I have way too much shit going on right now. Bleh. I mean, it's not all bad, but there's just so much of it. I'm feeling very weighed down by all of it.

Took my parents to a doctor's appointment for my mom on Friday that took 2 fucking hours. Crazy. And while we were waiting, my stepdad felt like it was a good time to drop a huge bombshell on me. Didn't I say that I knew there were a bunch of family secrets that no one wanted to tell me but that I was cool with not knowing? NOT KNOWING. It's big, so big. Shocking and yet at the same time, not really. I haven't even talked to Brian about it yet. I don't know what to do with it either. Tell the rest of the family? My brothers have a right to know too. See what I mean? Too much shit.

And yeah, I really needed to hear that my dad abused my mom when they were married. I like the way he called him "her first husband" instead of saying that it was my dad. I can't decide if my stepdad just needed to tell someone else these things or if he's punishing me because he's pissed that my mom is going to visit her mom next week without him. His choice, totally, but I'm the one who made all the arrangements for her to go so maybe this is his way of getting back at me for it. I don't know.

What I do know is that I'm tired. It's been an insane weekend and I'm starting to crack under the strain of it. On the positive side, I did talk to Casey today. It was so healing and uplifting to hear her voice and laugh. She's having a great time and she's bringing home a manual typewriter. She decided before she left that she wanted to get one. She wants to be a writer, pretty cool to write stories on an old typewriter I think.

I spent hours cleaning up her room today. Literally, hours. She's such a little pack rat and hates to throw anything away, including gum and candy wrappers and water bottles apparently. It's tradition for me to clean her room out while she's gone. It was nice though, because so many of the things in her room just really fit her perfectly. It made me feel like she wasn't really that far away. She has about forty of those colored metal bangles that she wears all the time and she stores them around a bottle of bubbles, it's so perfectly Casey. Bracelets wrapped around bubbles. I love it.

I'll have my kid back in twelve days. That is waaaay too far away for me. Nobody, not even Brian, understands how hard it is for me to be away from her for a month. And I haven't talked to her in more than a week.

I hate this...

Writing it down helps me remember

-: I forgot to get new tags for my car after my birthday. I remembered that I hadn't done it yet when I saw a Sheriff's car driving behind me on my way to work this morning. No, he didn't pull me over. I need to get to the BMV right after work today. I hate that. One year I forgot to get them and didn't remember until September. Next year, someone please remind me before my birthday to get new tags.

+: We picked up Hannah's proofs for her senior pictures on Thursday. They are gorgeous. We ended up with 36 proofs, which we have to narrow down to 5. So far, we've got 16. It's going to be so hard to pick just 5 but we'll get it done. We have them until the 19th so that gives us plenty of time to decide.

-/+: Today is Hannah's follow up appointment with the Juvenile Probation lady. This should be our last meeting there. She has written her essay, done her community service and I assume she has the money for her fines. I'll be very glad when this is all over, which it should be after today.

+: The kids bought me an FM transmitter for my iPod as a late birthday present. How sweet is that? Now I can listen to it in my car, yay! It was completely unexpected and I was very touched and happy and proud of them. They really are good kids.

+: We saw Superman Returns on Friday. I liked it a lot. Then again, you know how I love all superhero movies. And as Brian said during the movie, Kate Bosworth is way hotter than Margot Kidder.

summer storm

So I was going to ask Brian to take a walk with me after dinner tonight, because I really need to get my ass moving again and because because our town is so nice and quiet. Unfortunately, my plans got changed by a really bad storm. I was on my way home from work and had to stop at my sister's house to pick up the panini grill. Brian called right when I got there and told me to stay put because the weather was pretty scary.

He said that the tornado sirens were going off, the dog was freaking out and a bolt of lightning hit the walnut tree in our backyard. It's the neighbor's tree, but a lot of it hangs over into our yard. We have to pick up a lot of walnuts. I took pictures of course:



That is our garage, and our barbecue grills. There are bits of tree all over the yard. Here's a closer view of the damage:



and:



Brian said that when it hit, there was a really loud noise and when he got to the back sliding door to check it out, the yard was full of smoke. Somehow the lightning strike made our automatic garage door not open. I don't know how that happened.

The dog's leash is tied up to that tree. It hangs from a hook that was in the tree when we moved here. We think that might have been what attracted the lightning:



The leash was one of those vinyl coated, steel cable ones. It used to be coated with clear vinyl. Now it's burned to a crisp:



It was all waaaaay too close for comfort. I'm glad none of the kids were home, especially Casey. She hates storms enough as it is. I hope the tree is okay.

Nothing new to blog about, just wanted to post this picture of me and Brian. Because I like it.



I slept in until 12:30 today. I finally feel like I got enough sleep. I can't even remember the last time I slept in that late without being ill. It was freakin' sweet!

So tired

Seriously. Yesterday, at the airport, was exhausting. Having to get up early and go back was even worse. I am completely worn out. I just want to hide under my desk and take a nap. That is not going to happen. And we have that show tonight too, which will make me even more tired tomorrow. Y'all should be glad you don't work with me!

Good things:

1. Casey made it to Utah safely. She just called me. I miss her more than ever.
2. Brian said that he laughed out loud last night at the airport while listening to my iPod when "Rock Lobster" as sung by Peter Griffin played. Too funny!
3. Casey and I got some yummy Bath & Body Works stuff while we were waiting at the airport last night. On sale - buy one, get one free. I got Frozen Daiquiri and she got Pomegranate Martini.
4. We also had Max + Erma's while we were waiting at the airport.
5. Three blogger updates in two days. Wait, is that good?

Bad things:

1. I miss my kid. And she's gone for almost a whole month.
2. I'm extra whiny today. So whiny I'm getting on my own nerves.
3. I just realized that I will probably be at least 10 years older than everyone else at the show tonight. Except Brian, I'm only three years older than he is.

More good than bad. I'll stop now.

If I complain later about having a stomach ache, someone please remind me that I just ate a two-day old scone and it's my own dumb fault.

Casey didn't get to leave last night. Her flight was scheduled for a 7:15 pm departure to Nashville and then on to Vegas. We were informed at the gate that the plane to Nashville was coming from Baltimore and that there was really bad weather in Baltimore that was causing a delay. And by the time the plane got in, we weren't sure if she would be in time to make her connection in Nashville. We rescheduled her for a 7:45 am flight this morning, which actually worked out better for her because it was a direct flight. It was not so good for me, because it made for a hectic morning. Plus, you know...she's gone for a month and that's never good for me.

I'm tired. We're going to a NIN concert tonight too.

• Casey's leaving tonight for a month. To visit her dad. He doesn't deserve such a great kid. Seriously.
• I am extremely nauseous right now. Can't decide if it's because I'm upset because the kid is leaving or if it's because I ate my lunch from yesterday that should have been in the freezer but wasn't.
• I keep having weird cravings. Like right now...I want grapefruit juice, which I don't even like. And earlier today, at around 8:30 this morning, I wanted a rum and coke.
• No, I'm not pregnant.
• Yes, I'm sure.

best husband ever

I got this for my birthday!!!



The black one, and it's engraved on the back with the sweetest message. I know...my birthday isn't until tomorrow but it came in today and he couldn't wait. I swear it wasn't my idea. I wanted to wait but he was so excited and it was so cute I couldn't resist :) Love it, love it, love it! Can't wait to get some accessories and some new songs. I just won a $10 iTunes gift card from Blingo a couple of weeks ago. My first two purchases = Hips Don't Lie by Shakira and Ain't No Other Man by Christina Aguilera.

He really is too much. I don't deserve him.

I had a very strange "Sex and the City" dream last night. I dreamed that Samantha married a gay guy so his parents wouldn't know that he was gay. They had a great apartment with a loft that had a big glass window divider thing. It looked like the box seats at a concert. She somehow got pregnant and at their baby shower, he spent the whole time up in the loft with his boyfriend. His parents noticed and the jig was up.

I guess the dream itself isn't that weird. In fact, I could see that happening if it was Charlotte instead of Samantha. I'm just surprised that I had a "Sex and the City" dream at all. I probably haven't even seen more than ten episodes total and I wouldn't exactly call myself a fan. I have no idea where any of that came from. Oh well, at least it was a pretty entertaining episode :)

yikes

It just hit me earlier today that I will be 38 in exactly one week. Wow. Inching closer to 40 every day...

um, congratulations

So Brian and I have been home sick for the last two days. Sooooo sick, my body aches from all the vomiting, sorry if that's too much information. There's more to share, but I'll keep that to myself. We both feel a lot better, but I could use a couple more days off. At least this is a short week for me. I'm taking Friday off because my aunt and uncle will be here for a long weekend. Can't wait to see them!

