Wednesday, February 08, 2006


for all that I pretend that I don't really like people, it's really not true. fear of rejection and ridicule is really what keeps me from having more friends than I do. plus I don't like to let people get too close, because those closest to you can do the most damage if they choose. it's my loss really, I probably miss out on a lot by being so closed up.

yesterday, a wonderfully smart, funny, sweet, kind, thoughtful, peace-loving girl from my work killed herself. we all found out about three hours ago. I knew she was having some problems outside of work. but no one here had any idea how bad it was. obviously, those of us that were close to her are shocked and devastated.

she was one of the few work-people I knew that I considered a friend. I'm glad she knew that. she and I went through a two-month training class together when she first started working here. we answered phones together for about six-months after that. since our office moved last month, she sat on the other side of my cubicle. I could hear her on the phones every day.

it's so tragic and senseless and almost unbelievable. I can't think straight, can barely get any work done. I look at the same piece of paper again and again. my eyes burn from all the tears I've cried so far today. I just keep shaking my head in disbelief, I'm stunned.

I don't think I've ever personally known anyone who committed suicide. it's a completely different kind of grief.