Class of '86

Apparently, my 20-year high school reunion is this summer. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it's been that long at all. Other times, it feels like it's been a lifetime. I'm definitely not going. Not just because it's 1,200+ miles away. Not just because it would put me in extremely close proximity to the rest of my family. Not just because there are only about 10 people from school I would even be the slightest bit interested in seeing again and half of them were in a different graduating class.

It's mostly because my high school years were such an unhappy time for me. School itself was no problem, and I had some great friends, but everything else in my life was a nightmare. I was miserable, suicidal most days and faking it the rest. I spent so much time living in my own head, I honestly don't know how I even managed to get out of bed sometimes.

School was an escape for me, if you can believe that. It was the only place I could go where I felt protected, where I didn't have to try to stay invisible. I still hid away a lot, but not from everyone. And it was so easy to pretend to be someone else, someone who liked herself and had opinions worth hearing and was smart and funny and nice. I could pretend to be the person I wished I was, and no one from home was around to point and laugh at my attempt.

I don't really recognize myself when I think about the person I was in high school. And that's a good thing. I can't even imagine what kids I knew then must have thought of me. I'm fine with not finding out though. The people that mattered already know everything now, whether they wanted to or not. The rest of them can think of me as they did in high school, if they think about me at all. I doubt if they'll even notice I'm not there.

another renter

I decided not to use Blog Explosion anymore sometime during Utenzi's stay here. Because it's getting annoying with all the mandatory 30-second stays on the Blog Rocket and Battle of the Blogs. I mean, seriously, enough already. But if I just use it for traffic exchange (which is what I originally intended to use it for anyway) then it's not so bad. Also, I kinda' like the Rent My Blog thing. So, I'm back. And I have a new renter: Bloggin' Bizatch.

Her most recent post is about Boone's Farm (completely cheap, hillbilly wine for those of you not familiar). How could I resist that kind of tenant? She has also been blogging about some of the other things that have been on my mind fairly recently (Botox, my upcoming high school reunion, Brokeback Mountain and Starbucks to name a few), so it was a pretty easy choice. You should check her out by clicking on the thumbnail below my profile. All the cool kids are doing it!

I know, I know

My blog is in desperate need of an update. Once-a-week posts are kinda' pathetic, don't you think? I don't know why I'm not writing, I always have that problem when things are going well. I'm a prolific writer when I'm miserable. Apparently when I'm happy I've got nothing to say. I know I'm not the only one though :)

The girls are on Spring Break this week, which is nice for them. The weather is supposed to be great too. I wish adults could have Spring Break. I would love a week off from work as a family. That would kick so much ass. Casey is going to the Biltmore Estate over the weekend with a friend of hers. She is pretty excited about that. Hannah isn't doing anything special, just hanging out with some friends and relaxing, I guess. Hopefully they both enjoy the break, that really is the important thing.

My brother moved out last weekend, and the boy moved back in. His roommates were leaving the house and he couldn't stay by himself so he's sleeping on the couch again, which sucks. I wish we had a room for him, but we just don't. And no one wants the girls to share a room. He should get the cast off his hand tomorrow so he can finally get back to work. Surprisingly he's looking forward to that.

We had dinner with my sister and her family and my parents last night. Dinner was delicious, the conversation could have been better. Since my sister and I are "the responsible ones" in the family, we had the pleasure of discussing funeral arrangements, what to do with their ashes, what to do if he dies before her, etc. I also learned that my mother is no longer able to work, per instructions from her neurologist, and that she was supposed to be on the Alzheimer's medication (Aricept) a year ago but no one was with her at the doctor's appointment and she forgot all about it. Nice one. Oh yeah, to make things even better, Casey was sitting at the table the whole time.

I guess it's time to think about what we're going to do when the two of them can't take care of each other anymore. And I think that time is fast approaching. He isn't physically well and she isn't mentally well. He gets more frail every day and even his memory is failing slightly. Convincing them that they might need to move to a nursing home or assisted living facility in the near future should be lots of fun. Can't wait for that discussion.

busy weekend

Busy, but good. Friday night we went to watch my brother-in-law's band play. Brian got up and played two songs with them. He was amazing, I am always so proud of him and impressed by how talented he is. He had a great time onstage (I have pictures) but we had to leave early-ish because Saturday was the District Science Fair.

We got home shortly after midnight and had to get up at 6:30 the next morning. Bleh. That really sucked and all three of us were tired all day. Casey didn't win an award, so she's not going to the State Science Fair but she didn't seem too disappointed about it. She really was tired from having to sit in the gym from 8:15 to 2:15 that day. I really don't blame her. She said that she wasn't going to participate next year but I'm sure that was just the lack of sleep talking.

Brian and I had to find something to do while she was busy so we did a lot of shopping (his favorite thing to do :). We did find some good bargains and bought a couple of things for our godsons and the girls so that was cool. We saw AJ Hawk and Bobby Carpenter (Ohio State Buckeyes football players - I have pictures) at the mall and that made Brian a little happier about being there.

It was nice, having some time all to ourselves. We stopped for coffee and talked and had a nice long lunch and talked. I really missed Casey but I did enjoy being alone with Brian for a few hours. We hardly ever get to do that anymore, we almost always have plans or are at home with the girls. I'm going to try to remember to make time just for the two of us.

Saturday was also Stephen's 19th birthday. So after we got home and took naps, we went to his house to wish him a happy birthday and then my sister brought the babies over to hang out for a while, which is always fun. Casey and I went to bed pretty early that night. We were both still really tired.

Sunday was pretty relaxing, except for when I had to take Stephen to Convenient Care at noon because he had injured his hand Friday night. He and his friends decided to have a "St. Patty's Day brawl" and he punched his cousin in the shoulder (in fun). He may have fractured a bone in his hand. So it's in a splint and he has the next three days off from work. It's his right hand too so he can't write or play video games on the computer or play guitar. We have to go back to our doctor in a week or so to see how it's doing. If it's still sore, there's a good chance that something is broken or cracked. The ER doctor said that because of the swelling, they couldn't be 100% sure.

The rest of the day was a typical Sunday. We did some housework and some laundry, Brian did the grocery shopping because he is just that awesome. We watched the Buckeyes lose their game, ate a yummy dinner and watched FOX until it was time for bed. This week should be relatively calm, maybe even a little boring. But we've got some fun plans for this weekend. I'll have pictures :)

blank

I don't know why I'm posting today. I can't think of anything to write about. Oh well, that has never stopped me before!

Casey and her friends did such a good job at the DI tournament. Their skit was very cute and they were very outgoing and seemed to be having fun. They were there for pretty much the whole day and she was completely worn out afterwards. She also had a choir concert on Monday, which was nice. This weekend is the district Science Fair. After that, I think we get a small break from Casey's activities.

Brian has been really busy too. He's in the office almost full-time at work now. We're both excited about that! I really need to send in some pictures for his desk or something. I'm sure it's still pretty empty and plain. He's been working a lot of overtime, which is good for our bank account, but I hate it when he's gone so much.

He's also been practicing with my brother-in-law's band for the last few weeks so he's gone in the evenings sometimes too. Actually, he's playing a few songs with them at their St. Patrick's Day show so that will be very cool. I think he's even singing a little. I can't wait!!! I'm glad he's still playing music and hanging out with people he likes but I miss him when he's not around. I'll be okay though. It's probably good for me or something :)

Not a lot is going on with Hannah, or me. I'm sure we sound boring and lazy, maybe we are. But personally, I enjoy not having a lot to do sometimes. I like having quiet evenings at home, reading or scrapbooking or watching television or playing cards with the kids. I wish we could have more of those nights honestly. Then again, if we did, I'd probably wish for more excitement. There's just no pleasing some people!

ps - It's Utenzi's last day here. Click the thumbnail under my profile to visit his blog. He's got a great post up today about a recent segment on 60 Minutes. Very interesting...

F*ck Blender

The 50 Most Awesomely Dead Rock Stars

Not to spoil it for you but Selena ranks higher that George Harrison? Notorious B.I.G. ranks higher than Elvis and John Lennon? What a bunch of crap.

JOY!

The weekend is finally here. I'm so glad! We don't have a lot of plans either, which I'm glad about too. Casey has her Regional Competition for DI on Saturday. That should be fun. Her team has been working really hard for the last few months and we're excited to see the results! She will pretty much spend the whole day there. We're just going to watch their skit and maybe take her to lunch. I hope she has a good time. I'm sure she will.