I pretty much slept all day Sunday, which should have been the first clue that I was getting sick. I thought I was just worn out from my hellish week. Also we had been out late Saturday night, celebrating my youngest brother's marriage. Apparently he got married on the 3rd and they had a party on Saturday night. He called to tell me about it Saturday afternoon, about 3 hours before it started. But that really is just how he is so I wasn't offended. We had a nice time, met a lot of their friends. I've always liked his new wife, we're so happy for both of them.

Tired, and sore. I just wish I could sleep for the next 48 hours. Hannah is getting her senior pictures taken Friday afternoon. I'm so excited about that!!! Too bad she's not. I keep telling myself she'll be glad to have the pictures when she's older. I really do believe that. And I bet she'll enjoy herself once we get there :)

It's not okay to scream at work, right?

This week has been completely exhausting, between finding out about my co-worker and dealing with my parents, I feel like I'm about to drop. It doesn't help that we keep getting emails about the trust fund for the kids and the funeral and requests for help with the meal afterwards. Each new email about Angie brings tears to my eyes. It's just too much. It's just too tragic.

The people in my row are helping with the gathering after the funeral tomorrow, which is really very nice of them. The problem is...I'm so tired of hearing them talk about it like it's a goddamn picnic. Maybe that's just their way of grieving but it's making me want to scream.

I won't be going to the funeral, and not just because the service is being held in a church. I just don't think I can handle that right now, can't imagine seeing her husband and her parents and witnessing their grief. Plus my parents are coming over for dinner so we can help them with their paperwork after Brian makes us a delicious dinner. My plans for Saturday night? Beer, and lots of it.

bad day

Yesterday sucked. I came in to work to the news that one of our co-workers had passed away unexpectedly on Saturday. She was about 34-years old, married with two very small children. I don't know a lot of the details about what happened, but I was told that it was a brain aneurysm.

She was such a great person, always helpful and so funny. She had an amazing sense of humor, she made me laugh every single time I talked to her. I will really miss her a lot.

The whole day just dragged and was emotionally draining. Everyone here is in shock and so many people are devastated. I should have gone home and gone to bed, I really did feel like it. But instead, we went to my parent's house to drop off some paperwork. Bad idea.

My stepdad spent the whole time ranting about the Social Security department and all the paperwork they've been getting. He kept talking about how bad my mom's condition is and how frustrated he is trying to get some help for them. Then he started in on her, kept asking her questions that he knew she didn't know the answer to and kept looking back at me when she couldn't answer as if to say, "See what I'm talking about?"

I just wanted to say, "We get it. We know. Leave her alone." He's always arguing with her when he knows he's right and she's wrong. Why? Just let it go and move on. It's not worth it and no amount of arguing is going to make her better. To make it even worse, Casey was with us and got to witness the whole thing. I hate it when he does shit like that in front of her.

It's upsetting, because it's so pointless and he isn't well either and should just calm the fuck down about it. But he doesn't get that, he always has to be right, he always has to be in control of things. He's not used to not having his own way about everything and it pisses him off having to depend on us for anything. I just don't know what to do.

My aunt, my mother's sister, is coming out for a long weekend in a couple of weeks. It will be so nice to see her. She has a way of taking charge and getting things done. Maybe she'll be able to make him see that he's just spinning his wheels every time he fights with her. At least if she sees him do it, she'll tell him off. And he does seem to listen to her, more than he listens to the rest of us anyway.

I need a vacation. And probably some valium.

Is this the cutest dog ever or what? We took the girls to the pet store to play with dogs Saturday night and this one was my absolute favorite. She slept in my arms while we walked around the store and was adorable and sweet. I could visit her every day and if she didn't cost $3,880 we would have taken her home.

We ended up having a pretty busy weekend in spite of having very few plans. I pretty much ran errands all day Saturday because my better half was slightly hung-over and really tired :) I tried to tell him to slow down but he didn't listen. It didn't help that people kept buying him drinks either. Saturday evening we had his dad, stepmom and grandpa over for dinner. He made yummy grilled chicken and a bunch of grilled vegetables, I made potato salad. The weather was perfect, sunny but with a nice cool breeze. We sat outside for about two hours just talking and laughing and watching the girls play with the neighbor's dog, Cinnamon. It was a great night.

Today both kids had to work and Casey spent the night at my sister's house so we had a nice quiet evening. Brian has just taken over the television so instead of watching American Dad, we're watching something on SciFi. I have no idea what.

update?

Exciting events coming up: our nephew's graduation party is tonight followed by an evening at the infamous Alrosa Villa. I'm so happy that Columbus is smoke-free. I love not smelling like an ashtray after a night out.

I think that's pretty much all that is going on this weekend. Yay! Lots of nothing to do and two whole days to do nothing besides some housecleaning and scrapbooking. Sounds like a great weekend to me. I really do need to work for a few hours tomorrow. My week has been f'ing crazy.

How boring that last paragraph makes me sound. Oh well, "boring" is pretty much accurate. The most exciting thing that happened this week is that I got a new CD clock radio thing as a reward for five years of service at my work. It's so cool! The LED display changes colors and has brightness control, which I am in love with. This morning we woke up to "Tropicalia" by Beck from Mutations. It's very exciting.

Oh! I haven't talked about my sunburn yet. Still ouchie, but getting better. Man, I'm lame. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz...

Memorial weekend recap

Friday afternoon, we saw the new X-men movie. Loved it!!! I am a super hero freak, big-time, and I especially love the X-men. So many surprises, including the one we missed after the credits.

Saturday, we spent most of the day at Easton Town Center with Casey. It was a gorgeous day and we had a lot of fun. I took the most beautiful picture of Casey in front of the big fountain:



She's growing up so quickly, it makes me sad sometimes. But I'm really proud of her, she is turning into a lovely young lady.

Saturday night Brian went to the recording studio with my brother-in-law and Casey and I watched movies with my sister. We saw The Family Stone and Cheaper By the Dozen 2. Good stuff, we had a nice time.

Sunday morning we watched Brian's niece's softball game. She is the youngest player on the team but she's actually very good. They won the game 16-2, I think. That afternoon we had a cookout with my sisters and their kids. It was almost 90 degrees out but we have a big walnut tree in our yard for shade. Still, I was pretty uncomfortable because I got a big fat sunburn on my arms at the ball game. I thought we had sunscreen in Brian's car but we didn't. So I sat in the sun for an hour and a half with no protection and my arms are fried.

Brian got sunburned too, but his legs are the worst. We're both in pain today and have been trying to take it easy, but still...ouch. Work is really going to suck tomorrow. I'll be so busy, hopefully my sunburn will feel better in the morning.

loving life

Things are so great right now. I wish everything could stay like this forever. Work is good, the kids are doing well, Brian and I are as in love as we ever have been. Family things aren't terrible, the weather is perfect and money is okay too. What more is there?

The two oldest kids have jobs! At the new Quizno's in our town and at Kroger. We're so proud of both of them.

School is almost out (six more days) and we have a long weekend coming up. The new X-men movie starts on Friday and we're planning to go as soon as the kids get home from school. Everyone is so excited to see it.

I've been feeling very crafty lately, doing a lot of scrapbooking and taking a lot of pictures to scrapbook. I decorated a lucite frame that I got from my work in celebration of my five years here. It had the company logo etched into the top left corner. Bleh. I covered that up with a big pink fabric flower, added a few other things and now it's beautiful.

I put a picture of all three kids in it. I would guess that the picture was taken ten years ago. It's so cute! I did take a picture of the frame, of course, and I'll try to post it later tonight so you can admire it's adorableness :)

Casey is going to Utah in about a month and maybe Hannah is going to Boston if she can get the time off from work. Stephen has no plans for the summer, just working and hanging out with his friends I guess. That's cool. I don't plan on doing much more than that myself.

this week so far

It's been an interesting week. On Monday, I started reporting to my new manager. This is extremely good news. I sit in a completely new area and he is very supportive and just great. I am really happy about the change, and my new neighbors are so nice :)

I got a form from the Social Security Administration regarding my mom's disability claim, which sucks. It's a bunch of questions about her daily activities and what she can and cannot do since becoming sick. I'm not allowed to tell her about it or ask her to answer any of the questions. I'm nervous that I'm going to say the wrong thing and mess this up. I truly believe that she is no longer capable of working and deserves to be on disability. Her condition is getting worse and worse. Just the other day, she got lost driving from her house to my house because she couldn't remember where we live. I've put off filling out the form for a few days, but they need it back by next week. Bleh.

Hannah and I had a meeting yesterday about her underage drinking violation. Lots of fun. She isn't going to have a court date, which is great news, and the charges against her are not going to be filed, which is also great. She was put into what the juvenile probation department calls the "Diversion Program" because this was her first offense and it was not a felony or violent crime. So, she has to write an essay for the program director and do eight hours of community service and get a job within 60 days and she's done. What an ugly paragraph that was. In fact, the whole morning was unpleasant. But I'm sure the whole situation will end well for Hannah, and that's what's really important.

okay, so I had a great Mother's Day. I got this from Hannah, and this from Casey. Stupid blogger wouldn't let me post the picture I took :(

Brian made me a yummy breakfast on Sunday, which was very sweet and delicious. We visiting all our mommies and it was uneventful and pleasant. We pretty much hung out at home all weekend, I love it when we get to do that.

mother

So Mother's Day is coming up. I really have mixed feelings about this "holiday." I love it because I am a mom, and I love the cards and the hugs and the presents (there, I said it) and the extra-special treatment. I hate it because I'm also a daughter and my feelings about my own mother are so complex and fucked up.

