Saturday, December 24, 2005

x-mas eve eve meltdown

yesterday was Brian's work x-mas party. they always have it at the "office" which he thinks is terrible. but the bosses bring in food and drinks and people can bring alcohol, which is pretty cool. they just hang out and listen to music and talk and eat. it sounds fun to me!

I agreed to pick him up afterwards, because his car is still broken. he called at about 5:00 and said that the party was moving to his boss' house so they could play pool. he gave me directions to get there since I had no idea where it was. I've been there twice, I think, but never paid attention to how to get there.

it was already dark by the time I left home. and I'm nervous driving by myself at night, plus the lights from other cars hurt my eyes. I had a vague idea of where I was going but still felt a little lost. their house is out in the country so the streets weren't lit up at all. I tried to follow his directions but just couldn't find the street.

I drove around for about half an hour, getting more and more upset that I couldn't get there. I didn't know the phone number and the battery on Brian's cell phone was dead so I couldn't call him. it was awful. he finally called me to see where I was and I just started crying. he tried to comfort me and even apologized for not giving me good directions but that just made me feel worse. he told me to just go back home, that he could have someone bring him home later.

I felt so worthless, like a huge pain in the ass and a complete burden. I couldn't even do this one simple thing, couldn't follow simple directions. I made him worry and then feel bad for something that wasn't even his fault. it was terrible.

then to top it off, I forgot to go to his parents' house to feed their cats last night until after he got home. and we had to go over there at 10:00 last night to do it. because I was too afraid to go over there (or anywhere) by myself in the dark.

I am so lucky and thankful to have such a wonderful husband who takes care of me and understands me and loves me. but sometimes I can't help feeling like he's going to get tired of all of my bullshit one day. he says that will never happen and that he doesn't ever consider me a burden. but it's still something I worry about from time to time.