I love it that she's so fearless and isn't afraid to be herself. She will try anything that interests her, even if she doesn't think she'll be successful, and I really admire that about her. She's a great kid with a healthy dose of self-esteem and an outgoing personality. I am so proud of her. And so lucky that she is my daughter.

news - bullet-style

• I have a new renter. Utenzi has a great blog, it's very diverse and interesting and he seems like a really nice guy (I noticed that before he bid on my blog). You should check him out, I honestly think he offers something for everyone :) Click on the thumbnail below my profile to get to his blog.
• My brother is living with us for the next ten days...bleh. He is on some kind of house arrest for driving without a license or whatever. Rolling his truck in the middle of the night, probably after spending a few hours at the bar probably has something to do with it. And I'm sure there's more to the story that he's not telling, but he's like that. So he's sleeping on our couch until March 17th, leaving only to go to work. Did I already say, "bleh."?
• Casey participated in her school's Science Fair last week. It was completely voluntary, she's such a little weirdo :) She didn't feel like she spent enough time on her project though, and she wasn't that happy with her presentation board. But she still got a "Superior" rating, which means that she can take her project to the district Science Fair! We're really proud of her, even if she is a nerd.
• Hannah made the honor roll, yay! And the boy is trying to get his diploma this year. I hope he does it. So kid-wise, everything is great. That rarely happens. It feels so strange. In the good way.

irrelevant

Yesterday was lovely. I slept in late, had a yummy breakfast and watched a little television with the dog. I spent some time on the internet, bought something from Ebay, did some house-cleaning and laundry and just relaxed. It really was nice. I didn't come to any major decisions about my work situation, which probably means I'll stay where I am for now. We'll see, I guess.

I finished the book I was reading, A Million Little Pieces by James Frey. Maybe you've heard of it :) My sister lent it to me shortly after the whole controversy started about parts of it being exaggerated. But true or not true, it was a great story. I liked it a lot. I don't care about which parts were lies, I don't care that Mr. Frey may not have actually spent three months in jail or may not have gotten a root canal without anesthesia. I'm annoyed by the people who are acting as if Mr. Frey lied to them personally. It's just a book to me. Well-written, moving and brutal. Hell, I may even read the sequel, My Friend Leonard.

The rest of the day ended well. The girls and I made a cake when they got home from school, Brian made pizza for dinner and we played cards after the kitchen was cleaned up until it was time for Casey to go to bed. It really was a great day. And exactly what I needed.

down time

I think I'm taking the day off tomorrow. At least that's my plan for now. Work has been pissing me off more than usual lately. I don't work well with people who don't think they should be held to the same rules as everyone else. I don't like being held to a higher standard than my peers. It annoys me to be the only one in my department who holds myself accountable for the work that I do. I definitely need a new job, probably at a new company.

The problem is that I make a good amount of money where I am and it will be hard to find something new without taking a big paycut. I think I'm going to try though. Because things really need to change soon. It's possible that things will get better in the fairly near future, but I doubt that my work situation will change all that much unless I do something drastic to change it. And I'm not sure that I care enough to do that.

The other problem is that if I quit, we may not be able to go to Vegas in the fall, which will totally suck. Because we're really looking forward to it. I don't know...it's a tough decision. Either way, things will suck. At least home stuff is going well. We had a great weekend with the girls, lots of fun. I went to my first Secret Treasures party, which lasted about a million years. And I managed to spend the whole day today in my pajamas! It doesn't get much better than that :)

I should have posted this yesterday.

The thing about self-injury is that the pain and blood and scars actually provide a small measure of relief from all the negative thoughts and feelings that drive a person to self-injure. It's a little like shutting your hand in the car door to forget about your headache for few minutes. A "normal" person would just take some aspirin. Someone like me might feel like she wasn't worthy of an aspirin, she might think that the headache was the least of what she deserved. Other people don't get that. Lucky them. It's not a pleasant thought process.

And lucky me, I don't think like that very much anymore. Not that I don't still have negative thoughts about myself, but now I also have a few positive ones to reflect on instead. I have the love and support of someone who has made me realize that the past isn't important anymore. He's given me the ability and desire to live in the present and look forward to the future. It's such a wonderful gift, possibly the most valuable thing he's given me so far. I'll never be able to pay him back for that, no matter how hard or how long I try. That won't stop me from trying though :)

ASHIC

I have a new renter whom you should all go visit (by clicking on the thumbnail under my profile). Wild Abandon is the blog of a 26-year old girl from Mississippi who has been diagnosed as bipolar. Her most recent post is a poem about self-injury, in honor of National Self-Injury Awareness Day, which is March 1. How could I not pick her blog? It's honest and interesting and sometimes funny. She loves Starbucks and kittens and reading, so yeah...check her out.