Monday, March 07, 2005

bad dream

I had the worst dream Thursday night. it was really terrible, one of those where you wake up crying because it was just that bad. I have a lot of bad dreams, about a lot of bad things. but this one felt so real and hurt me so badly I can still feel it four days later.

in the dream I was reading an email from Brian that he had sent from work and it was about getting a new cell phone. in the email he mentioned someone named Caroline. I asked him who that was and he said, "we're not going to get into that right now." in a really mean voice. I don't know how it came out that this was someone from his work and he was in love with her and wanted to leave me. all I remember is being completely devastated. I was crying and crying and couldn't stop. my ex-husband's mom (who passed away eight years ago) was there and kept telling me it would be okay. I was just sitting on the floor, crying and rocking back and forth. I can remember thinking that I was going to have to kill myself to stop the pain. my step-dad showed up and said that they would get a bigger place and the kids and I could move in with them. I finally woke up, crying and I couldn't stop for quite a while. I eventually just moved closer to Brian, put my arm around him and fell asleep again.

this was possibly the worst I've felt after a dream since the time I dreamed I was being taken at gunpoint with my two older children in the car. I had this one a couple of years ago but in the dream the kids were still small, like maybe three and five. the guy who had the gun let them go but made me tell them to just start walking away and I had to stand there and watch them walk towards town, holding hands, looking for grandma's house. occasionally they would look back at me and the looks on their faces was what really did me in. at least when I woke up from that one I knew it could never happen.

and I know this one will never happen, he is such a decent and good man and he loves me way too much to ever do anything like that. but it could happen and I think that's why I'm having trouble getting past it. I know from past experience that it will go away eventually. I just wish it could happen pretty quickly.

No comments: