Thursday, February 24, 2005

my 100 things

I hope I can think of 100 things that are semi-interesting!

  1. I am 36 years old.
  2. I was born in Fairbanks, Alaska.
  3. we moved from there when I was 1.
  4. so I don't remember it at all.
  5. I grew up in Colorado.
  6. I miss the mountains every day.
  7. I live outside of Columbus, Ohio now.
  8. I've lived in Ohio for more than 12 years.
  9. but I don't consider myself an Ohioan.
  10. I am married to the most incredible man in the whole world.
  11. we have been married for almost six months.
  12. this is my third marriage.
  13. it is also my last.
  14. he cooks dinner almost every night.
  15. we have so much in common!
  16. his nephew used to date my sister.
  17. that's how we met.
  18. we started dating approx. 1 month after they broke up.
  19. I have three children.
  20. one boy, eighteen next month.
  21. two girls, sixteen and twelve.
  22. they are my life.
  23. I love them more than anything in the world.
  24. there were times when they were the only reason I did not kill myself.
  25. they are all amazing and interesting kids.
  26. we have a dog named Phoebe.
  27. she's a beagle.
  28. who sleeps almost all day.
  29. I suspect that she thinks she is a cat.
  30. this list thing is easier than I thought.
  31. I am slowly becoming addicted to CSI.
  32. against my will.
  33. sometimes when I watch it, I get bad dreams.
  34. then again, I have bad dreams even when i didn't watch it.
  35. but it's getting better.
  36. because I feel so safe when I'm sleeping next to Brian.
  37. I have two brothers.
  38. one step-brother.
  39. and three step-sisters.
  40. we are all superficially close.
  41. but I'm actually close to two of my step-sisters.
  42. the third one doesn't really like me.
  43. it's okay, I don't usually mind.
  44. she thinks I flirt with her husband.
  45. which is complete bullshit. but whatever.
  46. I am a Gemini.
  47. which means I am also bipolar.
  48. no offense to other Geminis.
  49. but you know it's true.
  50. maybe this should have been my 50 things.
  51. quit stalling!
  52. I am a HUGE Simpsons fan.
  53. we're talking HUGE HUGE HUGE!
  54. I can probably make a Simpsons reference for any situation.
  55. my poor husband humors me.
  56. that's how I know that he loves me.
  57. well, one way.
  58. we have a godson.
  59. his name is Reid.
  60. he is the cutest baby I know.
  61. he has been out of state about a month.
  62. he will be home next week!!!
  63. we can't wait to see him.
  64. I am an amateur photographer.
  65. it would be cool to make that my career someday.
  66. but I have no idea how to make that happen.
  67. so it probably won't.
  68. I have started to scrapbook.
  69. it was my New Year's resolution.
  70. Brian bought me a kit for Mother's Day.
  71. he makes me say it was from the kids.
  72. I actually enjoy it a lot.
  73. and it's so easy!
  74. I have tons of photos to choose from.
  75. so that helps.
  76. I hate the phone.
  77. and get highly annoyed when people call me.
  78. no matter who it is.
  79. I never get up to answer it when it rings.
  80. because I don't care who's calling.
  81. my favorite comeback is "your mom."
  82. it's the best when I use it inappropriately.
  83. as in "where are my tan socks?"
  84. "your mom!"
  85. it's the worst when I say it to my kids.
  86. as in "who wants to drive me to the dance?"
  87. "your mom. dammit!"
  88. I always laugh when I hear someone say number two.
  89. come on! that's funny.
  90. we once attended a toga-rita party!
  91. that means guests were to wear togas and drink margaritas.
  92. it was Brian's idea.
  93. but not our party.
  94. we wore togas.
  95. so did my two sisters and brother-in-law, Jack.
  96. Jack made his out of Saran Wrap.
  97. it was not sexy.
  98. the five of us were the only ones in togas.
  99. this thing took longer than I thought it would.
  100. but I did it!!! kinda'.

I'm sorry, I don't know how to do the blogger equivalent to the LJ cut. if anyone knows, please fill me in!

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

funny/not funny


funny: watching the dog eat Mike & Ike's! it takes her about five minutes to eat just one, I must have laughed for half an hour!

not funny: I think they gave her gas. oh god, it was so awful! and she's so attached to us she wouldn't leave the room. at least I wasn't sitting on the couch with her.

funny: I heart Huckabee's! we watched it last night. I had no idea what it was about (well, I must have known but just forgot) but it was sooooooo good.

not funny: I came home from work last night and told Brian I was going to put on some pajama pants and a sweatshirt and his comment was, "Why, are we going out later?" big meanie! I guess I am kinda' known for leaving the house in pajama pants to go to the grocery store or out to eat if we're staying in town. but still...