We've never had a traditional mother/daughter relationship. Most days she was the one who needed to be taken care of. And with her Alzheimer's getting worse every day, I know that all the issues I have with her will never be resolved. All the things I should have told her years ago will never be said. I never saw the point before and I definitely don't now. The best thing I can do for us both is to resign myself to the fact that it is as good as it's going to get.

They don't make a card that says, "It's okay, I managed to survive somehow anyway." And all the "wonderful mother" posts are making me depressed. Can I please just spend the weekend in bed?

We had such a great weekend! The weather here in Ohio was beautiful, I think we spent the whole time outside :)

Saturday my sister came over to help us with yard work. Weeding the flower beds and cleaning out the strawberry patch, trimming hedges and mowing the lawn. It was a lot of work but it was actually fun! Our nephew came over too and kept us all entertained while we worked outside.

That evening we went to her house for a seafood cookout. She grilled tilapia and shrimp, Brian made scallops wrapped in bacon. Man, was it delicious. We sat outside until it was dark, drinking some beers and wine. It was a great night, but it did get a little chilly.

Casey was gone the whole day. She and the rest of the middle school choir members took a trip to Kings Island for a choir competition. Three of their choirs (including hers) got first place, which was really exciting for them. She had a great time and was completely worn out when she got home.

Sunday we had a cookout for my parents anniversary, my stepdad's birthday, my sister's birthday and Mother's Day. It was another beautiful day once the sun came out and almost everyone from my side of the family was there. I took a ton of pictures (about 60) and Brian made a ton of food, which I took a picture of :) It was really great and the last few people left after 7pm.

The only downside was that I may have gotten a little too much sun. My lips feel sunburned and my arms and face are a little pink. Nothing terrible, just a small amount of discomfort, but totally worth it!

just some stuff

• That vanity plate I saw the other day (GOP4ME) is stupid. Made even more stupid by the fact that I read it as: Go pee for me. At least my way was funny.
• Vanilla yogurt looks like mayonnaise. That kinda grosses me out. But it is delicious if I close my eyes while I'm eating it and don't really think about it too much:)
• Everyone who drive the same roads as me sucks. I really could almost hate them. I'm just trying to get to work or home, people. Back the fuck off.
• Casey is going to an out-of-town Choir Competition this weekend. She'll be gone from 7am to 11pm on Saturday. I know she's going to have a great time but I'm really going to miss her.
• I have a Stewie Griffin postcard that says "I like you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless." I brought it in to work today and it is amusing me quite nicely. I want to put it up on my cubicle wall but I'm afraid people will think that I like them.
• Saturday the 6th is National Scrapbooking Day. I don't know what that means.

I am super bored. Is it Friday yet?

crap weekend

It's been forever since I haven't had a good weekend. I guess I was due for one. Not that it has been so terrible, but nothing really great has happened either.

Brian wasn't feeling well when he came home from work on Friday. I have no idea what was wrong with him. Bad stomach pains without nausea or any other symptoms? No clue. He spent the rest of the night and half of Saturday in bed. Nothing we did made him feel any better, which completely sucked. We were supposed to go out Saturday night but he still wasn't feeling well so we didn't make it. It was disappointing because he was supposed to play a few songs with the band. I do love seeing him onstage, probably as much as he loves being there.

The girls and I went to Borders Friday night for coffee and book shopping. I bought some Mother's Day presents and Hannah found the gift that she wants to get me. Coincidentally, she wants it too. Casey spent the rest of her birthday money on two books, which she has already finished reading.

Saturday was spent taking care of Brian and running a few errands. I was planning on coming to work for a few hours but didn't make it due to lack of sleep Friday night. Plus I didn't want to leave Brian with the girls while he wasn't feeling well. Not that they can't take care of themselves, but I didn't want him to have to worry about anything.

So I stayed home yesterday, which means I'm at work today instead. At least it's quiet! And Brian is finally feeling better, so that makes me happy too. I'm getting a lot done, in spite of spending time on Blogger :)

I know

I'm getting really bad about updating my blog. I'm not really sure why. There's a lot going on at home right now, some bad and some good. Mostly good, of course, so that might be the problem :) I blah more when I'm upset, in real life and here. But that's no excuse. Then again, who really cares whether I post or not? A handful of people at most.

No big catastrophes, no secrets left to spill really. I guess there are a couple, but nothing earth shattering or life changing. Just everyday life, which in my case, tends to be pretty boring. We work, we eat, we sleep. We spend time with the girls, with our friends, with each other. We laugh, we worry, we love. It's incredible and ordinary at the same time. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

So Brian got his car on Thursday. It's the Maxima that he found online:



This is a picture of the actual car, stolen from the dealer's website. It is so nice and has tons of cool extras. I have driven it a total of one time since we got it. I don't expect to get behind the wheel much more than that :)

We had a great time at the zoo on Saturday! I'll post about it later and add some pics. I hope Blogger is nice to this post. I hear it's being an ass.

my keys

I just recently realized how much the stuff hanging from my keyring says about me. Yep, that's about it.

new car

Apparently, we're looking for a new car. Brian really does need one. The Punisher is getting old and little things are wrong with it. Plus he deserves to have a nice car, he works so hard for us. He did some shopping online the other day and last night we actually visited a couple of dealers. We test-drove this car:



It was nice and in our price range, but a convertible isn't very practical. Casey didn't like driving with the top down. When we got back to the dealership, she said that her neck was sore from having to duck down to avoid the wind. We weren't really serious about buying it, but Brian said that the weather was perfect for a spin in a convertible so we took it for a little drive. It was fun! But I doubt that we would have enough nice days to justify buying it. Stupid Ohio weather.

I think he's looking for a car similar to mine (Nissan Maxima). That would be cool...his and hers Nissans :)

hula hoops

our weekend was lovely. Casey had a great birthday, part one. Dinner at Joe's Crab Shack was delicious and fun. She ate a ton of crab legs :) She loves the cell phone and our waitress made her spin a hula hoop in the middle of the dining area while they sang Happy Birthday. My brother-in-law was a party pooper and just held his. I have a great picture of the two of them laughing at Casey's attempt. I'll try to post it later. This weekend we're going to the zoo with family and some of her friends for part two. I hope the weather is nice! And then she's planning on having a sleep-over.

Sunday was a good day too. We're not at all religious so Easter just means candy for breakfast and ham for dinner. We did a little housework and a little yardwork, took the dog for a walk and relaxed all day. We watched Elizabethtown (we're loving Netflix!), which was really good.

Tomorrow I'm taking my parents to an appointment with the Social Security office nearby to see if my mother qualifies for disability benefits since her doctors think she is not able to work. That will be lots of fun. But they can't take themselves and I volunteered. I hope it doesn't take too long. At least I'll have the morning to myself after I take the girls to school. And maybe, hopefully, there will be a couple of cold beers in the fridge when I get home. Trust me, I'll need them :)

food poisoning?

How do you even know if you had food poisoning? I have no idea. I do know that Brian and I were both sick today and last night. We had almost the same dinner as the girls but with different cheese. Neither of them were sick, so at least there's that. We stayed in bed until 11:00, then spent the rest of the day on the couch.

The girls came home and gave us some sympathy. I always love that. We're feeling much better, but not all the way. After dinner, the girls and I went outside to take pictures of the beautiful tree in our backyard:





Well, Hannah and I took pictures. Casey played with the neighbor's dog, Cinnamon:



We brought in a branch to take some closeups. Hannah's:



turned out a lot better than mine:



But they're both nice. Hey, if you want to make me feel even better, click on the thumbnail under my profile and go visit Mulligan :)

so pretty

I have a new renter this week. And look how well her thumbnail matches the new colors of my blog! Coincidence, I swear.

Anyway, I really like her blog. She's a teacher (very admirable) and she's political, but doesn't beat you over the head with it. She has some great pictures in her photo gallery and a bunch of great links. Check her out by clicking on the thumbnail under my profile.

In other news, it's Casey's birthday this weekend. She will be 13. bleh. We're getting her a cell phone and she chose Joe's Crab Shack for her birthday dinner. It's also my brother-in-law's birthday on Sunday (he'll be 39!) so she invited their family to come out to dinner with us. It will be nice, I know we'll all have a great time. I'm not excited about my youngest turning 13, but what can you do?

