Tuesday, March 29, 2005

can't think of a title

I stole this from panthergirl (with permission). her answers are a million times more interesting than mine but she is a million times more interesting than me so it's not really surprising!

Name the most unusual object you possess.
I don't know that it's that unusual but I have this book that describes every little thing about a person according to his or her birthday. everyone who has read mine says that it's scary how accurate the book is.

Name three things you like about yourself. Name three things you don't.
1. my twisted and stupid sense of humor.
2. how unique and weird my children are. I take complete credit for this.
3. my life since meeting Brian. it doesn't get any better.

1. that I am still bitter about things from my childhood.
2. my weight.
3. losing touch with old friends.

Name three things you'd like to learn.
1. how to draw
2. how to overcome my irrational fears
3. how to save money

Name three things that comfort you when you are stressed.
1. Brian
2. chai tea
3. a good laugh with the kids

Friday, March 25, 2005

random weirdness...nothing important

there are a million more people on blogger from Marysville all of a sudden. last time I checked, there were only two.

two people (Ben and Last Girl on Earth) whose blogs I read every day posted something about Robyn Hitchcock and I read them both this morning. what kind of crazy coincidence is that?

I got an email from ex-husband #1 this morning out of the blue, responding back to an email I sent him on December 15th.

I almost always get hyper and stupid when it's bedtime, even if I was just sound asleep on the couch. last night's absurdity started when I told Brian that I would still love him just as much as I do now even if he cheated on me. what I meant was that cheating would be the worst thing he could do to me and it wouldn't change how I felt because I love him so much. then I told him that the reason I love him so much is because he is such a good and decent person which meant that he would never even dream of cheating on me. I consider that a reverse catch-22, which I then tried to think of a name for. poor guy, he was just trying to get some sleep.

I'm surrounded by Christians at work but it doesn't bother me. I think it's because they're good-intentioned and not obnoxious about it. and they don't seem to judge anyone who might not be a Christian. the same isn't true about people outside of work.

a teacher at my kids' high school told them that she feels sorry for their mom. little does she know that the reverse is actually true.

I blog more at work than at home, especially when I'm writing really personal stuff.

some of my favorite bands on Launchcast include: Three Dog Night, the Bee Gees, and the Spice Girls. I don't really listen to any of them that much any other time.

no one at work really knows what my job is (except me) but they all think it sucks (I agree).

Thursday, March 24, 2005

boys - part two

I bet Brian doesn't like my boy stories. actually, I'm sure he doesn't. he's funny like that, this kind of stuff bothers him. it doesn't bother me to hear about his old girlfriends or whatever. maybe it's only the more recent stuff that he doesn't like, I'm not really sure. I do know that we don't talk about my "romantic" past unless it's absolutely necessary.

I'm not really sure what made me start writing about old boyfriends. but now I have so much to write I don't even know where to start. that doesn't happen very often. I guess the easiest thing to do would be to just start where I left off:

after Rob and I broke up, Jimmy and I starting hanging out at school more often. we had gotten closer since that first time we met, plus he was friends with Rob so we all spent a lot of time together. I don't think he knew how much I liked him, or for how long, but I was pretty sure that he liked me too.

my best friend and I were friends with a boy in our grade who looked a lot older than he was. he was a big guy, over six feet tall, and I had known him since third grade. he was one of those boys that had liked me for years. we were great friends for the entire time that I knew him. he was one of the few people I tried to keep in touch with after graduation. eventually he got married, had kids and moved away. I haven't heard from him in years.

Bob had his license and didn't mind driving us around when we didn't have anything else to do. one night, we were all going to hang out and drive around, maybe go to the arcade or a movie. I wanted to invite Jimmy to come with us. Bob didn't really want me to but he was such a big softie, I could talk him into anything. so we called Jimmy and convinced him to come along. we picked him up at his house and the four of us (Jimmy and I were in the back seat) just drove around trying to think of something fun to do.

when we ran out of ideas, someone thought it would be cool to try to buy some beers. apparently Bob looked old enough to buy beer without getting carded (at that time you only had to be 18), despite having two very young-looking girls in his car. we got a 12-pack of Old Milwaukee, 3.2 beer, and we all opened one up.