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

I don't know what I expected but it certainly wasn't nothing. and now my feelings are hurt and I want to cry. but I won't because I know I'm just being a stupid girl.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

one day (hopefully soon) I want to spend the whole day on the couch in my pajamas on the laptop checking out my favorite bloggers' links. Fidget has some that I enjoy, so do Cathy, panthergirl, Chick, and last girl on earth. I endeavor to have too many links to check in one day.

and while I'm writing (read as "wasting time until 5:00"), let me say how much I am enjoying this blogger community. everyone is so nice and smart and funny and supportive. I love it. thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read anything that I have written here. you guys are the best.

Thursday, February 10, 2005


did you ever get so frustrated with someone else's stupidity that you wanted to choke her around the neck but you're afraid to because you know that depriving her brain of oxygen will only make it worse?

me neither.


I have so many issues with my mother, I don't even know how to start this post. it doesn't help that it never really felt like she was a parent, and she still has a childlike quality that makes people want to take care of everything for her. today that responsibility falls to my stepdad, but when I was a kid, it fell to me because I was the oldest. I was to keep an eye on the boys, to do the housework, to pretend not to notice when strange men ate breakfast with us (shhhhh - don't tell grandma!).

she was never really affectionate with us, no hugs or kisses or I love you's or hair ruffling. she has gotten better about that with my kids though, so I don't hold it against her. also she never hit us, which in those days said a lot.

my parents divorced when I was about six, from what I can remember. early childhood memories...yeah, don't have many of those. my dad moved back home, to Idaho, I think and we never saw him again. it must have been hard to raise three kids on your own when you couldn't even take care of yourself. I'd like to say that it wasn't all bad, but it probably was.

when she couldn't handle us anymore, we were sent to live with our grandparents for a while while she did who-knows-what. maybe she had a breakdown, maybe she just partied the whole time, I have no idea. it was never explained to us, because our family never talked about things. ever. someday I'd like to fill in those gaping holes from my childhood, but I doubt that anyone would want to tell me all the sordid details.

things were a lot different after we moved. we were living in the country on a farm when before we lived in an apartment in the city. and it was time for me to start school. I was suddenly expected to be a kid and I had no idea how to do it. they may as well have asked me to be a cat, I probably could have faked that better.

my grandmother was pure evil then. she has mellowed with time but I still despise her so much. she was hateful and cruel and malicious and demanding and judgemental. she took every opportunity to make a hurtful remark, to crush my spirits. once she had control of us, she never let go. my grandfather (step, actually) was kind but clueless and uninvolved. he worked a lot and ran a farm after work so he really just wasn't around. he was a good man, somehow married to the devil.

when my mother returned from her sabbatical, the four of us lived with them for a few months. when we did move out, it was only next door. they fed my mother's tendency to shun responsibility, gave her some land and a house and helped her get a car and paid her bills and bought our clothes and while all of that seems pretty generous, to me it seemed like just another way for the bitch to keep control of all of us.

mom worked as a preschool teacher, of all things, and worked in a daycare during the summer. when school was out we were pretty much left unattended, except when I was called over to slave for my grandmother. if I wasn't cleaning or doing chores for her, she wasn't at all concerned with what I was doing. she never bothered to check on us throughout the day or make sure that we were safe even though she charged herself with our upbringing.

my mother would go out a lot on the weekends, leaving us with various babysitters, or her youngest brother. strange men began showing up at the breakfast table again. they were all harmless and usually pretty friendly with us kids, and I personally couldn't get enough of their attention for the half hour before they left, never to be seen again. my desire to have a father was probably pretty obvious then. by the time she remarried, I was out of the house, married with my own kid.

for so many years, I tried to give my mother the benefit of the doubt. I thought that maybe she didn't know that her mother was evil, maybe she thought she was doing what was best for us. then I found out that she had been abused by her father when she was a girl. I think her parents were already divorced by then. after it was discovered, she was sent away to a Catholic school and her mother basically did nothing more to help her. I don't really know what to do with that. it explains so many things, but a lot of other questions are still unanswered. it gives me some insight into why things turned out the way they did, but it makes it harder to forgive her.

I still feel like I don't even know her, that she hasn't ever really been my mother. we live in the same town but I don't see her that often. I call her every other week or so, mostly out of obligation. there are so many things about me that she doesn't know, things that I will never tell her because she's not strong enough to handle them. she has her own image of my childhood, I think I'll let her keep it.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Valentine's Day is coming up. I'm so excited! I told Brian this weekend that it is my favorite holiday because I love all things heart-shaped. we moved in together on Valentine's Day 2003 and we got engaged last Valentine's Day so that makes me love it even more.

we're getting a hotel room Friday night. it's probably been more than a year since we've spent the night alone in a hotel room. I got Brian an awesome ring, a titanium and gold watch, and last night I made a mix cd for him. I listened to it on the way to work to make sure it sounds okay. it's pretty lame when your own mix cd makes you all teary, but I don't care.

