Thursday was awesome: started out great, made it to work on time. I looked cute, my outfit was very stylish according to Brian and my hair looked good too. Had a yummy potluck for my friend's birthday, she loved her gift from me - very cool. Got some fun texts, worked out (yay!) and came home to my sexy husband and the girls.

Today...not quite as awesome, but still not bad. It was pretty boring at work, although we did entertain ourselves quite nicely with Hannah's bunny suicide books. I love those stupid things! Tomorrow I start my job at Target, that should be fun! And then I'm hanging out with my sister, doing some crafty shopping and then we're drinking beers and playing pool with our sexy husbands - should be more fun! I'm working again on Sunday, eight hours, and that will pretty much be my weekend. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, sometimes I even bore myself.

So yeah, he didn't talk to her. I know...I said I was going to let it go, but everyone knew I was lying, right? And now my eyes are all puffy from crying, which I forgot to mention on twitter. I'm super tired from staying up late talking. I'm disappointed and a little disillusioned, but I guess this is why we aren't supposed to put people on pedestals. No one is perfect, I should know that better than anyone.

It's not going to be a good day. Oh well, there's always tomorrow ;)

Three weeks tomorrow...I don't know why I'm counting, but that's some bullsh!t. Not that I'm surprised really, but whatever.

PS - I'm boring. Sorry about that.

So yeah, I got that job. No biggie, I expected to get it. Not to sound too conceited but I'm old and am willing to work weekends, I have a ton of customer service experience and I know how to talk a lot of shit. Didn't go over well at home, but I knew that was going to happen. Still, not cool.

Anyone know how good my discount will be?

I'm trying to get a part-time job, cashiering at Target on the weekends - how funny is that? To catch up on some bills and have some extra money for x-mas and save up for a trip to one of the Carolinas (can't remember which) this summer. I'm so sick of stressing about money all the time. No one tell Brian though, I don't think he'll be happy about it.

Stupid story

So yeah, we were drinking in the back yard with my sister on your birthday and some of Brian's work peeps showed up. One of them was this chick who likes Brian, big time. She's always telling me how great he is and on myspace and stuff she's always saying how sexy he is. I always thought it was harmless though and I'm not really the uptight, jealous type.

We were all drinking, and having a good time. That chick was sitting beside me and she was trashed. I got up to go to the bathroom a couple of times (big surprise) and the last time, I came back, sat down and she started laughing. Out of nowhere, it was weird. I asked her what was so funny and she said that she shouldn't tell me. So I said, it's okay, tell me what's so funny and she said, "I kissed your husband while you were in the bathroom." WTF?! Then she said that she wanted to do it again. I seriously didn't know what to do or say.

Now, I trust Brian. Trust him completely, I know he would never cheat on me or do anything to hurt me. So that's not the problem. After everyone left, we went to bed and I asked him about it. He said that it was weird, that it made him really uncomfortable. Since we were both drunk I decided to let it go. The next day I asked him about it again, asked him to tell me what happened. He said that she just walked up to him and started kissing him. He said that at first he thought it was me, and when he remembered that I had just left, he pushed her away and that was the end of it. She went and sat back down and then I came out a few minutes later.

I asked him if he would have told me what had happened if she hadn't. He said yes and I believe him. I told him that I didn't want us to hang out with her again and that I didn't want her to hang out at our house anymore. I asked him if he was going to talk to her about it and he said that he would. I believed that too. On Monday after work, I asked him if they had talked and he said no. That they didn't work together that day. So I let it go for a few days.

The next time I asked him about it, I was on my way home from work and he said, I'll tell you later. So I waited...after dinner, nothing. All night, nothing. He didn't bring it up. When we went to bed, I couldn't wait anymore so I brought it up to him. He kinda' laughed and said, you'll think this is funny. Said that when he went up to her to tell her that he wanted to talk to her after work, she said Tell your wife hi for me. I just love her!

Yeah, like I would think that was funny. It really pissed me off, actually, because I felt like she was rubbing it in my face and being a bitch. So he didn't talk to her that day, and told me that he didn't think he was going to because "that's not how she usually acts." What-fucking-ever.

Oh my gosh, I was so mad! I couldn't believe he was defending her to me and that he thought it was funny that she was being a two-faced bitch to me. I was upset that he didn't think he had to say anything to someone who hurt me and made me cry and did that to me in my own house. I got out of bed, couldn't get to sleep and just sat on the couch crying until about 2
o'clock in the morning. When I finally went to bed, he woke up and said that he was sorry and that he would talk to her the next day. I told him to do whatever he wanted and that if something like that ever happened again, I didn't want to know about it.

Things were tense between us the next day, I was still really hurt about the whole thing. I spent most of the day upset, sending long ranting texts to a friend, trying to decide whether I was being an irrational hypocrite or if I was allowed to be pissed off about it. We haven't talked about it since that night though. I have no idea whether he talked to her or not. But I decided that I don't care, that I'm not going to let it get to me anymore. I meant it when I said that I'd rather not know if something like that happens again. Because I do trust him, even if he's clueless and stupid about skanks. And even if he ever does cheat on me, I don't think I could handle knowing about it. Besides, I already know that I would forgive him if he did, so there would be no point in knowing that it happened, right?

Damn, that whole thing really sucked, I'm so glad that it's behind us. We're fine, back to normal. I don't know...it was very upsetting, even though it was actually nothing.

I guess I just expect too much. I'm sure it's hard to wrap your mind around my past and how fucked up I really am almost every minute of every day. I don't do normal things - I can't, and I have a million irrational fears that never leave me for a second. And when you say mean things to me, I honestly just want to curl up and cry but instead I act like I'm fine and you just keep on thinking I'm better. So I must be good at pretending I'm fine. Or you're just good at pretending that you don't notice when you hurt me.

I need a fucking drink.