Wednesday, June 29, 2005

blogger love

I love my new blog. you know...this one I'm writing to right now. it's not exactly new, I've had it since December, but I still feel like I'm just starting to find my way around here. I used to keep a livejournal, but there was always too much stupidness on my "friends" list. and there were too many people there that I knew in real life, which made it even more annoying. so I'm trying to stay away from it and spend more time here, where I am happy and not annoyed.

I love blogger, and and all the people whose blogs I read daily. actually, I say "daily" but it's more like two or three times a day. at least. I can't seem to stay away. I read waaaaaay more than I write but you all are just so interesting and/or amusing and/or kind. I can't tell you how honored I am that anyone reads this thing, but the people who stop by on a regular basis are just the best! and I want to thank each of you individually by telling everyone else why you are so awesome. thank you for inspiring me to keep writing and sharing and for giving me a minute of your time once in a while.

the list is in alphabetical order, with the exception of my thanks to my friend Ian.

Ian is the one who convinced me to start this blog, as I have said before. he is always at least two steps ahead of me when it comes to this kind of stuff and blogger was no exception. we used to work together, a hundred years years ago, and I consider him one of my best friends in the whole world. he knows me better than almost anyone, knows a lot of my deep dark secrets and is still my friend. he never judges or criticizes me, he has always been supportive and understanding and he always makes me laugh.

I read his blog every day. it's my way of keeping track of what he's been up to and how he's feeling now that we don't see each other five times a week anymore. he was recently diagnosed with Huntington's Disease and has been using his blog to document his feelings and symptoms and thoughts and progress, among other things. I admire and respect him so much for the way he has accepted his diagnosis and for the changes he has made in his life since finding out about it. he makes me cry on a weekly basis but I am so grateful that he gives me these glimpses into his everyday life. and I am honored to be his friend.

I found Raehan's blog via Michele Agnew's site of the day. her blog is very unique-looking and her post were entertaining so I was immediately hooked. I added her to my blogroll the first time I visited her site. I tried to be one of those lurkers who just reads all the posts and leaves an occasional comment but when she made an effort to include me in her "Collecting Favorites" post, I knew that this wasn't the place for that type of reader. Raehan welcomed me to her blog so warmly and sincerely. she is one of my favorite reads.

Average Mom/Yukon Mom was another site of the day, I think. I love the way she writes, it's so descriptive, and the way she refers to her kids as Boy Terror and Girl Terror, and the fact that she is so obviously proud of her so-called terrors. and she posts adorable pictures of them, too!

Ben is one of those people that I've known for years without ever meeting. we met via Ian, who used to run an independent music magazine that I used to write reviews for (I sucked). Ben was one of the people whose music I reviewed. I love Ben. he is incredibly talented and just a really nice guy. he doesn't post as often as I would like but when he does post, he usually includes a new song of his. he is also good for a picture or two.

Captain Picard's Journal is high-larious. I found him when he left a comment on my site as a part of Michele's meet 'n' greet a few weekends ago. I haven't spent a lot of time reading his older stuff but if you are a Star Trek fan, you should definitely go have a look around.

I found Cathy using that "next blog" button on blogger. I think hers was one of the first blogs I started to read on a regular basis. her blog is full of family posts and pictures and she is always so amusing. you all probably missed the post where she painted her pregnant belly like an Easter Egg. it was quite...uh, graphic but also quite beautiful.

Fidget was another "next blog" blog and quite a find! she is a talented artist, loving mother and wife, and damn hilarious. hell yeah, she will post about body odor and poop and being on medication for depression and her love of spatulas! and I guarantee she will make you laugh out loud.

the girls at Go Fug Yourself are always good for a snarky post. since they never visit me, I don't really know much about them. but I do love them, in that gossipy, catty, bitchy girl way.

Jootastic was a blogroll link that I stole from Fidget. a lot of my links were stolen from other people. because I'm lazy like that. I liked her blog right away because there was a picture of Lisa Simpson right at the top. and after reading a few posts, I knew she was a keeper!

I think I stole Last Girl on Earth from panthergirl at The Dog's Breakfast. she is an inspiration, a girl who is pursuing her dream of being a professional musician and actually succeeding without losing her sense of humor. she has probably met more famous people than anyone I "know" and I am completely honored that she graces my blog with her presence occasionally.

Micah World is a fairly new discovery. I think he is a link from panthergirl, one of her Wednesday's Child recommendations. I blogrolled him because he is just silly and funny and he gives away prizes sometimes. he lives in Ohio like me, he quotes the Smiths songs, he posted pictures of hot girls on his blog, he wears a cowboy hat...what's not to love?

every blog I visit seems to have a link to Michele Agnew and once I read her blog, it was easy to see why! if our little blogosphere is a party, then Michele is our host and everyone is invited. I love, love, love the way she encourages us to be a community and the way she entertains us with her questions and games. it's just fun finding new blogs to read through her site of the day posts.

Christine at Mommy Matters is a great writer. she's so entertaining, her children are beautiful and her stories are always funny. she loves tea and They Might Be Giants, she hates facial hair and men with big egos. her blog is so pretty, I just love everything about it!

Carson at Mommylogue was another site of the day, I think. if not, she should have been. her most recent post is about how she doesn't like people and she does go on to say "that probably includes you." her husband is referred to as "Whatshisname" which I find quiet funny, and she has two adorable children. her daughter is four and plays the violin. how impressive is that!

is anyone noticing how many mommies I link to? me neither.

Chick and Dick are linked as Mostly Chick on my blogroll, although Dick does a good amount of posting when he's up to it. I stole them from Fidget and was intrigued by their blog description "...a male & female point of view...We are two former coworkers who share similar ideas on what's absurd...or just plain funny...thought we could offer a unique view on life & stuff..." so yeah, that reminds me of Ian and me back in the day when we worked together. they, and the people that visit them, are hilarious. Chick always seems to be involved in some adventure and lots of crazy things seem to happen to her.

Betsy at My Whim is Law was a site of the day too. she posts lots of stuff about her kids and their activities. her daughter is referred to as Drama Mama (I have one of those too!) and her son is The Mogul. the children have blogs too, which is really cute. Betsy is also a big music lover so we have that in common. you should check out her 80's pictures. she looks so cute!

Not Your Typical Southern Belle has the blog design that I would have if I had thought of it. seriously, show anyone who knows me her blog and mine, ask them to guess which one is mine and they would probably pick hers. so how could I not link to her? plus we seem to have similar interests and I love the way she says whatever she feels and doesn't let people make her feel bad for it.

Annie at One Thing I Hate About Today has a beautiful blog. I love the colors and graphics. she and I are both (as she calls it) serial brides, we both have issues with our mothers, we both love our darling husbands, we both have curly hair! damn, we may even been twins. she seems to be another person who doesn't let people push her around. I really admire that about her.

I found Psychobabble's blog through Blog Explosion and she immediately won me over with a countdown to the release of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince right at the top of her site. plus you can change the skins on her blog (I chose the Fairly-Odd Parents). she is another mommy with a blog and her kid stories are cute and funny!

Quirky A. Chick (the "A" stands for "Assed" according to her) was a site of the day. I love her bright red blog and love seeing pictures of her son, Quirky Boy. this is her description of herself: Short, loudmouthed leftie (both in politics and handwriting) Catholic chick of French-Canadian descent whose life has its occasional moments of poopiness. Nonetheless, if asked, I'll tell you that I've never been happier. And I'll mean it when I say it, too. it fits, and she is great.

Scott-o-rama has been on my blogroll for about a week. I found him on Blog Explosion and linked to him right away. I love his blog design. it's so retro and awesome. the first post I read on his blog was a guest post, since he was in Las Vegas at the time. it was titled "Harajuku Girls" and made me laugh out loud at work. I hope to find some time to sift through his archives soon. and hope that he finds some time to stop by my blog for a visit.

Alli at Sixty-three Days has the most addictive blog in the whole world. I am always impatient for a new post. it's all about her time at one of those troubled teen boot camp places where kids were abused and died. don't visit her for the first time unless you are prepared to read her posts from beginning to end in one sitting. it's that compelling.

I either stole Supervelma from Chick and Dick or Fidget, I can't remember which. the first time I went to her blog, she had a picture of the back of Marge Simpson when she had those really huge knockers and flashed all the boys so they wouldn't shoot Stampy. so yeah. her posts are always so clever and funny and sarcastic. I love them. and her blog template is that argyle one that's so cute.

my most favorite blogger in the whole blogger world is Ginger at Sweet & Somber Fairytale. not only because she designed by lovely blog for me but also because she always seems so bubbly and cute. she's also quite funny and sometimes a little snarky and I really admire her for being a high school teacher (I have high schoolers, believe me, she deserves tons of admiration). and she posts lots of pictures, which I always love.

the mysterious Complimenting Commenter found me. and gave me a compliment! and really, who doesn't love someone who says nice things about you? his or her blog seems to exist soley for the purpose of saying nice things to everyone. sometimes you can even nominate a fellow blogger for a compliment. too nice.

panthergirl at The Dog's Breakfast is just amazing. I want to be like her when I grow up. except that it's too late because even as a kid, she was cooler than me. it is worth a trip to her blog just to read her 100 things. seriously, this woman is incredible.

Therese (pronounced "TUH-Rez") from The Origins of Shoeism was the first blog I started reading on a regular basis, except for Ian's. I found her with that "next blog" button and I flat out love her. she posts about her friends and their misadventures and she always makes me laugh.

Thoughts Outside My Head is another Blog Explosion link. her blog is so, so pretty! Indigo is a fellow thirty-something from the Midwest but unlike me, she has great stories, an iPod and she participates in 5K runs. wow. I haven't been reading her blog for very long but I'm definitely going to spend some time over there soon!

Cara at To Whom It May Concern was a site of the day, too. she is lucky enough to be a stay-at-home mom to her two children. she posts Tuesday is Chooseday questions that I never answer but should and lots of stories about her family. and sometimes she starts debates about controversial subjects but she doesn't allow anyone to be criticized for their opinions. I really respect that.

Todd's Random Meanderings are nice little updates about his family or his life or his movie projects for the people who know him or for people like me who know people who know him. we are good buddies on livejournal and I consider him my friend even though we've never met. I'm sure we'll get around to it sometime. probably at a cookout!

I love Zach Braff. and Scrubs and Garden State and his blog, which isn't updated very often. I think he is one of the funniest people in the whole world. he is the only famous person whose blog I read. except for Ian's.

Zinnia is in the middle of writing a book and is posting chapters to her blog as they are written. it's a really interesting story and it's kinda' neat to get to read it as it's being written. her blog title is "Real E Fun - tales from a non-religious funeral celebrant" which is funnier to me that it probably should be. tee hee!

so that's my list so far. I'm sure I'll be adding lots more to it some time soon. thank you all again for being so great!

Monday, June 27, 2005

don't know why...

Take the MIT Weblog Survey

I guess because everyone else is doing it. and because I'm bored at work today. at least it was semi-interesting.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

my stat counter hit 2,000 today. I'm completely amazed.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

yesterday I got a spur-of-the-moment haircut. I had never been to this hairstylist before so I was pretty nervous. it's hard for me to get my hair cut the way I want, hard to find a stylist who knows how to work with outrageously curly hair. but somehow, she did exactly what I wanted. I LOVE IT!!! before the cut, it was about halfway down my back. now it brushes my shoulders. I can't believe how perfect it is. this picture isn't the greatest but it will have to do.

new haircut

Friday, June 24, 2005

it's Friday!

and I'm posting my photo friday picture on time for once! I just uploaded this picture last night and it happens to fit this week's challenge, Orange:


there are so many colors in this picture but I think it's primarily orange. plus I just love it and will use any excuse to post it. it's a display from the Chihuly exhibit at the Franklin Park Conservatory. we went in March for the Blooms and Butterflies exhibit with Casey, her friend Paige and the baby. everything was so beautiful. we love doing stuff like that.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

we spent the whole day Saturday at Judes' house. Brian spent about six hours cooking ribs:


for a birthday party for me and our friend, Mike:

birthday boy

and I spent the day taking pictures of stuff in my sister's yard (she is such a great gardener):


the baby came over to entertain us for a few hours:


it's always so much fun to spend time with him. he was in a great mood (ignore his expression in that last picture) and he wore us out just watching him run around the yard.

the party was so great. we had ribs and chicken and shrimp and brats and tons of other stuff that Brian didn't make. and then we all sat in the backyard for hours. just listening to music and drinking beers and talking and laughing and having an excellent time. the weather was beautiful, it even got a little chilly! everyone had a good time and I don't think it could have been any better. it was a perfectly relaxing day. I hope we get a lot more of those.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

my birthday, after a rocky start, turned out to be a great one after all. when I got to work, there were no balloons, no huge birthday banner, not even a card. this is how I prefer it. I don't like to draw unnecessary attention to myself for any reason, especially at work. and a big "Happy Birthday" over my cubicle seems to attract attention. I got a few birthday wishes from coworkers, which was nice. and a birthday poem and email from Ian. work was uneventful for the most part. so yay.

when I got home, two of my sisters, two nephews and a niece were there. and Brian of course. he warned me at the door that we had a house full of people, which was very sweet, and gave me a dozen red roses. seriously, who would not love this man? I got two nice cards from my sisters and a new cute shirt. they slowly got the hint that it was time to leave and Brian fixed dinner.

we had yummy steaks and baked potatoes and a nice bottle of Riesling. we debated on whether to go see a movie or not and eventually decided to rent one instead. the night was so peaceful and relaxing, except for some whining from the dog, who was begging for some steak. and the best part was getting a card in the mail from Casey. it really made my day.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

I'm sorry, but...

I'm sticking with this decision, no matter how hard it is. I've given him so many chances and he's wasted every one of them. he needs to know that there are consequences for his misdeeds. he needs to learn to appreciate what he has and work for what he wants and respect other people's property. I've talked and talked and talked but I'm out of words. I'm going to let my actions speak for me now.

this will be the hardest thing I've ever done. but I know it's the right thing to do. I still love him so much but I can't protect him from the real world forever. it's time for him to grow up and start acting his age and see what life is really like.
last night I kicked the boy out of the house. because we found some empty alcohol bottles in his room. again. and some matches. which means he's been smoking something. I called him in Utah last night to tell him, so he would have time to figure out where he's going to go when/if he gets back and so I wouldn't change my mind, because we've already warned him and he either didn't believe us or didn't care. he didn't apologize or try to explain. he said, "thanks for ruining my vacation."

happy birthday to me.

Monday, June 20, 2005

my own personal series of unfortunate events

I normally work from 8-12 on Fridays. it is so awesome having those afternoons off. I usually have a million errands to run but it's nice to get them out of the way before the weekend starts.

this past Friday I was planning to come home and wash the dog and then do a little housework before Brian got home. things started out well enough. until I locked myself and the soaking wet dog out of the house. without my cell phone. and of course I don't know any of the neighbors.

so Phoebe and I had to walk to my sister's house so she could drive me to Brian's work to pick up a key. the dog was completely drenched and still soapy. my sister wasn't home. luckily Brian's dad and stepmom live next door to her place. and, yay! they were home.

the owner's wife answered the phone when I called Brian at work. that's always good. but she did let me speak to him right away, which never happens. I must have sounded desperate. I explained what happened, he chuckled for a minute and said he would be right there. he had to pick us up at his parents, drive us home, let us in the house and then go back to work for two hours. how sucky is that?

the rest of my weekend was wonderful. no really! but I'll write about that later so I can post some pictures. I know you can't wait!

ps - tomorrow is my birthday.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Photo Friday - catch up

I'm posting pictures for the last three Photo Fridays because I've fallen behind in my posting. today is going to be all about posting pictures.

This week's challenge: Sports

I love this picture. my nephew went to Magic Mountain with us for Casey's birthday and in this shot, he has completely missed the ball! mini golf counts as a sport, right?

Last week's challenge: Nerdy

my brother-in-law's cousin, making a nerdy face wearing nerdy glasses and a nerdy Steelers coat. he's actually a normal looking guy but I'm not sure what he was doing when I took this picture.

Two weeks ago: Rare

there's a long story behind this one. Hannah never wears dresses and hasn't worn one in about 8 years. the dress she's wearing in the picture is the dress her sister Casey wore to our wedding. yes, she's wearing it over a purple camo t-shirt. you can't see her grey pants or Doc Marten boots under the skirt. the only reason she's wearing this dress and letting me take a picture of her is because I bribed her with a new hacky sack. Hannah will do almost anything for a laugh.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

I am really grateful that we are such good friends with my sister and her husband. she is such an amazing person, so giving and supportive and just wonderful. she has always been there when I needed someone. there aren't many people in my life that I can count on, she is one of them. she never judges me or criticizes me. she accepts me and loves me as I am. oh, and he's great too.

we had dinner with them last night. it was so nice. the four of us get along so well. it's great to be able to spend an enjoyable evening with another couple that we have so much in common with. we always have a great time with them. we've planned another dinner for tomorrow night and we're seeing them Saturday. I haven't been spending as much time with Judes recently as I have in the past. I hope that's going to change. I do love her so much.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

as of 8pm last night, we are officially kid-free until June 29th. guess how we celebrated...that's right, by having a glass of wine and going right to sleep! yeah, we're crazy when there are no kids around.

yesterday was an exhausting day though. we had to take my parents to the airport, which was more of an ordeal than taking children. they are visiting my most favorite relatives in Boston for about ten days. my stepdad was ridiculously nervous about the flight. to the point where he almost didn't go. he drove us (mostly me) crazy with all kinds of questions and he kept insisting on getting out of the wheelchair when it wasn't necessary. my mother, who had knee replacement surgery in 2000 and forgot to tell the TSA people at the security check, kept setting off the metal detector. they made it, finally. but next time, if there ever is a next time, someone else can take them.

the boy also left yesterday, about an hour after my parents so we spent about three hours at the airport after work. it's almost as tiring as spending hours at the doctor's office with a sick kid.

today I am totally worn out and my allergies are acting up and work is hell. we're going to my sister's tonight to plan out a big birthday party this weekend for her brother-in-law and me! it's going to be great. her kids are out of town until Sunday evening and Brian is in charge of the food so it should be a drinking/eating/laughing good time. even the weather is supposed to be decent, which is almost miraculous.

I keep forgetting to post my Photo Friday picture. this week's challenge is "Nerdy" and I have the perfect picture. I'll try to get it posted tonight but don't count on it.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

when the people who raised you and were supposed to love you no matter what failed to give you a sense of self-worth, it's hard, if not impossible, to find it for yourself after they're done inflicting their damage on a daily basis. I'm trying...but it seems so futile.

yesterday was a busy day for us. we started out the morning watching our godson for about half an hour. he's an irresistable little guy, such a charmer. he has a laugh that melts my heart and fills me up with joy. it's amazing, how much power he has over all of us at such a young age.

his parents were at the doctor, getting an ultrasound of the new baby. and we were the first ones to watch the video with them afterwards. it was incredible, the baby was moving around the whole time. he or she (we don't know yet) almost seemed to be showing off for the camera. watching it took me back to the days when I was pregnant and made me wish that I could have another baby. but I know I'm too old to take care of an infant, and I definitely don't have the energy to take care of a toddler!

after they left, we went to Brian's niece's baseball game. in the rain. they lost 30-8, which sucked. before this game they were undefeated but so was the other team. we stayed for a few minutes afterwards to socialize with his family, which I still find a little awkward. it's mostly me, I know that. but it's still something that I'm not comfortable with yet. and I hate that. because he deserves better.

we had a graduation party after that, for his boss's daughter. I had never met his boss before and only knew a few people from his work so I wasn't looking forward to it at all. to the point where I was trying to find a way to excuse myself from going. I knew that he would still go but I also knew that he wouldn't like going without me so I didn't mention it. I told myself that I could do it, that I was an adult, that we were only going to be there for a little while anyway. it worked, because it was true. and it was fine. I did feel a little ridiculous for being right at Brian's side the whole time but he knows that I need that. I don't like being left alone with strangers. I always feel like they're assessing me and dismissing me immediately afterwards, which is absurd, I know. but it's how I feel.

we had a nice time though and before we knew it, it was time to go. we had another party that evening. a friend's 30th birthday. two of my sisters and their husbands were going with us. they were grilling some hotdogs and hamburgers and there was tons of stuff to drink. it was out in the country, which was so nice. the weather was perfect, a little overcast but still warm with a cool breeze blowing over us every once in a while. there was a little pond on the property and a large stack of wood was set up near it for a bonfire.

it should have been a great time. and it was for the most part. when the bonfire was lit, my sister and I went to sit beside it with Brian and the guy who had lit the fire. it was so peaceful out there, watching the flames and listening to the frogs croaking in the pond. we were talking about my mother (her stepmother) and the fact that her test results would be in at the end of this month. we talked about other things too, unimportant things really. but it was nice and I was enjoying myself.

the rest of the party stayed down by the house. and I could tell that Brian was getting anxious to rejoin them. he asked me if I was planning to stay where I was for the rest of the night. I said that I probably was, which was not what he wanted to hear. I think he felt obligated to stay with me and I can understand why he would feel like that. I told him he didn't have but he said that he wanted to. I could tell he didn't mean it though. I knew he would have preferred for both of us to go back to the party. but more and more people that I didn't know were showing up and it was getting too hard for me to be around them.

so he stayed with us but everytime he left, it seemed to take longer for him to come back. and it made me feel like such a burden when he would eventually make his way back to the fire. if he had been there alone, I know he would have had a better time. I hold him back. I don't mean to but I do. with my stupid problems and stupid fears and my inability to do the things that normal people do. it makes me wonder if there are times when he wishes that he didn't marry me. I don't see how he wouldn't think that. especially when we're surrounded by people like him, who aren't scared of everything and can fit in wherever they go.

I want to be better but I feel like it's too late. the damage has been done and it's irreparable. if I haven't recovered in 37 years, it's just not going to happen. I don't like it but I can accept it. for myself. I can't accept it for him. he deserves better, so much better. I'm scared that the day will come when he won't be able to handle my shit anymore. and I don't think I would blame him one bit.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

edgy...but not in the good way. apologies in advance for being moody.

so the girls left for Utah on Tuesday, which sucks. I always think I'm looking forward to having some time without the kids and then when they leave, I can't handle it. the boy leaves on Monday and it will probably be even worse after that. I'm nervous that he will decide to stay out there with his stepdad instead of coming home. I know that asshole already told Stephen that he was welcome to live out there if he wanted. I hate him. a lot.

note to self: call your stepdad later today. my mother had her tests on Monday and yesterday. so I need to call him to find out how it went. she had to get an MRI yesterday and she is highly claustrophobic so it probably didn't go well, if it happened at all. she couldn't even handle one on those open MRI machines so it's doubtful that she got through it. hopefully it wasn't too stressful for either of them.

