resolutions - a few days early

dude, resolutions suck. but as one of my favorite bloggers, karlababble, said earlier this week, it's a tradition. you should definitely check out her resolutions, because they are so good you'll want to steal them for yourself.

so, yeah...resolutions. shit, I don't know. I have so much room for improvement, it's hard to narrow it down to a list that's not overwhelming! I'll shoot for the top five:

1. eat healthier. or at the very least, stop eating so much crap. it should be easy enough. a few years ago, I completely changed my diet, started working out and lost about 50 pounds. then I met my wonderful future husband and stopped going to the gym, he took me out to dinner all the time and I gained it back. good times. which leads to my next resolution

2. be more active. I don't mean working out five or six times a week but it would be almost impossible to be less active so this one is kinda' cheating. although I guess I do have the option of keep my activity level exactly the same. I need to take walks, play tennis, do yoga. you get the idea.

3. take more pictures. this will be a big step towards professional photography, which is my ultimate career goal. and I haven't really made any strides in that direction in quite a while. it's pathetic really, I just need to get out and do it. no excuses.

4. find a job that doesn't make me die. or at least get more money for what I'm doing here. there are a lot of things that I do that no one else knows how to do and I have no backup for any of my responsibilities. some of my reports are read by the boss of my boss. and her boss and his boss. so yeah, it's a big deal. but I'm not really comfortable saying, "you guys would be so screwed if I left. I need more money." I need to be that kind of person. or I need to do something else. because my work is not valued here. screw that.

5. be more patient. with everyone. my kids, my husband, my mother, my sister, my co-workers, the outside world in general. I would have a lot more peace in my life if I could just let things go and not take them personally. and peace = good, I need peace.

so, that's done. of course I could go on for days but I think I'll stop at five. I really should try to spend more time and care on my appearance. and I should blog better. and do more house cleaning. and, wait, enough already. jeez, I'm not trying to be perfect.

love it!

I finally got tired of the clump of gray on my side part and dyed my hair this color:



ps - yes, my skin is really that white ;) and I put up a different picture on my photoblog.

x-mas

our weekend was lovely, as most of them are, aside from my mini-meltdown Friday night. I'll have to post some x-mas pictures this week. x-mas eve was so much fun, almost my whole family was there. we joked, laughed, ate, drank, talked and opened presents. it was completely exhausting though. by 8:30 I was ready for bed, but mean Brian wouldn't let me go to sleep that early. luckily the kiddos were tired too so we filled stockings at about 9:30 and I was asleep by 10:00.

our new x-mas morning tradition (since we moved in with Brian) is to wake up early and open presents and then drive over to Brian's brother's house for a yummy breakfast and gift exchange. his brother works third shift so we have to be over there before 9:00, which means we have to get up at about 7:00 to open our presents first. bleh. I hate getting up early, especially when I have the day off. but it's worth it because we always have a good time with his family and they're always so generous with the kids, which is the most important thing anyway.

Brian made a delicious x-mas dinner and his mommy came over with more wonderful presents. I really got some great gifts this year, including Simpsons' Clue, which is freakin' hilarious. Mr. Smithers as Mrs. White is my favorite, even though Hannah picked him/her every time we played.

everyone liked all their presents. Casey got a bunch of gift cards and money to spend on books at Borders and Barnes and Noble so she was really happy about that. and Brian made her a beautiful bookcase because she had already filled up her old one. Hannah and Stephen got lots of new clothes and some money too so they are happy teenagers.

I got exactly what I wanted this year. we are all together and everyone is healthy and happy. I know that's sappy and cliché but that's how I am sometimes. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday (or weekend if holidays aren't your thing). I'm looking forward to reading all about it as soon as you get back to your normal blogging schedules!

ps - am I the only one working today?

x-mas eve eve meltdown

yesterday was Brian's work x-mas party. they always have it at the "office" which he thinks is terrible. but the bosses bring in food and drinks and people can bring alcohol, which is pretty cool. they just hang out and listen to music and talk and eat. it sounds fun to me!

I agreed to pick him up afterwards, because his car is still broken. he called at about 5:00 and said that the party was moving to his boss' house so they could play pool. he gave me directions to get there since I had no idea where it was. I've been there twice, I think, but never paid attention to how to get there.

it was already dark by the time I left home. and I'm nervous driving by myself at night, plus the lights from other cars hurt my eyes. I had a vague idea of where I was going but still felt a little lost. their house is out in the country so the streets weren't lit up at all. I tried to follow his directions but just couldn't find the street.

I drove around for about half an hour, getting more and more upset that I couldn't get there. I didn't know the phone number and the battery on Brian's cell phone was dead so I couldn't call him. it was awful. he finally called me to see where I was and I just started crying. he tried to comfort me and even apologized for not giving me good directions but that just made me feel worse. he told me to just go back home, that he could have someone bring him home later.

I felt so worthless, like a huge pain in the ass and a complete burden. I couldn't even do this one simple thing, couldn't follow simple directions. I made him worry and then feel bad for something that wasn't even his fault. it was terrible.

then to top it off, I forgot to go to his parents' house to feed their cats last night until after he got home. and we had to go over there at 10:00 last night to do it. because I was too afraid to go over there (or anywhere) by myself in the dark.

I am so lucky and thankful to have such a wonderful husband who takes care of me and understands me and loves me. but sometimes I can't help feeling like he's going to get tired of all of my bullshit one day. he says that will never happen and that he doesn't ever consider me a burden. but it's still something I worry about from time to time.

so busy :|

this week was supposed to be nice and calm and ordinary. just a normal week until Saturday. but one of Brian's teeth broke over the weekend, so I had to schedule an appointment for him with the dentist on Tuesday. the dentist couldn't pull the tooth so we had to schedule an appointment with the oral surgeon on Wednesday. he also had an appointment Wednesday morning with the neurologist about his head twitching thing, but I rescheduled that one.

his car isn't working right now (the alarm is flipping out and not letting the car start) so I had to leave work at 11:30 to take him in to have the tooth removed. when we were about ten minutes away from the office, he realized that he forgot the x-ray that our dentist had done yesterday. and of course, the oral surgeon would need that x-ray and of course, we were about 30 minutes away from home.

luckily, our dentist was close by. unluckily, they were out to lunch until 1:00. I called them at 1:00 and they made a copy of the x-ray. I drove to their office after leaving Brian at the oral surgeon's to fill out paperwork and drove back with his x-ray. by this time it was about 1:45. I was starving and have trouble with low blood sugar so I had to leave after they took him back. I somehow managed to find the world's slowest McDonald's and by the time I got back to the dentist place, it was about 2:30 and he had just finished. poor guy, he looked really miserable and tired and sore.

we drove home and I had to keep him awake the whole time because his gums were bleeding. I know he was just exhausted, and in terrible pain. it must have been very frustrating not to be able to just lie down and sleep. he ended up not going to sleep until about 10:00 but by then he was feeling a lot better. still a little sore, of course. but much better.

I'm so happy he's doing better. he was still sore this morning but he did sleep through the night for the first time since Saturday. he went back to work this morning, which was also nice. missing two days without any vacation or sick time left is going to hurt next week. but it wasn't avoidable so there's no point in complaining about it. I'm just thankful that it happened after the x-mas stuff was done.

in other news, the head twitching thing may be something called Essential Tremor. his dad has it and it's hereditary. he's had the hand-shaking thing since high school. it seems to fit so we hope that's all it is. his rescheduled appointment with the neurologist is next month, so wish us luck!

new template

well, the new template is up. of course I still have a lot more work to do on it. but when I was putting it up last night, the laptop froze and I had to start over so this one just has the basics. I think I like it. it's hard to tell from work because I can't see any of the graphics.

so anyway, let me know what you think. or not.

random crap

1. I am done x-mas shopping!!! it's so exciting! last year we actually had to go out on x-mas eve day to buy things for the kids. Ohio was in the middle of a terrible snow/ice storm that was so bad, my work closed for three days. and yeah, we were driving around in it, like idiots. not this year though!
2. our nephew is doing very well. he came home Friday afternoon and is just adorable and tiny and sweet. I need to take some more pictures of him for scrapbooking.
3. I cut my hair yesterday. it's about three inches shorter than it was. since I couldn't reach the very back in the center, Casey had to cut that part for me. she was a little nervous but it looks just fine.
4. hopefully tonight, I will be changing my blogger template. I have two lovely graphics picked out for the header. I just hope I don't screw it up too badly. I make no guarantees!
5. we are having my family over for x-mas Saturday night. there will be about 25 people in our house. it's going to be loud and crowded but there will be a ton of great food and plenty to drink and I can't wait! Brian and I have not ever hosted x-mas eve together. so that will be nice too :)

baby

our new nephew/godson was born at 2:45 this afternoon! his lungs were fully developed but for some reason, he had trouble breathing so he had to be put under an oxygen hood for a couple of hours. his blood sugar was a little low so he has a tiny little IV in his right arm. but he is doing well now and he's just beautiful. don't you agree?

work rant

I challenge anyone here who thinks my job is so fucking easy to handle everything I do for one month. no one else in this whole company could do what I do as well as I do it or as efficiently. you think "someone" dropped the ball? why don't you pick it up for a change? you don't feel comfortable doing your job and need me to do your dirty work? big surprise.

by the way, I notice you feel perfectly fine cashing your paycheck, which is most likely bigger than mine.

confession:

I think I'm becoming a chronic re-gifter. I know it's not nice but in my defense, I only re-gift things I got from gift exchanges or from someone who felt obligated to buy me something. you know, those "I-bought-something-for-everyone-here-and-this-is-for-you" types. and it's not that I'm not grateful or appreciative. it's just usually stuff that I don't need that someone else may enjoy more. so yeah, it's awful, I know. but I'm still doing it. after all, it's the thought that counts, right?

x-mas #2

we celebrated Christmas on Saturday with Brian's dad and stepmom. they had a big party at his stepsister's house and it was just lovely, as usual. there was tons of delicious food, and everyone is always so nice and funny and generous. seriously, they spend way too much money on all of us. and from the first time I spent the holiday with them, they have treated me and my kids like family. they really are incredible people, I do love his family.

his grandfather lives in Indiana so he just gives us money to do his shopping for him. we buy presents for the kids and for each other, wrap them up and bring them to the Christmas party so he can watch us open them and see what he got us! it's silly, but fun. and he always makes jokes about how much shopping he had to do. this year, grandpa bought me a foot spa, a xyron machine for scrapbooking and a Harry Potter DVD box set.

I also got a book by my favorite author, the new Fiona Apple CD, more scrapbooking stuff, a new scarf, hat and gloves set and a bunch of other stuff. see what I mean? they're too much.

we all had a great time. and our next Christmas party will be the one at our house with my family. it's going to be so much fun! I love this time of year.

money really doesn't buy happiness

whenever I get stressed out about money, which I am a little now, I think back to the only time in my life when I wasn't stressed out about money and instantly feel better. because the only time I was never worried about money was during my second marriage and I was so miserable and unhappy and suicidal then. no amount of money is worth feeling like that. I am much richer for leaving all of that behind and making a new start with the most incredible man I have ever met.

Crash

we had a department meeting at work yesterday during lunch. the boss provided pizza and we were supposed to watch Crash. you know, because it's all about stereotypes and my work is all about diversity. I'm so sick of that word. diversity. like corporations really give a shit.

anyway, the movie seemed really good but I didn't get to see the whole thing. my boss's boss pulled me out to look something up for her boss and then I left early because my annoying/lingering cough was probably too disruptive. and afterwards, no one really wanted to say much about it, which is cool. it's on our list of movies to rent anyway. right after the Dukes of Hazzard. so I wouldn't want anyone to ruin it for me.

I think it was a bit much for a lot of them. a big fat look at the reality that most of them never see. parts of it were slightly exaggerated, in my opinion. it's been my experience that racist comments are made under one's breath. but in the movie, they were shouted out for everyone to hear. or maybe things are different in bigger cities, I don't know.

I do want to watch the movie, although I probably wouldn't want my kids to see it yet. we all learn about the ugliness in this world eventually. maybe they'll be lucky enough to not see it until they're much older. it's not very likely, but I can hope.

what the hell?! this really isn't funny anymore. we watched about twenty minutes of the "game" last night before Brian had to change the channel. by then, I had already cussed three times and Casey had to get out of bed to ask me to stop yelling at the television.

I'm really not one to get angry at my team when they aren't playing so great, but this is getting ridiculous. at least they lost to Seattle this week. stupid football.

so, yesterday was my one year blogiversary. I've been writing on this thing for a whole year! it doesn't seem like it's been that long though. looking back through my archives, this past year hasn't always been easy. but in spite of all the rough days, I've never been happier. I've written a lot of silly, pointless stuff but I've also written things that I'm really proud of. I've written things that were painful, personal, and ugly and things that I probably shouldn't have written at all.

this blog is so therapeutic, it's been a place where I can say anything. and almost everyone who has been here has been wonderful. I am so thankful to anyone who has spent any amount of time reading anything that I have written. and even more thankful for everyone's comments.

to everyone on my blogroll, I feel like I actually know all of you, like we're all friends. I genuinely care about what is going on in your lives and am always anxious to read updates. it's amazing how connected a person can feel to someone they've never even met, isn't it?

anyway, happy blogiversary to me! and thanks again, Ian, for making me start this thing.

still sick...but at least it's Friday!

I can't breathe through my nose. the
inside of my chest has to be bruised
from all the coughing. my head is so
killing me. I need to soak in a tub of
this stuff all weekend. before I die.
<--------- no really.

our first date

Indigo asked this question on her blog:

Do you remember your first date and where did you go?

I thought I had already posted this here but apparently not. anyway...

the first time Brian and I went out by ourselves, we started the night at his bar. (why are boys so bad at planning an evening out?) we spent most of our time there with this older couple, who eventually turned out to be my sister's aunt and uncle-in-law. they were both really funny. there were a lot of people there that Brian knew, I only knew him but everyone was very, very nice to me. it's such a great place, we always have the best time there because the people are just so damn nice.

at one point Brian got up to go to the restroom and an older guy that he knows was talking to me while he was gone about how his daughter wanted to get her tongue pierced. he was confused about why anyone would want to do that. Brian came back from the bathroom and asked what we were talking about. I tried to subtly kick him on the leg to tell him to drop it. but since we didn't know each other that well, he didn't get the hint and proceeded to tell this guy that a tongue piercing is used for sexual pleasure, not realizing, obviously, that we were talking about the man's 19 year old daughter!

the guy didn't really say much after that. he just kind of wandered off, probably offended by our poorly hidden laughter after I whispered to Brian what he had just done. Brian said that the poor guy was probably too drunk to remember it. I guess he was right because when he sees us, he's still just as sweet as before.

I love to tell that story because Brian is still a little embarassed about the whole thing. I think he learned his lesson though. he knows that if I kick him before he starts talking in the middle of a conversation, he probably shouldn't say what he was just about to say.

we left the bar shortly before midnight and took a walk at the park. we sat in one of the wooden swings and made out for a little while, then he took me to Waffle House. it probably doesn't sound like much but it really was a great night. we talked and laughed a lot and I really felt so comfortable with him right away. before we started seeing each other, he was planning to move to Florida with a friend. that night, on our first date, he told me that he had changed his mind and was staying in Ohio. I get all girly and warm inside just remembering that.

one of my favorite things about x-mas is getting to do some shopping with Brian, even though he hates shopping. I like getting to spend time with him alone. I like walking around the stores holding his hand, looking at things for ourselves that we like but can't afford. he has the best taste (not just in women!) and a real artist's eye for color and lines and design. we usually have a quiet lunch somewhere and sometimes stop for a drink after we're done for the day. it's just nice...there's no other word for it.

no point. sorry.

you know you're sleeping with a musician when you wake up with a small piece of E-string in your t-shirt.

you know you're not a musician yourself if you have to ask a friend, "what is the skinniest guitar string?"