I've said it before I know, but everyone here is so awesome. I really, really appreciate all the nice comments and encouragement. since I don't know the best way to respond individually, I'm going to answer some of you now.

Croaker: thank you for the comment. I don't know exactly how you're feeling right now, but I've been there. trust me.

Anisa: you really are so sweet! I hope things get better for you too. and I'm very glad that you have such a wonderful husband to make things easier for you!

Jootastic: you are so right! I'm glad you know what I mean.

Ginger: thanks for your thoughts. a lot of yucky stuff is going on right now but a lot of good stuff is too. so I'm trying to stay focused on the positives. it's not always easy though.

Maribeth: one of my favorite things about the blogosphere is the support and encouragement you get from people who don't even know you. it's such a powerful thing.

Annie: it took us both a few tries to figure it out, didn't it? at least we finally got it right!

Ben: I KNOW!!! so do they, but apparently, they think it's cool anyway. *shakes head* kids!

Indigo: yes, it's my son. and yes, it's been incredibly tough. thanks for the comment though.

Ruben: to each their own, indeed. what can you do anyway? they have the right to give their son any stupid name they want. you'd think I would be more understanding though. when we named our daughter Hannah, everyone acted like it was the worst name in the world.

and also, Ruben, thank you for sharing some of your positive thoughts with me. you are amazing.

love you guys!!!

sucky stuff

as of today, I haven't seen or talked to the boy in 23 days. that is forever. I'm still completely devastated every time I think about him moving out but I know it had to be done.

all kinds of stuff reminds me of him and whenever I think about him it makes me so sad. I wish I could just talk to him for a few minutes to make sure that he's okay. we don't even know exactly where he's staying.

he still IM's Hannah, which is good. at least he knows we're moving!

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my pregnant sister is having another boy. and they're probably naming him "Gage". that's not a name for a person. also, her completely useless, waste of space husband is being a useless waste of space again and they are probably splitting up for the five hundredth time. apparently, he hates her, thinks she's a bad mother (which, surprisingly she's not) , never wanted another kid and only agreed to get her pregnant because he felt guilty for cheating on her earlier this year. sounds like a great guy, huh?

she's no picnic either. she's bitchy and controlling and bossy and selfish and whiny. they dated for about a month before she got pregnant the first time and were married five months later. they've been fighting and splitting up and getting back together ever since. she says that she still loves him but I know that the biggest reason behind that is because she thinks he's gorgeous. to me he looks scrawny and weaselly. I hope he goes away soon.

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my mother is getting worse very quickly. on Thursday, she has lost her purse and on Friday, her car keys. Saturday she disappeared for about an hour and a half, causing my stepdad to call me crying because he didn't know where she was. she can't keep her work schedule straight and can't remember when her doctor's appointments are. she is having trouble doing her job and keeps forgetting to take her medication. her doctor still doesn't know what the problem is, there is a mass or an indent on her brain and something going on with her heart. more and more tests are being done. what exactly they think it is, they aren't telling.

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if I didn't have a wonderful husband who loves me and supports me and keeps me centered, I would be going out of my mind right about now.

Photo Friday

this week's Photo Friday challenge is attractive. here's my entry. it's another picture from the Chihuly exhibit at the Franklin Park Conservatory:

so our billing system is not up at work, which means that I have been here for three hours with absolutely no work to do. I could go home, but would have to use vacation time. so I'm going to try to stick it out until the system is working.

I'm not good at hanging out here when there's nothing to do. plus I keep thinking that I could have been home packing instead of wasting all morning on blogexplosion.

of course, as soon as I start writing a new post, the system is available.

UPDATE: apparently I "spoke" too soon about being able to work. yes, the system is available but is throwing out errors like candy. stupid stupid stupid.

in other work news, I was sitting at my desk this morning (with nothing to do) when I noticed there was a bad poopy smell nearby. it didn't go away either. so I assumed that maybe someone had gas, which was unfortunate. but when the smell still lingered about an hour later, I realized that I had stepped in goose poop on the way in from the parking lot. ewwwwww.

lots of good stuff

Brian and I went on a mini-vacay with my sister and her husband to Put-in-bay this weekend. we left Friday night and came back Sunday afternoon. we had so much fun! the weather was warm but overcast so I didn't have to worry about a sunburn. we rented the world's slowest golf-cart to take us downtown to all the shops/bars. it didn't rained until we had been on the island for about six hours, which was perfect. I didn't die or hyperventilate on the ferry ride. we drank a bunch of yummy wine (too much!) at Heineman's Winery.the girls stayed with my other sister and it was nice not having to worry about them. the only bad thing was that it was kinda' dreary so I didn't take a lot of pictures. I'll post the ones I have after I finish reading Half-Blood Prince.

speaking of which, I am so happy that the new Harry Potter book is finally out! I've been waiting so impatiently, ever since I finished reading Order of the Phoenix a few months ago. since we were out of town this weekend, I didn't get mine until yesterday afternoon. so as soon as I finished rereading OotP, I started on HBP and read until bed time. Casey is already reading over my shoulder, impatient for me to finish so she can read it. I told her to read Order of the Phoenix again, which she agreed to after a little complaining. when I called her earlier today, she said she was reading. I should have asked her what she was reading!

we're moving at the end of this month. to a great house that is less than a block away from our current house. it's perfect for us. so much bigger than the one we're in now. the rent is a bit higher than what we're paying now but the house is a million times nicer so it will totally be worth it. we're so excited! and the girls can't wait either. we're signing the least tonight so if we get the keys I'll take some pictures and post them.

yay for good stuff!!!

haloscan is here

my favorite person in the whole blogger world has added haloscan to my blog for me because I am lame and couldn't do it myself.

Thank you, Ginger!!! you're the best.

a few of the many, many perks of being a girl...

in no particular order.

• not having to drive anywhere if there is a boy in the car. and not having to pump gas. both of these are HUGE perks in my book.
• no heavy lifting.
• you can have a big pink blog and love it and not be embarassed about how much you love it.
• Hello Kitty stuff is appropriate at any age.
• it's okay to cry at movies and stuff.
• sparkly things. and lip gloss. and scented lotion.
• not having to go up to the bar for drinks.
• girls can admit that other girls are hot without being called gay.
• having the car door opened for you.
• getting flowers.
• motherhood.
• sisters.

I'm sure I've left out a few really important ones but for me, these are the best.

sincere thanks to everyone who left a comment on my post from the other day. and thank you to everyone who read it but didn't know what to say. I really appreciate your concern and encouragement.

you guys are the best.

I'm not really in the mood for a real post after yesterday so I'm just going to put up some mushy Brian stuff from my old journal. I hope no one minds. nothing makes me feel better than thinking about my husband and how much I love him.

pieces of an actual conversation. this is why people are sick of us:

when you say the words, "I love you" I think my heart actually stops beating, overwhelmed by the emotions. I need a second to take it all in, to let the feelings you create wash over me. my head gets lighter, my thoughts scatter, my eyes water a little. I take a deep breath to try to collect myself and slowly exhale as I say, "I love you too."

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I said, "could you do me a favor?" and he unhesitantly said, "anything." then I started to cry.

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the most amazing, giving, sweet, kind, thoughtful, unselfish, honest, supportive, loving, caring, perfect man I have ever met loves me. just the way I am and more than anyone else ever has. unbelievable, I know.

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me: from the very first day, I felt at ease around you. I knew you were someone special, someone I could let my guard down around, someone I could trust. and the amazing this is...I still feel that way. you've always been there for me, you've never let me down. you've supported me through probably the hardest thing I've ever been through and even when I was at my most miserable, you always made me feel better just by being by my side. thank you so much for everything you do for me, and for the children. I know I will never be able to thank you enough for the difference you have made in my life but I'm sure going to try. I love you.

him: i give all my thanks to you honey, you are the best thing to ever come into my life. i feel like my life started when i met you, and i can't wait to spend forever thanking you for it. i love you.

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questions unanswered:

you ask what I'm thinking and I usually say nothing but the truth is I'm probably thinking about how great it is to be with you.

you ask how I feel and I don't say a word but the truth is there aren't words to describe it, at least no words that don't scare me.

you ask what I want and I ask what you want but the truth is we both want the same thing, we're just too afraid to say it.

you ask why I'm with you and I say it's because I like you but the truth is it's more than that, so much more.

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I know that words are often meaningless.
I know that life is pain.
I know that the past still haunts me.
I know that will never change.

I feel like giving up sometimes.
I feel like my world is so dark.
I feel so alone when you're not here.
I feel so much better in your arms.

but I believe in our future,
I believe in the things you say.
I believe that we'll be so happy
even if the hurt never goes away.

Carson had this posted to her blog and I wanted to play so I had to post it in mine.

Please leave a one-word comment that you think best describes me. It can only be one word. No more.

Then copy & paste this in your blog so that I may leave a word about you.

ugly post...read at your own risk

I was six years old, from what I can remember, playing hide-and-seek with my cousins and brothers at our grandparents house. it was another one of those days where we had no adult supervision. my father had already moved out for the last time, my mother was at work. as long as we stayed outside, no one else really cared what we were doing and they never bothered to check on us. besides, our uncle was with us. he was the baby of his family, everyone's favorite, the boy who could do no wrong, the star. he was charming and funny, always the center of attention and he always got whatever he wanted. he was eight years older than me.

he could talk us kids into doing anything. jumping off barns, catching crayfish in the irrigation ditch, chasing sheep in the fields, climbing apricot trees, shooting BB guns and slingshots. he was like our big brother. we always looked to him for something to do, and when he wasn't busy with his friends he indulged us. playing hide-and-seek that day was his idea.

I was a quiet kid, very timid and shy. a daddy's girl whose daddy wasn't around anymore. I missed him so much. he had been gone for about a year by that time. and I was just starting to figure out that he probably wouldn't be back.

it was probably summer, I don't remember exactly. I do remember it being hot outside. I remember a slight breeze and the sound of it moving through the leaves. I remember someone counting, I remember my uncle grabbing my hand and telling me that we should hide in the garage. I remember thinking that we weren't allowed in the garage but before I could say anything he was pulling me towards it.

we hid behind the car, an orange VW bug. he was standing behind me, so close that I felt his breath on my neck. it was dark and cool and quiet. he whispered in my ear for me to watch the door and be quiet so no one would find us. then he wrapped his arm across my chest, pulled me in close and put his hand into my shorts. I didn't make a sound and just kept my eyes on that door.

it felt like we were in that garage for hours, although it couldn't have been more than a few minutes. I couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't think, couldn't breathe. finally, whoever was "it" gave up and called, "Ollie, Ollie, oxen free!" and the game was over. as we walked towards the door, he leaned down and said that if I ever told anyone what had just happened, he would kill me. and I believed him.

there were so many opportunities for him to be alone with me and he took advantage of almost every one of them. when my mother would go out at night, he was our babysitter and after the boys were asleep, he would send me to bed, only to follow behind me a few minutes later. he was also in charge of us during the day when she worked and my grandmother was busy. the boys would be sent outside to play and I would stay inside alone with him.

he loved to torture and torment me, physically and mentally. I wasn't allowed to shut the door when I had to use the bathroom, especially when he had friends over. he knew that I was afraid of water and was always threatening to drown me. he liked to stab me with things, a meat hook once, a screwdriver, an ice pick, assorted knives. he would shock me or burn me or hit me whenever he thought that no one was looking. on the rare occasion when I would tell someone about him hitting or cutting me, I was told to quit crying and was sent back outside.

he molested me for years. even after he moved away to California he would always manage to find a way to get me alone whenever he came back to visit. things progressed from him touching me to kissing me, to him forcing me to touch him and eventually to rape. he was also abusing one of my cousins, usually on separate occasions but I do remember him making me watch him with her and then making her watch him with me whenever he could arrange it. she was a year older than me. the two of us have never talked about any of this.

it was easy to pretend that none of it ever happened. easier than admitting that it had. because it was just too horrible to be true and I doubt that anyone would have believed me if I had told and I really was terrified that he would kill me. he had everyone wrapped around his finger. they all thought that he was an angel and I was just another annoying little kid. no one suspected for years and even then, it was never acknowledged to anyone beyond my grandmother asking me if I had seen him one day when she got back from the store and wondering out loud what was going on between him and my cousin.

to this day, I don't think anyone in my family knows about any of this. I know I haven't told anyone about it except my first husband and Brian. he wishes I would tell my mother about it, he wants everyone to know the truth. but I can't do it. even though I know that I should. I don't have the energy to deal with it, with them. Brian also wishes he could find my uncle and beat the shit out of him, which I appreciate but discourage. I'm so glad we will never have an occasion to be in the same room as him. I doubt if I could restrain Brian if they ever did meet. I'm not even sure I would try.

Candid

my photo friday entry. this week's challenge: candid



I don't get it...

pictures as promised

some photos from our trip to the beach:









and the fireworks:

so last night wasn't bad. it wasn't great but it wasn't terrible. we spent most of it moving Casey's stuff into the now empty bedroom. the girls don't have to share a room anymore, which makes them both very happy. I think they could tell that I was a little sad because they were extra sweet and funny yesterday. so was Brian. he called me at work today on his lunch hour, just to see how I was doing, which was completely unexpected and wonderful.