Writing Collaboration: Episode Two

So, did I already mention that I joined the Crazy/Hip Blog Mamas webring? Even though I don't consider myself hip, at all. Apparently it's an and/or thing, because they let me in, despite my lame assedness.

Anyway, I love them. The other members are so cool and funny and have great sites. There's this thing on the website called the Writing Collaboration that I'm going to try. Because sometimes I really need the motivation to write something besides the bullshit I usually post. So the topic is:

If I had an entire weekend to myself I would...

My initial reaction to this topic is that I would most likely have a breakdown (See? Crazy, that's how I got in :) but I realized that probably isn't true anymore. There have been many times in my life when the thought of being left alone for 48 hours would have sent me over the edge. There were times when a weekend alone sounded like heaven. These days, it's neither torture nor a fantasy. And while it's not something I would ever seek out, I wouldn't curl up and die if it happened. I can imagine what it would be like though, and I'm sure it would be lovely.

The first thing I would do is check into a hotel, one with a jacuzzi in the room. We stayed in a room like that on our wedding night and it was so nice. Anything that reminds me of my wedding or my wonderful husband is always a plus. I know I would have to bring pictures of the kids and hubby to put in the room, because I'm just that lame. I can't stand to be away from my family for more than a day. It's pathetic, I know. Anyway, these are the things I would do with my weekend:

1. Sleep in as late as possible.
2. Spend a few hours with a cup of coffee and my writing journal.
3. Take a million pictures.
4. Soak in the jacuzzi.
5. Catch up on my reading.
6. Call home too much.
7. NOT shop.

Of course, I don't need a weekend alone to do any of those things. But for some reason, I never do them. Too many errands on the weekends, I guess. And it's so easy to put off doing things for myself if it means doing something for Brian or the kids. I call it the price of motherhood. And they're completely worth it.

Go Bucks!

I keep getting hits from people looking for pictures of AJ Hawk and Bobby Carpenter so I figured I'd post the ones I have. They're not great, but maybe someone will appreciate them. Or not.

update

• The boy had his court date yesterday. Fines and community service and a year of probation. Not too bad. None of that really affects us, since he is over 18. At most, I'll have to nag him to get the shit done, but maybe not. He is remarkably capable of handling his responsibilities if it means not having to listen to me bitch about something. Hey, whatever works.
• Hannah won't have a court date for a couple of weeks, since she is a minor. Apparently, that makes it takes longer. Right now, she is sick with a terrible cold. I feel bad for her. She spent almost the whole night last night sitting beside me on the couch. That's not like her.
• Good news (to me anyway): My sister had the same court date as the boy. He told me that she and her husband got two days in jail, fines and court costs and three years of probation. I'm enjoying all of that way too much. I was hoping for more jail time, but I'm satisfied with what they got. Yes, I'm still mad. As if you couldn't tell.

I had a terrible weekend, thanks for asking. Really, the worst one in forever. First of all, Casey was gone from Thursday morning until Sunday night, which sucked because I really missed her. Whenever one of the kids is gone, I'm always on edge. And probably on the verge of a breakdown. So yeah, I was already jittery and scattered and off balance.

Brian and I had a fight on Friday, over nothing really. I blame myself, I overreacted and took another step closer to that breakdown. It was terrible. I hate it when we fight. Luckily we don't do it very often, this may have been our third or fourth fight ever.

We worked it out, of course, and everything was fine again. We ordered a pizza and watched some tv before going to bed. The fight alone would have been enough to ruin my weekend, but then, something even worse happened.

I wish I knew how to put a long post behind a link that you would have to click to read it. Because I would definitely put one here. Since I don't know how to do that with blogger, I'm filling the space with this nonsense to heighten the tension :) it's working, right?

Anyway, at about 2:30am, the phone rang. I checked the Caller ID screen and it was my youngest sister. I answered but there was no one on the other line. I assumed that she was drunk-dialing people and that she called me by mistake. Because everyone knows not to call me after my bedtime unless they want to be killed. I hung up the phone and less than a minute later, it rang again. It was her again and the first thing she said was, "I have some bad news." Scary. Seriously, I thought someone had died or something. It was a completely irrational thought though, because no one would charge her with calling me to tell me that someone had died. Hell, it was 2:30, I wasn't thinking rationally.

The next thing she said was, "I'm calling to tell you that Stephen and Hannah were just arrested for underage drinking." My response was, "I assume you're joking." but unfortunately, she wasn't. Even more unfortunately, they had been drinking at her house. Right after she told me that, call waiting kicked in and it was Hannah, calling from the police station. She was crying and was so upset that the police officer had to take the phone from her and tell me what was going on. He said that they were going to give her a breathalyzer test and that afterwards, we could pick her up and take her home.

So yeah, we got dressed and drove about three blocks to the police station. Since we live so close, we had to wait around for them to finish whatever it was that needed finishing. One of the arresting officers came out to talk to us, said that they picked up 9 underage drinkers, including my two. He told us that my brother-in-law said that they didn't buy the alcohol for the kids, but providing them a place to drink is also against the law. That really pissed me off, that he was trying to get out of trouble when both of them had clearly been doing something wrong.

I asked the police officer what would happen to the "hosts" and he said that they weren't able to bring them in because the three squad cars there were full and they didn't have room. He also said that it was up to the prosecutor to decide whether to press charges against each of them for each underage drinker or whether there would just be one charge for the whole thing. Personally, I'm still so mad, I hope they get them for each one. If I was able to vote...well, lucky for both of them, I'm not.

We took the kids home and tried to go back to sleep but by then, neither of us really felt tired. We talked for a long time and then watched some tv before we were able to fall asleep again. Even then though, I didn't sleep well. Too much bad stuff was running through my head and I eventually gave up. Our plans for Saturday were pretty much ruined, even though we still kept them, because I was too angry and tired to enjoy myself.

I know that kids drink, lots of kids. Hell, we all did it. Except for you, Ian. I'm not really angry at them for that. I am angry at Hannah for lying to us about where she was (she was supposed to be spending the night with a friend), but we've all lied about that too. I am glad that they got caught, because being arrested and handcuffed and taken to the police station probably makes a bigger impression than listening to me bitch about it. At least I know it did for Han. She was really upset, even the next morning.

I do wish that she didn't have to go to court. I expect that they will put her on probation for a while, which sucks, even if she does deserve it. And of course, she's grounded, which means that she has to miss the concert she was planning to attend this Saturday. As for Stephen, there's not a lot I can do with him. He is an adult, technically. I can lecture him about drinking, which I did, but I have no control over what he does outside the house. It will be a long time before I trust him, even longer before Hannah is allowed to go anywhere with him. I am a lot more calm and rational about it today. It happened, and it sucked. But I'm trying not to overreact. So far, I'm succeeding.

The exception is my sister. And her husband. Thankfully, their boys were spending the night with grandpa. Because if those babies had been there while they were having a stupid party, I would have kicked her ass. We haven't spoken since she called me to tell me about the kids. I don't plan on speaking to her for a long time.

I'm so furious with her, not just for what happened Friday night but for the other times when she knew Hannah was drinking and didn't tell me. I'm angry at her for being so pathetic and immature that she and the loser she married think it's acceptable and cool to party with Stephen and his friends, who are almost all under 21. I'm pissed off that two months ago she looked me right in the eye and lied when she said she would keep an eye on Hannah and let me know if she was doing something I wouldn't want her to do.

I'm disappointed that she would rather "be cool" than be honest and mature and an adult. I'm angry that she not only turned a blind eye but also helped and encouraged the children to drink and hide it from their parents. I feel so hurt and betrayed and ashamed of her. Our friendship is severely damaged, possibly past the point of repair. It might be too soon to tell, but I can't ever imagine not feeling the way I do right now to some degree.

The rest of the weekend was uneventful. Casey got home Sunday night at about 6:30. Brian and I were grateful that she wasn't there to see or hear about all the other bullshit that was going on. She had a good time with her friend and was completely worn out. I can't wait to see the pictures. Man, this was a long post.

Anyone who is still here should visit my renter (click the thumbnail below my profile). I'm sure she has a much more entertaining post for you to read, once your eyeballs stop burning from staring at my lavender blog for the last hour :)

Class of '86

Apparently, my 20-year high school reunion is this summer. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it's been that long at all. Other times, it feels like it's been a lifetime. I'm definitely not going. Not just because it's 1,200+ miles away. Not just because it would put me in extremely close proximity to the rest of my family. Not just because there are only about 10 people from school I would even be the slightest bit interested in seeing again and half of them were in a different graduating class.

It's mostly because my high school years were such an unhappy time for me. School itself was no problem, and I had some great friends, but everything else in my life was a nightmare. I was miserable, suicidal most days and faking it the rest. I spent so much time living in my own head, I honestly don't know how I even managed to get out of bed sometimes.