I hadn't ever had beer before, the only other time I got drunk was at a JV football game the year before when one of the seniors gave my friend and I some Everclear punch. so after a couple of beers, I had a pretty good buzz going. I didn't notice that Jimmy wasn't drinking at all, I didn't see how worried he looked when I accidentally spilled a little beer on his shirt. I didn't know that his father was a psychotic tyrant who physically and verbally abused his wife and children. I found out about all of those things later.

we had about an hour left before Tina's curfew so Bob headed back to the little town my friend and I lived in. I was feeling pretty good by then, and had my head on Jimmy's shoulder. I decided that it was time to tell him how I felt about him. so I tilted my face up and told him everything, how much fun it was to be around him, how he could always make me laugh, how much I really liked him and had since that first time we met. he looked down at me, smiled and kissed me. it was wonderful, exactly as I had imagined it would be.

we girls needed to sober up so we stopped at our elementary school playground for a while. Bob pushed Tina on the swings while Jimmy and I sat at a picnic table. he had his arms around me and every once in a while, he would lean down and kiss me. he made me feel so happy and content and at peace. it was like nothing I had ever felt before that night.

he was so sweet, and so funny. we spent all our free time together at school and at band functions. all our friends saw it coming, and everyone, including Rob, seemed happy for us. he loved to tease me and make me laugh and our first month together was so perfect. his parents seemed pretty strict, especially where girls were concerned, so we didn't get to see each other much outside of school. we both hated that but it was just as well. I didn't have a lot of free time after school anyway.

once in a while we would both make up excuses to stay after school (band practice for me, weight lifting for him) to have some time alone together. we would usually walk around and end up at the middle school playground and just be together. I was perfectly happy just to be with him, to be holding his hand and sitting beside him for a few hours. we would talk about our future plans and how we spent our day, he was so easy to be with. he never, ever pressured me for anything more than kissing and our time together was very innocent. I would almost always get in trouble for staying after school but it was worth it. I'm sure he got in worse trouble than I did but he never said anything about it.

he had a younger brother who was a freshman that year, a funny kid who would hang out with us once in a while. he was quiet, shy and a little withdrawn, he seemed to like me well enough. Don was in band too so he would be my buddy during games when Jimmy was playing football. I have a nephew who reminds me of Donnie. it's weird.

a few months after we started "dating" Jimmy's parents decided that we couldn't see each other any more. the story was that one of them heard that I was a slut, and they didn't think I was good enough for him. I'm not sure why I believed that. I mean, I know that's what they told Jimmy, I don't think he would ever have lied to me. but considering what I later learned about his childhood, that excuse was complete bullshit.

I was devastated. I couldn't imagine who would have ever said such a thing about me. but at the same time, I felt like it was true. because there were ugly things in my childhood, things that I thought I had kept hidden, things that I hadn't told anyone about. I thought that somehow, his parents knew or could see it on me. I didn't know what to do. he said that he tried to stick up for me but he wasn't able to change their minds.

we didn't really think it would change anything. we hardly ever saw each other outside of school anyway. so after the initial panic, things went back to normal. for about a week. before we found out that Donnie had been reporting to his parents that we were still going out. oh, I hated him so much for that at the time. now I realize that he was just trying to survive a horrible childhood any way that he could. Jimmy's parents were furious, I can't imagine the kind of trouble he must have been in. his father wasn't the kind of person who would ground his kids for disobeying him, that much I know. anything beyond that was too terrible for me to imagine.

it took us a while to figure out what to do. but not seeing each other anymore was not an option. we both knew that what we had was something really great, and great things weren't all that easy to come by for either of us. luckily we had a lot of friends that cared about us and were willing to help us keep our secret. friends who would warn us if Donnie was around or distract him when we were together. our band director was one of those friends and he would let us stay in his office before classes and during lunch. it wasn't ideal but it was better than nothing.

there was never a doubt in my mind that he was worth all the trouble. he understood me like no one had before. he was the first person to really know me and love me for who I was. I didn't have to pretend around him. it was so easy to love him. I would have done anything for him.

every once in a while, out of the blue, he would tell me that his parents had changed their minds. and it would be okay for us to see each other. their change of heart would last for a couple of weeks before they would take it back. during those weeks though, we could actually spend time together outside of school, without having to worry about being spied on. Donnie would be our friend again. we could hold hands in the halls or hang out with our friends or sit together on bus trips. we could go to school dances or eat lunch together or go see a movie or even talk to each other on the phone. then they would take it away and we would go back to hiding from the world.

