Wednesday, April 27, 2005


upset about my stepdad,
who says that he cries every day.
angry at my mother for laughing while he told us.

upset about my sister,
who is pregnant again.
angry at her and her husband for being so stupid and clueless.

upset with my son,
for skipping school. again.
angry at him for being sneaky and lying to me.

upset about money,
worried about the bills.
angry for feeling like I will never be stress free.

upset with myself when I let the darkness in.
upset with myself for thinking there's no way to win.
worried about what will happen if I fall apart.
worried where everyone will go to pour our their hearts.
angry at myself when I don't give a shit.
angry at myself for losing it.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

I just got the most un-fucking-believable news. I hope I wasn't as clueless when I was that young. but I probably was.

I need a few minutes to collect myself. deep breaths and all that.

it's official (even though I knew last year)

Casey's school sucks. I seriously hate them. This Thursday is Take your Child to Work Day or whatever. and at her school, if I take her to work with me on Thursday, they count it as an unexcused absense. so if she was eligible for perfect attendance (which she is not), missing school on Thursday would make her ineligible. and if she didn't get her form turned in by yesterday (which she didn't), then she won't be able to make up the work that she will miss. fuck that. I'm just going to call Thursday morning and tell them she is sick.

I sent an email to the principal this morning telling him how disappointing it was that the school is not supporting this initiative and how I thought that it was the job of an educator to provide opportunities for our children to learn how to become responsible members of the community. or something like that. I'm still waiting for his answer.

this is just one more reason why her school sucks. earlier this month, she told me that they watched the announcement of the new pope in her class whatever day it was that they announced that. what the fuck?!?!? I'm trying not to blow up about that one but it's really killing me. I'm not religious, I don't pretend to be. and I wouldn't berate or belittle my child for expressing an interest in learning more about religion or for wanting to go to church. hell, I'd even drive her if she wanted to go. but her teacher crossed the line that the school has drawn regarding any kind of religion in the building. it's not my stupid rule, it's theirs. they should all be made to follow it.

these kids don't get to celebrate Halloween in any way. no costumes, no treats, no punch. nothing. no Christmas, no Valentine's Day. I don't think they even did anything for Thanksgiving. when I was a kid, we celebrated all of these holidays. it's no fucking big deal. they're kids. dammit, can you just let them act like kids once in a while?

the entire school did have a small celebration after proficiency exams. the theme? Mardi Gras. hardly kid-appropriate but I didn't complain. shit, at least it was something.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

selfish thought

sometimes I wish I could tell people to keep their problems to themselves. I don't have the energy to deal with any of this shit.

Friday, April 22, 2005

I forgot it was Photo Friday.

Photo Friday is my new thing. I stole the idea, of course. hopefully it will make me take more pictures. anyway, this Friday's challenge is "soft". this is not a picture of me. unfortunately.


Thursday, April 21, 2005

is it time for a real post yet?

I don't think it's true that people don't change (not that I read anyone's "paranoid rant" or anything) but I used to think that. you know. before I had the life-changing experience of falling in love with my wonderful husband. I also used think that true love was bullshit and that there was no such thing as soulmates either.

I guess it's possible that I didn't really change, that I've just finally become who and what I always was. or maybe I just tend to adapt to my surroundings. well, that is definitely true but I think it's true of everyone. honestly though, I can't help but think that I have changed. in every way. the way I think, the way I treat other people, the things I say...I actually kind of like the person I am now. and that has never happened to me before.

I know I still have too many issues and fears. I'm still too bitter about things that happened years ago. sometimes I still question whether all the good things I have now are going to go away some day. but those things don't consume me the way they used to.

I don't live in the past anymore (even though I still visit). I make plans for the future, I take chances, I have good dreams. all I needed was for someone to see me and believe in me and accept me, flaws and all. it took 34 years to find him, but it was so worth the wait.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

leave me alone. I'm medicated.

  • I'm not a big fan of medication of any kind. it takes a lot of pain to even get me to take a Tylenol. so if I do take something it's because I'm feeling horrible. punchline: the allergy medicine I took this morning is making me feel weird...all shaky and groggy and unfocused. non-drowsy, my ass. on the plus side, no allergy symptoms!

  • someone's lunch is very oniony smelling. I detest onions and have a very weird onion ESP. oh well, I'll get even with him or her when I heat up the salmon I brought for lunch. take that!

  • the shirt I wore to work today could use another button at the top. I feel like I'm flashing the whole office. it's not good. plus it's one of those shirts that gaps between buttons for no reason. I knew I should have worn a shirt underneath it.

  • things are so much better now. Brian saw that post and asked me what was wrong and we talked and stuff. he's wonderful.

  • why does the media think we give a fuck who the next pope is? I mean seriously, who really cares? not me, not anyone I know. and why were our flags at half-staff (is that right?) when he died?

  • according to michele it is Thank You Fairy Blogmother Day, according to MommaK. so I am thanking my friend iancstewart for talking me into starting this thing. and for all the nice things he says when I write real stuff here and for always being so supportive. he may be kicking himself for it today because of this bullshit post but that's what he gets. now you all know who to blame!

  • I still need more blog links but I'm getting there! twenty-one and counting. I hope no one (cough...panthergirl) minds when I steal links from their blogs. I'm just too lazy to find my own.

  • I wish I was allowed to have Mountain Dew. I could really use the energy right now. so sleepy...

Thursday, April 14, 2005


our baby is going to be 12 on Friday. she's almost a teenager, even though she's acted like one for the past few months. I don't know what I'll do when she gets too old to hang out with us but it will make me very sad. it's so hard to see her growing up, but it's a joy at the same time.

I became pregnant with Casey when I was 24. her father and I had been living together for about four months and had only dated for a month before moving in together. he was a few years older than me, divorced, with no kids. he was in Sales. a girl I waited tables with introduced us. he was a friend of her husband. she had a big crush on him and didn't mind telling everyone how she wished she had met him before she met her husband.

our first date was on Valentine's Day, which was just a coincidence, and we moved in together in March. after a few months we decided to have a baby. it only took me one month to get pregnant. two days before I found out, my grandfather died. I was devastated, he was such an important person to me growing up. it makes me sad to think that he never met her. he would have loved her so much, everyone does.

we were living in Colorado at the time but the rest of my family was living in Ohio. we thought it would be nice to live near them so we packed up all our stuff, rented a U-haul and headed east. Chris stayed behind to finish up some stuff at work so I was in charge of finding an apartment and moving us into it.

things were going pretty smoothly, except that Chris was becoming more of a jerk than I had noticed before. we couldn't seem to agree on anything without an argument, especially if it involved money. I think the stress of moving and the stress at home was affecting my health because I woke up one morning with stomach pains and spotting. a trip to the emergency room made matters worse when the on-call doctor told me that I was "threatening abortion" and needed to stay in bed until the pains and bleeding stopped. those were possibly the scariest words anyone has ever said to me.

since we didn't have health insurance, I was going to a clinic at the health department for prenatal stuff so I didn't get to see my real doctor until a few days after that. the nurse at the health department was so upset when I told her what had happened and what the ER doctor said. she reassured me that things like that sometimes happened and that there was no reason to think that I was going to lose the baby. my doctor confirmed this and said that everything looked fine. such a relief.

the rest of the pregnancy went smoothly, except for the little car accident I had a couple of months before my due date. everything turned out fine but it was very upsetting. I had to spend the night in the hospital just to make sure there were no problems but it was worth it to hear that the baby was okay. the other two children also got the chicken pox right around that time too so I had them at home for two weeks while they recovered. in spite of the extra care they needed, I was happy to have them there before the baby came.

labor and delivery were no problem. hell, it was my third time, it should be easy by then! Casey was born at 4:59 pm on April 15th. she was perfect, and had a head full of dark, straight hair. we got to check out the next day, which was exactly what I wanted. I got enough of hospitals when Stephen was born.

Chris didn't really take any time off from work once we got home so it was just me and the kids most of the time. I didn't mind. we were getting along less and less those days. but the new baby was such a joy. she was so sweet and so good and we all just loved her so much. I decided to breast feed her, which was awesome. I didn't do that with the other two, with Stephen it was because he was sick for so long, with Hannah I had to go back to work as soon as I could. but this time, I had the luxury of staying home and I was able to dedicate all my time to the kids, which I did.

when Casey was about seven months old, her doctor noticed that she had stopped gaining weight, a condition she called "failure to thrive." normally at seven months an infant should have at least doubled her birth weight. Casey was 7lbs. 5oz. when she was born and about 12lbs. at seven months. she stayed at that weight for about three months. we took her for test after test after test to try to find out what was causing this. at one point, her doctor thought that she might have Cystic Fibrosis but test results came back negative, thankfully. actually, all her test results came back negative but she was still not gaining weight.

when all the tests were run and nothing was found, her doctor decided that we should just focus on getting her to gain weight. the quickest way to do that was to tube feed her at night while she slept. the process involved filling an IV bag with PediaSure and connecting that to a tube that was inserted in her nose and fed down her throat to her stomach. a nurse came to our house and taught me how to do it. it was terrible. she never stopped fighting it and I didn't blame her at all. I had to put her through it for about three months. every night. until she showed enough weight gain to give us hope that she would continue to gain weight after we stopped the tube feedings.

she was still small for her age, but not so small that it was a danger to her health. the lack of nutrients during those months when she didn't gain weight did affect her when she got a little older. her bones were more fragile than they should have been. she broke her arm when she was three. her baby teeth weren't really very strong so she got cavities a lot. a lot of her motor functions weren't as advanced as other kids. luckily she recovered from all of that and is as healthy as most other kids her age, which makes everything that we went through completely worth it.

she was always such a sweet little girl. she loved to sing, all the time, and would make up little songs when there was no music playing. she used to say she wanted to be a singer when she grew up. then she decided she wanted to be a star. she had (and still has) a way of wrapping people around her little finger and always got whatever she wanted. she definitely was (and still is) a drama queen. she could cry on command and make it believable at age two. she adored her brother and sister and they adored her. everyone did actually. she was so happy and outgoing and tiny and cute, you couldn't help but love her.

it broke my heart to tell her that her dad and I were getting a divorce. up until that day I think she had a pretty normal childhood. but she took it well, all three kids did. a lot of her friends had already gone through the same thing so I think that made it easier for her to handle. it was probably harder on her when he moved to Utah a couple of years ago. before he moved she would see him about every day, now she only sees him during the summer and on christmas break. but that was his selfish decision and there was nothing that we could do except make the best of it. she's good at that though...seeing the positive when things don't go the way we planned them. I don't know where she got that from.

she's such a great kid. so giving and loyal and generous and funny and weird and sweet and loving and smart and clever and inventive and creative. I am so lucky to have her in my life and so proud to be her mom.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

book meme

I stole this little meme from ginger. feel free to steal it too! I should preface my results by saying that I don't always read children's books, I normally read literature. it's just that I was reading the newer Harry Potter books to prepare for reading the new book (100 days!) and then started reading the older ones so I would have read them all.

You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?
it's hard to imagine wanting to be anywhere other than where I am right now. life is pretty damn sweet for the most part. but bookwise, I guess the world described in Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf would do. especially since the entire book takes place in one day. and it's pretty girly. love, love, love this book!

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
not really. the closest I could come to that is probably Florentino Ariza from Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. he was such a romantic but in a realistic way.

The last book you bought is:
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J.K. Rowling. I heart Harry!

The last book you read:
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by J.K. Rowling. yeah, I know.

What are you currently reading?
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling. leave me alone!

Five books you would take to a deserted island…and why?
  1. One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, my favorite author. I just get lost in the world he created. and the picture of him on the back cover reminds me of my grandfather.
  2. Lolita by Vladmir Nabakov. I loooove Nabakov. I did only read it because of that song by the Police but it turned out to be a pretty damn good book.
  3. The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. one of my favorite books from my childhood. the selflessness of the tree is somehow very moving and admirable.
  4. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. great characters, great love story. I've read this book a million times and could read it a million more.
  5. Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy. another of my favorite authors. Tolstoy's stories are timeless. I could probably fill my whole list with his books.
Who are you going to pass this stick to and why?
I'm posting it here for everyone to steal plus I'm putting it on my livejournal but that's it.

Monday, April 11, 2005

stupid stuff, really.

okay, here's the thing: I don't have any close friends that I can talk to about stuff. I have a few good friends that I can talk to about a lot of things, and I have a lot of superficial friends that I can talk to about superficial things. but that's it really. it's my own fault. I don't make an effort to get to know people. and I don't go out of my way to be closer to the friends I do have. so I don't have anyone to share all the important, personal stuff with, except Brian. usually that doesn't bother me, I actually prefer it. sometimes, though, there are things that I can't talk to him about, because I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him sad. and I can't always write about them here because sometimes he comes here.

so basically, I'm fucked when I have a problem. and right now I do, one that I can't talk to anyone else about. so I'm feeling pretty helpless and sad and hopeless and frustrated. and I don't really know how to fix what's wrong. I've tried, many times, but it always comes back. and I end up right where I am now, which is not good. I hate feeling like this and hate the way my mind works whenever this problem comes up. I wish I knew what to do but I'm really out of ideas.

sorry to be whiny.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

me, a feminist?!?!?

spur-of-the-moment plans were made to borrow a truck Friday night and pick up a new barbecue grill. plans were then postponed until Saturday afternoon so we could go have a few drinks at our bar instead (much better plans!). Saturday afternoon, my brother with the truck called to say that he and a friend of his were already out and would just meet us at Lowe's with the truck and drop off the grill at our house when they were done with their errands. below is the conversation we had afterwards, more or less.

she said: I'm glad there will be boys there to help load up the grill. and they'll be here to drop it off an unload it. I was worried about you doing all that work yourself.

he said: but you would have been there to help! it would have been fine.

she said: I wasn't planning to help. it's big. and heavy! and I'm a girl.

he said: well, if we had gone last night, how would we have managed?

she said: people in the store could have loaded it up. and I guess the boy would have been here to help unload it.

he said (teasingly): but wait...aren't you a feminist? what about equality between men and women? don't you think that women can do anything?

she said: yeah right. you know that's not true. you're thinking of your first wife.

actually, I would say just about anything if it got me out of doing stuff. but I really am a firm believer that there are things that boys should do and things that girls should do. he knows this. and since I am a girl, there are things that I do not do except in an emergency. such as:
  • moving furniture
  • or anything heavy
  • mowing the lawn
  • checking the oil, etc. in the car
  • using the barbecue grill
  • driving on long trips
  • plunging toilets or any plumbing
  • checking out strange noises
  • changing a flat tire

there are probably lots of other things that I can't think of right now. but you get the idea. I know, I know. it's a good thing Brian is such a patient and wonderful man.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

note to self:

enough. stop whining, stop dwelling on the past, stop complaining about your stupid, insignificant issues. there are people with real problems, problems that you will probably never have to deal with. you should be grateful, instead of worrying about things that are never going to change. you don't have to wallow in a story to tell it, you don't have to hold on to all of that anger. be happy with what you have, it's a lot more than most people.


Monday, April 04, 2005

broken promises

so bastard, horrible father, ex-husband #2 is trying to back out on a promise he made to the kids to bring them all out to Utah for a visit this summer. saying that he probably can't afford to pay for three plane tickets, which is a big lie, I'm sure. that son of a bitch always has money but he never wants to let go of it. the little one doesn't have a choice, I make her go. she wants to go anyway, even though she's usually bored because he doesn't really do that much when she's out there. the older two won't really care that much, they were pretty much making excuses not to go as soon as he went back to Utah after x-mas.

still it really pisses me off. because he had to know that he wasn't going to want to spend that much of his precious money when he first asked them all to come out. and really, how much do plane tickets cost? lying about the money isn't what makes me so angry, it's that he made a promise to the kids that he's not going to keep. (almost) nothing pisses me off more than that. and when I calm down enough to talk to him without threatening to cut his balls off, I'll tell him that his behaviour is not acceptable, which is probably the only thing I'll be able to say without completely losing it.

my mother was the queen of broken promises when we were kids. it was constant, she would tell us that we were going to do something or go somewhere or see someone and my brothers and I would get all excited about whatever it was. we'd make plans and talk about how much fun we were going to have. and then the day would come and nothing would happen and she would act like we imagined the whole thing. man, we would fall for that one for years. this little game of hers is one of the reasons why I have a hard time trusting people, I think. because if your own mother would lie to you, why wouldn't everyone else?

she still tries to pull that one on my kids every once in a while. and whenever she does I have to make up some excuse for her so they won't have to think that they can't trust their own grandmother. I know I should just tell her to stop doing it but she's too old to change now. and I'm not really sure she realizes what she's doing or how hurtful it is. but that might just be me making another excuse for her.