School was an escape for me, if you can believe that. It was the only place I could go where I felt protected, where I didn't have to try to stay invisible. I still hid away a lot, but not from everyone. And it was so easy to pretend to be someone else, someone who liked herself and had opinions worth hearing and was smart and funny and nice. I could pretend to be the person I wished I was, and no one from home was around to point and laugh at my attempt.

I don't really recognize myself when I think about the person I was in high school. And that's a good thing. I can't even imagine what kids I knew then must have thought of me. I'm fine with not finding out though. The people that mattered already know everything now, whether they wanted to or not. The rest of them can think of me as they did in high school, if they think about me at all. I doubt if they'll even notice I'm not there.

another renter

I decided not to use Blog Explosion anymore sometime during Utenzi's stay here. Because it's getting annoying with all the mandatory 30-second stays on the Blog Rocket and Battle of the Blogs. I mean, seriously, enough already. But if I just use it for traffic exchange (which is what I originally intended to use it for anyway) then it's not so bad. Also, I kinda' like the Rent My Blog thing. So, I'm back. And I have a new renter: Bloggin' Bizatch.

Her most recent post is about Boone's Farm (completely cheap, hillbilly wine for those of you not familiar). How could I resist that kind of tenant? She has also been blogging about some of the other things that have been on my mind fairly recently (Botox, my upcoming high school reunion, Brokeback Mountain and Starbucks to name a few), so it was a pretty easy choice. You should check her out by clicking on the thumbnail below my profile. All the cool kids are doing it!

I know, I know

My blog is in desperate need of an update. Once-a-week posts are kinda' pathetic, don't you think? I don't know why I'm not writing, I always have that problem when things are going well. I'm a prolific writer when I'm miserable. Apparently when I'm happy I've got nothing to say. I know I'm not the only one though :)

The girls are on Spring Break this week, which is nice for them. The weather is supposed to be great too. I wish adults could have Spring Break. I would love a week off from work as a family. That would kick so much ass. Casey is going to the Biltmore Estate over the weekend with a friend of hers. She is pretty excited about that. Hannah isn't doing anything special, just hanging out with some friends and relaxing, I guess. Hopefully they both enjoy the break, that really is the important thing.

My brother moved out last weekend, and the boy moved back in. His roommates were leaving the house and he couldn't stay by himself so he's sleeping on the couch again, which sucks. I wish we had a room for him, but we just don't. And no one wants the girls to share a room. He should get the cast off his hand tomorrow so he can finally get back to work. Surprisingly he's looking forward to that.

We had dinner with my sister and her family and my parents last night. Dinner was delicious, the conversation could have been better. Since my sister and I are "the responsible ones" in the family, we had the pleasure of discussing funeral arrangements, what to do with their ashes, what to do if he dies before her, etc. I also learned that my mother is no longer able to work, per instructions from her neurologist, and that she was supposed to be on the Alzheimer's medication (Aricept) a year ago but no one was with her at the doctor's appointment and she forgot all about it. Nice one. Oh yeah, to make things even better, Casey was sitting at the table the whole time.

I guess it's time to think about what we're going to do when the two of them can't take care of each other anymore. And I think that time is fast approaching. He isn't physically well and she isn't mentally well. He gets more frail every day and even his memory is failing slightly. Convincing them that they might need to move to a nursing home or assisted living facility in the near future should be lots of fun. Can't wait for that discussion.

busy weekend

Busy, but good. Friday night we went to watch my brother-in-law's band play. Brian got up and played two songs with them. He was amazing, I am always so proud of him and impressed by how talented he is. He had a great time onstage (I have pictures) but we had to leave early-ish because Saturday was the District Science Fair.

We got home shortly after midnight and had to get up at 6:30 the next morning. Bleh. That really sucked and all three of us were tired all day. Casey didn't win an award, so she's not going to the State Science Fair but she didn't seem too disappointed about it. She really was tired from having to sit in the gym from 8:15 to 2:15 that day. I really don't blame her. She said that she wasn't going to participate next year but I'm sure that was just the lack of sleep talking.

Brian and I had to find something to do while she was busy so we did a lot of shopping (his favorite thing to do :). We did find some good bargains and bought a couple of things for our godsons and the girls so that was cool. We saw AJ Hawk and Bobby Carpenter (Ohio State Buckeyes football players - I have pictures) at the mall and that made Brian a little happier about being there.

It was nice, having some time all to ourselves. We stopped for coffee and talked and had a nice long lunch and talked. I really missed Casey but I did enjoy being alone with Brian for a few hours. We hardly ever get to do that anymore, we almost always have plans or are at home with the girls. I'm going to try to remember to make time just for the two of us.

Saturday was also Stephen's 19th birthday. So after we got home and took naps, we went to his house to wish him a happy birthday and then my sister brought the babies over to hang out for a while, which is always fun. Casey and I went to bed pretty early that night. We were both still really tired.

Sunday was pretty relaxing, except for when I had to take Stephen to Convenient Care at noon because he had injured his hand Friday night. He and his friends decided to have a "St. Patty's Day brawl" and he punched his cousin in the shoulder (in fun). He may have fractured a bone in his hand. So it's in a splint and he has the next three days off from work. It's his right hand too so he can't write or play video games on the computer or play guitar. We have to go back to our doctor in a week or so to see how it's doing. If it's still sore, there's a good chance that something is broken or cracked. The ER doctor said that because of the swelling, they couldn't be 100% sure.

The rest of the day was a typical Sunday. We did some housework and some laundry, Brian did the grocery shopping because he is just that awesome. We watched the Buckeyes lose their game, ate a yummy dinner and watched FOX until it was time for bed. This week should be relatively calm, maybe even a little boring. But we've got some fun plans for this weekend. I'll have pictures :)

blank

I don't know why I'm posting today. I can't think of anything to write about. Oh well, that has never stopped me before!

Casey and her friends did such a good job at the DI tournament. Their skit was very cute and they were very outgoing and seemed to be having fun. They were there for pretty much the whole day and she was completely worn out afterwards. She also had a choir concert on Monday, which was nice. This weekend is the district Science Fair. After that, I think we get a small break from Casey's activities.

Brian has been really busy too. He's in the office almost full-time at work now. We're both excited about that! I really need to send in some pictures for his desk or something. I'm sure it's still pretty empty and plain. He's been working a lot of overtime, which is good for our bank account, but I hate it when he's gone so much.

He's also been practicing with my brother-in-law's band for the last few weeks so he's gone in the evenings sometimes too. Actually, he's playing a few songs with them at their St. Patrick's Day show so that will be very cool. I think he's even singing a little. I can't wait!!! I'm glad he's still playing music and hanging out with people he likes but I miss him when he's not around. I'll be okay though. It's probably good for me or something :)

Not a lot is going on with Hannah, or me. I'm sure we sound boring and lazy, maybe we are. But personally, I enjoy not having a lot to do sometimes. I like having quiet evenings at home, reading or scrapbooking or watching television or playing cards with the kids. I wish we could have more of those nights honestly. Then again, if we did, I'd probably wish for more excitement. There's just no pleasing some people!

ps - It's Utenzi's last day here. Click the thumbnail under my profile to visit his blog. He's got a great post up today about a recent segment on 60 Minutes. Very interesting...

F*ck Blender

The 50 Most Awesomely Dead Rock Stars

Not to spoil it for you but Selena ranks higher that George Harrison? Notorious B.I.G. ranks higher than Elvis and John Lennon? What a bunch of crap.

JOY!

The weekend is finally here. I'm so glad! We don't have a lot of plans either, which I'm glad about too. Casey has her Regional Competition for DI on Saturday. That should be fun. Her team has been working really hard for the last few months and we're excited to see the results! She will pretty much spend the whole day there. We're just going to watch their skit and maybe take her to lunch. I hope she has a good time. I'm sure she will.

I love it that she's so fearless and isn't afraid to be herself. She will try anything that interests her, even if she doesn't think she'll be successful, and I really admire that about her. She's a great kid with a healthy dose of self-esteem and an outgoing personality. I am so proud of her. And so lucky that she is my daughter.

news - bullet-style

• I have a new renter. Utenzi has a great blog, it's very diverse and interesting and he seems like a really nice guy (I noticed that before he bid on my blog). You should check him out, I honestly think he offers something for everyone :) Click on the thumbnail below my profile to get to his blog.
• My brother is living with us for the next ten days...bleh. He is on some kind of house arrest for driving without a license or whatever. Rolling his truck in the middle of the night, probably after spending a few hours at the bar probably has something to do with it. And I'm sure there's more to the story that he's not telling, but he's like that. So he's sleeping on our couch until March 17th, leaving only to go to work. Did I already say, "bleh."?
• Casey participated in her school's Science Fair last week. It was completely voluntary, she's such a little weirdo :) She didn't feel like she spent enough time on her project though, and she wasn't that happy with her presentation board. But she still got a "Superior" rating, which means that she can take her project to the district Science Fair! We're really proud of her, even if she is a nerd.
• Hannah made the honor roll, yay! And the boy is trying to get his diploma this year. I hope he does it. So kid-wise, everything is great. That rarely happens. It feels so strange. In the good way.

irrelevant

Yesterday was lovely. I slept in late, had a yummy breakfast and watched a little television with the dog. I spent some time on the internet, bought something from Ebay, did some house-cleaning and laundry and just relaxed. It really was nice. I didn't come to any major decisions about my work situation, which probably means I'll stay where I am for now. We'll see, I guess.

I finished the book I was reading, A Million Little Pieces by James Frey. Maybe you've heard of it :) My sister lent it to me shortly after the whole controversy started about parts of it being exaggerated. But true or not true, it was a great story. I liked it a lot. I don't care about which parts were lies, I don't care that Mr. Frey may not have actually spent three months in jail or may not have gotten a root canal without anesthesia. I'm annoyed by the people who are acting as if Mr. Frey lied to them personally. It's just a book to me. Well-written, moving and brutal. Hell, I may even read the sequel, My Friend Leonard.

The rest of the day ended well. The girls and I made a cake when they got home from school, Brian made pizza for dinner and we played cards after the kitchen was cleaned up until it was time for Casey to go to bed. It really was a great day. And exactly what I needed.

down time

I think I'm taking the day off tomorrow. At least that's my plan for now. Work has been pissing me off more than usual lately. I don't work well with people who don't think they should be held to the same rules as everyone else. I don't like being held to a higher standard than my peers. It annoys me to be the only one in my department who holds myself accountable for the work that I do. I definitely need a new job, probably at a new company.

The problem is that I make a good amount of money where I am and it will be hard to find something new without taking a big paycut. I think I'm going to try though. Because things really need to change soon. It's possible that things will get better in the fairly near future, but I doubt that my work situation will change all that much unless I do something drastic to change it. And I'm not sure that I care enough to do that.

The other problem is that if I quit, we may not be able to go to Vegas in the fall, which will totally suck. Because we're really looking forward to it. I don't know...it's a tough decision. Either way, things will suck. At least home stuff is going well. We had a great weekend with the girls, lots of fun. I went to my first Secret Treasures party, which lasted about a million years. And I managed to spend the whole day today in my pajamas! It doesn't get much better than that :)

I should have posted this yesterday.

The thing about self-injury is that the pain and blood and scars actually provide a small measure of relief from all the negative thoughts and feelings that drive a person to self-injure. It's a little like shutting your hand in the car door to forget about your headache for few minutes. A "normal" person would just take some aspirin. Someone like me might feel like she wasn't worthy of an aspirin, she might think that the headache was the least of what she deserved. Other people don't get that. Lucky them. It's not a pleasant thought process.

And lucky me, I don't think like that very much anymore. Not that I don't still have negative thoughts about myself, but now I also have a few positive ones to reflect on instead. I have the love and support of someone who has made me realize that the past isn't important anymore. He's given me the ability and desire to live in the present and look forward to the future. It's such a wonderful gift, possibly the most valuable thing he's given me so far. I'll never be able to pay him back for that, no matter how hard or how long I try. That won't stop me from trying though :)

ASHIC

I have a new renter whom you should all go visit (by clicking on the thumbnail under my profile). Wild Abandon is the blog of a 26-year old girl from Mississippi who has been diagnosed as bipolar. Her most recent post is a poem about self-injury, in honor of National Self-Injury Awareness Day, which is March 1. How could I not pick her blog? It's honest and interesting and sometimes funny. She loves Starbucks and kittens and reading, so yeah...check her out.

five senses

I feel: my mouse and keyboard.

I hear: a cricket and a typewriter. Is the cricket typing?

I see: this post and pictures of my family and friends.

I smell: Mexican food. It's making me hungry.

I taste: Tradewinds Green Tea with honey. Yummy :)

"Some people" think they're blogging too much. I'm not blogging enough. When I post every day, that seems cool. When I post more than once a day, it's usually all bullshit. When I go days without posting, it seems like I don't have anything to say at all. It's so hard to find that balance.

Work has calmed down, thankfully. We're not required to work this weekend, although we can if we want/need to. I'm going to pass on the overtime. I usually do. Because work can't pay me enough to spend that much time away from Brian and the girls. Last weekend sucked. I feel like I missed the whole thing. Screw that! It's not worth it. Nothing is, in my opinion.

It's Cate's last few hours here so hurry up and click the thumbnail! I feel bad for not posting more frequently this week and begging you all to visit her. I'm a sucky landlord :(

So fucking busy this week. Mandatory overtime this weekend and next weekend, so far. That's what I get for taking a four-day weekend last week. Actually, I won't be here doing my own work, another department is behind and we all have to help them. I hate that...making up for other people not doing what they're supposed to do. Not very "team player" of me, I know. But today, I really don't care.

Oh yeah, please go visit Cate (click on the thumbnail below my profile). I'll give you a dollar!

my first renter

So I'm giving this "Rent My Blog" thing a try. It's a Blog Explosion feature. Last week I rented space from Moonshine, which was fun. I got some good traffic, even if most of it was from Izzy herself :)

This week I'm renting out space. And my very first renter is also one of my very favorite bloggers, Cate from Snozzberries! Her blog is equal parts snarkiness and silliness and there are tons of overshares, pop culture references and pictures. What more could a reader want? For 10 credits, she probably doesn't expect too much. But please do me a favor and click on the thumbnail just below my profile. I guarantee she'll make you laugh!

ps - I'm trying to properly capitalize my sentences, etc. in honor of Cate's visit. She is quite the grammar, spelling and punctuation nazi. In the good way :)

long time, no blog

I feel like I haven't been here in forever, even though I did post on Thursday. I have no excuse either, this is day four of a four-day weekend for me. it was a really lovely weekend, which may be why I wasn't online much. the girls had Friday and today off from school too, so that was nice. Brian took Friday off so he could join in the long weekend hijinks.

we visited my parents Friday afternoon, and ended up watching old home videos for about three hours. it was fun and funny and we had a good time there. my mother went back to the doctor this week and it looks like the diagnosis so far is Alzheimer's. this is bad news obviously, but at least we know what the problem is, which I consider a step in the right direction. and even if there's nothing we can do about it, at least we know what we're up against.

yeah, okay, that story kinda' took the wind out of my sails. plus I'm getting tired. back to the Olympics...

duh.

every weekday morning, I get up at 6am, take a shower and watch the news on the couch with Brian until it's time for him to leave for work. then I wake up Hannah and get ready for work. Casey gets up at 6am too, but she just eats breakfast, goes to her room, shuts her door and takes about 20 minutes to get dressed. I like our mornings, and I really enjoy having a few quiet moments before the day starts.

this morning wasn't so quiet though. a commercial came on for a local ski resort, Mad River Mountain and at the end of the commercial, they listed the following web address:

www.skimadriver.com

I told Brian I didn't get it. what does "skim a driver" even mean? he gave me a funny look, and a second later I figured it out...Ski Mad River. duh. at first he thought I was kidding. when I told him I was serious, he spent the rest of the morning laughing about it. so much for the quiet :)

silly girls

the girls decided to learn to knit this weekend. all spur of the moment and everything. I know the basics, thanks to some 4-H when I was a kid, but hadn't done any knitting since junior high. Saturday afternoon we bought an instruction book, some needles and yarn and went home to practice. for hours.



Hannah caught on pretty quickly but Casey struggled a little bit and gave up. I think she'll give it another chance though, once she isn't feeling so frustrated. Hannah loves it, she's learned a ton of stitches and has already requested circular needles, which I got her for Valentine's Day. we've been watching Knitty Gritty on the DIY channel every time we can catch it. she's really into it, which is surprising. anyone who knows Hannah would probably not expect her to knit. but I think that's part of the reason she decided to do it. don't they look so cute?

two months old today

if this picture doesn't make you smile...














there's something wrong with you :)

our godson/nephew is two months old today. he's the smiliest kid I ever saw. Casey called him a smiling fool on Sunday. it's funny cuz it's true!

moving on

thanks everyone, for your sympathy and support. I really appreciate all the kind words. things at work are slowly getting back to normal, which is quite a relief after last week. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday are all tied for the worst work days I've ever had. each one was difficult and exhausting in its own unique way. I spent the weekend not doing a whole lot, other than spending time with hubby and the girls. I slept a lot, and reflected a lot. and even though I still feel the loss of my friend, I've made peace with the fact that she is gone.