it wasn't always easy. there were times when I really needed him and he couldn't be there. and probably times when he needed me. it got harder and harder to deal with, because everything was out of our control. and as hard as it was for me, I know it was worse for him. because at home, his father would make comments about me. saying that I was the type of girl who only wanted things I couldn't have and he was my forbidden fruit. or telling him that I was a slut. or that I was probably cheating on him. and even though I constantly told him that his father was wrong, I'm sure over time it started to affect him. I know it eventually got to me.

somehow, he worked up the courage to ask for permission to take me to my Junior Prom. and even more amazingly, his parents said that they would think about it. so my grandmother and mother took me out to the mall and got me a dress. I was threatened with physical harm if I didn't end up going to Prom. you know, she had spent all that money on a dress so I was going to wear it or else. I pretty much had to go whether Jimmy was allowed to take me or not. and of course, he wasn't allowed.

instead, I went with Rob. and the whole night was a disaster. the people we rode with got very, very drunk and we were actually scared to ride back with them. Rob's uncle had to bring us a car so he could drive me home. I didn't dance once that I can remember. it was so boring, I didn't have the least bit of fun. we did have a yummy dinner before the dance but it was definitely not worth the hype.

on the way home, Rob pulled the car over and tried to kiss me goodnight. I let him. I don't know why, out of frustration from the last few months I suppose. it was a huge mistake. he tried to take off my dress, I yelled at him to stop, which he did, then he drove me the rest of the way home.

when Jimmy found out, he was furious, at me, at Rob, at his parents, at the world. I had never seen him angry before and it scared the hell out of me. I can't handle it when someone is angry, being near anyone in a fight makes me physically ill even now. anyway, he flipped out, walked away from me, grabbed one of our friends by the shirt and threw him into a drum set. I had to leave the room before I was sick.

we didn't speak for the next few days. he tried to talk to me but I just couldn't face him. I felt like I didn't even know who he was anymore and I'm sure he felt the same way. but it hurt me to think badly about him and it hurt even more to be away from him. we eventually worked it out somehow and things went back to the way they were before, seeing each other in "secret".

the end of the school year was coming way too quickly. I knew he wouldn't be allowed to see me that often, if at all. Donnie was being cool at the time so over the summer we were able to talk on the phone while his parents were at work. unfortunately, I had a job during the day so I could only call him during my lunch, which I did every day.

there were a couple of other guys at my work (no girls that year) that I hung out with on breaks or while we ate lunch. they were both so nice, one of them even knew Jimmy which was very cool. he was going to be a freshman when school started. the other one was a little older than me, he was 21, and really nice and funny. he was the cousin of a guy I knew at school. we went out a couple of times, even though he knew I had a boyfriend. it was mostly harmless but I never told Jimmy about it.

things were weird between us when school started again. we weren't spending much time together and having to hide from Donnie was really getting old. my feelings for Jimmy hadn't changed at all but it was my senior year and I was afraid I was going to spend it locked away in the band room. we stopped seeing each other for about a month, and it was horrible. so we got back together and that was how things were for the rest of the schoool year. it wasn't ideal by any means, but it was better than the other option, which was to not be together at all.

we had a few opportunities to see each other outside of school. almost all of them involved band trips. our friends would distract Donnie or talk him into ignoring us for the night. once we even got to spend a weekend in Denver when the basketball teams went to State.

I guess we never really had a chance of making things work, no matter how much we both wanted it to. I needed to be with someone who could spend time with me, who would be close by when I fell apart. someone who wasn't as screwed up as I was/am. we were too young and too battered to fight for what we wanted. it was just too hard. I was going to be graduating in a month and he still had a year of high school left. there was no way we could have stayed together without our parents' help. my mother was already off living her new life and of course, his parents weren't going to ever help us.

so that was it. it wasn't ugly or dramatic or terrible. it was devastating to leave him though, the hardest thing I had ever been through, which says a lot. it literally took me years to get over it. I met someone else (who I later married and had two kids with), he finished his last year of high school. I did run into him at a basketball game his senior year. he had a new girlfriend and said that she didn't want him to talk to me. we never saw each other again after that.

in January of 2002, I found his email address on classmates.com and tried to contact him. when he wrote back, I couldn't believe it. he was happy to hear from me, I was very grateful to read that. we emailed each other for a couple of months. we exchanged stories of our lives after high school. he moved to Oklahoma after graduation to go to OSU which had always been his dream, but had to leave after a year. he finished school back in Colorado. after college he joined the army, which was a complete shock. he was so not the type of guy that would do that. but apparently he loved it, travelled to lots of different countries and only quit because his wife didn't like him being gone. he was married, to someone he met in college back home, and had two sons.

his relationship with his parents was still pretty strained but I think he said that they liked his wife. he spent time with Donnie every once in a while, having a beer or playing golf, things I never would have imagined him doing.

it was so incredible to be in contact with him again. it was so easy to write to him and tell him all the things I had wanted to say the last time we saw each other. how sorry I was for not being more brave and how sorry I was for breaking up with him and how often I thought about him over the years and how I always wondered if he was alright. it was so great to find out that he didn't hate me and that he understood how hard things were for me when we were together and that he was okay for the most part, even though from the things he wrote I don't think his marriage is as happy as he would want it to be.

he seems satisfied with his life. he loves being a father, I knew he would, and would do anything for his boys, including not emailing me anymore. because I think his wife found out and didn't like it. I don't really blame her. I know he never really got over me or our time together, he told me as much. hell, at the time, I felt the same way. but then I met Brian and he taught me what love actually felt like. and even though I don't ever doubt that I loved Jimmy, I know now that it wasn't even a fraction of the love I feel for Brian.

I do miss hearing from him though and wish we could have stayed in touch. it probably wouldn't be the same but it would still be nice. he always could make me laugh.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

welcome to Kent, Ohio


we actually stayed at this hotel one night while we were in Kent visiting Brian's nephew. in case you can't read the sign, it does indeed say:


that's right...the super eight inches. and we stayed there, it was great. we laughed about that joke for weeks. it was about the funniest part of the whole weekend. the couple we drove up with broke up as soon as we got back home. the couple we were visiting broke up while we were sound asleep at the Super 8". it was not cool. luckily we were oblivious to all the teenage drama and had a lovely weekend. then again, we have this amazing ability to get lost in each other and ignore the rest of the world. it's the best.

Monday, March 14, 2005

my son...

is turning 18 on Friday, which makes me very sad. it also makes me sound very old. I suppose I am getting up there. I'm not ready for him to be 18 and I don't think he's ready for it either, no matter what he thinks. all mothers probably feel this way though.

I was 18 (almost 19) when he was born. it was nine months after I had graduated from high school. his dad and I had been married for four months and were living with his parents, who were the nicest and most decent people I had ever met.

I remember the day he was born so clearly. I can still feel his tiny, newborn body in my arms. he was the first good thing I had ever done and I knew from the moment I saw him that I would do anything for him. he was born with pneumonia and a severe case of jaundice. he spent five days in the hospital after he was born. the first two were spent under an oxygen hood, the last three under the bilirubin lights trying to clear up the jaundice.

his beautiful blue eyes were covered to protect them from the lights, his tiny heels were full of little razor cuts from having blood drawn to test his bilirubin levels and he had a tongue depressor taped to his little arm to keep his IV in place. it was the saddest thing I had ever seen.

we could only hold him to feed him and he wasn't really eating that often. when he finally came home, I didn't ever want to put him down. I took him everywhere I went, I couldn't get enough of him. I had never felt so much love for another person, I didn't even know I had it in me.

he was a wonderful baby, so sweet and easygoing. we didn't really see any lasting complications from his earlier health problems, for which I was incredibly grateful. he did have a lot of trouble with ear infections when he was a lot younger, and strep throat, but other than that he was pretty healthy.

my wonderful baby turned into a wonderful boy. he adored me as much as I adored him, he was very affectionate and sweet and funny and outgoing. I hated to be away from him, even for a few hours but I knew I had to give him room to grow up and become his own person. it was so hard to send him off for his first day of preschool. he just waved and told me goodbye and ran off to have fun and play and meet new friends.

I was so proud of him and at the same time, felt so lost without him. eventually I learned to manage without him for a few hours. after all, I had his little sister to keep me company. and she was as sweet and funny and adorable as he was. his first day of kindergarten was a little easier to handle but not much.

he loved school then, and did really well. he made friends easily and got good grades. he was even invited to participate in the gifted student program at his school. and somehow that was the start of his decline. his teacher at that time was not working in cooperation with the gifted class teacher so he got twice as much work as most of the kids in his class. his grades slipped a little, and then a little more. between ear infections, strep throat and sinus infections, he started missing a lot of school.

someone in my family suggested that he go to an allergist to see if allergies were the reason he was sick so often. we found out that he was highly allergic to: dust mites, mold, grass, trees, pollen, cats, dogs, horses, and rabbits. and that his immune system was in terrible shape. he had to get allergy shots every week for about three years to try to build up his tolerance to all the stuff he was allergic to and to strengthen his immune system so he wouldn't catch every virus that blew through our town.

healthwise, he showed a big improvement. school was a different story. he continued to miss a lot of school and then didn't make up the work he missed. his grades went from all A's to C's and D's. in middle school, he failed a few classes and had to go to summer school twice. he was threatened with failing 8th grade but didn't seem to care. anyway I think it was just a bluff.

high school didn't get any better, in fact his absences were more and more frequent. his grades were awful, well below his abilities. there were mornings when we had to physically drag him out of bed and to the bus stop. he would cut classes and hang out in the lunchroom or go back home. when he was in class, he would not participate or complete his work.

I never really had a problem with him at home, unless it was related to school. I was at a complete loss as to how to handle him. the school administrators were little or no help. he would miss three or four days in a week before they would notify me that he wasn't attending classes.

he decided that he wanted to go to a different school, in Oregon, where his dad lived. and even though it broke my heart to let him go, I did. because I was willing to do anything to help him, even if it killed me. his dad and stepmom agreed that he could move out there but they wanted my word that he would stay with them for at least the rest of the school year, which was about six months. no matter how much he asked, I was not to let him come home. unfortunately, it was the same old story there. he wouldn't get up for school, wouldn't participate once he was there and their forms of punishment only made things worse the rest of the time. his dad wasn't willing to work it out and pretty much gave up on him after a month and sent him home in April. typical.

once he came home, he seemed withdrawn and depressed, which I had never seen before. I didn't push him to go back to school that year. there were only two months left. we talked about him getting a GED instead but the rules in Ohio are stupid and he couldn't do it. so in the fall he went back to school. he seemed to do well enough but then fell into old patterns. we had to go to a mediation session with the juvenile court system because the dean of students filed a complaint. at that session, it was explained that if another complaint was filed, he would have to go to court for truancy.

he seemed to want to improve after that but again, he couldn't pull it off. so yeah, we had to go to juvenile court, and he got a probation officer. and a social worker, who recommended that he be put on anti-depressants. things are better for him, schoolwise, but we've had setbacks. I'm very happy with his progress though, and his attendance is better than it has been in years.

he's not graduating this year, but we're crossing our fingers that he'll graduate next year. he's even been talking about going to college, which just about makes me cry. he wants to be a teacher.

our relationship has had its rough spots, but the good times outweigh the bad times by infinity. even though he is getting older, I still feel as close to him as I did the day he was born. we have an unspoken connection that nothing and no one will ever break. my firstborn, my only son, my reason for living when I had nothing else, I don't know where I would be if he and his sisters weren't a part of my life.

he knows that I would do anything for him and that I will love him no matter what. but I plan to remind him on Friday. I just hope I can find a card big enough to express it all.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

boys - part one

I didn't have a boyfriend until I was a sophomore in high school, which was a lot later than most of my friends. I think it was because I was super shy and my self-esteem was so low that I couldn't ever believe that a boy would actually like me. and I was a big tomboy growing up, probably because I was uncomfortable being a girl. and because I grew up with two brothers and no sisters.

there were boys that liked me in middle school, quite a few actually for some reason, including a boy that had liked me since the third grade. I really liked him too but I didn't know what to do or how to act. it was embarassing to be so clueless about it so I just pretended that I didn't like him more than a friend. we did eventually go to a dance together our freshman year but by then it was pretty anticlimactic. I think he was tired of waiting and we decided we were going to just be friends. he was such a sweet boy, he would have been a great first boyfriend. we were pretty close friends until graduation, then we lost touch.

I had a couple of bad experiences with boys after that. the following summer I was working in the office of a nursing home and met a boy who was doing maintenance. he was a couple of years older than me. I was one of the two teenage girls working there and the other girl was a bit of a prude. so he started eating lunch with me and flirting with me. it eventually lead to some kissing when we were alone. he seemed nice enough but he was always trying to take things further. when he finally realized that I wasn't going to have sex with him, he stopped talking to me completely.

once school started, I met a girl who had transferred from another school in a nearby town. she was different from the girls I grew up with, she seemed so mature and she was completely boy-crazy. we were both in band and got to be superficial friends. she was a girl who was used to getting her own way and I was a girl who was used to doing what I was told. she knew about the boy from summer and knew that I wasn't really excited about meeting another boy but she somehow talked me into going on a date with a friend of her boyfriend.

we arranged it so that I would spend the night at her house and we would meet the boys after a football game. my date, Jeff, was on the team so we had to wait for him to finish playing. I spent the whole time during the game hanging out with people I didn't even know, which was never fun for me. and our whole "date" consisted of us spending the evening in her boyfriend's back seat while they made out in the front seat. we talked a little, kissed a little, he seemed like a nice guy.

we went on a few dates alone, to the movies or out to eat. I liked him but never really considered him my boyfriend. we didn't really go out that often and stopped seeing each other when my friend broke up with her boyfriend. apparently, Jeff had liked my friend for a while. no loss really. one day out of the blue he called me to tell me that they had broken up and that he wanted to see me. somehow she blamed it on me and we weren't friends anymore after that.

I met my first boyfriend when he was a freshman and I was a sophomore. we were both in band (yes, former band geek here!) and we would hang out during varsity football games. his name was Rob and he was funny and sweet and outgoing and popular. he played the tuba and was on the football team and wrestled. I don't think we really had much in common but he seemed harmless and he thought I was funny and cute so when he asked me to go out with him about a month after we met, I said yes. we "dated" for most of that school year and during that time only broke up once for a month or so. I can't remember why.

we were both too young to drive plus my high school was not in the town where I lived, so we didn't really go on many dates. we would spend all our free time together during school and on band trips we would spend the whole ride making out. I loved to make out, could and did do it for hours without really going any farther. he was a little handsy for me but it never got out of control.

our varsity football team went to State that year, which involved a long bus trip there and back. Rob's parents drove up for the game so he had to ride home with them. he introduced me to one of his friends and told me to sit with him. he told his friend to take care of me and make sure I was safe. how sweet is that? this guy, Jimmy, and I hit it off instantly. he made me laugh the whole way home. I don't think I ever had so much in common with someone else before. of course, I developed a huge crush on him. apparently he liked me too.

Rob had an older brother (in my grade) who really didn't like me for some reason. Mike was also in band. he would spend entire bus trips glaring at us. on one trip he walked by our seat and hit Rob in the back of the head, causing him to hit my mouth with his mouth, which broke a good-sized piece off of my front left tooth. god, that was so humiliating. it took about four trips to the dentist to get it permanently fixed. so stupid.

I dated two boys during that month or two that we broke up. the first boy was also in band (yeah, I know). I don't even remember how that got started and I had no idea that he like me, as usual. his name was Brad and he was from the Boys' Ranch (read as, juvenile detention center). completely not my type but really cute and nice for a delinquent. everyone hated that we were going out, especially Rob. I guess Brad probably wasn't a good guy but he was always nice to me. he was a big flirt though, and my frail ego couldn't deal with that so I broke up with him after a couple of weeks.

shortly after that breakup, a girl I had known since elementary school told me about a friend of hers that had liked me for about a year. he was in my English class, I think I sat right behind him but he never talked to me much. he was not in band, for a change, he was kind of an art guy. he was also a bit of a stoner and would go out during lunch and get drunk and stuff. still, she said he was really nice and really liked me a lot and hated seeing me with Brad. he wanted me to go to some Valentine's dance with him but was too shy to ask me himself. he was cute and smart and nice, so I said I would go. his name was John.

he started hanging out with me and my friends during school, which was nice but also strange. we talked a little but were both so shy and quiet around each other. it was awkward, but I did find out that he actually was a nice guy. the drugs and drinking bothered me, but I never really told him about it. we hadn't even been on a date yet, I would never have dreamt of telling him that.

the day of the dance finally came. it was a Friday night. I had to get a ride with a friend's parents because none of us had our license yet. John was waiting for me outside the building. my friend went inside but we just stood outside talking. he said that he didn't actually want to go to the dance, that it was just an excuse to go out with me. so instead we just walked around outside and talked. we made our way to the middle school and just hung out until it was time to go home. he never even tried to hold my hand or kiss me, which was very sweet.

the next day my best friend called me at my grandmother's house and said that John called her to get my number. it never occurred to me to give it to him for some reason. maybe because we didn't have a phone. she said he sounded kinda' anxious about it, which was weird. my friend and I made plans to go to a basketball game that night, just for something to do. Rob was there, hanging out with two other girls, one of them was his ex-girlfriend from middle school. but as soon as he saw us there, he left them and sat with us for the rest of the game. at the end of the night, he asked me if we could get back together and we did.

when I told John about it on Monday, he looked really hurt. I felt bad about that. he eventually started dating a girl that was a couple of years younger than us, she was a stoner too. I think they ended up getting married. after graduation, I ran into him at a football game. I was there with my soon-to-be first husband. John was really drunk or stoned, I couldn't tell which, and he asked me if I would want to go out again sometime right in front of my boyfriend. I was flattered and thought it was funny, my boyfriend was not amused. I saw him again at a restaurant where I was working a few years later. he hit on me again.

anyway, things with Rob were okay, but I wasn't completely happy. we continued to go out for the rest of the school year and over summer vacation. I spent a month with my cousins in a city that was about an hour away, babysitting some younger cousins. he drove up to see me one day, even though he didn't have his license yet. he drove his brother's car, one more reason for Mike to hate me.

we had spent time alone outside of school before but he had recently started pushing me to have sex. I guess there's only so much making out a boy can do before he wants to go further. who knew? that day was worse than usual, but I was sure that I would never give in. and I knew that it was past time for us to break up for good. besides once he got back home, he was in big trouble for driving up to see me and we weren't able to see each other for the rest of the summer.

when school started, we were still officially together but I tried to avoid him whenever I could. a few weeks later I had to tell him it was over but I tried to make sure that he already knew. we decided to still be friends, of course.

one of the freshman girls we knew from band was majorly in love with him. she used to tell me that she was going to take him away from me. after we broke up, he started seeing her. she spent the last half of her freshman year and part of her sophomore year being pregnant with his kid. she wanted us all to act like we didn't notice so we all pretended that we couldn't tell, even though it was really obvious. he was kind of a jerk about the whole thing, which is to be expected, I guess he was mostly scared. he never really cared that much about her anyway. I know that he gave her some money for an abortion but she never got it. after the baby was born, she gave him up for adoption.

to be continued...

ps - do everyone's stories from high school sound like a soap opera or is it just mine?

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

I'm trying to post something meaningful but...

of course I can't think of a single thing to write about at the moment. probably from lack of sleep and unexpressed anger. the boy was out past his court-appointed curfew last night. he went to a concert without telling us where he was, which violates another court order. and I was up past midnight waiting for him, alternating between worry and anger. I tried to call his friends but couldn't find him anywhere in town, which usually means he is avoiding me. I was sure that he was safe but not completely sure. my mind has been trained to always think the worst, so I did for a minute or two every hour. plus I'm a mom...I worry naturally. it's my job.

when he finally got home, it was the usual story. he tried to call but couldn't get through, even though there were three people at home with cell phones plus the house phone. but he doesn't know the cell numbers, even though he uses one of them all the time. but he told his sister where he was going, even though he knows that's not how it works. I grounded him, maybe more punishment will follow. I wouldn't care if he was late or if he went to a concert, but the rule is that I need to know where he is and when he's going to be late. and now I'm cranky and tired at work, which sucks. because it's way too tempting to go home and go back to bed.

Monday, March 07, 2005

if you have a minute...

the lovely and hilarious panthergirl is raising funds for the Greyhound Rescue & Rehab group in her area with this post. so please please please go there. all you have to do is leave a comment and she will personally donate at least $1.00 to the cause. how easy is that? if you tell her I sent you, I will be your best friend.

a link to make a donation yourself is also there, if you're so inclined.

bad dream

I had the worst dream Thursday night. it was really terrible, one of those where you wake up crying because it was just that bad. I have a lot of bad dreams, about a lot of bad things. but this one felt so real and hurt me so badly I can still feel it four days later.

in the dream I was reading an email from Brian that he had sent from work and it was about getting a new cell phone. in the email he mentioned someone named Caroline. I asked him who that was and he said, "we're not going to get into that right now." in a really mean voice. I don't know how it came out that this was someone from his work and he was in love with her and wanted to leave me. all I remember is being completely devastated. I was crying and crying and couldn't stop. my ex-husband's mom (who passed away eight years ago) was there and kept telling me it would be okay. I was just sitting on the floor, crying and rocking back and forth. I can remember thinking that I was going to have to kill myself to stop the pain. my step-dad showed up and said that they would get a bigger place and the kids and I could move in with them. I finally woke up, crying and I couldn't stop for quite a while. I eventually just moved closer to Brian, put my arm around him and fell asleep again.

this was possibly the worst I've felt after a dream since the time I dreamed I was being taken at gunpoint with my two older children in the car. I had this one a couple of years ago but in the dream the kids were still small, like maybe three and five. the guy who had the gun let them go but made me tell them to just start walking away and I had to stand there and watch them walk towards town, holding hands, looking for grandma's house. occasionally they would look back at me and the looks on their faces was what really did me in. at least when I woke up from that one I knew it could never happen.

