feeling a lot better today. like 200% better than yesterday but that's not really saying much because yesterday I felt like complete crap. still, it's an improvement. right now I'm on cold medicine and need to go to sleep. I know it's only 8:00, I told you I was getting old.

Brian is going to make me a Bee Gees mix CD later. I'm so excited!!!

I'm an idiot...I just posted this to my photo blog. damn medicine's making me stupid.

one more reason why I love him so much

he comforts me when I have nightmares, which doesn't happen as often as it used to, even if I wake him up at 2am and he has to be up at 4:30. he'll put his arm around me as I cry and he'll hold me until I stop. he'll stay close long after he thinks I've gone back to sleep and he always makes sure I'm okay the next morning. there is no doubt in my mind that I am the luckiest woman in the whole world to be married to such an incredible man.

I'm sick. I feel so awful. my head is killing me, my throat feels like it's swollen shut. but I can't stay home because it's the end of the month and I'm way too busy right now. if I take a day off, I will be majorly screwed for the rest of the week. so, my plan is to finish up as much as I can today as quickly as possible so I can go home and rest up for tomorrow. why am I blogging then, if I'm trying to get done and get out of here? because the f'ing system is taking all day to do even the simplest things. this only happens when I'm completely overwhelmed with things to do. :( I wish I had a laptop and could work from home in bed. but I'm not important enough to get a laptop so I'm forced to sit here in my cubicle and be miserable. I'm really trying not to spread germs, but I doubt if it's working.

i see you

thanksgiving was lovely, as I knew it would be. we went to Brian's brother's for "dinner" and everything was great. there was a ton of food, all of it was delicious, and we brought home tons of leftovers. his family is so nice, I really like them all. after dinner, my family met at my sister's house for dessert and coffee. my parents didn't make it, because it was too cold out for them, but we still had fun.

Friday we didn't go shopping, which was very cool. Brian cleaned the whole garage all by himself. it looks so good now! we pretty much stayed home until it was time to pick up Stephen at the airport. I am so happy to have him back. we're just not a whole family without him. I don't know what it is, but he has this effortless way of bringing us all closer together, especially the girls. without him around, they don't really spend any time together unless we're all doing something. but the three of them were doing something pretty much all weekend. video games, cards, board games, DVDs. it's wonderful. I hope things continue to go well, I hope he can live with us and follow our rules. I know he's going to try, which means a lot.

Saturday night, Brian and I went to see my brother-in-law's band playing in Lancaster, which is about an hour away. we rode up with him and my sister and didn't get home until 4:30 am on Sunday. bleh. it was crazy, but we had a great time at the show and met some really funny people. I took some awesome pictures, including this one that I posted to my photo blog for photo friday. it was almost worth the lack of sleep :)

Sunday afternoon I took the kids minus Hannah (she had band practice) to the mall for a little x-mas shopping. it actually wasn't crowded at all. at least no more than it usually is. still, I think we'll try to avoid any more trips there. it's so much easier to shop online. as a matter of fact, I've already spent $120 online just this afternoon. I think maybe it's a little too easy :)

it's official. I'm old.

big surprise, I know. truthfully, I've been old for years but either haven't realized it or haven't wanted to admit it, I'm not sure which. I can remember being able to stay out until 3am and still get up at 8am for work the next day. every weekend. I could drink as much as I wanted and not even feel it the next day. hell, it wasn't even that long ago! now, if I'm not in bed by 10pm I have to struggle to get up on time. so forget going out on a weekday. and a hangover will sometimes last for two days. screw that! it's not even worth it anymore. and if we're going to be out past 1am, I need to take a nap before we go.

see what I mean? old...it's a little pathetic actually. but you'll have that.

so the wedding we went to on Saturday was wonderful. the bride was so beautiful and the ceremony seemed to go smoothly. the reception was amazing and lots of fun. the groom works with Brian and they're fairly good friends outside of work too so it was really nice to be there to see him get married. he's a great guy, a lot of fun and his new wife is a wonderful, smart, sweet person. we're just so happy for them both.

one thing I didn't know before this weekend is that even though they had been together for more than five years and have been living together for most of that time, they were waiting until after they got married to have sex. I knew that they had separate bedrooms but I thought it might just be for their families. apparently not.

I was surprised, not only because he is so pervy and sex-obsessed (in a good natured, harmless way of course), but also because it seems pretty uncommon these days. or maybe it's not all that uncommon, I don't know. but to live together and build a relationship for that long and then bring sex into it seems a little risky in my opinion.

not that I am judging them at all, it's impressive more than anything else. I just know that it wouldn't work for me. I don't think I could make that commitment without knowing whether or not we were physically compatible. I know, there are ways to be intimate without having sex. but it's not the same thing.

I don't really know what the point of this post is supposed to be...seems like I had one when I started it.

our weekend in reverse: Harry Potter was wonderful, such a great movie! I loved it. and I want to see it again already. the wedding was beautiful, everything was so nice and the food was delicious and there was free beer and a chocolate fountain. our godson/nephew's birthday party was fun. there were a ton of people there and he got lots of presents. ours was the best though, we bought him a sit n spin. remember those? he really seemed to love it.

great weekend. and a three day work week coming up! plus the boy is coming home. things didn't work out in Utah, I guess. I'm really excited and happy that he's coming back. thinking about not having him home for the holidays was really making me depressed.

speaking of depressed, Brian's eye/forehead twitch isn't going away. it seems like it's getting worse but that's probably just because I keep watching it. still, I'm calling our doctor tomorrow to see what he thinks. I wish we had at least some idea of what it might be.

enough worrying. peach pie is waiting for me in the kitchen. and Family Guy is going to be on in about ten minutes.

UPDATE: yay, posted a picture. look how cute he is!!!

• our godson is two today! I would show you his most recent picture but blogger and flickr are being bad words and won't let me upload it. maybe later.
• work is kicking my ass this week. I've been so busy it's ridiculous. but I have gotten three free lunches and a Lands End pullover with my work's name on it so far. good lunches too, not fast food or pizza. I'm not sure if that makes up for all the stress or not though. and I have discovered that I cannot stand working with people who don't know how to prioritize. if your boss's boss's boss wants something, that means drop whatever else you're doing and get it to him. it's really not rocket science.
• our doctor wasn't able to find out what is wrong with Brian but at least his blood pressure is pretty normal. if he's not better in a week or so, he's supposed to go see a neurologist. yeah, that doesn't make me any less worried.
• I'm the only one who thinks I'm funny. for example, I recently said to someone that watching a movie with me and my kids is probably like watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 except that we sit in the back and we're not funny. I don't know why that cracks me up. oh, wait. yes I do, it's because I think I'm funny.
• Kim was right. those chocolate covered espresso beans from Target are delicious! I've been thinking about them all afternoon.
• I actually get to leave on time today. first time this week!

I'm really worried about Brian right now. he has had this weird forehead constant twitching thing going on for more than a week. I did convince him to go to the doctor though. when I called yesterday to make an appointment for him, I was transferred back to a nurse after I described his symptoms to the receptionist. the nurse tried to get him to come in at 4:30 that same day, which wasn't doable for us since we're sharing a car right now. when I told her that he couldn't make it then and asked for an appointment the next day, she said that she thought he should go to Convenient Care because she wanted him to be seen right away.

I couldn't get him to go last night. what is it with men and going to the doctor? but I did get him an appointment for this afternoon so hopefully we'll have a better idea of what is going on later today. his dad has a bad heart and probably other health issues that I don't know about. I'm just so afraid that it's going to be something serious.

Hannah is...

MUSICAL


FASHIONABLE


DARING


AND EASY TO STORE AWAY!


SHE ENJOYS SPENDING
TIME WITH HER PEERS


AND SHE LOOKS
GREAT IN A HAT!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HANNAH!!!
LOVE, YOUR MOM

November 14, 1988

today is Hannah's birthday!!! she is 17 now. I can't even believe it.

she is a wonderful kid. so funny and smart and silly and responsible and talented and creative. I just love her so much and am so proud of her. she is the most original person I have ever met and she always stands by her convictions, even if it gets her in trouble :)

I had such an easy time being pregnant with Hannah. and an easy labor and delivery. this time I knew the routine and that made it go a lot smoother. I didn't go to the hospital until the last minute and we were only there about an hour before she was born. she came in the middle of the night and the nurse put her in my arms about ten minutes after she arrived. it was so different from when Stephen was born. I didn't get to hold him until he was a few days old because he was so sick.

I could not get enough of her though. she was so adorable, had a head full of dark hair, long, slender fingers and the tiniest face I had ever seen. two hours after the delivery, I was in the nursery, asking them to put her in my room, where she stayed until we left. we were out of the hospital in two days and she was an incredibly easy-going baby.

Stephen adored her, he couldn't get enough of her either. I would always find him standing beside her bassinette when she was sleeping, just watching her with his little hands behind his back. they were always so close. it was sweet the way he would watch out for her and she followed him around whenever she could.

she was such a smart little kid. she would come up with the funniest things. whenever she did something wrong and I asked if it was her, she would always say "no, the wind did it." and once when I caught her playing somewhere she shouldn't have been, her response was "it wasn't me. it was a little girl that looked just like me!"

she was shy around strangers and didn't like to talk to anyone besides her immediate family. when she was three, she made her right hand into Mr. Hand, who would do all her talking for her. I have a couple of great pictures of Mr. Hand and Hannah, I should have scanned one for this post because it was so freakin' cute.

she did well in school and had quite a few friends. her brother was always her best friend though and the two of them were practically inseparable. it was hard for her when Stephen went to middle school but she adjusted and did just fine. in fifth grade, she was put into the gifted students class, which was really cool. they met once or twice a week instead of going to regular classes and she seemed to enjoy it. once she got to middle school though, it wasn't really her thing. so she quit going and just took more advanced classes.

high school started out a little rough. Stephen was having a lot of trouble going to school and his grades were awful. we had such a hard time with him and it somehow seemed to affect Hannah too. her grades dropped and I couldn't find a way to motivate her to improve. she would spend all her time at home in her room and would stay up all night sometimes. I would notice cuts and other marks on her arms and knew from my experiences that she was cutting herself.

no matter what I did, she just couldn't seem to get over whatever she was dealing with. she wouldn't talk to me about it, but I know that she was emailing and calling a younger cousin of mine that was closer to her in age. my cousin got her to open up and explain what was wrong. when she started to get in over her head, she told my aunt what was going on. by that time, we had taken Hannah to see a social worker who advised us to see our family doctor. she was prescribed Prozac for a chemical imbalance that was causing her to feel depressed.

she did seem to improve on the pills but said that she didn't like the way they made her feel numb. she also didn't ever connect with any of the psychologist we took her to, so eventually she stopped going and stopped taking her pills. but I think that she was starting to feel better about things in general and I noticed that there weren't as many marks on her arm. we arranged for her to go visit my cousin for a month and I think that helped a lot too, having someone to talk to who understood her and accepted her and loved her just for being herself.

shortly after she got home and pretty much all of a sudden, her grades started to improve and her attitude and outlook were 100% better. I'm still not sure how or why it happened. it probably wasn't from me constantly keeping an eye on her whenever possible or all the positive reinforcement we gave her about what a wonderful person she is or the attention we gave her whenever she would let us. I think she just grew up a little and realized that whatever was bothering her wasn't worth hurting herself over.

and now she's back to being the wonderful kid that she used to be. I am enjoying time with her more than ever. she's so funny and silly and clever and smarter than anyone I know. she's a talented artist and an incredible musician. she plays drums and guitar and bass and keyboards. yesterday Casey said that she could be a band all by herself :) she's helpful around the house, she takes care of her sister and we can trust her to do the right thing when she's out with her friends. she's turning into a healthy, responsible adult and that's all any parent could want. I'm so incredibly proud to know her and even more proud to be her mom.

Brian and I both had to work today. I hate working on the weekends. and right now, his car is broken so I had to drop him off at 7am, which meant that I had to get up at 6am. bleh. we had about ten minutes to spare before it was time to leave so he watched the news and I did some scrapbooking. I don't know why he thought that was weird :)

he's still not feeling all the way better so we're just staying home this weekend. it will be nice to just sit around and relax. next weekend we have a birthday party on Friday, a wedding on Saturday and we're taking Hannah to Magic Mountain for her birthday on Sunday. yikes! and at some point we have to fit in time to see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, which I have been waiting months for. it's finally here and we might not have time to see it. that totally sucks. although I guess it wouldn't be too tragic if we had to wait until Thanksgiving weekend to see it.

off to look up cheesecake recipes. Brian has new springform pans to try out!!!

at 4:00 yesterday afternoon, the guy in the cubicle right beside me put four tickets for a Columbus Blue Jackets game on my desk and asked me if I could use them. the only problem was, the game was last night. I had never been to a hockey game and it kinda' sounded like fun. so I called Brian to see if he was interested and convinced him to go when he said that he was tired.

then I called my sister to see if she and her husband wanted to go with us. she did, but he was supposed to have band practice. luckily, he was on his cell phone talking to the guy who couldn't make it to practice. I didn't even have to trick her into promising him sexual favors for skipping practice, it got cancelled all by itself.

the game was so much fun! except for all the fights. Brian said that those are the only reason for watching hockey but I definitely could have done without them. the Jackets won, which is unusual apparently.

we had a couple of beers and some nachos and some laughs with our favorite couple to hang out with and got home at about 10:30. today though Brian stayed home sick. I guess I should have listened when he said that he was tired last night. bad wife. poor sick husband.

I'm post-crazy today!

four girls in my department are pregnant. all of them are in their 20s. one of them is the cool younger chick that sits across from me. I love hearing them talk about being pregnant. and seeing their ultrasound pictures and tiny little baby clothes. it reminds me of how much I loved it when I was pregnant. it was the best. little or no morning sickness, easy/short labors and deliveries. sometimes I actually miss it :)

but those days are over for me. besides, while I might have enough patience to take care of a newborn, I definitely don't have enough energy anymore. I get tired just thinking about all the work that goes into it. I do regret not being able to have a child with Brian but he says that being a father to the kids we already have is enough. we'll have to settle for being godparents I guess.

I had a friend in high school who loved Supertramp, which seems kinda' pretentious now. I mean really, what kind of 16 year old's favorite band is Supertramp? he was that guy who liked to listen to stuff that no one else really listened to. and he was always condescending when he knew something that you didn't. not just about music, about everything.

he was really smart too so chances were, he thought he was better than you. he was funny though, in a cutting way, and could be nice when he wanted to be. I "dated" him for about two weeks when Jimmy and I were broken up for reasons I don't even remember. he tried to tell me he loved me and that I was "one of the beautiful people." see what I mean? prententious. but it didn't matter, I knew he wasn't who I wanted to be with. it was Jimmy, always Jimmy. no one else even came close. besides, he was also in love with my best friend who was dating his best friend.

eventually, the two of them got together although she was seeing him on the side while still dating his best friend. according to her, sex with him was just better than sex with her boyfriend. she was really jealous that we had "gone out" but that didn't stop them from getting her pregnant halfway through our senior year. I was devastated when I found out, because I knew what a jerk he was and that he had cheated on her with a choir skank.

I remember that day so well. our good friend Bill took me out to lunch and broke the news because she was too scared to tell me herself. I couldn't believe it, I cried for the rest of the day. I wanted to tell Jimmy but he was home sick. I tried all afternoon to call him, which was scary because he wasn't allowed to talk to me and I was afraid to get him in trouble, but there was no answer. I even walked to his house and knocked on the door but he didn't hear me. it was one of those times when I needed him so desperately but he couldn't be there.

but as for my friend, there was nothing to be done about it. they got married a month or two before graduation and their son was born in August. he had a year of school left so he made arrangements to go to school in the mornings and work in the afternoons and evenings until he graduated. I don't know how they did it. it couldn't have been easy. they had another son two years after the first one was born and a third boy a few years after that. they had more than their share problems and at one point, they were separated for a couple of years because she was having an affair with her old boyfriend/his best friend from high school. talk about karma! he came out to Ohio to stay with me for a couple of weeks because he said he was feeling too depressed and suicidal in Colorado. she really hated that and told him that if he came back, they could get back together. she still kept seeing her old boyfriend though so that didn't exactly work out like he had hoped.

eventually, they did get back together. she attended and finished college and became a teacher. he didn't go to college that I know of, unless it was after we lost touch. I haven't seen any of them in about 10 years or more. it's kinda' sad really. she was my best friend since the fourth grade. we knew almost everything about each other, she was like a sister. we exchanged letters for a few years but time and distance and life in general made it too easy to lose contact with her.

I did hear from her husband a few years ago, I don't know how he found me. maybe from Classmates.com. he said that he wanted me to move back to Colorado and have an affair with him. I'm pretty sure he was kidding but still...what a jerk.

one more reason why you should be glad you're not married to me - like you really need another :)

I am completely silly and out of control and obnoxious when I have too much caffeine. to the point where I almost want to slap myself. it's bad. ask Ian, he actually banned me from drinking Mt. Dew when we worked at k!nko's together. I usually limit the amount of caffeine I have every day to a cup of coffee in the morning and a soda with lunch but sometimes it's not enough.

yesterday morning at my desk, I could not stay awake. so I had a second cup of coffee and a light snack at 11:00. because sometimes lack of food makes me light-headed and sleepy so I thought it might be that. I was super busy with work stuff so I didn't stop for lunch until after 1:30. I still felt like I didn't have any energy so I had my diet cherry coke with my lunch. the rest of the day seemed to go okay, I wasn't tired anymore and the hours just flew by.

I was in my car and headed home when that caffeine finally hit. all at once. I was really hyper for no reason and suddenly in a great mood. I didn't realize what it was at first so I tried to find a CD to go along with my energy and mood which, thinking back, probably wasn't the best idea. I should have tried to find something to calm me down. hell, Red House Painters was in the CD holder and would have done the trick nicely :)

by the time I got home, my obnoxiousness was at an all-time high. my poor family...they were completely unprepared. Brian was opening a bottle of wine for us to have with dinner, which was lovely. and probably the only reason I calmed down and actually got some sleep last night. I did promise to limit my caffeine intake today. so far, so good!

confession

I was a band geek in high school. and middle school. and elementary school. although I don't think it was really geeky to be in band when I was in elementary school. everyone joined band, well almost everyone. I started playing the flute when I was in third grade and played until I graduated high school. that's ten years, baby. it was crazy.

it was fun though. I really liked it until eighth grade. but by then, the flute was already paid for so my grandmother wouldn't let me quit. I don't know why she even cared. it's not like she came to many concerts and when she did, she just made fun of me afterwards.

I was good at it too. really good at it. I was first chair every year except for my freshman year, when I was third chair out of about twelve. my junior and senior year I got to assign chairs for the rest of my section. oh yeah, I was the shit back then. relatively speaking. and before you ask, yes, that is me in the picture, rocking that cape and wearing a yellow feather in my hat. the actual picture isn't really that speckled, I just forgot to clean the scanner glass and was too lazy to rescan. the picture was taken in either 1984 or 1985.

it was great. most of my high school memories involved band stuff. I met all of my high school boyfriends (except the last one) in band. I met some really nice kids and got to do things that I wouldn't have been allowed to do otherwise. there were overnight trips and hotel rooms and four hour bus rides and football and basketball games. it was always harmless, innocent fun...at least for me.

that kid of ours is growing up and I don't like it one bit. she's doing her hair and wearing lip gloss and talking about boys and in general, becoming a teenager way before I'm ready. to be fair, she is just acting her age, which is actually pretty refreshing these days. she still watches Nickelodeon and the Disney Channel. she still likes Neopets and Pokemon and still shops for clothes at Limited Too. we're really lucky she doesn't like revealing clothes or make-up, she reads books all the time and plays the clarinet. she is learning how to sew and play the piano. she's a wonderful kid, I wouldn't change a thing about her. too bad there's nothing I can do to stop her from changing herself.

it all seems to be happening so quickly. and I'm definitely not ready. last night we drove her to her first dance. A DANCE!!! she looked so cute, way too cute to go to a dance where boys could see her. one of her friends came over and did her hair, she wore black shirt with a white flower the shoulder and her black gaucho pants. she really looked beautiful. the dance was from 7:00 to 9:00. when we picked her up, she said she had a great time and spent the whole night running around with her friends. literally, running around. you know, like a kid. but still, she was at a dance. no matter how much that sucked for us though, I'm glad she had a good time.

tonight is no better. she had her first official babysitting job, for our neighbors. she's watching their six and four year old grandsons for two hours. it will be fine, she's so good with younger kids. I know she'll have fun. I would be a little nervous if we weren't going to be right next door. who am I kidding? I'll still be nervous.

why do they have to grow up? things were so much simpler when she was still a little girl. sigh.

recent funny search engine referrals:

stuff to make you feel good
- fat chance anyone would find that here!

cramps starting livejournal
- now that's more like it :)

pictures of people buried in the sand
- check!

saran wrap togas
- I've gotten that one before...


and one disgusting one that I'm not going to repeat because I don't want the pervert traffic, no matter how desperate I am to hit 10,000 visitors.

I really should try to be more entertaining and/or informative.

random stuff

check out how nice Launchcast is being to me today! some of my very favorites, that never happens.

Don Henley - Sunset Grill

Sarah McLachlan - Dirty Little Secret

Three Dog Night - Liar

Eagles - Desperado

No Doubt - Spiderwebs

Garbage - Stupid Girl

Elefant - Misfit

Beck - Bad Cartridge (E-Pro)

Sting - I Was Brought To My Senses

Sheryl Crow - Hole In My Pocket

Norah Jones - Be Here To Love Me

The Police - Wrapped Around Your Finger

plus Prince's Greatest Hits was in the CD player this morning on the way to work. it's been a good music day so far.

Wrapped Around Your Finger reminds me of high school. because we used to play it in pep band at basketball games. in spite of being asked not to by people who liked the Police :)

________________________________________

I can't believe that Holly was glad that the Eagles lost. I'd hold it against her but she's just so nice :) I like Denver too though. I grew up in Colorado, I can't help it! and it's not their fault the Eagles suck lately. Hannah put on her Terrell Davis jersey at halftime. she hasn't worn that thing since she was in elementary school! of course it still fit, she's so damn tiny. but still, it was frickin' hilarious!!! I should have taken a picture.

________________________________________

confession: I'm spazzy when I'm in a good mood, like now. obviously.
________________________________________

I love Britney Spears as much as the next person (okay...probably more) but a 9 minute version of "Me Against the Music" is a bit much, even for me.

cranky biotch

I really don't know why my husband puts up with me sometimes. well, I know why. it's because he loves me. but I'm sure there are times when it's harder than others. like last night. Brian brought home Revenge of the Sith and a bottle of wine last night. we cuddled up on the loveseat and watched the movie until the wine made me too sleepy and I moved to the couch to sleep.

the girls were already in bed, the dog was sleeping on the chair, I was sleeping peacefully. until the final fight scene, which was incredibly loud. but not as loud as Brian's potato chip bag, which was not as loud as the sound of him eating the chips. I rolled over and grumbled something about the noise and tried to get back to sleep. after a few more minutes of being woken up by the tv and the chips, I went to bed. I'm sure I was crankier than I should have been. but man, I hate to be woken up when I'm trying to sleep.

you'd think that I would just go to bed when I'm tired but I don't like going to bed by myself. I had too many years of that already. and besides, I love it when we both climb into bed and talk about things that we've been too busy to talk about during the day. it's my favorite time alone with him. I'd rather lose sleep than lose that.
_____________________________________________

in other boring news, I finally decided not to participate in the NaNoWriMo thing. I really was considering it but didn't feel like I could dedicate the time to it right now. maybe if I had spent a little more time trying to think of something to write about, I would have felt more confident about participating. and of course, now that I'm definitely not doing it, I wish that I was. I'm really impressed by the people I know who are participating though. Indigo is posting her story on her blog as she writes it, which is very cool. and Raehan is writing away too. they're both so much busier than I am in real life, I feel like a total wuss now :)