I still have a lot of guilt though, everyone here that was close to her does. we all regret that we didn't do more to reach out to her when we knew she was having personal problems. we regret not recognizing that she was depressed to the point where she thought suicide was the only option.

we met with a grief counselor on Friday, who said that people who commit suicide don't usually do it as a spur of the moment decision. that they think it out, plan it out and then carry it out later, when the opportunity arises. I'm not sure I believe that. and I wonder if maybe the thought that it was inevitable is just a ploy to make the rest of us feel better. so we can sleep better at night thinking, "even if I had called her on Tuesday, it wouldn't have made a difference." I don't know...

her family was not from Ohio so there is no funeral for us to attend. I think some of her friends here might be holding a small memorial service some time this week. it will be nice to be able to say goodbye. and I think she would have liked that.

devastation

for all that I pretend that I don't really like people, it's really not true. fear of rejection and ridicule is really what keeps me from having more friends than I do. plus I don't like to let people get too close, because those closest to you can do the most damage if they choose. it's my loss really, I probably miss out on a lot by being so closed up.

yesterday, a wonderfully smart, funny, sweet, kind, thoughtful, peace-loving girl from my work killed herself. we all found out about three hours ago. I knew she was having some problems outside of work. but no one here had any idea how bad it was. obviously, those of us that were close to her are shocked and devastated.

she was one of the few work-people I knew that I considered a friend. I'm glad she knew that. she and I went through a two-month training class together when she first started working here. we answered phones together for about six-months after that. since our office moved last month, she sat on the other side of my cubicle. I could hear her on the phones every day.

it's so tragic and senseless and almost unbelievable. I can't think straight, can barely get any work done. I look at the same piece of paper again and again. my eyes burn from all the tears I've cried so far today. I just keep shaking my head in disbelief, I'm stunned.

I don't think I've ever personally known anyone who committed suicide. it's a completely different kind of grief.

UPDATE

I took a fake sudafed about an hour ago and feel like I'm about to pass out. I never take medicine so even the weakest pills make me feel all weird and hazy.

I made a word cloud. because I think they're funny.

not dead, just dying

man, I feel so terrible. Hannah was sick last week (missed three days of school) and now I must have gotten whatever she had because I am so sick. unfortunately, the first of the month is waaaaay busy so I can't take time off to stay home in bed. that's right. I'm at work, spreading the germs. that's what happens when you don't have a backup, which I've been asking for since October 2003. oh well! other people were sick at work last week and the week before that so the germs were already here before I got sick. so I didn't start it, but I'm not helping either.

we had a lovely weekend, spent lots of time with the kids and some time alone with hubby. we had people over for the Super Bowl on Sunday. what a boring game. plus Seattle got screwed by the refs big time. but we had a good time anyway, hanging out with our favorite people, eating yummy food and yelling at the television :) and I did a ton of scrapbooking, which was awesome.

so yeah, working and this cold or whatever are kicking my ass. good news though: I have an interview with my boss's boss tomorrow for a supervisory position here. I'm sure a million people applied so odds are, I won't get it. not because I'm not qualified (which I totally am) but because most of the other people have been here forever. still, it will be good practice and there's always a chance that I'll get it. so wish my luck with that! and if you want, you can send me some soup and hot tea to make me feel better.

new name, new look

so I moved the blog and updated the template all in the same week. Blog Explosion doesn't like that and won't give me a new thumbnail for 7 days so I'll still get to look at the old template until then. that's cool, I still like that template :) I like this one too, even if it's a bit grey. the original color was a neat green-ish one but I was having trouble with it so I changed it to this one. maybe I'll fix it sometime. maybe not.

we had my parents over for dinner tonight. it was yummy, of course. hubby made ribs and my mom made a cake. I should make more of an effort to see them. it's just hard sometimes, not only because of my resentment towards anyone who was a part of my childhood but also because her memory is getting worse and worse and it frustrates me that she isn't taking care of herself. she told us three times in about an hour that their neighbors moved. good news, though, they're finally going back to the doctor to get more tests run. hopefully, she'll be able to get some sort of diagnosis and then some help.

so the night turned out much better than I thought. we'll have to do that again sometime soon. Brian loves cooking for other people. he's so wonderful.

is it Friday yet?

a link to my blogroll

my blogroll

okay, so I moved the blog. hopefully everyone will find their way here. I sent out about five emails tonight before I got too tired and decided to send the rest tomorrow. sorry to all for the ponderous address, but all the good short ones were taken :) I had to go into hiding because people from my real life were getting a little too close for comfort. or so I imagine.

anyway, here are the pictures of the boy's awesome wallpaper, as vaguely promised:





the first picture is in the stairway to the bedroom, the second one is the wallpaper in the upstairs bedroom. aren't they both awesome? I seriously love them.

and now I'm off to bed...

random info

I think the dog ate a bean burrito from Taco Bell yesterday. Casey left one the kitchen table and the dog had the worst gas ever all afternoon and evening. it really was terrible, I bet she felt awful too.

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hubby has his MRI today, for that head twitching thing that isn't going away. did I mention that his neurologist said that Botox is the preferred treatment for things like that? it's kinda' funny but probably not likely for a while because insurance companies don't like to pay for it.

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Maribeth has an incredibly moving post up today about her daughter. it's beautiful and tragic and made me cry. you should be reading her post instead of this crappy one.

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the boy got a job last week at Wal-Mart! his first day was yesterday. I'm not sure what he'll be doing but I hope he likes it. in other good news, he and his cousin and a friend of theirs moved into a house together this weekend. their friend's dad owns the house so they didn't have to pay a deposit or have the utilities hooked up. he is the baby of the family so his mom bought them all kinds of new stuff, like a vacuum and a microwave and pretty much everything they might need. I think she bought them groceries too.

it's a pretty sweet deal for the boy. that kind of thing doesn't happen very often, if ever. basically he got to move in for free because his cousin paid the rent for him. they're all very excited and the house is pretty nice. I took a couple of pictures that I'll try to post tonight. there is some kick ass wallpaper upstairs that you just have to see :)

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I guess that's about it. I'm moving my blogger address tonight, I think. so let me know if you want the new one. hell, I'll probably give it to you even if you don't ask for it so never mind.

noise aversion

why are there so many people in the office today? I had to come in this weekend and do some end-of-month work (and make up some hours I missed earlier in the week). I expected it to be pretty empty and quiet. it's neither of those things. especially in my area. and the people who are here are loud and talking on cell phones and pissing me off. I should have stayed home.

I hate noise. it doesn't even have to be especially loud. the noise I'm making right now, typing this post, is annoying. people talking louder than necessary, commercials on television, that crunching sound cereal makes when you eat it, the sound you hear when a car window isn't rolled up all the way...it drives me insane. not all noise, just when it's unnecessary. loud music is okay, as long as I like the music. laughter, I love the sound of laughter. I even laugh loudly myself sometimes. okay, lots of times :)

you know, I swear I had a point when I started this post. it seems to have gotten lost. I'm just irritated and I didn't dress warmly enough today so I'm freezing and extra irritable. it's Sunday, dammit. I should be at home, enjoying a qiuet morning, eating a nice breakfast with hubby and watching stupid stuff on tv instead of being at work, freezing my ass off. that what I get for not coming in yesterday. then again, the noise would have probably been worse. working on weekends sucks. hey! I found my point!!!

change is good

I think I might need to change my blogger address soon. if you want the new link, let me know. I probably won't get around to it for a few days, but it's probably going to happen. anonymity = good sometimes :)

blocked

I'm having trouble posting lately. I'm not sure why. I think it's mostly because there's not a whole lot going on in my life right now. things are pretty quiet and any trauma or stress I was going through earlier this month is over, thankfully. we're starting to save up money for a trip to Vegas in October for Brian's birthday so we aren't really doing a whole lot. working, hanging out with the kids, staying home, relaxing. it all sounds so boring, doesn't it? I guess that's the price I pay for normalcy. it's a fair trade :)

you're mean

it's funny to me when I tell hubby he's mean. because it usually involves him teasing me about something ridiculous I've just done or said, which happens a lot. truthfully, he's never mean. to me or anyone else. he's so nice that he doesn't even play SORRY with us that often because he feels bad when he has to move us back to start. it's so sweet, I love that about him!!!

it does remind me how lucky I am to be married to someone who isn't actually mean. because I've been in that situation twice before. apparently I'm a slow learner. but it was all worth it.

hmmmm...

I think I might need to send in a postcard to postsecret sometime soon. not just because it's cool, but because I bet it's so liberating.

good news/bad news/other news

good news: hubby got a promotion at work and a raise! it's so exciting. he works in the office now, or he will in the next few days or so. I'm really so happy for him, because working in the shop made him miserable. and he deserves this, because he is just so smart and he's been a good and loyal employee there forever. plus it's good experience. so yay!

bad news: my brother's stupid girlfriend wrote me a check last week to pay me back for the $100 I lent to her. it f'ing bounced! of course since then, they've broken up. again. and she isn't even attempting to pay me back. so I had to file a stupid police report and have to see someone in the Prosecutor's office on Friday if I want my money. not that there's a guarantee that I'll get it even after I go to all that trouble. but $100 is worth the effort. $110 if I add in the fee from my bank. NEW POLICY: lend money to no one.

other news: my work is moving to a new building tomorrow. which means we get to take half a day off! it will be neat to have a new desk/cubicle on Monday. I know...I'm a dork.

we're ordinary

when hubby and I first started seeing each other, it was magic. like fate. we were so perfectly suited for each other. everyone around us could tell instantly. we could be in a room full of people and get lost in one another. we finished each other's sentences or said the same thing at the same time. we always knew what the other one was thinking.

it was like a movie or a novel, seriously. I had never experienced anything like it. we moved in together after dating for five months and neither of us had ever been happier. when we were apart I would almost count the minutes until I saw him again. we would talk on the phone, send emails, and text message constantly. a year later, he asked me to marry him. and I said yes.

we set the date. it was the second anniversary of our first date. the wedding was wonderful. a short yet meaningful ceremony followed by a casual yet beautiful reception with our families and friends. everything was perfect. we were so much in love and so happy. nothing could touch us.

fast forwarding to the present (fifteen months later), things are still great. I've never been happier. he is even more amazing than before. but the magic isn't quite as magical as it was in the beginning. that spark, that thing that made us feel like we were the first and only people to feel the way we did, is almost gone. real life and real worries and bills and family and all that other bullshit have forced their way into our world and created the tiniest of spaces between us. and just like that, we're ordinary.

we annoy each other, we voluntarily spend time apart. we go days, even weeks, without emailing each other. our timing is off, I don't always know what he's thinking now. we've actually had a fight. we're a happily married couple just like all the other happily married couples we know. how shocking!

he didn't like it at all when I shared that discovery with him the other day. he tried to deny it but we both know the truth. honestly though, I think it's kinda' cool. because nothing in my life has been ordinary before. I do miss it, that little spark, but I guess it was inevitable.

he still makes me the happiest person in the whole world. he can make me smile without even trying. I still get excited when he walks through the door. I miss him whenever we're not together. I love him with all of my heart. we still have the best relationship of any couple I know, it's no contest. we just have to work at us a little harder than we did before. there's nothing wrong with that. or with being ordinary.

I wonder if everyone starts out like we did. I sure hope so.

200

oh wow, that last post was my 200th. I'm really full of it! only about 5 of them are any good :)

while I didn't notice my post count, one thing I have noticed is that I've developed this habit of ducking down at my desk whenever my boss' boss is in my area. hiding from her, because I am apparently her new favorite. this is a good thing and a bad thing. good because she could/would definitely help me move up in the company if I wanted to and she could get me some more money. it's good because it means that she knows I'm good at my job and that I am a person who can get things done quickly and correctly.

it's bad because she is very demanding and expects things to be done right away. bad because she is good at putting a person on the spot and doesn't always remember that she has given you five projects that are due at the same time. but she's mostly fair and I think she's easy to work with (even if most people don't) so it's more good than bad I guess. when I'm extra busy though - like I am this week - I try to stay out of her sight as much as possible. wouldn't you know, that's when I seem to run into her the most...

soooooo tired today...stayed up late, late, late talking to hubby in bed. it was nice, we talked about lots of stuff that we really needed to talk about. I always feel so much better about everything after we talk.

the boy might finally have a job. I'm so excited! unfortunately, it's just at Walmart but at least it's better than having him sitting at home on the computer all day. plus he'll be making some money, which he really needs. so yay!


I got a new t-shirt on Friday. two actually, but I couldn't find a picture of the second one. I love this one though! the other one is a pink tank with that Rolling Stones mouth on it that says "The Rolling Stones" in black. it's pretty cute. and it was on clearance, so yay to that too!

I probably shouldn't have spent the money on either of them but it's been forever since I've bought something for myself. this shirt will be the next one I get. I know...you don't have to say it. but I can't help it, I heart Harry!

got myself a decent little review over at the Bloggy Awards. it's funny because it's true. especially the part where the reviewer says that some of my posts have "a melancholic tone of impending doom..." that's frickin' hilarious!

seriously though, it was a nice review. and I do appreciate it. check it out, if you have the time. the reviewer actually takes the time to check out your site for more than a minute, which is pretty cool. I mean, if this person found his or her way to a positive post in the midst of this manic-depressive mess, it must have taken a while :)

brokeback mountain

my sister and I saw Brokeback Mountain yesterday afternoon. it was such an incredible movie. everything good I had heard about it was true, it was beautifully shot, well-acted and touching. the love story was completely believable and I'm still thinking about the characters more than 24 hours later.

of course we couldn't get either of our husbands to see it with us, which was probably for the best. I was distracted enough by the couple in their 70s that was sitting beside us. as soon as they sat down, I knew that they had no idea what the movie was actually about. and as soon as the first love scene started, the husband started squirming around in his seat, whispering things to his wife.

I felt bad for them. because they obviously didn't intend to put themselves in that situation. and because I couldn't help but giggle at their predicament behind my hand. poor old guy did a lot of squirming :) but they were mostly respectful and did stay for the entire movie, much to my surprise.

the story itself reminded me of a situation in my own life, trying to live a life that you didn't really believe in. trying to hold on to a few small moments of happiness that you managed to find with someone in the same situation as you. it's not enough though, two half-lives don't equal a whole one. but it does make for a great movie!

sober post

I'm so glad I didn't get online when I got home last night. we spent the evening at my youngest sister's house playing board games and having a few drinks. at least that was the plan. we only actually played one game and didn't even follow the rules, so technically, we all just sat around and drank and laughed and acted stupid. it was fun. for me. apparently Brian had a headache and was ready to leave at least an hour before we left.

I hate it when that happens. because I feel like I was being too self-centered to realize that he wasn't enjoying himself. and I feel like he was just sitting there being miserable without telling me and probably feeling resentful about me not noticing him being miserable. I didn't even know he had a headache until we went to bed and he, uh, you know, turned me down when I asked him if he wanted to have sex. so yeah, I got the "not tonight, dear. I have a headache." excuse. at least it was true!

still, it isn't fun to be rejected, no matter the reason. and my fragile little ego can't handle even the slightest hint of rejection. so I feel bad about me and about us and always assume that something is wrong that he's not telling me. I blow things out of proportion and get depressed and each night it gets worse and worse.

yeah, doesn't it sound like a treat to be married to me? who wouldn't want to have sex with a mess like that? and isn't this post the best one yet? now imagine if I had written it last night...scary.

so confused

I wish people didn't have to change. I wish things could've stayed the same. can I have a rewind button? I'd like to go back to a time when things weren't so messed up. but I bet I'd end up right here again. because I don't learn.

got some good traffic yesterday from someone in Iowa doing an MSN search for "far from good blog." I'm glad s/he wasn't disappointed!!!

ps - I heart Deni Bonet. she's hilarious and sweet and talented and all kinds of other good stuff :)

work kicked my ass hard-core today. and I was already feeling mixed up and tired and just completely out of it. great day for a crisis, huh? and an almost-mental breakdown. don't you wish you worked with me?

my lunch disgusts me almost as much as I disgust myself today.

yay!!!

my statcounter finally hit 10,000! I really am so excited, but I don't know why. I put that thing up in May and have been obsessed with it ever since. I love seeing the numbers go up, I love knowing that people are reading my stupid posts. and I am so thankful to everyone who has spent any of their time here when they could have been looking at porn. you guys are the best :)

Happy New Year!!!

last night was so much fun! too much fun judging by the way I feel today :) it started out rocky, because my brother was there, upset because his "girlfriend" was messing with his head and his heart. it killed me to see my carefree, happy brother crying over some stupid bitch who isn't worth crying over. he came to the bar with us but left after about an hour. I hated seeing him like that. and it was really hard to enjoy myself knowing that he was home alone, upset. but I knew that I was ruining everyone else's good time by sitting at our table crying so I tried to get over it. and after a few drinks, I did manage to forget for the night.

we went with a bunch of friends and family to see my brother-in-law's band play at a local bar. it's always so much fun going to their shows. and this was especially fun because it was within walking distance from my sister's house, where we all stayed last night. it was great not to have to worry about driving home. and we had been looking forward to this night for weeks.

the band sounded great, all our favorite people were there. I took literally 100 pictures. some of them were really good, some of them were really funny and some were terrible. I love my digital camera. there was champagne and food at midnight and everyone had such a good time. we got "home" at about 2:30 and Brian and I immediately went to sleep.

the next morning, Brian made breakfast for those who could stand to eat and then we all sat around in my sister's living room for three hours, looking at everyone's digital pictures and telling stories that some of us had forgotten. it was the perfect way to spend the morning after such a crazy night. we came home at about 1:00 and we've been relaxing and recovering all day. I am so glad we both have tomorrow off from work. otherwise, I'd be in bed already.

tomorrow afternoon/night we're going back to my sister's to watch the Fiesta Bowl (Go BUCKS!). I highly doubt that any of us will feel like having a beer. I know I won't! but it's still going to be fun watching the game with them. she and her husband are my favorite people in the whole world to hang out with, other than Brian and the kids. plus there's already a big pot of chili waiting for us. can't wait!