I used a font called "Heartland" that has a little heart on each letter and the cover is a picture I took yesterday on the way to work of a beautiful sunrise. the sky is all blue and pink and orange and yellow. here's the track list:

01. have I told you lately that I love you? - Van Morrison
02. stellar - incubus
03. the reason - hoobastank
04. crazy for you - madonna
05. the nearness of you - norah jones
06. I belong to you - lenny kravitz
07. push - sarah mclachlan
08. how sweet it is - joan osbourne
09. so happy together - the turtles
10. here's to love - renee zellweger/ewan mcgregor
11. lover's rock - sade
12. wonderful tonight - eric clapton

"Wonderful Tonight" is the song we danced to at our wedding. and it was the first song we ever danced to so it's really special to us. Brian is always making CDs for me but I've never done one for him. I hope he likes it.

I am getting this from him, which I am really, really, really excited about!

dooney bag

and yes, I know it's not fair that I already know what I'm getting and he doesn't. believe me, I heard all about it last night from the silly boy I married.

plans for Friday night/Saturday morning: hotel room, sex, dinner at Applebee's, maybe a movie, wine, candles, rose petals, a massage, more sex, presents, sleep, wake-up call, sex, showers, check out. the order might change but you get the idea. is it Friday yet?

Friday, February 04, 2005

five months to the day

every time I log on to my blog, that artwork from my last post really makes me think about the wedding and that always makes me so happy. our wedding day was one of the best days of my life. having a kid is unquestionably the most amazing experience I've ever had. nothing could ever be better than that and I have three. but the wedding was definitely a close second, it was such an incredible day. everything went almost exactly as we had planned it and almost everyone we love was there to share it with us. I am so glad that Brian wanted an actual wedding. being so antisocial, at first I resisted. we thought we were going to have a small ceremony and reception but ended up with close to 100 people there. our families did so much to help us and the presents were so thoughtful and generous. it was just perfect. I couldn't have asked for anything more. Brian's brother took pictures for us and they are beautiful. I couldn't stop smiling for a week. and every single day of these last five months has been just as wonderful.

I am so incredibly lucky to have found a man who is perfect for me in every way. someone who was willing to start a life with a woman with three kids and a lot of issues, someone who I trust with everything that I have, someone so thoughtful and tender and sweet and talented and smart and funny. on top of all of that, he is handsome, an incredible lover and can cook! I don't think any woman could ask for anything more. at least I know this one couldn't.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

posting a picture...maybe.

invite artwork
Originally uploaded by mrsdort.
this is actually the artwork for our CD but look at how beautiful Brian's drawing for our wedding invite was/is. we both have it tattooed on our arms (my left, his right).

Fidget posted a link to some of her beautiful artwork recently and it reminded me of this drawing so I thought I'd share.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Brian and I watched part of the George Lopez comedy special Sunday night as I was falling asleep. it was funny to me because he was talking about his family and the weird things that Hispanic people generally do and say. like calling hot dogs "weenies" and how the kids aren't allowed to talk back to the adults so they just walk away muttering hateful things under their breaths. there was other funny stuff too but these are the ones that really reminded me of my childhood. good childhood memories are hard to come by. not that it was all bad, but the good stuff is waaaaaay overshadowed by bad stuff.

being Hispanic is not usually something I spend a lot of time thinking about. it doesn't come up very often for me because I don't look like a typical Hispanic person. my skin is very pale, my eyes are green, I know little to no Spanish. it's easy to understand why people are surprised to hear that I am not actually "white".

the rest of my family has the dark skin, dark hair, dark eyes so I imagine that they deal with the racial issues more than I do. it's not really something they have a choice about, unlike me. I can decide whether to share it or not. unless my stupid ex-husband would beat me to it. he loved to tell other people that I am Mexican. I don't know why. it was most likely the first thing he told people when describing me. jackass. not that I really care who knows but it usually creates a stereotypical image in the minds of people who have not met me. at least that has been my experience.

people tend to say dumb things when they find out. like the girl who asked if I was going to serve tacos at my wedding. what??? worse than that is when people don't know and make racist comments around me, sometimes even people of other races, which I do not understand at all. it shouldn't surprise me though, my grandparents were quite prejudiced against other races, especially Native Americans and Puerto Ricans. no point there, I just think it's interesting. and yet not.

the absolute worst though, is when people do know and still make the racist comments. it doesn't even matter if you're not talking about my race. just the fact that you are thinking and saying these things implies that you will think and say them about Hispanic people when we are not around. it should be universally understood that a person of race would not want to hear racist remarks. that would make everything a lot easier. hell, since I'm wishing for the impossible, I'll wish instead that no one would ever make a racist comment.

I don't know why I'm going on and on about this today. must be in a mood.