I wanted to post about our holiday weekend yesterday because, except for that one thing, it was awesome. and I have some lovely pictures to post too, if I can get some time on the internet at home tonight.

we spent part of Friday and most of Saturday helping my youngest sister move from her current upstairs apartment to the one directly below it. and since they weren't moving far, they didn't bother to pack. anything. which sucked for those of us (me and Brian) that were "helping" them move. she had to work, plus she's pregnant, so she didn't really do much. but her husband was home and asked us to come over at 12:15. when we got there, he was giving some guy a tattoo. so we just started moving stuff without him until everything but the big stuff was done. then he and Brian moved the furniture, we straightened up what we could and left.

Saturday night we met most of the family for dinner at a steakhouse in our little town to celebrate my bro-in-law's 23rd birthday. dinner was yummy and they had a band playing outside on the patio. the weather was beautiful and we had a great time. after dinner, we all went back to the new apartment (hence the straightening up) for cake, etc. we finished up the night by meeting my other sister for a couple of drinks at a bar that was ridiculously cold. I spent the entire time shivering. no joke.

Sunday we went to a cookout at my sister's in-laws with Casey. her in-laws are a great bunch of people. I love hanging out with them and I love the way we all treat each other like family. my sister and her husband have been married for sixteen years so we've all known each other forever. our parents were there too, which was a nice surprise. there was tons of food and cute little boys running around making us laugh. it was a beautiful sunny evening and again, we had a great time. we made plans with my brother-in-law and his brother to take the kids to Buck Creek the next day.

I don't swim, for those people who don't know me. and I'm not really fond of water (read as: I'm too embarassed to admit that I'm afraid of water). and I'm incredibly not tan. so, I wasn't really looking forward to spending the day by the water but I didn't complain. instead I loaded up on sunblock and bottled water and turkey sandwiches and a big old blanket and off we went.

the kids (Casey, my niece and nephew) had so much fun. the water was cold, apparently, but that didn't stop them. I sat by the edge of the water and took tons of pictures. when they needed a break from swimming, they came back up near the blankets and took turns burying each other in the sand. it was super hot out but there was a nice breeze blowing so it wasn't terrible.

that night we got together with my sisters, their husbands and kids for fireworks. again, I took a ton of pictures, about five of them turned out decently. one of them is spectacular! no lie, you'll agree when you see it. or not.

anyway, there were a lot more good things than bad this weekend. I need to try to focus on that instead of letting a few bad things ruin my whole day/week. having a lot of good things going on is new for me though, so it might take some time.

too much information, none of it nice.

from the birthday calculator thingy

As of 7/6/2005 8:31:09 AM CDT

You are 37 years old.
You are 445 months old.
You are 1,933 weeks old.
You are 13,529 days old.
You are 324,704 hours old.
You are 19,482,271 minutes old.
You are 1,168,936,269 seconds old.

I left for work this morning, walked outside to find that it was raining and that Brian forgot to take the trash to the curb. of course the trash bin was overly full. of course I had straightened my hair. of course I had to take the trash out and now have not-great hair today. I was dreading going to work more than normal because this is my first day back since finding out that I didn't get the promotion I applied for. bleh.

I was in a bad mood already because the boy moved out yesterday and was a complete ass about it. he's really mad at me for kicking him out but things only got worse once he got back from Utah. not that he broke any more rules but his attitude was horrible. the kids all got back on Wednesday. it's never been a bittersweet homecoming before, which sucks.

after I got home from work on Friday, I told him that he needed to figure out what he was doing and where he was going to live. I think if he would have apologized and asked us not to make him leave, I might have changed my mind. but he was still incredibly defiant and disrespectful and called me a hypocrit for being mad at him for drinking. he said that he wasn't sorry for anything and that he didn't think I could legally kick him out until his court costs from his juvenile probation stuff were paid. I told him I was paying them next week and that he had until Monday to get out.

he left the house right after our talk and didn't come back until Sunday afternoon. when I asked him if he found somewhere to stay, he said that he had. when I asked him where, he said that it wasn't any of my business. when I asked him why he wasn't staying there yet, he said that he had one more day before he had to leave. he then managed to eat all of the snacks that we had gotten for the girls that were supposed to last all week in about 24 hours, invited three of his loser friends over while we were at Buck Creek Beach yesterday to help him pack and eat a ton of other stuff, and left without saying a word to anyone.

it's for the best, I keep telling myself that. he obviously has a lot of growing up to do and hopefully being out on his own will help. he is being a huge jerk to us and the girls but it still kills me to know that I'm not going to see him for a while. Brian isn't being very supportive right now either. I can't talk to him about it without him getting angry. I understand that he's frustrated with the boy but I wish he understood that I just need him to be there for me and he can't seem to manage that right now. I can't imagine how this day could get any shittier.

used in the centerpieces at our wedding reception

my entry for Photo Friday. this week's challenge = used: