Sunday, January 08, 2006

sober post

I'm so glad I didn't get online when I got home last night. we spent the evening at my youngest sister's house playing board games and having a few drinks. at least that was the plan. we only actually played one game and didn't even follow the rules, so technically, we all just sat around and drank and laughed and acted stupid. it was fun. for me. apparently Brian had a headache and was ready to leave at least an hour before we left.

I hate it when that happens. because I feel like I was being too self-centered to realize that he wasn't enjoying himself. and I feel like he was just sitting there being miserable without telling me and probably feeling resentful about me not noticing him being miserable. I didn't even know he had a headache until we went to bed and he, uh, you know, turned me down when I asked him if he wanted to have sex. so yeah, I got the "not tonight, dear. I have a headache." excuse. at least it was true!

still, it isn't fun to be rejected, no matter the reason. and my fragile little ego can't handle even the slightest hint of rejection. so I feel bad about me and about us and always assume that something is wrong that he's not telling me. I blow things out of proportion and get depressed and each night it gets worse and worse.

yeah, doesn't it sound like a treat to be married to me? who wouldn't want to have sex with a mess like that? and isn't this post the best one yet? now imagine if I had written it last night...scary.