when the people who raised you and were supposed to love you no matter what failed to give you a sense of self-worth, it's hard, if not impossible, to find it for yourself after they're done inflicting their damage on a daily basis. I'm trying...but it seems so futile.
yesterday was a busy day for us. we started out the morning watching our godson for about half an hour. he's an irresistable little guy, such a charmer. he has a laugh that melts my heart and fills me up with joy. it's amazing, how much power he has over all of us at such a young age.
his parents were at the doctor, getting an ultrasound of the new baby. and we were the first ones to watch the video with them afterwards. it was incredible, the baby was moving around the whole time. he or she (we don't know yet) almost seemed to be showing off for the camera. watching it took me back to the days when I was pregnant and made me wish that I could have another baby. but I know I'm too old to take care of an infant, and I definitely don't have the energy to take care of a toddler!
after they left, we went to Brian's niece's baseball game. in the rain. they lost 30-8, which sucked. before this game they were undefeated but so was the other team. we stayed for a few minutes afterwards to socialize with his family, which I still find a little awkward. it's mostly me, I know that. but it's still something that I'm not comfortable with yet. and I hate that. because he deserves better.
we had a graduation party after that, for his boss's daughter. I had never met his boss before and only knew a few people from his work so I wasn't looking forward to it at all. to the point where I was trying to find a way to excuse myself from going. I knew that he would still go but I also knew that he wouldn't like going without me so I didn't mention it. I told myself that I could do it, that I was an adult, that we were only going to be there for a little while anyway. it worked, because it was true. and it was fine. I did feel a little ridiculous for being right at Brian's side the whole time but he knows that I need that. I don't like being left alone with strangers. I always feel like they're assessing me and dismissing me immediately afterwards, which is absurd, I know. but it's how I feel.
we had a nice time though and before we knew it, it was time to go. we had another party that evening. a friend's 30th birthday. two of my sisters and their husbands were going with us. they were grilling some hotdogs and hamburgers and there was tons of stuff to drink. it was out in the country, which was so nice. the weather was perfect, a little overcast but still warm with a cool breeze blowing over us every once in a while. there was a little pond on the property and a large stack of wood was set up near it for a bonfire.
it should have been a great time. and it was for the most part. when the bonfire was lit, my sister and I went to sit beside it with Brian and the guy who had lit the fire. it was so peaceful out there, watching the flames and listening to the frogs croaking in the pond. we were talking about my mother (her stepmother) and the fact that her test results would be in at the end of this month. we talked about other things too, unimportant things really. but it was nice and I was enjoying myself.
the rest of the party stayed down by the house. and I could tell that Brian was getting anxious to rejoin them. he asked me if I was planning to stay where I was for the rest of the night. I said that I probably was, which was not what he wanted to hear. I think he felt obligated to stay with me and I can understand why he would feel like that. I told him he didn't have but he said that he wanted to. I could tell he didn't mean it though. I knew he would have preferred for both of us to go back to the party. but more and more people that I didn't know were showing up and it was getting too hard for me to be around them.
so he stayed with us but everytime he left, it seemed to take longer for him to come back. and it made me feel like such a burden when he would eventually make his way back to the fire. if he had been there alone, I know he would have had a better time. I hold him back. I don't mean to but I do. with my stupid problems and stupid fears and my inability to do the things that normal people do. it makes me wonder if there are times when he wishes that he didn't marry me. I don't see how he wouldn't think that. especially when we're surrounded by people like him, who aren't scared of everything and can fit in wherever they go.
I want to be better but I feel like it's too late. the damage has been done and it's irreparable. if I haven't recovered in 37 years, it's just not going to happen. I don't like it but I can accept it. for myself. I can't accept it for him. he deserves better, so much better. I'm scared that the day will come when he won't be able to handle my shit anymore. and I don't think I would blame him one bit.