our way :)

news

My mom got approved for her Social Security disability benefit! That is such excellent news. We just heard about it yesterday and I'm taking them to the Social Security office on Tuesday to get everything taken care of. I really am so happy about this, it means that they're going to have a lot fewer money worries, which is always a good thing.

We found out recently that our nephew/godson has PDD/NOS which is a form of autism. It does explain a lot about his behavior and in some ways, it must be a relief for his parents to have this explanation. So he's on a special diet and will be starting preschool in November. Both of these are good things because his diet was pretty bad and unhealthy before. And interaction with children his own age is always good.

Football season starts today. GO BUCKS! We're watching the game with friends. Should be fun :)

I don't know how to tell you things you don't want to hear so I usually don't. Because every time I do, you respond with that tone that makes me want to kill myself.

notes to self

• It's not smart to eat Cheetos while wearing a white shirt.
• You're too old to giggle like a 13-year old boy when your iPod plays Pussy Control.
• It's for his own good.

Why do I write these things? I never listen to me.

I hate it when people conduct personal conversations at work that last for more than a minute. And I hate it that they don't try to keep it to themselves. I don't want to hear you bitching about your soon-to-be ex for ten fucking minutes. It's none of my business, I'm not interested in the slightest and I wish you would just the hell up.

This post is brought to you by a major lack of sleep and the number 8.

Fighting with the boy. Again.

So yeah...first he gets arrested a few weeks ago. For underage drinking again. We don't see him for a week because he was in the county lockup. He lost his job while he was there, wracked up more community service time and more court costs and fines. Since he got out, he's basically been sitting around the house playing computer games instead of doing any community service or finding a damn job. So this morning I told him to find a job or a new place to live by the end of the week. He doesn't say anything back. When I called home after school to talk to the girls, he answered the phone and hung up on me. I called again, talked to the girls, and he hung up again when I tried to talk to him. By the time I came home from work, he was already gone with a friend of his. Brian noticed that one of the picture frames above the desk was empty. It used to have a picture of him and Hannah in it. After checking around the rest of the house, I realized that he had taken all the pictures of himself out of the picture frames and scrapbooks. I'm done. I'm tired and beaten and hurt and I feel sick. He wins. I'm a shitty mom and everything that is wrong with him and everything that goes wrong in his life is all my fault. I don't know what to do with him. If I did, I would do it. I'd do anything to help him, anything that he needs to grow up and move forward and be an adult. I can't do it alone though, and he doesn't seem to want any of those things anyway. I guess maybe he'll figure it out some day. Until then, I have to let go. It's just so fucking hard.

I just got back from lunch with Brian and I miss him already. Pathetic, I know. Seriously though, I cannot spend enough time with that wonderful husband of mine.

Man, this week has been crazy so far and it's only Wednesday. First of all, I was sick all day Sunday and Monday. Bleh. Of course I had some of our lovely new wine Saturday night and can't even think about drinking any of it yet. Funnily enough, it doesn't taste that great the second time. I had to miss steak and lobster at my sister's house on Sunday, because I was too scared to eat any seafood. I mean, I still went but didn't eat too much. Dammit.

The girls went back to school on Monday. That was a little hectic. Monday morning was especially crazy but everything went well. It was kinda' fun to try and get back into our routine. I've gotten too used to have the bathroom to myself in the morning. No more of that for a while!

Casey had to go to the dentist yesterday for a filling and to get sealant on her new teeth. She had a really weird reaction to the shot and couldn't stop shaking for about ten minutes. It was a little scary actually. It went away though while we waited for it to take effect and she was talking up a a storm in the chair. The hygenist was laughing at how talkative she is, silly kid.

Tomorrow we're going school supply shopping, that is always fun. Target has such cute things for girls. They love getting their stuff there. Friday Brian is going to the recording studio with my brother-in-law and we might be going out afterwards to watch a band that wants him to play a few songs with them. Not sure if that is Friday or Saturday, but I can never get enough of watching Brian onstage.

Okay so that last statement I made may have been a little harsh. And untrue. There are a few exceptions to the "my husband, my kids" thing. Stew, my nieces and nephews, Mick, Judy and Keith. Otherwise, you're on your own :)

Six bottles of Sweet Catabwa wine are on their way to us from the lovely Heineman's Winery. Oh, it's so delicious! And we had such a great time there last summer.

Playing hooky from work on Friday to hang out with the girls and Brian and my sister, her husband and their kids. It should be a lot of fun. We're going to the movies and having a cookout. The kids all start school next week. Yay!

I'm slowly learning how to let go of things. Because, really, it's all bullshit. My kids, my husband...that's pretty much what it's all about. Everyone else can take care of themselves. It's cool as hell, this happiness thing. Why didn't I try it before?

cuz it's funny and I don't want to forget

My kids and I loooove the Simpsons. We watch it all the time, as often as it is on when we're awake. Reruns are just as fun to watch as new shows, even the ones we've seen 120 times.

Brian likes the Simpsons too, but not quite as much as me and the kids. He doesn't relate almost every situation in real life to an episode, he doesn't need to watch the same shows over and over.

Last night when I got home, it wasn't on FOX for reruns - how shocking! Casey, who was the only one in the living room, blamed it on Brian. I said that it must have been him because he doesn't love the Simpsons.

He was in the kitchen making dinner but heard us and said that he did love the Simpsons. Casey's reponse back to him was, "Then why don't you marry them?" Tee hee!!! He just shook his head, gave a big sigh and said, "Sometimes I feel like I did." Ba-zing!

Brian is an amazing cook. Seriously, he should be a chef or something. Because then he would be able to cook all the stuff he loves to make that we're too picky to eat. "We" are me and the girls. I should really encourage him to pursue that as a career, I know he would love it. And he definitely needs a new job.

Lunch today = leftover swordfish that was grilled on a cedar plank yesterday. And a baked potato. Can't wait!

fresh ink

So I got a new tattoo today.



I love love love it. It was very cool to surprise Brian with it when he got home from work. He loves it too. It's so ouchie right now though. I can't wait until it's all healed.

That's my tattoo artist in the background :)

kinda' weird

Okay, who just added 106 hits to this blog and pretty much read the whole thing without leaving a comment?

Had a good night last night. We went to see my brother-in-law's band play at Skully's even though it was a school night. I know I stayed up way too late and could really use a cup of coffee right about now. I was a little nervous about going to a show after what happened last time but everything was fine. I was pretty sad that Ian didn't make it but that was fine too. Totally understandable, all things considered.

Time for coffee...need caffeine.

I'm home from work today because I got almost no sleep last night. Getting a call at 3am from the Police Department because Hannah was caught breaking curfew didn't help. She was picked up at the park, and charged with breaking curfew and possession of tobacco. Didn't know she was smoking, so that was even more good news.

Does it ever stop?