Monday, June 06, 2005

the beginning of the end

I guess we all get to that point in our lives when we can no longer ignore the fact that our parents are getting older and when that time comes, I guess it's normal to think about how we will feel when they are no longer with us. unfortunately, there are some people in my family who I do not care about at all and some people who I know I should care more about, but can't. my grandmother (and a few others) falls into that first category. it makes me sad to admit that my mother is in the second.

my stepdad is not well. and hasn't been for quite a few years. he has rheumatoid arthritis and diabetes, he is a long-time smoker and has heart problems that are inoperable due to his other health problems. at age 58, he looks like he's at least 70. this isn't really anything new. he's been sick for quite a while. lately though, I've noticed that he seems to be more frail and tired. he is completely dependent on his pain medications just to get through the day and the medications take a heavy toll on his body. factor in his uncontrollable cigarette addiction (at least two packs a day) and you can imagine how sick he really is.

my mother is his only caregiver. my mother, who I would never consider a proper caregiver for anyone. she does a fairly good job of it, I guess, driving him around, making sure he has his medicine and taking care of the house. she's not very emotionally supportive though, she never has been. and she doesn't deal with reality very well, she'd rather just pretend that problems don't exist. so it's hard to find out exactly what is going on with him at home, even harder to find out what's going on with her. and apparently there's something going on with her.

she's always been pretty flighty and thoughtless and unconcerned with anyone else's problems. she's inconsiderate and childish and forgetful. it's gotten a lot worse recently, especially the forgetfulness. to the point where you find yourself having the same conversations with her two or three times over the course of one meal. it's been out of control for more than a year but she has refused to see a doctor about it. and since she tends to ignore the things she doesn't want to deal with, no amount of nagging on my part could convince her that there might be something wrong.

my stepdad tended to take her side whenever I would bring it up. and say that he thought it was just an act or that it wasn't as bad as I was making it out to be. I think he was scared to admit that there might be something wrong with her. part of that was the normal denial any of us would have if we thought a loved one might be ill but I think the larger part of it was fear of what would become of him if she wasn't able to take care of him anymore. whatever it was, unless I had him on my side, I knew I would never get her to do anything about it. so I quit trying.

I don't know what happened that made her see the doctor earlier this month but it doesn't matter. I do know that she is being tested for Dementia and Alzheimer's this week. I didn't hear about it from her, of course. my stepdad told me yesterday at a family graduation party. he looked terrified when he told me. I didn't know what to say. I still don't know what to say. and I don't know how I feel about any of it.

it seems almost certain that the doctor will find something and I have no idea what that will mean for any of us. I do know that our lives will change pretty drastically some time in the future. I hate that.

Friday, June 03, 2005

time for a new post

I don't like meeting new people. I'm completely convinced that I make a terrible first impression. I don't want to be looked at or talked about or even thought about. I'm uncomfortable at parties when I don't have someone beside me who I know really well. I am so bad at making small talk or initiating conversations. I feel like a total social retard. I'm 36 years old and act like an awkward teenager whenever I meet someone. it's awful.

of course Brian is the exact opposite. he has a way of fitting in wherever he goes and everyone thinks he is a great guy, which he is. I'm so envious and impressed and proud all at the same time.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

I am a sucky friend in real life and in blog life

happy birthday

happy late birthday to:



Christine's son

and Fidget.

I really am a terrible person.


the children's last day of school is Friday. and the three of them are going to visit Casey's dad in Utah for about three weeks. the girls leave on the 7th and the boy leaves on the 13th and they will all be back on the 29th. which means that Brian and I will have the house to ourselves for that whole time!

don't get me wrong, I'll miss them a lot. I always get really sad when they're gone for any length of time. but it will be so nice to spend some time at home alone with my husband. this will be a big change from prior summers when the kids were gone and I would freak out and get depressed and do destructive things. obviously a good change. I don't know what we're going to do with all of our free time but it won't even matter. I'm starting a list of things I would like to do so I'll know what they are when the time comes. lots of picnics and day trips to take pictures hopefully. and maybe we'll try to get away for a weekend while they're gone. that sounds nice.

in other news, I have cramps today. stupid cramps :(