and I know this one will never happen, he is such a decent and good man and he loves me way too much to ever do anything like that. but it could happen and I think that's why I'm having trouble getting past it. I know from past experience that it will go away eventually. I just wish it could happen pretty quickly.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

my family. immediate family anyway.

mom: see this post.

dad: divorced mom when I was in kindergarten. I have one faded picture of him holding me and about three memories, which sucks. we never saw him again after the divorce. my brothers and I did get one letter each from his second wife when I was in high school, telling us that he was sorry and that he missed up and wished he could have visited us. it was strange. I wanted to write to him but my grandmother shamed me out of it. I regret letting her do that. and then I lost the address so that was the end of it.

step-dad: former drug addict/alcoholic. he was a very abusive father before he got off the drugs. he and my mother started dating while I was in junior high, he was one of those guys we would see at breakfast. they broke up when he decided to go back to his wife and kids. they got back together after his divorce and moved us all in together when I was a senior in high school. they were married about a year after that. I was already married with a kid by then.

he has become quite sick these last few years. diabetes and rheumatoid arthritis, not to mention his constant smoking and the effects of years of drug abuse, are killing him slowly and painfully. I don't know what my mother will do when he is gone.

step-brother: married, two girls. a big giant of a guy, the oldest of all of us and the most irresponsible. also a former drug addict/semi-alcoholic. his drinking is under control most of the time...well, at least it's not as bad as it used to be. we have his overbearing, bitchy wife to thank for that, I suppose. he has had some problems with the law and has stolen stuff from family, including pain medication and cash. he has made me cry more times than I can count but I still love him because he has a bigger heart than just about everyone I know. he used to have a crush on me when we were kids.

me: next in line but more about me in another post.

step-sister #1: married, two boys and one girl. has more issues than anyone I have ever met, including me, which says alot. she had a horrible childhood, abusive father, uncaring, absent, neglectful mother, siblings who were favored over her at every turn. she spent time in foster homes and group homes when she was younger, is still suicidal all the time. she is the one who doesn't really like me but that's okay. I try not to hold it against her.

step-sister #2 (hee hee! number two): married, one boy and one girl. she's such an amazing person. so caring and thoughtful and supportive and just a great sister to all of us. we have always gotten along and have grown really close over the years. she is the one I would trust with my secrets and fears. I know that I could tell her almost anything and she would still love me. she has had a tendency in the past to act older than she is (a lot older!) but has really lightened up over the last two years, which she gives me credit for. not sure if I want it but she does seem a lot happier now so it must be a good thing.

brother #1: single. the middle child growing up. I should put growing up in quotation marks because I think he's still working on that. or maybe he's given up. mom's unquestionable favorite when we were kids and still today, so obvious it seemed deliberate. he was named after our dad. after my mom's second marriage, he is the one who lived with the new family. I was married already and my little brother moved in with our grandmother when we moved in with my stepdad, etc. so we kinda' left him there by himself. I feel bad about that, because it took a while before things were good there. but I couldn't have done anything to help. he changes jobs a lot, and spends more time at the bar with his friends than anywhere else. he always seems to owe me money. I don't know how that happens.

brother #2 (hee hee! number two): divorced, one boy who he doesn't really see anymore. the baby, grandmother's favorite, always got everything he wanted, probably still does. the type of person who has to be with someone who will take care of him. really into sports, plays softball all year long, and travels to out-of-town tournaments. avoids all family except brother #1 and . I usually only see him if he needs something from me or if I run into him accidentally or at the rare holiday get together. he gets bent out of shape if he's not invited to something but never shows up when he is invited. it's weird not seeing him, but I'm not surprised. he made a choice to leave us when we moved, I don't think he ever really came back.

step-sister #3: married, one boy, our godson. she is the true baby. when our families moved in together, she was five. my earliest memory of her is coming home from school every day to her sitting in front of the television, watching The Neverending Story. every day. sometimes three or four times a night. talk about never ending. we didn't get along for quite a few years but that was because of my immaturity and her brattiness. she's still a brat but in the good way, if such a thing is possible. we are really close too. how could I not love the person who introduced me to Brian? but I loved her before that, we are great friends and sisters. we have way too much in common, considering the fact that she is twelve years younger than me. and we always have so much fun together. she makes me laugh all the time. I would do anything for her.

husband and kids post to follow soon. don't want everyone here to fall asleep. sorry if it's too late!